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[
One of her lover busters was not getting out of the house enough socially, so this needs to stay in the mix. We just don�t count this as UA time when we plan our week Gotcha. That will work as long as it doesn't interfere with your alone time. When she falls in love again, she will be much more stingy about any time with friends/family. It sounds like you are on the right track! Good job! I think we have taken a baby step in this direction. Last weekend there was an event we were supposed to attend and instead she said she wanted to stay home and spend the night with me. We did nothing special just went out for ice cream and caught up on some recorded TV shows. Also, there is a bike event that we have been involved with for the past 9 years that we help out with coming up this weekend. Usually she helps with the registration and then goes to the end site to help setup while I do the run, usually giving an invited guest a ride on my bike. This year she is insisting that she rides in the run with with me.
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I am wondering if some former WW's might be able to give me a bit of insight as to what they experienced in regards to friends and other people's reactions after exposure and you settled into rebuilding the marriage. I have noticed recently what few girlfriends my wife has or maybe had seem to be to busy to talk to her and don't keep her in the loop about different silly things going on. It�s like they are pulling away and while that has created opportunities for her to lean on me more and more for emotional support. I am also beginning to sense she is feeling a bit isolated. I guess this is to be expected, but it hurts me to see this happening to her and I am not sure if I should be doing anything other than being there for her.
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Are you getting any UA time? If so, how much?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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Are you getting any UA time? If so, how much? This past week we already hit 20 hours before our plans for today, we will easily get 4 to 6 hours this afternoon and into the evening. Do that isn't an issue. We talked about what I was perciving this morning and while she said there is disappointment in not being included as much by her girlfriends lately it's ok because it leaves more time for us.
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Sir,
Since the affair partner lives near your wife's work you will need to move far away.
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Thanks SugarCane, he is already divorced from his wife not from the previous affair with mine, but another one he had after that one was exposed. he is currently living in a friends house, also a member of this organization and he cannot afford to get his own place. I am sure the members of that house are already aware of the affair and probably supportive, because when their own son was having one they closed ranks to protect him.
So if she leaves and goes to him that already full house would have to make room for her. I can expose to his kids, but not sure how to do that properly. His ex won't care she is engaged to a new man herself and left him way behind.
She is not a member, me and him are. The can't leave is because of responsibility I feel to the community because of the position I hold with in it Whatever happened about your membership of this organisation that you could not resign from?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Sir,
Since the affair partner lives near your wife's work you will need to move far away. We have had significant discussions on this topic and currently we are not in a financial position to move at this time, we have put a plan in place to be able to move in the future. In the meantime extraordinary care precautions have been agreed to and are being followed.
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Thanks SugarCane, he is already divorced from his wife not from the previous affair with mine, but another one he had after that one was exposed. he is currently living in a friends house, also a member of this organization and he cannot afford to get his own place. I am sure the members of that house are already aware of the affair and probably supportive, because when their own son was having one they closed ranks to protect him.
So if she leaves and goes to him that already full house would have to make room for her. I can expose to his kids, but not sure how to do that properly. His ex won't care she is engaged to a new man herself and left him way behind.
She is not a member, me and him are. The can't leave is because of responsibility I feel to the community because of the position I hold with in it Whatever happened about your membership of this organisation that you could not resign from? I am still a member at this time, my wife and I have discussed what my current commitment to it is and what it will be in the future with the understanding our marriage comes first. We do regular checkpoints on my membership there and have agreed I will resign at any moment either of feels our relationship is at risk over it. Surprisingly the organization has been very supportive of us rebuilding our marriage and ensuring we are protected.
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Sir,
Since the affair partner lives near your wife's work you will need to move far away. We have had significant discussions on this topic and currently we are not in a financial position to move at this time, we have put a plan in place to be able to move in the future. In the meantime extraordinary care precautions have been agreed to and are being followed. How far in the future? This is an important part of recovery sir.
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How far in the future?
This is an important part of recovery sir. Probably not fast enough by the standards here, it can be as quickly as this time next year, but more likely 2 to 3 years with the financial plan we have put together. We have a common goal (to stabilize our finances and move) that we both enthusiastically agree to and are focused on achieving, I feel that is also a significant step in out recovery
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Thanks SugarCane, he is already divorced from his wife not from the previous affair with mine, but another one he had after that one was exposed. he is currently living in a friends house, also a member of this organization and he cannot afford to get his own place. I am sure the members of that house are already aware of the affair and probably supportive, because when their own son was having one they closed ranks to protect him.
So if she leaves and goes to him that already full house would have to make room for her. I can expose to his kids, but not sure how to do that properly. His ex won't care she is engaged to a new man herself and left him way behind.
She is not a member, me and him are. The can't leave is because of responsibility I feel to the community because of the position I hold with in it Whatever happened about your membership of this organisation that you could not resign from? I am still a member at this time, my wife and I have discussed what my current commitment to it is and what it will be in the future with the understanding our marriage comes first. We do regular checkpoints on my membership there and have agreed I will resign at any moment either of feels our relationship is at risk over it. I am very confused about how this mitigates the damage from keeping the OM in your life? What does "regular checkpoints on my membership" actually mean in RealTalk? I don't think that you and your wife are very good judges of what constitutes risk because we all see you taking very needless risks with your marriage. In order to recover from an affair, no contact with the OM must be achieved for life. Every time either of you sees him, puts you both back to day 1 of recovery. Her feelings will be perpetually triggered every time she sees him, his car, his home. It is like an alcoholic who stays in the bar all day and has the occasional drink. Eventually he just goes on a binge. This is how on again, off again affairs occur. If your wife works close to the OM's home, then your marriage is at risk. If you are in an organization with the OM, that keeps you in some type of contact. Ending all contact with the affair partner is STEP ONE in recovery. Step one has to be achieved before you can go onto next steps because otherwise this will all be a waste of time.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It seems like you believe you can recover without really making any changes. Please do not make the mistake of believing you will be "different" and get away with this. I have been here for 14 years and know you are headed for disaster.
Half measures will avail you nothing, I assure you. Take that from the queen of corner cutting.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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How far in the future?
This is an important part of recovery sir. Probably not fast enough by the standards here, it can be as quickly as this time next year, but more likely 2 to 3 years with the financial plan we have put together. We have a common goal (to stabilize our finances and move) that we both enthusiastically agree to and are focused on achieving, I feel that is also a significant step in out recovery There was a recent poster in this forum that returned after an Absence. He never moved and his wayward wife resumed the affair. Upon his return, he confessed regret at not following Dr. Harleys methods and said he didnt have the strength to deal with the affair again and was filing for divorce.
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I am still a member at this time, my wife and I have discussed what my current commitment to it is and what it will be in the future with the understanding our marriage comes first. We do regular checkpoints on my membership there and have agreed I will resign at any moment either of feels our relationship is at risk over it.
Surprisingly the organization has been very supportive of us rebuilding our marriage and ensuring we are protected. When was the last time you had any form of contact with OM? When was the last time your wife did (including seeing him in the neighbourhood)?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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We have had significant discussions on this topic and currently we are not in a financial position to move at this time, we have put a plan in place to be able to move in the future. In the meantime extraordinary care precautions have been agreed to and are being followed. When was the last time your wife caught so much as a glimpse of him?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Phoenix,
Correct me if I am wrong but isn't this the second affair your WW had with the same OM???
I can't gage how deeply addicted your WW is to this OM, but it sounds like it's a powerful attachment. Does your WW post here?
Was the OM exposed at the organization you are both a part of?
Gamma
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My wife previously had an affair and if I had found this site back then I may not in this situation again, because after reading as much as I could here I see many mistakes I made. Mostly in regards to being controlling and demanding. I think that your finding this site this time has not made a difference. You are still avoiding facing up to the reality of this affair, and what it would take to end it. The fact that is is the same OM from 2011 has been missed in the volume of posts. In fact, it is highly likely that the affair never ended in 2011, and what you found in 2014 was simply evidence of its continuing. I don't think you have the slightest idea of what you are up against with a WW who has had a long-term affair, has fallen in love, has contemplated leaving you for this man and who still has easy access to him. The probability is that this affair hasn't ended even today, and your wife and OM are in regular contact, and are regularly having sex. Your children are nearly all off your hands, and it is likely that your wife has been staying in the marriage because she does not want to leave while her youngest is still in school. But this man is now divorced and thus free, and the likelihood is that she is waiting for that child to get a bit older, and then she can leave you for OM. What do you really know about the ending of the 2011 affair? What made you think it had ended at the time? Apart from your wife telling you she wouldn't see OM any more, what steps were taking to make contact impossible? It sounds as if you did not move then, and you maintained your membership of this organisation - so all you had to go on was her word. How were you "controlling and demanding" after you discovered that affair, and how do you see that as a mistake? It seems to me as if you were not controlling or demanding enough, since you were unable to bring about any changes that meant your wife ending contact with OM. Please describe what you mean about being "controlling and demanding". And now today, you are still making mistakes about ending the affair, despite having found this site. It seems that you refuse to follow Dr Harley's advice for ending an affair, and you are choosing to take your own path, which means allowing your wife to work in close proximity to OM's home, and remaining in the organisation that you "cannot leave" (which is nonsense, in a free country). You are prioritising other things over saving your marriage, such as keeping your child in the local school, not suffering a financial loss on the house price, and fulfilling your obligation to some organisation. What about your obligation to protect your children from divorce? You are not facing up to the fact that this affair never ended in 2011, your wife is in love with OM and she is waiting for your youngest child to get a bit older so that she can leave you. If you don't move away, leave the organisation and ensure NC right now, it will be too late by the time you do decide you can move. By then, your wife will have decided that she has been a good wife and mother for long enough, and now it is her time to find happiness - and she will leave you for OM.
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
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Thanks SugarCane, he is already divorced from his wife not from the previous affair with mine, but another one he had after that one was exposed. he is currently living in a friends house, also a member of this organization and he cannot afford to get his own place. I am sure the members of that house are already aware of the affair and probably supportive, because when their own son was having one they closed ranks to protect him.
So if she leaves and goes to him that already full house would have to make room for her. I can expose to his kids, but not sure how to do that properly. His ex won't care she is engaged to a new man herself and left him way behind.
She is not a member, me and him are. The can't leave is because of responsibility I feel to the community because of the position I hold with in it Whatever happened about your membership of this organisation that you could not resign from? I am still a member at this time, my wife and I have discussed what my current commitment to it is and what it will be in the future with the understanding our marriage comes first. We do regular checkpoints on my membership there and have agreed I will resign at any moment either of feels our relationship is at risk over it. What in the world? You were already TOLD that the conditions that allowed this affair to carry on all this time MUST BE changed. You were called out on your lack of seriousness in responding to posters on this topic (resumption/continuation of affair from 2011) and that a move would be necessary. You acknowledged it here. A resumption of A#1 takes the serial cheater status off the table, which is a good thing because serial cheaters are much harder to recover with. BUT, it also means that this A is extremely entrenched. These are AP's who have been together now off and on for years, and are likely *in love.* Do you get that? Do you understand you are not just fighting against some fling?
You failed at breaking up this A and protecting your wife and family from its resumption the first time. Do NOT make the same mistake twice. This time your wife will LEAVE YOU for him. Do you understand the seriousness of this? I don't get the feeling that you do, based on the fact that you are still talking about your involvement WITH the OM in some organization. Is this organization and your community reputation worth giving up your WIFE and FAMILY for???
You need to stop being 'busy' and start making killing this A once and for all priority #1. Trust me I understand the seriousness of the situation and how entrenched he is I saw the way she acted after she ended it last week and then the way she acted when contact resumed. The mourning seemed more severe than when her dad died and was borderline depression, or may actually have been for all I know. I cannot emphasize nothing is more important than the wife and family and will resign from the organization, sell the house and move if needed. That doesn't need to be questioned anymore.
What is going on here? You leave out the fact that you changed your mind on STEP 1 (NC and removal of conditions that allowed affair to happen/LTA to continue) and then SPIN us a new version of your non-MB recovery plan, pretending this hasn't already been addressed? I don't appreciate this. If you don't want to follow MB, you should be fair to posters and not bury this type of vital information and basically pull a bait and switch on us. Not cool.
Last edited by SusieQ; 05/10/15 11:28 AM.
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To put an end to organization comments, I cannot leave right now but will if he won't after the exposure and she commits to work on the marriage. So I will leave that wreckage when it is time to save the marriage. Otherwise if she leaves the marriage I will stay. We hammered you about this but you said this to get us off your back...
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Back in January: Not only is it is really rude to not answer when posters have taken the time to help you, but you are only hurting yourself. You have some of the best MB posters helping you. Take advantage of it. Don't cherry pick the advice you want to follow - that will only BACKFIRE on you.
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