The key is to bring your Taker in on everything, not just your Giver. Select ways to meet her emotional needs that are not sacrifices for you, so they will be sustainable in the long term. When trying to win your wife back you will probably go on the side of sacrificing just a little for awhile, but over time you want to get really, really good at building a lifestyle that you enjoy that makes massive love bank deposits in your account.


Don't play games with her. If you're not enthusiastic about something she wants you to do, just decline. (And look for something else you can do for her that you are enthusiastic about.)

Her mother is in the hospital with cancer, there is a good chance she will die soon. She agreed for me to go with her, and we are taking the children. It is an 11 hour drive each way.

This situation is not about us, it is about her mother. She has spoken to me more the past few days, and came to me to talk and cry to instead of her lover.

From what I am understanding of the Love Bank. Is she using me to keep the "negative" emotions out of their relationship.

I believe that Plan A here is to be there for her, to help her any way I can during this time for her. I expressed warmly and with no return expectation, that I want to be there for her. But cannot help but wonder if this should have been a Plan B scenario.

Plan A or Plan B, I think this is a situation that calls for compassion. This is something that she will remember either way. Be there for her.

I don't understand your question. If what should have been a Plan B scenario? What is a "Plan B scenario"?

Thank you for this.

@SugarCane, what I meant was no contact. A very small (very small) part of me did not want to be there for her. From what I understand she did not go to the OM for this situation. To me that says there is a special place for me in her heart. That small part made me want to have her deal with this without me.

My heart told me to be there for her. This will not be an easy time for her if her mother indeed passes. I do not think that he can meet that emotional need the way I can for this situation. My decision is to make this "trip" about her mother and be there for her and the kids. If there are small moments where I can make a deposit in the love bank I will, but in that standby this situation is not about me or us way.

I have read in a few areas that sometimes the fog can lift or at least become clear during painful and life-altering events. This tells me that being there for her is the best I possibly can do at this moment.

I also got the books that Harley sent. I read the first few chapters of surviving an affair, and I understand a bit more. What I learned is that she is in love with him most likely. And in this situation, I must wait until it dies it's own death (the affair).

I am 3 months in, and Plan A has only really been in effect for about 2 weeks - since I had made so many mistakes before hand - and so many withdrawals.

Not if you want to keep your marriage.

Plan B is to protect you if the trauma gets to be too much for you.

It is not for teaching your wife a lesson, and it won't work for any such purpose.

If you want to keep your marriage and are having difficulty, I encourage you to see a doctor about getting antidepressants prescribed, as an option before Plan B, because when a man goes to Plan B it is likely to end the marriage.

No plan B - got it.

Now just to ask one more question. Does plan A enable her? is it cake eating in some form?

Don't do anything in Plan A that would enable her affair. Don't pay for affair expenses, for example, or agree to her going away from home overnight.

Have you seen your doctor about antidepressants?

I have not attempted any antidepressants. just the anger management, parenting classes, and church. I have an appointment with a doctor in about 2 weeks.

I am so nervous about this trip. I know how to behave and what I must do. But it's going to be hard spending that "time" with my family - while my wife is in love with another man.

A benefit, is that she will have better sight of who I am and have become. But that does not take away the nervousness.

How does one distinguish the difference between hope and what I want to believe.

If you have a proven plan to follow, and you are following it, then you have reason to hope.

If you do not have a plan, or your plan is not proven, or you are not following it, then I would encourage you not to hope.

Hope it is. I do have a plan. I am following th guide of Plan A. What I sense from her is that she is confused. I don't act on it, but I feel it. The lingering she does on the phone. The 2 times to call me about things she could have just texted. It was nice, but then as usual that was it.

"I don't act on it, but I feel it. The lingering she does on the phone. The 2 times to call me about things she could have just texted. It was nice, but then as usual that was it."

Did she ever tell you that she's confused or that she has mixed feelings?

No, it's just the impression I get with the sound of her voice and the fact that when we had our split 3.5 years ago - what she is doing now is very similar. She would call about nothing, tell me things that she didn't have to - small talk. She hasn't done that in 3 months.

3 hours to the trip. I am so nervous. Trying to find confidence to be okay. I know this trip is not about me or us, it is about her and her mother. I am there for her. I sincerely hope this makes some impact or difference.

I was there for her in every sense of the word. Yes I made mistakes, but I corrected them and moved on. She understood and on her own she opened up to me. I allowed her to talk and conversed with her as she was comfortable.

I did not indulge moments where I could have displayed pity, or about me. I allowed her to talk and express herself. We talked greatly about her mother and her mother forgave me for my past, and at first was not going to allow me to stay in her apartment while she was in the hospital. She changed her mind on that and my wife cried a little when her mother told her that she forgave me.

My wife opened up to me in a way I did not expect. I did not initiate any of the conversations, and she was clearly expressing to me that she does have a special place for me. I was all about her and the kids while I was there. I took care of our children and enjoyed every moment with them. I did not yell or get mad, but was firm when needed and talked to them nicely even when she wanted to yell at them. I simply said, "it's ok, I'll take care of this."

I did what I knew I needed to do for them and me, she told me herself at one point - without me asking that she has seen the changes over the past weeks. She told me she believed they were genuine and not an act. She said "You are SO good with them now".

on the way back she asked me out of the blue, what makes me so special to you. This was my reply: When we first met, it took me near a month to find the courage to talk to you. You were so ar out of my league. We talked and had moments, but I was frightened to ask you out. But the way you looked at me, and that sweet voice when you talked to me. The way you smiled when I said hello. That day I ound the courage, I knew you were the one. I was never afraid to ask someone on a date, or to bring them home with me. Something about you was special. While we were together, during those times I made you smile and laugh and when I was sweet to you; there was a glimmer in your eye that made you beautiful to me.

Then she said why am I beautiful. I said, your beauty goes beyond what I see of you. Yes you are beautiful on the outside that would never be a question. But on the inside, on those days I saw that glimmer especially you are a kind hearted wonderful mother. You put the kids above all else, I have always seen that. When I made you happy, you treated me like a king, and the smile on your face showed me a beauty that nothing could ever compare to. You could gain 300 pounds and let yourself go, and the person you are would still make you the most beautiful, and only woman in the world that I would see.

Then she asked how am I a good person if I am doing this to you. I was afraid to answer this one knowing what I understand and what I can and cannot say with her fog, but this was my response. You felt like we were through, you made a decision. I don't believe that you properly dealt with the feelings of loss with me. You distracted yourself with (him) and set me and the feelings you had for me aside. He courted you, and did a fine job of it. Your decision does not make you a bad person, it makes you human. Your decisions in the future will determine the person you wish to be in your life.


I am sure that most of what I said was over elaborated. But from what I understand and the way she responded and talked to me, I have to believe that she was searching for answers. I don't have the all and I know it, but I gave what I could. My mom told me that there is no way in hell, that the OM could tell her how beautiful she was in the way that I did.

She finally sees me, and I promise I am true, and this is no act (not said to her - was all action). At the end of the night, she still see's him as the object of her happiness, I did not argue with her. I simply said that is your choice, and I cannot argue your choice. All I can hope is that I am a reason to make a better choice. I said goodnight to her she hugged me and I left.

3 days, and I made more love bank deposits then I have in years.

Somebody mentioned on another thread, the change won't happen overnight. The fog usually lifts slowly. I think it's a good sign she's asking those questions, though.

It is and I know the fog will not clear suddenly. My demeanor and actions overtime she will come to enjoy my company, and see me in a light she only had glimpses of in the past. She will see how happy our children are to be around me. Then when I am not around or unavailable. Those are the moments she will think of me. This on top of the fading of their infatuation - is a hard things to witness and wait for.