�ll start with he simple facts and honestly answer and questions as well as be grateful for any advice and guidance. Also, be patient with me as I don�t know if I have all the acronyms down.

I am the husband and the BS after 19 years of marriage, one that has had its ups and downs. We have 3 children, 1 adult who still lives with us, 1 away at college and a high school student. My wife previously had an affair and if I had found this site back then I may not in this situation again, because after reading as much as I could here I see many mistakes I made. Mostly in regards to being controlling and demanding.

going back to Aug/Sept I noticed changes in her behavior and red flags went up, I started checking cell phone records and various other means of communicating. I couldn�t find anything definite but I knew something was going on so I remained diligent. One day I had access to her cell phone a restored deleted pictures and found some very sexually explicit pictures and immediately challenged her on them. I got a bunch of lies that I knew were lies but I didn�t push the point to hard and actually complemented her on the pictures and told how hot I would have found it if she sent them to me. She took the opportunity to downgrade herself and I stuck tot the compliements, but let it go.

Then 1 day I followed her to work and saw her card coming off the block of the guy I suspected she had something going on with. I challenged her and got more lies, but now I had the more definitive proof I needed and dug deeper. Although one day I told her I don�t like the person I am becoming by all this checking up and if there is someone else tell me now and I�ll let you go if needed for you to find happiness. Obviously I was told there was no one else. Then a few days later I had enough and challenged her on it and she admitted there was another man. Told her I was disappointed, but didn�t think it was a marriage ender if she is willing to end it and we leave the past behind us and move forward. Kind of left the conversion end there.

Then over a series of 2 weeks of talking I reminded her she is my wife and I love her, which I truly do and this was after much reflection and realizing I don�t want this to work for fear of being lonely or the future. I truly do love her, and she loves me but isn�t in love with me. So after discussion I told her its her decision if she should end it or not and how we move forward. So last Sunday she contacted him and put an end to it, her choice. She was then miserable the next few days which I figured was the mourning period, where I tried to be comforting, not discussing the situation but telling her I am here for you if need to talk. Even tried sending cute messages, being affectionate and nonjudgmental. I would give her my full attention when she spoke, but said we need full honesty. Well I found out on Thursday she did text him a bit, which would explain her better mood and willingness to have sex with me. Which didn�t go totally well because of the ghosts I of her past I felt.

I figured we were making progress so I told her I was disappointed she texted him but we are all human and make mistakes. And asked her to please recommit to ending and she said she will try. Then yesterday she sent him a text again, I observed it and she owned it. It started a long conversation again where I got I am trying but I am not finding feelings for you and I told her we can�t work on us with the OM in the picture, you need to let him go. She said she isn�t sure she can, so I left the house. A few hours after I was gone I got text asking if I was coming home and I told her I wasn�t sure and she indicated she was just checking to see if I was ok and I said I was. That ended our conversation for the night.

I did end up spilling my guts to a close friend and few other other people who we socialize with and that felt so good to finally talk to someone about it. I think I got good advice from them because it generally lines up with much of what is said here. And they agree if I love her I should stay in the fight. I did end up spending the night out of the house and came home after I knew she left for work, but before the kids got up. So to them while I am sure the sense stress and tension I tried to make it look like a normal day. Again I have a student who lives on campus, but she was home on break while this was happening and kept giving me compliments in front of her mom for stepping up my game and being more loving towards mom. So I am sure she suspects but would never ask.

I won�t be surprised if she resumed communicating with him last night after I left and today, so I may have committed a major error by not sleeping at home and have to go back to the beginning.

I know at some point they will need to know and since the OM is someone that I used to call friend until this broke and will interact with as part of an organization that neither of can resign from at this time I will need to let word get out around there. Although I believe many already suspect, but I don�t anticipate much social pressure from them to do the right thing based on past observance with similar situations. Its a group of guys that believe let other peoples business be their businees.

I think I am in plan A and from what I read here, I need to give it 6 months, is that correct and what do you think my next steps are. Continue the good morning/night kiss. The subtle touch of hand, or other body part because it feels kind of ok to quote her. I may have gotten smothering at one point and realized it and pulled back some. I guess let her know I am no longer hiding or supporting the affair, if asked what is wrong I will give the honest answer. Continue to build myself and take care of the family. Do I keep telling her she needs to end it with the OM, r do I let ride when I try to implement plan A stuff.

Hi Phoenix.

You did not make an error that took you back to the beginning...you have always been at the beginning and not made any progress. You need to properly expose the affair to your family and children, especially since OM was once a friend...and expose to other beneficial targets as well.

When was her previous affair?

Welcome to MB.

Welcome to MB, and I'm sorry to hear of these events in your marriage.

As well as the exposure targets identified by black_raven, you need to expose to this man's wife.

There is no such thing as "an organization that neither of can resign from at this time" in a free country, and I presume you live in one. Your wife is probably absolutely unwilling to resign from this organisation right now, but that is what she will have to do if she is ever to rebuild her marriage to you.

Please make sure you sleep in your own bed every night until and unless you make the decision to move out and go to Plan B - and you should not do that for six months at least.

There is more that you need to do, but there is little point our talking about it until you

• expose the affair to this man's wife, to your kids and to this "organisation".
  
  
• get your wife to leave the organisation and agree to have no contact whatsoever with this man.

Thats what I feared we were still at step 1, which is ok, we can't fix years of issues in a week. She just came home for her lunch break and we talked for the 1st time since last night. I told her who I let know about the affair last night and I will own its existence going forward and if anyone asks I will answer honestly. I also told her the kids suspect, I can tell by my daughters behavior and they need to be told mom has a boyfriend and that I want to work on saving the marriage and she will have to answer for herself what she wants.

I was correct she is back to texting him, last night and today. She also stopped by to see him this morning before work and amy or may not go after work. The opportunity is created because I will be with our son at a school event she won't attend because of timing from her getting out work and its start time. Also, she want to attend her workout class tonight.

The previous affair was back in 2011, from roughly January until June, that one got exposed because I got a phone call from his then wife. They have since divorced.

I was deciding what to do when she was struck with a major medical emergency that hospitalized her for over a week, so I took care of her and it kind of naturally ended at that time with some demanding from me and him caught in his own firestorm. So I took her back because I felt throwing her out at that time would make me look real bad. We never worked on anything and I harbored bitterness and controlling behavior.

I may be fighting a loosing battle, but at least I willing to give it a go.

Don't warn her about exposure. You have to do it all at once or she will pre-empt you by telling everyone you're crazy or that you had agreed that you were separating and would begin seeing other people.

Read Exposure 101 and get started.

Thanks SugarCane, he is already divorced from his wife not from the previous affair with mine, but another one he had after that one was exposed. he is currently living in a friends house, also a member of this organization and he cannot afford to get his own place. I am sure the members of that house are already aware of the affair and probably supportive, because when their own son was having one they closed ranks to protect him.

So if she leaves and goes to him that already full house would have to make room for her. I can expose to his kids, but not sure how to do that properly. His ex won't care she is engaged to a new man herself and left him way behind.

She is not a member, me and him are. The can't leave is because of responsibility I feel to the community because of the position I hold with in it

You have got to EXPOSE. It cant be a casual exposure over weeks, it needs to be massive and all at once. I am calling BS, on your statement about the organization you are in. That is where you need to expose also.
Follow the steps, read the first thread on this forum about EXPOSURE.
Do not get cold feet or be wishy washy about this step as so many people are.

Sounds like she has poor boundaries with men. The reason you harbor bitterness from her previous affair, is you didnt expose or implement extraordinary precautions.

You are not to blame for the affair, but it does sound that you are owning your part of the marriage issues.

Of course she is "back" to texting him and seeing him...contact has never stopped. Your WW would find opportunity to see POSOM regardless of any school event so don't get caught up in thinking she won't create opportunities to see OM. Given that she is a serial cheater, you don't need to be doing Plan A as much as demanding she end her affair and expose it.


When you say the 2011 affair was exposed, do you mean the BW exposed to you only or that you exposed the affair to your family and friends?

Hi ThePhoenix, welcome to Marriage Builders. The others are correct in that exposure affords your best chance at saving your marriage. Affairs thrive on secrecy, so exposure ruins them. Your goal is kill the affair. Killing the affair will allow you to save your marriage.

Please go read the exposure thread in my signature and come back and lets talk.

Perhaps YOU are the one that changes this unhealthy and unsupportive culture. If not, you really don't need "friends" like these in your life.


I like to stress to my daughter that the most non-exclusive non-judgmental social groups in every high school in America are the burn out druggies. ANYONE with some money, some drugs and willingness to buy and use drugs can be a member. There is absolutely nothing special or valuable about being a member of a group where anyone can be a member no matter how despicable, mean, intelligent, or desperate and whose primary values are:

1. Don't talk about what we do;
2. Don't make me feel bad about anything; (The point is not feeling at all)
3. If you get caught, I don't know you and will rat you out before you rat me out.

Anyway, if your "friends" won't hold her (and you) accountable for their behavior it's probably because doing so means addressing their own issues and behavior and concludes with the fact that you likely need better friends.

Resign. The organization where your wife met and had a relationship with OM will get by without you. They will be just fine.

NebDane exposure will happen there, most already suspect I think. So I will have to confirm it snd find people who support saving the marriage. So I need to be sure who my allies are. I think the best way for me to start is to talk to the husband of a couple we are friends with, different circle than this guy was in and we are close so this conversation wouldn't be out of bounds. He is the guy who tell anything you want to get out and the 2nd point there is his wife is a very close friend of my wives and my wife confirmed she hasn't told her about the affair even though she know about the previous one. I think she would help apply some pressure to her to end it with the OM.

To put an end to organization comments, I cannot leave right now but will if he won't after the exposure and she commits to work on the marriage. Just no reason to leave now because their paths will not cross because of it in the near future and it will cause major upset because of my position. So I will leave that wreckage when it is time to save the marriage. Otherwise if she leaves the marriage I will stay.

Black_Raven, in context of this board you are correct it wasn't exposed as much as revealed to spouses and directly affected people. But not made public.

Where I struggle is how to expose and to who, but it feels good that the process has started.

We probably just had the best conversation on her lunch break which is longer than average then we have had in years, never mind since this started. She actually leaned in to kiss me on her way back to work, but didn't commit to end it yet. She did tear up when I said the kids need to know and got bothered when I brought up his ability to provide security and financial support compared to mine and my willingness to do it.

I told her if she leaves her best move isn't to go and live with him but get her own place so she can find herself and what makes her happy without being dependent on anybody. I also continued to tell her if she doesn't do that she is just replacing one relationship for another and thats not moving forward in life but repeating the past with new players. I think that hit home as she than came to me to have conversion about our our son is doing in school.

TP, you don't know who will or won't support your marriage, so you need to expose it to everyone. Even if someone won't support your marriage, you benefit from them knowing, becuase the more people who know, the harder it will be to hide the affair. People do tend to hold others accountable.

Expose to your circle of friends, family members, children, the OM's facebook contacts and this organization. Don't waste time sitting aorund trying to guess who will or won't help.

And depending on this one guy to "get the word out" misses the point. We are not trying to spread gossip, but to enlist people to help you. Most people dismiss gossip.


Not sure of the relationship to this organization so I won't comment here.


Please read above and stop struggling. Tell everyone.


DO NOT forewarn your wife about exposure. She shold have never been told about this. Just go tell your kids asap WITHOUT HER.


oh good grief. Sir. Please don't speak psychobabble to your wife. She knows exactly who she is. If she does not, just pull out her drivers license and look up her name. IT is not her "best move" to move out, so please stop talking about it.


Nice way to push her away more. Lecturing her just makes you more unattractive to her.

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Doesn't sound like you care too damn much either. Telling her to move out to "find herself" [which means nothing] is not the statement of a husband who is fighting for his marriage. Complacence reflects a lack of caring.

I assure you that your wife knows where she is. She does not need to go "find herself."

Very eye opening and need to give this a lot of thought because I don't like the culture and want it to change

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This is a distraction. Just make up a list of your friends and family and send them an email about the affair, using the templates on my exposure thread. Call those family members who are very close, like parents, etc. Tell your children ALONE [without your wife] and send facebook messages to the OM's contacts using the instructions on the exposure thread.

You need to read the Exposure 101 thread. It is all in there on how to do it, templates of letters to send, etc.

Negotiating, lecturing or trying to point out pitfalls(as you are doing with your wayward) is futile and frankly just stupid. So, stop doing that.
If you are intending to save the marriage, then expose. It must be done far and wide and all at once(all family both sides, friends, OM friends, OM family, Facebook friends, clergy, this organization you hold so dearly, etc) DO NOT WARN THE WAYWARD-just do it.
Then continue to plan A, so read up on that.

Now is the time to be a man and step up.

MelodyLane thank you thats I slap I need!

I do care, and get lost in words and over speak and ouch about the lecturing, but accurate when I read it back. Maybe I need to stop talking and just be me and work on building the love bank.

The finding herself was a counter to a comment she made and seeing what you said may be hard words for me to swallow, but very eye opening.

I need to run, but will check back later as it looks like I still have some learning to do

Are you interested in A#3? That is where you are headed. You do not seem even in two pages of a thread to be interested in following the *very narrow road* to end this A and create an affair proof marriage going forward.

You aren't listening to the veterans very knowledgable advice here. You are just coming back to detail your latest 'great conversation' you had with your fogged out wayward wife.

You are married to a serial cheater on her second (known) affair. If you really want to turn this around, you need to get serious about this.

The way I am reading this is that both affairs are with the same OM, is that correct? So your wife just resumed the affair with her OM from 2011? If so you can see the affects of keeping OM in your life, through some silly organization. Because you felt an obligation to your community, you kept him in your lives and waalaa, affair resumed. Can you see what a BAD idea this was, and why you need to not do the same thing a second time around?

You need to stop talking to WW and expose. Stop worrying about building a love bank. Telling your WW to go find herself or that she looks hot despite sending sexual pictures to OM is doing you no favors and sounds foolish.