Hi Prisca,

thanks for your reply.

Sorry, I am just going through a bad phase. I am trying to stay away from medication as I don't want to turn into a zombie as my kids need a positive and upbeat father at this difficult time. I have ups and downs but the day I wrote that post was a down day unfortunately. I feel better today, thank God.

I have seen my wife a couple of times since my last post, one of which was at a recent sports day for my eldest daughter. I walked into the park and stood looking for my daughter. I found her and waved across. She acknowledged me and then my youngest daughter who was there (with my WW) came up to me with hugs and kisses. My WW was quite cold at first but we hung out for an hour or two. I was my funny, happy self and we have a few laughs. She asked me to stop taking her for every penny. Funny that since she was the one who initiated the divorce proceedings. I laughed it off and said leave it to the Lawyers to sort out. She wasn't impressed but I laughed in anyway.

At first she went and got herself a coffee and wasn't too concerned about me not even asking but later when she wanted a cigarette I gave her one and when she returned she asked if I would like a coffee. I said that would be very nice and we spent the next hour chatting about the children and life etc.

She just seems more focussed on her individual lifestyle and when I can help her out with the kids to suit her rather than our marriage albeit imploding.

I have just had a serious operation a couple of weeks ago on my hand and this was the 1st time she asked how my hand was despite seeing me in a sling, bandage etc. a few times before. She seemed very interested in when I would be returning to work as this is going to affect my settlement I presume.

I seen her yesterday when she asked to come and visit my eldest daughter at my home (children with me last weekend gone) and she called and asked if she could visit my eldest who wasn't feeling very well. I said that was fine. She didn't want to speak with me and I was a little stand offish with her but said her hair was nice as it had just been cut. She ignored the comment and said goodbye. I felt terrible and do every time I see her but I remain in Plan A.

She is off to see a family mediator this morning to as we need to try and sort out the arrangements for the children which she doesn't agree with (shared care 50/50). The mediator told me last week that she believes that she is demonstrating sever guilt syndrome as everything that I do with the children highlights her inability to cope and makes her feel bad. Hence she is angry with me because I can function and she is struggling.

The POSOM is still involved with her business but I am waiting for my financial settlement before I go after him again. I have yet to hear back from the Police regarding my compliant and chat with a senior officer over 4 weeks ago. I will be complaining about his lack of action later this week.

I remain focussed and positive despite the difficulties.

I would be grateful of any suggestions that could be made to help me along the way.

Thanks as ever everyone at MB.

DD.

AD's should help numb you a bit so that you can be patient. If you become a zombie then it's not the right one for you.

Laughing at your wife's complaints about money could be considered disrespectful. Humor can be a double edged sword.

Maybe you can prepare a better response for next time which could be more Plan A suitable. That way you won't be caught off guard again.

Good job on complementing her hair. Ignore the negativity from her.

There is a fine line between getting a read on her and being judgmental. Learn about that line and pay attention to it.

She sounds like she's having the typical responses to Plan A. Selfish initially but you're priming the pump for later on. You're doing well.

I felt the same way about ADs and regret not doing them now. I held it together, but I had more severe ups and downs than those posters who take them. They tend to sound a lot clearer and level on ADs. Plan A is a lot harder than Plan B - but it's the plan men have to follow ti get their wives back. If you're going to do it, go equipped. Get ADs

She's going to jerk you all over the place. A leveller can only help.

Hi, I'm struggling with plan A a little and would appreciate a few pointers. My ww doesn't want to communicate with me at all rather using the kids to pass messages me. I am going to a family mediation meeting later this week but very conscious that everything I ask for will be full of love busters. She tries to control my time with the children by making arrangements for activities for the children without consulting me first. She then makes plans for time with the children while showing me disrespect at every turn it is frustrating me enormously. How can I get her to chat me with about the kids without love busting?It appears that she just wants to blank me out of her life in total. Can anyone explain why?

She says that she will never forgive me for exposing the affair or "the good friendship" with this POSOM as she describes it ". She still denies the affair to everyone and carries on regardless of my feelings.

Thanks as ever.

DD.

DD, much of this is out of your control, but I am confused about the above comment. What do you mean by this comment? Are you familiar what a love buster IS?

Hi Mel,

At mediation I will be telling her that her behavior towards me as regards the children is unacceptable as above. She shouldn't be using the kids to relay messages and ask me before making any arrangements as this puts a lot of pressure on my kids making them unhappy go betweens.

I am negotiating a shared care 50.50 arrangement with her at t this mediation session. She doesn't want this as it affects her divorce settlement and the dream of the house in the country and the perfect life without me will be dashed. I will have to be stern and direct and she won't like that at all. Hence it will deplete the love bank further.

What do you think?

Thanks,

DD.

I wouldn't practice any love busters. For example, don't tell her that her behavior is "unacceptable," just say that it is upsetting to the kids to be used as go betweens. Suggest that she communicate with you via email or directly.


This is one of the reasons that Dr Harley does not recommend mediation. It hurts your relationship and is typically ineffective. However, you can do this by respectfully and directly stating your case.

Is there a reason your lawyers can't negotiate this? It is much better to have your lawyer be the bad guy than you.

Hi Mel,

She won't allow me shared care so I have to go to mediation before court. It's the law here. I have no choice. I will use your words and thanks.

Is it not a sign that the marriage is over for good when the ww doesn't want to even text or communicate with you even about your kids. I am deeply hurt by her lack of compassion for the welfare of my children and wanting to involve them in what effectively is nothing to do with them. She is still making selfish demands and sulking when she doesn't get her way. She is alway shouting at the children (they tell me). I have told them their Mam is unhappy with me but my eldest daughter says it is Mam's own fault. She created the situation. She is only 11 but very clever and sees the hurt and pain caused by the marriage breakup. My ww is noticibly really angry with me as things aren't going her way. Meanwhile I get out and on with life in a happy cheery way as best I can.

Thanks,

DD.

I wouldn't assume any such thing when dealing with a wayward person. It is about like dealing with a falling down drunk. They feel one way today and another tomorrow.

It's a sign that the marriage is over for good when the husband picks and chooses which parts of the plan he will follow.

For example, we advised you to see your doctor about getting antidepressants prescribed. It is very clear to us that you need them. Have you done this, or are you still trying to stay away from medication?

Another sign that the marriage is over is when the husband just journals or blogs the day to day events but doesn't follow the recovery plan.

If someone who is not in an affair were to behave like this, it would be alarming. However for someone in an affair it is very typical, textbook and not at all permanent. It will last as long as the affair does, then vanish.

You are taking the actions of a drunk too seriously. You are listening to what she says and thinks as though you think she still has a brain.

She doesn't. She's high as a kite on an affair. Your kids know this, why don't you?

Getting verbal abuse constantly is hard on the soul. If you are close to lovebusting her back you need ADs or you need to cease contact. However I think you could carry on with what appears to be a very successful Plan A if you stopped listening to her and got some chemical help short term.

Thanks everyone for your replies.

I am a naturally anxious person unfortunately and this affair increases my anxiety even more at times.

I just have ups and downs but remain positive throughout this arduous process and try to plan a as effectively as I can.

I understand that this person, my wife, is on another planet (Thanks Melody) so I must remain strong regardless form my children.

I am taking on board everyone's suggestion of ADs but I don't feel depressed. I'm just up a height and frustrated at times and I suppose this isn't a bad place to vent and be advised. Thanks you all.

I have asked my WW to attend a dinner with me and the kids on Friday night to celebrate my eldest's exam results and she has agreed which is positive.

She wants me to have additional time with the children as she need to be away for two days relating to her business and I have agreed. Grasping every opportunity to make love bank deposits and focussing on this 100%.

We have a few texts back and forward but mainly about business but I will try to developed these into talking about our relationship after we meet to mediate on Thursday afternoon. I am going to see if she will have lunch with me after that.

Thanks,

DD.

Do not talk about your relationship. Just try to get her to laugh and have fun. That is all it takes. People don't fall in love by talking about relationships.

It's an option if you start finding it difficult to function. I did OK without them, but in hindsight I just gave myself more bad days than necessary. Plan A is also a much, much rougher road than my own route - Plan B, so keep a caring eye on yourself.

Hi All,

went to the mediation session for care of our children and it was a bit of a disaster today. I had to bring up the affair and got quite angry. I tried to contain it but it came out. I didn't shout or raise my voice but I did point out to my wife that it was the affair with this posom that caused the breakdown of our marriage. I told her that I told the children about the affair to protect them from her affair partner as he had assaulted my wife and i didn't want him to come into contact with my children putting them at risk. I was angry that my wife denied being hit as I have full evidence but she didn't deny the affair nor did she acknowledge it either. She doesn't want me to have my children equal time as she knows this will affect her financial settlement going forward and also she is obliged by law to attend before court.

We had a nice day yesterday as my eldest daughter got exam results and my wife invited me back to meet with the kids for a coffee to her shop. She went about her business and never really spoke with me until I was leaving. I texted her to thank her last night but she didn't respond. Again today I thanked her for this kind gesture even though she didn't want to sit and chat with us.

She left the mediation session with not as much as a goodbye. I'm slightly despondent but this is a process I'm working through thanks to you all for your support.

I texted her after the mediation thanking her for coming to the meeting and wished her well for the rest of her day. Again no response.

When I did mention the posom, her eyes filled up and she cried. Tears of lament for what is her dying affair I think.


She shows moments of coming closer (bear in mind we haven't communicated for a long time) but pulls away. She said she felt threatened by me being at her business premises and I told her that she had nothing to fear from me. I wouldn't accept when asked by the mediator if the marriage was over.

Afterwards I privately admitted to the mediator that I still loved my wife and would like to recover my marriage at all costs. She thought it was a very honourable thing but unlikely to succeed. She would say that people like her make money off people like me and my wife.

She has agreed now to communicate better as regards the children only via text and I have to accept this for now.

I think she is monitoring my Facebook page so I post lots of activities and stuff with my children.

I might ask her if she would like to have a picnic with us this weekend and see what happens.

Any other suggestions for making love deposits from afar are welcome.

Thanks again.

DD.

I would just like to point out that mediators aren't in the business of saving marriages. Why would they be collecting data on marriages that were saved? The answer is they don't. Their job is to facilitate divorce, and so that's what they see time and time again.

The mediator (a young guy in his 30s) in my case told me that I should take the case to court (more money for his lawyer buddy representing my ex) contrary to Dr. Harley's advice to me because once the divorce was final, my ex's relationship would become a "real relationship," and the statistics on affairs would no longer apply. That did not make sense to me, so I asked Dr. Harley, the real expert, and he said that was incorrect. The statistics still apply. Affairs don't magically become real relationships.

But I digress. What I'm trying to say is ignore the mediator. She's not an expert in saving marriages.

Also, I think you're doing great with your text messages and ideas about inviting her on picnics.

Have you read the Art of War thread?

Do you realize that anxiety is a form of mood disorder? It is the "up" part of a fluctuation as opposed to the down of depression. The "up"part doesn't always feel like excitement, it comes out as anxiety.

You need meds or at the very least to practice the GSR machine to learn to calm yourself or you will blow any shot of recovery. You are still in denial about this.

Next- Make sure that you listen religiously to the radio show. You will blow chances to recover if you can't recognize your annoying habits/lovebusters.

Anxiety in a man is a HUGE lovebuster for a wife. It tends to come out as judgement or controlling behavior. Even if you recognize it in yourself, you won't be able to control it if your mood is not regulated. And if you already tend toward anxiety, adding this affair to the mix, you don't have a lot of hope for controlling your mood without meds or some other form of intervention.

What are your thoughts about this?

Hi Didntquit,

I appreciate your input and understand where you are coming from. I am not in denial about anything. I am unfortunately a naturally anxious person (a family trait I'm afraid) but I have developed very good techniques through behavioural therapy over the last few years which helps me cope with my anxiety. I rarely display this anxiety and can shield it well from everyone around me. On the outside most of my close friends don't know I'm anxious, most would say I am a confident, intelligent and positive individual.

My wife knows I am anxious as I have been truthful to her from the day we met and fell in love. She now tries to use this against me as her lawyer is aware of this but paid me a big compliment and told her lawyer that I was one of the most intelligent people she has ever met.

I suffered an unfortunate bereavement of my Mother when I was 22 and this brought on a bout of depression which lasted about 4 years, albeit 5 years after her death. I tried the AD drugs and trust me they didn't work. I chose to fight this depression myself and in between all of this I built my own home, a holiday home, changed jobs and had two children with my WW. This strength came from within my own mind and body with the help of God's guidance and love with good friends and family in full support!

I can relax quite well, rarely raise my voice or lose my temper and sleep very soundly at night. Overall my conscience is clear.

Unfortunately yesterday the discussion led into the affair and it seems my wife is still very much in sporadic contact with this POSOM as he is her accountant. I attended a school event last night with my children and my WW was whatsapping this guy with I'm sure the tales of what went on at the mediation session yesterday. I believe that she is holding out for our divorce and believes she will become a more attractive proposition for this guy after this sorry event is concluded.

I have heard back from the Police last night too with good news and they have decided that the Harassment Police information notice issued against me will be withdrawn if I withdraw my complaint against the Police. I have agreed and my record will be expunged immediately. I await written confirmation of this conversation with a senior officer.

This will leave me free now to expose this POSOM to his respective governing body but I will wait until my financial settlement is through as I would like to secure my children's and my own financial future before embarking on the next stage of this crusade. I know many will say that I should expose him further but this will enrage my WW and she will be less reluctant to settle the arrangements surrounding the care of my children. Whilst I could live without my WW, it would be impossible for me to live without contact with my children.

I am interested as to what others think here.

I gave her two photos last night of our two cheeky daughters which she will find funny and hopefully make her think about our family more and what she is giving up.

She said to me last night that I shouldn't mention the affair during future mediation sessions but I ignored these comments and if she raises it I will acknowledge the affair as usual.

She denied again yesterday that this man assaulted her but started to cry when his name was mentioned.

I remain strongly in Plan A but hopefully God will give further strength to continue.

Thanks again for all your comments and advice.

DD.