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My wife and I have been together for about 12 years and married for 10. We are both on our second marriages and we each have kids from our previous marriages and one young child that we share. After the child that we had together was born we had a talk about birth control since neither of us wanted any more children. We had a friend who had gotten her tubes tied and, after several years went on the have 3 more kids. She claims it was a miracle and perhaps it was, but neither my wife nor I wanted another miracle. So we both decided that I should get a vasectomy. So I had the vasectomy a few months later and that was the end of it. About 3 years pass and I got a nasty kidney infection. I was running a 102 fever and I was a mess. I went to see my doc. They did some standard tests and said all was normal and an antibiotic would knock it out. The next day I'm laying in bed and my wife comes in crying her eyes out. She told me that she was sorry she made me sick and she didn't know why she did the things that she had done. I asked her what could she have possibly done to have caused this, but she just kept crying and wouldn't answer my question. I just figured she was nuts and forgot about it. A year after that passes and she tells me she wants her tubes tied. So I ask her why. What reason could she have for getting her tubes tied when I already had the operation? She said she wanted it done just in case my operation failed. She said it would just be like extra protection. I told her she was nuts. We average intimacy about 2 times a week. Times that by 52 weeks and 4 years. So we had sex over 400 times without incident and she's telling me she wants her tubes tied in case my operation failed. She wouldn't let up about it. We fought for over a month. Then we got a chance to move to Florida. We were living in Massachusetts when she wanted the operation, but we are originally from Rhode Island. So we move to Florida. We were there 5 months and we decided to move back to Rhode Island. About a month before we moved she started arguing with me again about getting her tubes tied. I got angry and she stopped asking for the surgery. One day while back up North I walked up behind her when she was on the computer and she didn't hear me. When she noticed me she jumped 5 feet in the air and looked like she was having a panic attack. She was reading an email from a guy. She quickly shut it down and said it was nothing, but she was all red and sweating. A month after that she starts complaining that her period has been getting really bad and the bleeding was heavy. She had never mentioned that to me before. So she goes to see her doc and the doc puts an IUD (birth control that lasts 5 years) in her. You should have seen her after it was put in. It was like someone put her on Prozac. She was off the wall happy. Singing all the time, etc. She finally had gotten the birth control that she wanted. Then other behaviors started changing. I used to give her hickies when love making. Not the big nasty ones that you see on people's necks, but little ones. I had been doing this for years. Not every time we fooled around, but every couple of months or so. So one day I gave her one and she got upset. She told me that people could see it, but there was no way anyone could see it unless she was topless. Then a month goes by and I did it again. This time she flipped out and swore at me. She said that I marked her like a "bleep" dog. She said I was marking my territory like she was a piece of meat. I was stunned. I didn't know what to say. Now that I look back on it, the hickies must have upset the guy she was seeing. No man likes to see evidence of another man while "making love." The next thing that started to change was that our sex life became a series of quickies. We no longer did the same things and everything felt rushed. She also stopped having orgasms with me. When I tried talking to her about this she said it wasn't me, it was just something she was going through. As time passed she started becoming secretive. She positioned the computer so that nobody could walk up behind her. She started sleeping with her cell phone under her pillow. I told her that it was going to start a fire so she got a better cell phone and put a lock on it so no one could look at it. She used to lock herself in the bathroom and text on the phone. I could hear her acrylic nails tapping on the phone so I knew what she was doing.

I could go on and on, but I feel like I'm writing a novel. I don't spy on her. I don't have any spy programs on her phone or her computer. She's sloppy about hiding the affair. Maybe she doesn't if it hurts me. I don't know.

So, to make a very long story a little shorter... We ended up moving back to Florida. We were there 3 years. While in Florida little things that caused red flags with me continued to happen. After 3 years in Florida she wants to move back to be near her parents. I said that was fine, but I didn't want to live in the same city that we had left from. I didn't say it was because she cheated there only that I didn't want to live there. So she finds a rental online and gets her Dad to pay the security so we could move home. The house she rented is within a block of where we lived before. I specifically told her I didn't want to move back here. She claimed it's all she could find. So in the whole state, she could only find one suitable rental. She had claimed she wanted to move back here to be near her parents, but she moved us far from them. It's not really far, but far enough that they don't visit us.

About a month and a half ago she bought a bottle of wine. She's not a drinker and it doesn't take much to get her drunk. She drank almost the whole bottle of wine. She was bombed. She told me she was going out to walk the dog so I figured I had better go with her. We had just started walking when she stops in front of a house 5 houses down from and points at it. She tells me that she had been in that house before, but it was nobody that I knew. So I asked her for what. She told me she used to go there for sex. Then she started telling me details. I was stunned. I told her to shut up I didn't want to hear anymore. Then she continued to walk the dog like nothing happened. She got home and threw up all the wine. I cleaned the mess and put her to bed. I didn't tell her about the incident until 2 weeks later. I wasn't sure how I wanted to say it. She told me that she was drunk and didn't remember the conversation. Then she told me that she likes to make up stories when she's drunk and that it never really happened. Later she told me that it was probably me making the whole thing up. In that house there is an older model red pick up. I remember that at her old job there was a maintenance guy with an older model red pick up. I drove by where she worked a couple times and the truck was never there, but this was 4 years ago and perhaps he just changed jobs. I'd like to tell the guy's wife what had happened, but I'm not sure. What if it really was the wine talking?

I believe that my wife has cheated on me for at least the last 6 years of our 10 year marriage. Since this was in 3 different states I'm sure it was with several different men. I've confronted her many times about this. She uses the word trust as if it's a defense. She tells me she can't believe I don't trust her and she doesn't know who I am anymore.

I don't know why I'm writing this here. Perhaps it's just to vent. I see lots of posts by people who were cheated on and they are doing their best to fix things and get over it. I don't know if I really want to. Last night I laid in bed next to my wife and watched her sleep. I love my wife, but I no longer see her as "my" wife. The most precious gift two people can give to each other she gave away to others. How do I forgive that? Why should I forgive that? I just don't know.

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I know how you are feeling. My husband has done this to me as well. He just recently told me He wants to leave and move out. He is seeing his boss and has been talking to her behind my back. I finally made him give me his password to his phone so I can see what is being said. He has been telling her that he loves her and wants to hold her. I have Ben unhappy for year about his unfaithfulness and reading these is making it easier for me to let him go and move on. I don't want to hurt anymore and I don't want to try and make things work anymore either. I would really just be waiting for the next affair to happen. We have been together for 18 year's and have four kids together. I think you should walk away. Your wife doesn't seem to want to work anything out with you. She can't even respect you enough to tell the truth. She is just hurting you and your marriage by lying. I wish you luck.

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Serial cheating can be recovered, but you would have to spend every minute together.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Thank you both for responding. I asked my wife for the password on her phone once. She ran in the bathroom and slammed and locked the door. Then she came out 20 minutes later and handed me the unlocked phone. She told me to see for myself that there was nothing on it. I wasn't born yesterday and sometimes I feel like her lies insult my intelligence.

I was working third shift when I met my wife and I worked that shift most of my marriage. It was convenient because I was used to it and with her working first, there was always someone home for the kids. At the time of the affair my wife had a job where she could come and go as she pleased. She ended up losing that job. I had gotten a great offer for a daytime job and I was able to work out daycare for my kid. So I took the job thinking this was the first time we had both worked the same shift. A month after I started on days she told me she was going to quit her day job for a second shift job. This way she would have an empty house all day while the kids were at school and she'd be able to sleep at night. I told her I'd leave if she did. She got angry. She still quit her job though, but she took one where she worked weekends and had a couple weekdays off alone. Her newest thing is going to school to get her hairdressing license. She planning on doing it part time in client's houses. Perfect job for a cheater. She's got a reason to go from one house to another and it's an all cash business so there's no record to prove she wasn't actually their to work. I don't feel like this behavior will ever end.

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Hi Unsure, this is a solution oriented forum. Are you looking for solutions?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I'm sorry that you are going through this. Is your wife interested in making your marriage work? I know this sight is supposed to help build broken marriages, but sometimes They are just too broken. Like mine. If she isn't willing to let you in and be honest about her feelings or won't try to work on your marriage then I suggest you focuse on your happiness.

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I'm not sure what kind of solution I'm looking for. It would be great if I could work things out, but I don't know if I can. It seems like everything she does is geared towards cheating. If I wanted to live my life as a spy I would have joined the C.I.A.

Thanks for commenting on my post mmilner. I'm sorry that you are in a similar boat. I don't think my wife will ever be honest with me. Sometimes it gets to the point that a person has been told so many lies that they can't separate lies from the truth.

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You can recover but you have to decide if a) there are logical reasons to save the marriage and b) if you want to hold her accountable full time.


Last edited by indiegirl; 01/29/15 07:05 AM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Hi Indiegirl,

The only logical reason to save my marriage would be because of my son. At least that's the only good reason I can think of. She will never be accountable for anything. She only takes jobs that give her flexibility. She wants to be a hair dresser. Her idea is to go into clients homes to cut their hair. This will give her a lot of flexibility and an excuse for going anywhere at any time. I've been thinking about staying with her for a few years until my kid is older. I'll have a better chance with custody that way.

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What did you need from us? Did you have a question for us?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Please read this. Serial Cheaters


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Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Hi Unsure:

Sorry for your pain, I know what you are going through, you are not alone. I am still in the recovery process after discovering my WW letter to the OM telling him "I want to leave my husband for you". I never thought in my entire life I was going to seek some help for infidelity issues.

Listen to the moderators here, is all based on Dr. Harley's approach to restoring and building happy marriages, they know what they are saying.


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Originally Posted by Unsure34606
I'm not sure what kind of solution I'm looking for. It would be great if I could work things out, but I don't know if I can. It seems like everything she does is geared towards cheating. If I wanted to live my life as a spy I would have joined the C.I.A.

Thanks for commenting on my post mmilner. I'm sorry that you are in a similar boat. I don't think my wife will ever be honest with me. Sometimes it gets to the point that a person has been told so many lies that they can't separate lies from the truth.


There have been others who agreed to give up their secret second life after working the plans. Why not try them if you're going to be there a few years anyway?



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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I don't know how to talk to her. I've tried several times and she just denies everything. I can't forgive her if she can't say she's sorry. I feel that she won't say sorry because she's not and her behavior is going to continue. I spend a lot of nights not being able to sleep. Everything that's going on is taking a toll on my health.

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Well, talking to her is a disastrous idea!

What is your goal? Talking to a drunk addict is not going to help with any goal. YOU have to decide what your goal is. You can't ask the drunk to take the wheel!

Is your goal to leave as quickly as possible with custody?
Is it to Plan A her into agreeing a recovery plan?

You can't throw years out of the window like this.

By the time a few years have passed your health will be broken and you won't be a fit parent. You'll also loathe her.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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These are the steps I would take if I were unsure. These keep all options open.

1. Expose the affairs - gets help for her, support for you and protects the BWs she is hurting. This step is ESSENTIAL.
2. Get anti depressants. You need the additional help at this time.
3. See a lawyer and ask for a set of plans that cover all options such as instant separation, staying with continued adultery, separation later on, recovery etc.
4. Snooping. Can't believe you don't do this.
5. Present her with the checklist for recovery as your requirements for staying married. Don't talk to her, just give it to her.
6. Plan A her while contact remains. If you can't, then Plan B.

You can put these wheels in motion without committing to recovery. At any time you can choose to divorce and move on if motivating her fails to effect change.



Last edited by indiegirl; 01/31/15 10:18 AM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by Unsure34606
I don't know how to talk to her. I've tried several times and she just denies everything. I can't forgive her if she can't say she's sorry. I feel that she won't say sorry because she's not and her behavior is going to continue. I spend a lot of nights not being able to sleep. Everything that's going on is taking a toll on my health.

Did you have a question for us?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Indiegirl you've been a lot of help to me. I see the logic that talking to her is pointless. Actually it will make it harder to catch her because she'll try harder to hide her actions. I'm going to start snooping because I need more evidence. She's going to have a lot of alone time for the next 3 months because I started a new job and they will be training me on an off shift. This would be the perfect time for her to cheat. I'm going to post a few questions in the investigation section. The only actual proof I have is her confession when she was drunk. Speaking of which, I've been debating telling the guy's wife based on that confession. She claims it was the liquor talking, but I don't believe her. Do you think I should tell the wife based on her drunk confession without any actual proof? I'd hate to mess up someone's marriage if it wasn't true.

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What more proof can you get aside from confession?!

Do a full exposure using the guidance in MLs signature.

Your wife has been begging to get caught and be held accountable.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Remember that OMW is not going to automatically believe you. However I'll bet you my savings it will explain some strange stuff that has already been puzzling her.

You're just warning her that's all. You don't need jury level proof. You just need to know enough to be convinced yourself (and you certainly do!) Enough to know you need to warn others.

Last edited by indiegirl; 02/01/15 09:20 AM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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