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I don't think you need her permission to snoop.

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Originally Posted by indiegirl
I simply dont understand why a WS who had a Facebook/social media affair still HAS any social media?

Eliminate the conditions which led to the A. The site itself is a trigger for her!

There was a zero chance that I would even have considered thinking about R while still having ANY type of social media. We both dropped all social media. I don't miss it a bit.








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Originally Posted by Lexxxy
Phoenix --

Sadly, you are vastly underestimating the POWER of her addiction.
And you are leaving in place the opportunity for the affair to rekindle....so easily.

I was a WW. 15 years ago. And even now....10+ years after my last contact with OM, it still CROSSES MY MIND that I could contact him to "see how he's doing". My OM lives across the country.

Imagine if I had to drive by his neighborhood... Or drive by a place where we had lunch... Or by somewhere special to "us".... How much more frequently I would be reminded of him.
And how much easier it would be for me to find him in a moment of weakness.

That is how easy it would be for her affair to start up all over again.

She might be behaving now. But what about 3 months from now?
What about a year from now, when you have both slipped back into old habits? Why won't you take her away from those triggers?

Why aren't you willing to take the extraordinary steps?
It seems like a lack of care on your part. Aren't you "all in"?

I thought I was all in, but I finding out there is more work to be done.

As a former WW were you able to be very loving and caring to your BS while involved in the affair?

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FB? What?!

More cherry picking apparently. Sigh. You were told that needed to go:

Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by ThePhoenix
Now what I need to guard against is if this a ruse to make me think she is working on things. I guess actions over the next few days and weeks will let me know if it is a real effort or going through the motions.

What matters are actions. He should not be able to get ahold of her because she should be changing all of her contact information and sending him a no contact letter. How far away does this guy live? Here is the checklist and I will post the no contact letter in the next post:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
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Originally Posted by ThePhoenix
As a former WW were you able to be very loving and caring to your BS while involved in the affair?

Yes, waywards can act very devoted and involved in recovery process in order to get the BS to back down and not implement ironclad EPs. We see that all the time.

Even if the affair is over and her attitude is sincere, that is NO EXCUSE to not get away from the OM and implement serious EPs - not your own washed down version of them.



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You still have FB? doh2


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Originally Posted by ThePhoenix
As a former WW were you able to be very loving and caring to your BS while involved in the affair?
This post is attempting to deflect attention from the issue of EPs - the way you have successfully steered this thread away from EPs a few times in the past.

You're looking for a way out, with that question to Lexxy. You're hoping to find evidence that a WW cannot be loving and caring to two men at the same time, so that you may conclude that, since yours if being loving and caring to you, she can't still be in the affair.

That is not the way to find out the truth, and it's not the way to make the affair impossible. The way to end the affair and remove any chance of its continuing is to take EPs, including moving far away from where you live now, and giving up membership of that organisation.

Stop trying to deflect from STEP ONE. You are not doing yourself or your marriage any good by pretending that the affair is not continuing.


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Originally Posted by ThePhoenix
Originally Posted by NebDane
You said earlier, she gave you full access to all devices and social media. Therefore, she should have no objections installing a Keylogger on all devices, a GPS app on her phone, a tracking app for all messages on her phone, etc.
If she balks the slightest, then RED FLAG!

This is what is meant by technical accountability, you put warning measures in place to ensure she does not break NO CONTACT.

OK that explains technical accountability, thanks. Considering we are 5 months into this process how do I approach her to say I now what to do this, when it probably should have been done much earlier on. I think even if I wasn't doing anything wrong and this request suddenly came up I would perceive as an accusation of doing something wrong.

Do I take out the surviving an affair list and say we should review this and then point to this as an uncompleted item. Or is there a better way to approach the topic.

Ok. Obviously, your wife should NEVER KNOW abotu your snooping devices. If you tell her you have a keylogger on her computer what will a WS do? WORK AROUND IT! Your resource will be rendered useless.

Do not tell her or ask her about snoopng devices.

But do ask her to eliminate all social media and follow the checklist. ALSO, ask her if she will move to another town/state with you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by NebDane
You said earlier, she gave you full access to all devices and social media. Therefore, she should have no objections installing a Keylogger on all devices, a GPS app on her phone, a tracking app for all messages on her phone, etc.
If she balks the slightest, then RED FLAG!

She should never be given the chance to balk because she should NEVER know about it. A snooping device is rendered useless if a spouse knows about it. To snoop means to spy in ways they cannot detect. No reason to use a GPS or a keylogger if the spouse knows about it.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Dr. Harley says ALL avenues that the WS used to facilitate the affair must be changed and/or stopped. And Facebook was on of these avenues that she used, correct? Hence EPs.

So why is she still using Facebook?


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Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Just a brief update

Snooping has comfirmed no contact with POSOM

FB has been shut down

We have started looking at new houses in next county. Meeting with an agent tomorrow to look at a property we like

Found out during our date on Sunday she has already contacted 2 places about getting a new job, one is very close to the area we are looking at moving to and they are very interested in hiring her

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Phoenix,

Can you please summarize what exposure has been done.

Where OM is now. Do you still see OM?

Your WW has a history of placating you to get what she wants are you going to get a polygraph?

Gamma

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Originally Posted by Gamma
Phoenix,

Can you please summarize what exposure has been done.

Where OM is now. Do you still see OM?

Your WW has a history of placating you to get what she wants are you going to get a polygraph?

Gamma

Exposure can simply be summed up as, everyone in our lives is aware of what happened. Thats all friends and family including all the people we had in common with OM. On his side I exposed to all his family and the friends that I knew to be in his social circle.

OM still lives in same town which is why we are now house hunting to get out of the area. Its been awhile since my path has crossed with OM, when we go out we head to the area we are looking to move to.

I can't say I agree with your assement of her having a history of placating me to get what she wants, she used to fight me pretty hard about moving and changing jobs and other things.

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