Do not play mind games where you try to show her you can live without her. That won't make a lick of difference. Focus on how the Love Bank works.

When???


These are all signs that she is having an affair. I would quit dragging your feet and get snooping.

OK, did snooping. Recorder in vehicle, tablet, phone, text messages, facebook, call logs, found nothing, even in all deleted texts going back to Bomb drop day. I still think she is emotionally attached to a customer at work right now.

Things are slowly getting better, the week I went away I texted her and and kids that I missed them, she initiated texting the next day, and she was very happy to see me when I returned.

She is up and down, weekends are good, she wants to spend time with me it feels like we are connecting well.

Weekdays Mon-Thurs good, by friday she starts to withdraw.


Her love bank seems to be opening up, more and better hugs and more talking about the relationship is starting to happen slowly.

Question, how do I proceed? Try to meet her emotional needs and do and be attractive? If I try too hard I fear I will push her away again, even without any love busters. Right now she seems to be happy, and much more receptive to spending time together. But she told me "its not real" (how well we are getting along and connecting a couple of days ago. How do I know if I am trying too hard?

Also, I think she may figure out I have been snooping because of icloud password. Any suggestions on how to handle this if she asks?


Thanks

Until that emotional affair ends, you are wasting your time with all your other efforts. You need to expose the affair. She may need to leave that job if she can not never deal with that customer.

Wife says the suspected OM is "not her type", which I know is a lie. OM's GF is apparently one who is calling shots in their relationship, which is on and off again. Suspected OM is apparently madly in love with his GF. He will be going away for 2 wks soon to get away and think about his relationship. I will be gauging my Wifes reaction. Problem is there is no evidence, suspected OM is a friend of a friend who is feeding him/ me info about Wife. Both my friend and suspected OM say neither of them knows or is having PA. Suspected OM thinks she is "moving on".

I have planted the seed of moving (far) away with kids and wife, kids are excited at prospect, wife is not saying much, not agreeing nor disagreeing. I don't think she will go for it right now if I push it.

I have no way to expose an EA, it may be one sided or "Limerance". Wife is pretty private as I found out by snooping.

My plan right now is to build the love bank until she is more receptive to working on relationship. Because I have no evidence, I will look like a jealous controlling husband if I confront her. I have mentioned to her that I suspect she is having her EN's met at work and could be in an EA, she neither confirmed or denied it.

Since she already told me she want's a D and has not changed her mind about that, its the only option that makes sense right now. That is the recommended route by several others on the internet specializing in reconciling. As long as its moving in the right direction, I am hopeful I can get her reconnected enough to try again.

After scrutinizing her tablet bookmarks, I did find some disturbing ones:

***EDIT***

I think they are recent, I only have her texts to Mid Nov right now (which are clean including the deleted ones). I need to get into her phone to update the icloud password & backup, but she has changed it. She did freely give me her tablet one last week when I made an excuse to use it.

She did get very squeamish late Nov about her phone, but entered her password in front of me yesterday (which I didn't catch).

Things are actually going much better, may sound weird, but she picked at my face for about 10min yesterday. We also did some shopping together, dinner and movie with kids etc.

I'm dying to see her deleted texts from the past month. What would be best way to get in?

The talblet bookmarks were "I am helplessly in love with a married man" (as in affair), and "100 top sexting examples"


This is what I think I need to do:

What to Do with an Unfaithful Wife
Letter #5

I would be careful on the var. if caught I believe this is a felony!

In most circumstances it is OK. It depends on the laws of the state in which you live. Few waywards would ever want to file charges when it will bring to light their own misdeeds. Fighting infidelity is war, and if you are going to be cowed by every little legal threat, it is a war you are likely to lose.

Do not disrupt this thread anymore! If you want to warn someone about spy resources, do it once and then leave the thread alone. Keep your posts helpful to this OP or please refrain from posting.

Since you now know that she is texting, and that is where the most incriminating evidence is, what device could she be doing that with?

She either has an affair phone, or she is using an app you haven't checked, like WhatsApp, BBM messenger etc. Or she's using an app on her tablet. I'd guess something like WhatsApp because you can also send pictures practically for free (sorry).

Can you get spyware on her tablet?

Also, it's great news that he is married. (Any idea who?) You can easily run him off with the help of his wife. Your wife will come to see that she was being used as a side dish and you will be the hero who saved her from that degradation.

We have lots of success stories like that. But it's imperative you don't play your hand without evidence.

Everything rests on you getting good proof and quickly too.

Thanks Indiegirl

I've used wondershare and teensafe. Found 2-3 suspicious texts that are most likely just to her (girl) friend (not all deleted info comes back). There are no hits on WhatsApp, etc. in Teensafe.

She also did some searches on what Genital herpes looks like. Which is also suspicious but I don't know if she actually has it. I have had type 1 for years, but she has not had more than the odd blister down there.

We had a good talk today about the relationship. I was hurt because I was convinced she had a PA after snooping the texts and bookmarks. She became defensive and upset when I told her I had found some things out which hurt. I suggested she might be seeing other men. She wanted to know what my evidence was.

I told here there were a few things that were suspicious, but I wanted her to tell me what is going on between us and if she is seeing other men. She told me when would she- she does not have time, which is true except for during work hours and maybe just after work. She also started saying that she did wan't a divorce and I didn't. I backed off the probing because I sensed a lot of anger and it was not going to go well if I persisted.

She proceeded to tell me the work gossip which she believes I have heard 3rd hand that might lead me to believe there was an affair. She was pretty convincing, and I really wan't to believe her.

I do have a suspected OM, but no evidence. I know and see him and his friends occasionally and think if he wasn't scared off before he would be now with all the questions and baggage. I'm picking up that my W is also angry with him (OM).

W has been really good and last 2-3 weeks things have improved dramatically. She told me she is no longer angry with me. Many more hugs, talking, doing things together, no fighting or arguing. No pullbacks in almost 2 weeks. I don't have any evidence so far, so plan is to keep looking but to concentrate on building the love bank.

My wife suggested I talk to her if I am suspicious instead of getting suspicious. So I may bring up the web sites and search history in the next few days when we are alone and ask her what they are about.

I have full access to both her devices right now of her free will.

That is a horrible idea. You have just forewarned her so she can be more careful in the future. It is very likely, from what you have told us, that she is having a workplace affair. Stop talking about it and stop asking her. Just keep quietly snooping in more creative ways.


It doesn't take a genius to carry on an affair at work.

You should not ask a spouse if they are cheating, because a) they are not going to tell you the truth if they are b) if they are not, they will just be offended.

Unfortunately, you have just made it harder to figure out if she is having an affair.

You can retrieve deleted texts with this program: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2826225#Post2826225

OK thanks, won't talk to her about it anymore.

I did manage to see all texts in past 2 days, nothing suspicious in last month. Got me baffled, but she keeps insisting there is no one else and she is not seeing anyone. Might just be a idea she is mulling over and has not acted on so far -?

But do you have spyware on both of them???

She can always hide/delete information all she wants. There are messaging apps and the such she could be contacted him. There are still too many red flags.

No spyware, all require a jaibreak which worries me (if it goes bad). I should do it while I can though, if things change I will be kicking myself (I have already been there in past months) for not having used the opportunity while I had access....