I've been married for 10 years and together 15. I busted my husband having and affair 2 months ago. We've been going to marriage counseling and everything has been great even though I knew he was still hiding stuff. We got into an argument the other night and I drilled him for more information, he finally told me that he had another affair 3 years go. I've never suspected anything. I am crushed and still believe he is hiding more. At this point I have no clue what to do. I want to work it out if he can come clean. I have no clue where to start. At this point he is really not even talking to me. He's made at me because I posted the pictures of the 2 girls that he had the affair with on my fb. I feel I'm losing my husband and I don't want to. It's almost to the point I want to just forget everything and live unhappy with him. I've been with him since I was 16 and I'm now 31 and don't know if I could survive life without him. He's all I've ever know.

Hi Heartbroken, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am so sorry for the reasons that have brought you here.

How did he manage to hide these affairs? Does he travel for a living? How was he able to set up that secret lifestyle?

How did you catch him?

Welcome to MB, HeartBroken.

I think the only way you will get the truth is to arrange a polygraph test.

Living in an unhappy marriage with him is a misery you don't want. It will destroy you. Do you have children together?


Any betrayal from a spouse is horrible but you will survive with or without him...unless YOU choose to give up.

Welcome to MB

They were through text, I felt funny one day a looked at his phone and saw he deleted them. I got them all recovered. He works a lot and is my son's baseball coach. Both women were from baseball. We have 3 kids.

I don't know if any sex was involved. All I have is some of the messages.

HB, he will need to quit that coaching job. His affairs should be exposed to everyone involved, including your children. The plan to recover your marriage is in Surviving an Affair and here is the extraordinary precaution checklist from that book:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Is it still considered an affair if there was no sex involved? He says that it was just inappropriate text that went to far. There was a lot of talk about sex and pictures sent.

Yes, it's called an emotional affair. It will progress to a physical affair.

When will you be exposing?

I have already exposed the affair I busted 2 months ago. She lives in my neighborhood, so I was able to go to her house and confront her and tell her husband. I also told everyone at baseball about it. The other one that happened 3 years ago at baseball, I just found out and they only thing I did was post it on my fb and now I'm being threatened that if I don't stop that she will sue me for slander.

Did you expose to OW's parents?

Who did you expose to on WH's side? Did you tell your children?

And my husband has also been threatened that if I post anything else that he could loose his job. His Corp keeps a eye on my fb because I'm his wife, even though I don't have anything that says where he works and I don't talk about his job on my fb.

I'm not sure of the terms. OW? WH?

Did you expose to OW's parents?

Did you expose to WH's family?

Did you expose to your children?

OW= other woman
WH= wayward husband

Here Abbreviations and Acronyms

I did to my husband's family. I did not to neither women because neither have family, just friends. I was their friend and kinda took them in to help them. Watched their kids and paid for one of the OW kid to play baseball and bought all food while we were out of town playing ball with our kids. The baseball is a voluntary position. It's not his day job.

1 OW does have an x husband and he has the kids now. I would have no clue how to tell him. She had a granny but her granny has passed away a few years ago... the other OW moved here from out of town and she had a lot of abuse growing up and was taken from her home.

My 9 year old son knows. My twins are 6 and not sure how to tell them.

Did WH use the word "affair" or is that your word? What exactly did he admit to happening three yrs ago?

Is anyone from his family putting any pressure on him?

What did his parents say? Your parents?

How old are your kids? Have you told them?

Yes, it is an affair.

No he doesn't ever use the word affair. I only do. He told me that him and her would text very sexual things and she would send naked pictures. I left to get away after he told me, so him and I really haven't spoke about it anymore. I'm going back home, I just needed time to process all this alone.

Where did you go?

So he's home with your children?

Please answer this.
Have you told your children?

Who told you he could loose his job if you post anything about his affair partners (APs)?

If your WH is so worried about possibly losing his job, you have leverage to require him to take a poly. Do not take anything down.

Here, please read. Dr. Harley recommends to tell children of 4 years and older.
Exposing to Children

As soon as I posted it he got an email from corporate With a ss of my post and was told it was a big no no and I needed to remove it or he
Could loose his job. I did remove it and deleted my fb.

Did you see this email or just his word that he received this email?

I saw one email from corporate with the ss asking him what was this all about. The rest was done through phone calls or other emails. I'm not to sure. They were telling him that I had on my fb that I worked for his job but I didn't and I don't even have that I was married. I do have pictures of us a a company function with the name of the company. Thats it.

You must be very special that Corporate Officials just sit and wait for you to post on FB.

Do you REALLY believe that?

Let's see. A cheater is a liar. The liar told you he got that message.

Uhhh??? How can the posts of a non-employee have anything to do with his job?

I think your lying WH just revealed a soft spot he is concerned about.

Does he know either POSOW from his work?

If the company is THAT concerned about their public image of their employees, they surely would want to know whatever they can to cease and desks his despicable behavior.

Contact them directly. See if someone monitors your FB account. That sound ludicrously.

LTL

He can't lose his job over your facebook page, that is a lie he made up to scare you. He can lose his job over bad behavior possibly, but that is his fault not yours.

What do I need to do to get our marriage where it needs to be.. what questions should I ask him? He says he wants to work it out and so do I but I need honesty from him and don't know how to get that out.

I would schedule a polygraph with a reliable tester. What questions do want answered? I would make an appointment and when you do that, hand him a list of all your questions. Tell him he has 2 days to answer honestly and clear the air BEFORE the pg test. He won't know what questions they ask on the polygraph.Tell him you expect him to pass it.

In the meantime, he must agree to some very specific steps that are designed to protect you from another affair. The first steps would be to quit coaching and cut off all contact with these women. And I would definitely expose the affair.

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

So I now know what he was hiding in his truck the other night that he didn't want me to know about and claimed it was just a sex toy. It was drugs. Ox y codeine. (Have no clue how to spell it ) the pill has A322 on it. He had 18 this morning when I counted them at 11 and now it's 1:30 and I went and recounted them and there is only 14. He does not know I know any of this. What do I do next??

HB, are you reading our posts? We are making posts to you and it doesn't seem like you are even reading them. We can't help you if you don't read our posts.

As far as this recent discovery, just go talk to him. Are these illegal narcotics? If so, I would call the police.

Do you think you have the ability to put aside your emotions and follow a plan? Because if you can't, I don't give this any hope. Your marriage is not going to recover by magic. You have to be able to follow and execute a plan.

I am reading post. I just can't do anything right now because we are out of town at families.

I am reading post. I just can't do anything right now because we are out of town at families.

Have you told your six year olds yet?

I haven't yet. We've been out of town and I didn't want to do it around my family. I'm going to when we get home and sit them all down and tell them. All my family knows except my grandparents. I didn't want to worry them they are in their late 80's.

My grandma, who is in her 90s has been an immense help in dealing with my WW affair. I wouldn't hesitate to tell them.

My grandma is very very religious and wouldn't judge, all she would do is pray for us. I just don't want to break her heart. She tells me all the time that she feels so comfortable leaving this earth knowing her granddaughter has a wonderful husband and will be taken care of when she's gone. I just don't want her to know the pain I'm in and worry her self to death.

Is this your show?

Radio Clip of HeartBrokenlost's Show

Have you told your children?

How are you?

Response


we talked about the coaching job and he will no longer coach.
Response he does not have any contact with either.







Response i do monitor everything. he wanted his whatsapp back for work and i let him have it back. he only talks to his employees.

Response i do know where hes at all times

Response yes i have all control over all the money now

Response yes we do

Response not necessary

Response we dont spend any nights apart

Response yes

this has been done to everyone but my 6 year old girls. i just dont feel comfortable telling them. they are young i wouldnt understand.

'Monitoring" everything will not stop communication. You are just enabling him by agreeing for him to have Whatsapp. He can easily communicate with the OW.

this has been done to everyone but my 6 year old girls. i just dont feel comfortable telling them. they are young i wouldnt understand. [/quote]

Of course they would understand unless they are mentally disabled. Are they mentally impaired? Children usually understand as young as age 4.

I don't see that you have taken affair proofing seriously at all. Your husband's girlfriend is still free to contact him.

There is nothing we can do for you if you won't take these steps seriously. Your husband won't take it seriously if you don't..

I am putting a list together on what i need to do. here's what I have so far

1 delete both facebooks
2 change both cell numbers
3 im going to tell my girls

Good girl!!

he left this morning because he was sick of talking (he went to work)
im wanting to know if i should let him come back home? we are supposed to take our kids and go to the beach tomorrow. its already paid for.his mom and my neighbors are going. it was planned while i thought things were getting better then we had a fight yesterday and he left this morning.

what else should i do on my list? what about letting him come back home tonight?

What happened?

it started over 5 hour energy shots. he said he wouldnt buy them anymore and he did behind my back. he did tell me he did buy them after the fact. the lie of him saying he wouldnt buy them anymore brought all the feelings back.

the reason i ask if he should stay away is because i feel if he was gone he would have time to think and then he would get serious about fixing things.

So we worked with HB a little today and I think we have a short term plan worked out.

DH is going to be coming home this evening. We figured they can't work anything out if they are apart.

They seem to have a problem with love busters, so HB is going to be working to eliminate these from her side of the fence. The goal of this is partially to show hubby the benefits of working the program and more importantly to stop the LB withdrawals.

She is also going to work her three action items:

1. Eliminate both Facebook accounts
2. Change both of their cell numbers.
3. Sit her children down herself and tell them what is going on.

We've gone over the reasons for all of these items so I believe HB is on board.

Her husband has indicated that he would be willing to go on the radio show with her so that is a positive.

I believe all of this is in line with what would be recommended here, but wanted to put it out there for the more experienced.

I also believe HB and her DH would benefit from some help getting their love busters under control (especially bringing up mistakes of the past).

Is there anything else we should be working into her plan right now? HB is currently at the point of being very upset that her DH isn't showing more initiative on his own. Reading, posting, etc. Of course he just wants it to all go away.

Sorry that probably sounded odd. I should mention that HB is a neighbor of ours who we have been talking with about MB. We sent here here for help since MB and this forum worked so well for us. I know she will get good advice here. More than we can provide on our own.

HBL,

When are you going to start doing these things? I don't mean to sound harsh but those three things should not take long. You said you were going to tell your girls when you got back from your family trip and still haven't (don't know when you got back). You haven't told your girls and there is an upcoming beach trip...seems like you want to keep putting things off. There will never be a "good" time. The longer you drag things out the harder it will be.

When are you going to do those three things?

I have deleted my fb already and asked him to do the same. He has not yet. I also asked him to have mine and his number changed and said he will call the company. It will be easy to get our numbers changed as we don't have a local number so Verizon shouldn't give us a hard time.
He's not home from work yet so maybe he'll delete his fb once he gets here and calls the phone company. Again with my girls, it's just finding the right words for them. They are twins so yes they are delayed, one is more delayed than the other. I've been reading on how to tell them on their own level. I am ok with them knowing, it's just making sure I say the right thing and I'm ready with answers because they will hit me with a lot of questions.

What did you tell DS9? You can't tell the girls the same?

My DD was 6 when I exposed. My son was 8. I told them the same thing.

My son is 9 and I just told him and with who, as he knows them both very well. He is friends with both women's boys. All he said was " I guess this means no more baseball"

Well, soon I guess. My husband signed up for marriage builders and I'm sure he'll see this soon.

I don't see any reason why you can't tell your girls the same as you told your son. I think you are over thinking it. You should tell the girls tonight and get it over with.

HB, simply tell them the truth just as you told the boy. This is not complicated. Tell them their dad committed adultery with OW. Explain what adultery means and tell them how much it hurts you. Explan why adultery is immoral. I would make it clear to them that you all will have no contact with the OW and her family for life.

Do this without telling your husband first. Just tell the girls on your own and encourage them to speak to your H if they have any questions.

Bravo!!! HB, you have a great resource right here.

Please listen to the clips in here.
Exposing to Children

Just an update on what's going on. My husband has been reading on the marriage builders website and we have been reading surving an affair together nightly. We changed all numbers, deleted fb, and blocked the ow numbers from all our phones. ( the ow would contact me often) things seem to he ok, I'm learning to control my emotions which was very hard for me. It's getting easier. My husband is not against telling the girls about his affair, he's been reading and agrees that it will be best to tell them.

Did he send the OW a NC letter?

Have you spoke to your doctor about ADs?

The affair has been ended since October. I'm 100% sure. Her husband and I stayed in Contact for a while after I exposed it to him to make sure nothing else came up.

What is Ads?

I have been on ads since October. They also gave me Xanax but I no longer take them. I'm ok without the Xanax. I'm sleeping fine and my heart dosent race near as much as it did.

I still think he needs to write a NC letter and you send it. This is a very important step for a WH to show he is serious about recovery. If he can't do that, then that is red flag.

Coping with Infidelity: Part 2 How Should Affairs End?


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

We will get on with the letter tonight after getting kids in bed. The ow lives very close to me. She lives in my neighborhood.

She rents so I do pray she moves. We just had this house built less than 2 years ago, so we will not be moving. Just wanted to add that incase moving comes up. It's not an option for us.

I am so sorry, because that means marital recovery is not an option. If you put the house before your marriage, you won't make it. You can't possibly recover your marriage living in the same neighborhood as the OW. Even if you have to rent out your home to move, you should do it without delay. Every time you and your H drive by the OW house, you will both be triggered. And as long as your H is perpetually triggered, there is a strong chance the affair will resume.

Go to this thread: here and listen to the radio clips for this caption:

Renting out our house and moving is not an option. It may mean we have to work harder,and that's what we will do. I'm sorry but I completely disagree that we can't fix things while living here. I believe we can.

HB, there is no house on the face of the earth that is worth sacrificing your marriage. None. We have had hundreds of people move in order to get away from their affair partner.

here

Sure, you can skip this step. But you are facing an on again, off again affair for years and very likely a divorce.

I am so sorry. Your marriage will not make it. You can disagree all you want, but you can't disagree with reality. I have been here for 14 years and have not seen a marriage recover where affairees remained neighbors. However, I have seen many, many affairs resume because the WS was perpetually triggered. Your husband can't ever withdraw with the OW living right there.

The motivation and the opportunity to resume the affair will always be there until you move.

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. He must certainly not work with his former lover and should probably live in some other city or state. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

I also would like to add that everyone in our neighborhood knows about the affair. I exposed it to them. We have a neighborhood fb page.

I am so sorry.

If your husband refuses to move, Dr. Harley would recommend that YOU move away yourself with the children to another city, state and go into Plan B, a dark separation. The goal is that when your husband is truly willing to move, he will follow you to the new safe place.

Staying there in the same neighborhood with the OW will a) make recovery impossible and b) will tear you down emotionally and physically living with her in close proximity. Every time you see her house or car will be a trigger for you. And it will certainly be a trigger for your husband and the OW.

You might want to email Dr. Harley and ask for his help in persuading your husband to get out of there.

I am not sorry that I informed everyone. She is a runner and is always with other women's husband's. I feel they deserved to know.

You don't have to be sorry about that.

What is sorry is that obviously this is a close-knit area and being close is a danger.

I very much agree it was a smart thing to do. But it doesn't negate the need to move away.

What I meant in this post is that I am sorry you have chosen not to move. I am not sorry you exposed the affair. That was a good move.

HBL,

I really hope you will listen to Dr. Harley's advice on moving. We have seen countless couples struggle with recovery because they live in the same town/city (let alone the same neighborhood) that the AP does. Many of these posters don't feel that recovery starts until they've moved.

If you listen to the clip, the couple struggled with recovery because the WH lived a mile away from the OW. Dr. Harley recommends time and time again to move away from the AP.

Please do what you can to put your marriage first and get out of there.

HB, there are always ways to figure out how to move. For example, if you can't sell your home, you could RENT it out and move away. There are many, many ways to skin that cat.

We moved several states away after my wife's affair. It was essential to our recovery. It's not just the presence of the AP, which is a plenty good reason all by itself. It is the triggers, too. All of those reminders of the affair that leave you with no peace.

Having the OW in such close proximity with so many shared neighborhood connections leaves you no other choice. If you don't move, you might as well get divorced and save yourself the pain of a failed attempted recovery.

My husband has said we can move if I want to. I will not move. My life is here. I moved away from here once before and I was extremely depressed, so my husband put a transfer in his job to move me back home. This other lady will not always be here, she has no family and barely any friends now. Her home is far away and I believe she will move when her lease is up. This has been my home town since I was in the 1st grade and I love it here.

That is certainly your choice not to move. You can choose your house over the marriage. I am just telling you that your marriage will not survive living in the same neighborhood with the OW. Will you be able to keep that house in a divorce? Those are the kinds of questions you should consider.

What you are trying to do is like sending the alcoholic into the bar to have drinks every day and hoping he can sober up because he is reading the Big Book. Unfortunately, the alcoholic never sobers up and has continual relapses.

See, in order for your marriage to survive, absolute no contact must take place, just as complete abstinence is the first step towards sobriety.

It is up to you to choose your priorities. You won't be able to get everything you want. It is not possible to go back to life as it was before the affair. That is reality. You need to build a new marriage that is stronger and better than it ever was before. Your marriage will have to come first. If your house and friends come first, your marriage will not make it.