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I'll keep it short. It's a story that plays out over and over again in this country. Wife had emotional needs needs not being met so she went outside the marriage and had an affair. So here I am.
The good news: She says she loves me and wants to rebuild. I brought up separating but she said we cannot work on the marriage while apart.
The bad news: Other than small talk around the house and raising our two kids in diapers, she wants to be "left alone." She feels no connection with me and feels nothing when we touch or hug. As you can imagine this makes the shock and pain of the affair even worse. She says she doesn't know where to begin to rebuild.
I fell into the trap of showering her with gifts, notes and flowers to make up for all the times I should have done that, and it just pushed her away further.
We're in counseling now and have established clear rules at least for the next few weeks. Dated for 2 years, now married 4 years and the one person I love more than anything in the world and the person I want to run to for comfort wants distance. Hard to give distance when it was one of the things that got us in trouble in the first place.
Advice? Thoughts?
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I'll keep it short. It's a story that plays out over and over again in this country. Wife had emotional needs needs not being met so she went outside the marriage and had an affair. So here I am.
The good news: She says she loves me and wants to rebuild. I brought up separating but she said we cannot work on the marriage while apart.
The bad news: Other than small talk around the house and raising our two kids in diapers, she wants to be "left alone." She feels no connection with me and feels nothing when we touch or hug. As you can imagine this makes the shock and pain of the affair even worse. She says she doesn't know where to begin to rebuild.
I fell into the trap of showering her with gifts, notes and flowers to make up for all the times I should have done that, and it just pushed her away further.
We're in counseling now and have established clear rules at least for the next few weeks. Dated for 2 years, now married 4 years and the one person I love more than anything in the world and the person I want to run to for comfort wants distance. Hard to give distance when it was one of the things that got us in trouble in the first place.
Advice? Thoughts? Sorry for your pain... How did your wife meet the OM? Is she still working or in any other way in contact with him? Here's what needs to happen to end the affair and start recovery: From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67
The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.
These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.
Checklist for How Affairs Should End
_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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Also, your wife had an affair because she has poor boundaries around the opposite sex, not simply because her emotional needs were not being met. Once we get married, we each need to close our love banks to opposite sex, because it's very easy to get into an affair.
Dr. Harley often states that although there are reasons for an affair, there is never an excuse.
Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010
Recovered thanks to Marriage Builders
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She had an affair because she didn't protect herself and her emotions, not because her needs weren't being met.
You not meeting her needs might have made it easier for her, but it's really all on her personal boundaries (lack of, rather).
Continue to be nice to her and doing nice things, it won't really push her away. You might back off the flowers and gifts as it can seem as if you are only doing it to apologize. Make consistent, thoughtful, caring actions and keep doing it.
Has she ended the affair and told him she will and wants no more contact? If she has, she's in withdrawal from the affair addiction and you should suspect her to be distant. It's normal. I know it hurts, I'm in the EXACT same boat right now. If she hasn't ended the affair, she's in the addiction fog, and will still feel that way.
Every betrayed husband (BH) on these forums right now has had their wayward wife (WW) tell them that she feels no connection to us anymore. Mine won't even let me touch or hug her right now. It does hurt, a lot. We need to lead with our reason not our hearts right now. Do what we know is right, not how it feels and there is a very good chance that it will lead us back to the feelings that we want.
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He was a neighbor. His wife, upon finding out, kicked him out of the house and he has not returned. Supposedly they are finally divorcing as he has done this to her multiple times with other women. She still lives in the house although we heard rumors she's moving too.
When my wife told me, she said it was over. Four day later I found an email exchange between them that was more than friendly. I demanded she write him an email ending all communication, which she did. As far as I know, no more exchanges have happened.
I get it - we weren't emotionally connected for a while, and she formed a connection with the OM. That can be hard to break. But I have stated very clearly that if more contact happens she needs to do what's morally and ethically right and stop violating the core of our marriage, so she can stop hurting me and let me do what's emotionally best for me.
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I should also add that I found out 2 1/2 weeks ago so I am early in the process. And she's not talking to anyone about it which scares me - wants to keep it "between us." Anyone other than our marriage counselor, that is.
I have found comfort in discussing with a couple close friends.
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I'll keep it short. It's a story that plays out over and over again in this country. Wife had emotional needs needs not being met so she went outside the marriage and had an affair. So here I am.
The good news: She says she loves me and wants to rebuild. I brought up separating but she said we cannot work on the marriage while apart.
The bad news: Other than small talk around the house and raising our two kids in diapers, she wants to be "left alone." She feels no connection with me and feels nothing when we touch or hug. As you can imagine this makes the shock and pain of the affair even worse. She says she doesn't know where to begin to rebuild.
I fell into the trap of showering her with gifts, notes and flowers to make up for all the times I should have done that, and it just pushed her away further.
We're in counseling now and have established clear rules at least for the next few weeks. Dated for 2 years, now married 4 years and the one person I love more than anything in the world and the person I want to run to for comfort wants distance. Hard to give distance when it was one of the things that got us in trouble in the first place.
Advice? Thoughts? Sorry for your pain... How did your wife meet the OM? Is she still working or in any other way in contact with him? Here's what needs to happen to end the affair and start recovery: From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67
The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.
These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.
Checklist for How Affairs Should End
_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends. Pay STRICT Attention to the EXPOSE Advice. That is the 1st and Strongest portion that needs to be done. LTL
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Do you have the book Surviving an Affair?
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I should also add that I found out 2 1/2 weeks ago so I am early in the process. And she's not talking to anyone about it which scares me - wants to keep it "between us." Anyone other than our marriage counselor, that is.
I have found comfort in discussing with a couple close friends. Sir, please read this thread about how to expose and then come back after you have read it: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2566583&page=1
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The OM's wife has told most of the neighborhood. My wife understandably does not want to go outside. How's that for exposure?
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The OM's wife has told most of the neighborhood. My wife understandably does not want to go outside. How's that for exposure? Not very good. When we speak of expsure, we mean it should be exposed BY YOU to your family and friends. Any children over age 4 should be told.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The OM's wife has told most of the neighborhood. My wife understandably does not want to go outside. How's that for exposure? Someone else telling, is not You Exposing and pleading for their help to break up the affair. Grow your own gonads. Do what You can do to destroy the affair. Get more intel from OM's Wife. She seems to have a set of balls, but do you know exactly what she told to them? A letter works better than talking to most exposure contacts. LTL
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I had thought about that (contacting OM's wife). Problem is she may be very vindictive since her and my wife were "friends." Not sure what she tells me would be accurate. Plus my wife would just deny everything anyway. Oh and she lives ACROSS THE STREET...very toxic environment.
Last edited by PeteF; 12/11/14 03:02 PM.
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I had thought about that (contacting OM's wife). Problem is she may be very vindictive since her and my wife were "friends." Not sure what she tells me would be accurate. Plus my wife would just deny everything anyway. Oh and she lives ACROSS THE STREET...very toxic environment. Did you read the thread I posted?
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I had thought about that (contacting OM's wife). Problem is she may be very vindictive since her and my wife were "friends." Not sure what she tells me would be accurate. Plus my wife would just deny everything anyway. Oh and she lives ACROSS THE STREET...very toxic environment. Did you read the thread I posted? Yes
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I had thought about that (contacting OM's wife). Problem is she may be very vindictive since her and my wife were "friends." Not sure what she tells me would be accurate. Plus my wife would just deny everything anyway. Oh and she lives ACROSS THE STREET...very toxic environment. Did you read the thread I posted? Yes So when will you be exposing? Who is on your list from your WW's side? Your side? OM's side?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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I had thought about that (contacting OM's wife). Problem is she may be very vindictive since her and my wife were "friends." Not sure what she tells me would be accurate. Plus my wife would just deny everything anyway. Oh and she lives ACROSS THE STREET...very toxic environment. The point of exposure is not to consider what other people (OMW) will think about the affair. You must inform OMW about what is going on. The OMW in my case has many issues, I do not let her opinions or actions have any influence on what I have to do in order to try and save my marriage. I take her information with a grain of salt. You did not create this "Toxic environment". Your wife and OM did. Telling the truth is never wrong.
BH 31
Married 5 years
D day-10/8/14
Separated-10/27/14
1 DS3
1 DSS13
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Update - exposure complete. She is still in contact with OM. Didn't want to uproot 6 mo old and 2 1/2 yr old from our house so I left instead of asking her to leave. Really tired of being lied to. Staying with friends.
We each made appts with lawyers but cancelled after talking and agreeing to continue therapy but stay separated for a while. Remember it has only been 3 weeks since she revealed affair to me. God I hope someone here tells me that most WWs go through this, really don't want this to be it but am prepared for the worst. As it has only been one night apart I suppose I should should give the separation more time.
Last edited by PeteF; 12/16/14 11:47 PM.
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Pete.
Go back to your home
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Pete: So sorry for the pain you are going through. You need to go back home, sit her down, and tell her you do not want to break up a family. <<<<EDIT>>>> and tell her you want the best, most wonderful marriage and you know following Dr. Harley rules will get you both to that point. Pete, she is addicted, so it's going to be rough. We will all help guide you through this. Does your wife have any gripes against you? What are they?
Last edited by MBeliever; 12/17/14 12:18 AM. Reason: removed non-MB advice
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