What matters are actions. He should not be able to get ahold of her because she should be changing all of her contact information and sending him a no contact letter. How far away does this guy live? Here is the checklist and I will post the no contact letter in the next post:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Her contact information is being changed and blocks have been in place for his numbers and IM's.

Same town, she has agreed to take extrodinary precautions to ensure their paths don't cross since he should never be near her job and she shouldn't need to go to that section of town. Many people want him out of the orgainization over this, so there may be pressure for him to leave. All of our friends know he can never be at the same social event as us or her. Which shouldn't be an issue because we plan on spending most our social time with other couples we are close to who support excommunicating him from our lives.


These have been done although there may be more questions about the A, but at this point I feel I know what I need to know. Time to leave the past behind us and build a new future



These are things that I would call are work in progress and will continue to be for a long time to come.

Can you be more specific?

Has this been done yet??

Just because they are argreed to doesn't mean they are completed items, these I veiw as very specific action items that have to be worked on each and every day going forward and so does she.

Although after signnifcant discussion it was decided relocation at this time isn't going to happen, we want our youngest to finish high school and financial considerations as well make it hard to move at this time, However, because of the way the town is going on top of everything else we will be saving with the goal of moving in the future. However, if there is any failure in maintaining seperation from the OM then the house will be sold and we will move sooner than later.

We have begun making plans for activities that we enjoy together and started planning a trip in March that will be just us.

Money has never been unaccounted for so I don't ancipate that to be an issue, but will be watchful.

Yes, in addition to being hurt and upset they seemed a little relieved to finally know why there was a lot of tension in the house. This ruined our holidays. Our daughter was the toughest on her and I think the wife has a bit of work in rebuilding the relationship there and with the boys as well.

Your high schooler will be done with school in no time. Something to do TOGETHER while you work towards this goal is undertake some home improvement projects together. Your relationship could use the time together and working and completing and enjoying such projects together brings couples closer and it's a good distraction from the difficulties of recovery. Also, many people wait until just before they sell to do those projects they always wanted to do in hopes that they'll maximize their sale price. Do them NOW so at least you can enjoy them for a few years before you actually sell.

I hope you and, in particular, your wife view this as an opportunity to teach your children. Sure it's uncomfortable now but how she (and you) handle yourselves here on out models extremely important values to your children that they otherwise would have been deprived of.

Our daughter was 5 when it happened to us. We told her when she was around 10 or 11 (she asked...we didn't lie or hide it as she is/was aware of our work here on MB and our MB friends). We regretted it for awhile. Young girls can be tough. But our daughter trusts us to be honest with her. To speak the truth and she has learned people make mistakes and they can try and succeed at making amends and she has witnessed forgiveness and grace. There are lingering consequences....as a 15 year old now, it has been used as a manipulative tool or a excuse for her mistakes very occasionally; but, conversely, our daughter has also counseled and supported many friends enduring the same confusing issues and questions your children had previous to being told. In fact, one of her friends has been holding a secret for a long time. She is aware her mother has been cheating on her father for many years. Mother doesn't know she knows and dad is, we suspect, oblivious. This poor child has suffered psychologically holding in this secret. I'm soon to intervene and speak to her father (nervously). It's just too much to ask a 15 year girl to tell her father such information. I hope they are NOT swingers or something and Dad already knows and it's their big secret as that will be even more uncomfortable than him being devastated but we shall see. The daughter could be mistaken as well. It's not like she's going to give me proof so her dad propably won't believe me but he needs to know this is what his daugter thinks is happening. Either way, at least the daughter won't have to carry this burden with her anymore and we'd have never known if our daughter wasn't informed extensively about marriage, relationships, infidelity and forgiveness.

Godspeed.

Mr. W

p.s. - if the organization you work with is the Masons...get out ASAP.

It was the affair that was responsible for that, not the exposure. Ruining the holidays is a tiny effect of all of this. Saying the affair ruined the holidays is like saying a nuclear attack delayed mail delivery.

Its funny you bring this up some the best times we had as a family is when we were renovating a room or doing some other home improvement project because the kids love to help.

There a few things that need to be done sooner than later just as maintenance on the house so they will get priority.

Alright, that made me laugh.

The discovery/proof of the affair and the misteps I made trying to bring it to an end is what created tension and ruined the holidays. The exposure a few days ago, put us on the right track.

Just wanted to chime in and say my parents moved me twice in high school (Jr. and Sr. years) after being in the same place for the first 16 years of my life, and I turned out fine. My dad lost his job two years in a row, and the moves were both several hundred miles apart.

I don't hate my parents at all for it and if they were up against what you're up against, I would certainly have understood (have you exposed to your son?). I actually look at the moves as a blessing because I had been an introvert before the relocations forced me to learn to meet new people, and ultimately I ended up in a community with much better opportunities than the one I left.

It wasn't a cakewalk but it actually did make our family closer because I spent more time with my parents and siblings than I did with my friends.

Yes, all the children know and they are being very supportive of us working on rebuilding our marriage.

I know things work out well for most kids who get moved around in the long run and I am sure he would adapt and build a life in any new place we move to since he is very outgoing. However, there are a few more things at play here, most of the towns we are looking to relocate to the schools systems are significantly inferior to the one we are currently in and we can't afford private education.

Then there is also financial considerations in relation to the value of our house and what we owe, we really need to knock off the 2nd mortgage before we can sell and have money for a new place. Also, since he is our youngest the next house will be a downsize as we anticipate at least the oldest and probably our middle child to be living on their own in a few years.

So there are practical reasons driving this decision at this time, but it isn't off the table should a drastic need arise for us to do it to protect the marriage. For now its been workable because of the extraordinary measures that my wife has been taking to avoid the OM and have no contact.

She has been putting in significant effort into our marriage, me and the family.

Since I have received good advice here, I feel it is only courteous that I give some kind of update.

Well it's been a few weeks and my wife is either an academy award caliber actress or is fully engaged in rebuilding our marriage. It feels like we are back to when we were dating and first married with the level of interest and caring we having been showing each other. She constantly tells me how happy she is and how right this feels. Every night it seems we both look forward to coming home from work and spending time with each other. She does nothing to trigger bad memories with me and in some recent social situations has shown how her boundaries with the OS have changed and how willing she is to protect my feelings and our marriage. She even asked if on our next anniversary which will be our 20th if I would renew our vows. Of course if things stay as they are I am all for it.

Obviously I remain dilligent in checking up on her to ensure everything is as it seems, which so far it has all been good. No red flags or signs of anything to be concerned with. Now I know this is the prudent thing to do and part of working the plan to build a better marriage, but it also becomes a self inflicted wound because it reminds me of the affair and person I was when I suspected the A and the things I did and how bitter I was.

So the only trigger of the past that creeps up is when I check up on her and then my mind runs with thoughts from the affair, not sure how to handle this.

Did she ever write a NC letter?

Yes an NC letter was written and I handed to the OM so I know he got and read it.

That is great.

So how much UA time are you getting?

on week nights we set aside at least an hour for just us to talk and be together after we both get home from work, its kind of a catch up on the day pattern we have started to develop. Then most nights we try to spend another 1/2 hour before bed to discuss our plans for the next day or two.

Then on the weekends we spend more time together and have been trying to do at least 1 recreational activity together.

In the past few weeks we have created more good memories than I can recall from the past few years.

The issue is things are going so well I feel bad if I check up on her and when I do that is the trigger that brings back bad memories, particularly since one of the love busters for her was she felt I was controlling (and on some levels she was right) and its a behaviour I have work hard to correct.

So I feel like I am in self perpetuating loop.

You need to be getting a minimum of 15-20 hours a week. How can you accomplish this?

Please listen to the clips in here.
The Critical Importance of Undivided Attention