Exposure complete. It took a few days to get to everyone. as expected she is furious, but she did not leave. she will not comply with any of the stipulations on the checklist. She says she will not be controlled, and would rather make plans to leave than do otherwise. She says she will "make an effort" to not see or speak to him again, but that my making demands pushes her away and exposing this has only driven him to contact her more than he was in the last few weeks. She indicated that she had really been making a strong effort to avoid contact with him over the last week before I exposed them, and had all but closed the door, but all of this has re-opened it. She understands that it can never work between them, and she can end it but she needs to end it her way, not mine. For her, total complete and immediate is not the way. She was deeply in love with OM, I know that, and she feels that I am trying to take away her right to be happy (with him or otherwise) so I can create the "image" of a happy family. I am not. I felt cornered and desperate and was trying to salvage an opportunity for us to try to be happy.

I'm not sure what I did that was so terrible and caused her to be so unhappy and stray instead of discuss this with me. I admit I wasn't the most doting husband. I worked a lot towards the end of her pregnancy and shortly thereafter because I knew we'd have less income for a while. I was under stress and pressure being a new and first time father, and I admit I neglected some of her emotional needs. I didn't take care of myself physically as well as I should have and gained weight. I tried to lose it, but her complete shut down to me affectionately made it nearly impossible for me to focus. She had found a replacement for me just two months after our daughter was born, and though I didn't know that at the time, I certainly felt the effects of abandonment. At any rate, I've changed all that in the last month to try and restore the person whom she fell in love with, physically, mentally and emotionally. Physically is the easy part. It's the mental and emotional aspects that I am struggling with.


So, what do I do now? wait and let her recover and decide what to do. I'll be honest, all this spying on her is starting to wear on me greatly, and I'm not sure how productive it is for my own recovery. The only thing it ever reveals are times when she is definitely or likely seeing him. It never really proves to me that she isn't.


EH

I'm glad to hear that the exposures are complete. This is progress, although it might not feel like that to you. I can't remember if you have spoken to OMW. I will read back through the thread in a minute.

Meanwhile - what is your spying revealing? Is she still seeing OM? Where, and under what circumstances? Does she tell you that she is going out with friends?

If you are recoding telephone conversations: do they appear to be fighting, or to be consoling each other?

I don't see any evidence that you have reached OMW - except the policeman OM telling your wife that you ruined his life and career. That is not enough to go on. You need to speak to his wife directly. Did you give her a means of contacting you when you went through Facebook?

Also, you make no mention of your wife's parents and siblings. What have you told them, and what was their reaction?

Is your wife on any medication for her post-natal depression?

Spying reveals to you that your job is not complete. Since you have not spoken tot the OM's wife, he probably denied the affair. This is why you must contact her directly and give her all your evidence. Did you expose to the Om's Facebook contacts? To his family? His friends?

You should keep this up until you have killed the affair. EVERY TIME the OM contacts your wife, you should contact his wife directly and give her the communication. You should also pay him a call and tell him to leave your family alone. If this guy is still contacting your wife after all this, then he is amazingly cocky.

I get the sense you are pencil whipping this exercise and that will result in a failed effort.

yes, I have spoken with OMW directly to confirm receipt of the exposure. she has expressed a desire to not speak to me again, and I will honor that. she knows how to reach me if she wants to.

I have contacted as many family members of OM and OMW as I could find via FB and email. I don't read any responses anymore as some are quite hurtful.

At any rate, I am confident the exposure has been carried out to the best of my ability.

No, she was never on any anti-depressants. She passed all those tests. I have a hard time believing she wasnt, and still isnt, suffering from some sort of depression, but she is very good at suppressing that. Telling her to see a doctor now will have the opposite effect, so I can' do that.

She knows she has done wrong, and to her credit she had over the last few weeks been making an real effort to be more affectionate and family-oriented at least help me cope. I told her I did notice and very much appreciate those efforts, but by far her ending this affair was more important.

What did she say to you? Did she believe your story? Were you able to give her the evidence?


Were you able to reach his parents? And if so, did they respond?


Have her parents and other family members contacted her and asked her to end her affair?

And is the OM coming into your house while you are at work?

You can tell her she needs to make a doctor appt to be tested for STDs. You both should be tested. If POSOM is a serial cheat as you said, then the risk of an STD is even higher. There are very few things a BS can put to rest in his mind early on after Dday...this is one of them. Please get testing scheduled for you and WW ASAP...one less thing to worry about and it will provide an "in" for the doctor to speak to her about anti-depressants. You should get a hard copy of the results sent to you.

This is BS gaslighting. I hope you don't believe this.


Sorry but she is still in love with him. That did not evaporate overnight.


Did you tell WW this ^^^

Yes, I told WW that I exposed them not for vengeance, but because I felt my marriage and my relationship with my daughter was threatened and I was not going to allow that to happen.

UPDATE: WW came to me just a few minutes ago, without my approaching her, and has agreed to comply with the requests on the Exposure checklist!!!

I did not think this would happen so quickly. Not nearly out of the woods yet, but I'm feeling much more confident than I was a day ago.

Once again, thank you all for you continued support to see this through. I will work on getting these things done and continue to move forward.

Be cautious! If it is true, then great news.
Things don't typically move that fast, i would be wary of her trying to get you off her back.

Actions, not words by her. She has to prove it!

Many a betrayed have fallen for the gaslighting.

Great! Lets test her sincerity by asking her to send a no contact letter.

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Did she write the NC letter?

I need some advice regarding how I can effectively cope with the knowledge of my Wife's affair. We are still in the early Exposure stages. I have exposed the affair, and as of yesterday My WW and I are completing the Exposure checklist. We are attempting to move forward, and I know we have a long way to go with that. That portion of our recovery is being delt with in a separate post.

What I need now is some advice for dealing with my thoughts. I first learned of the affair a month ago, but exposure didn't happen until this past weekend. It took me several weeks to gather all the necessary information.

Unfortunately, through my investigation of the affair I learned many intimate details. While I realize it was necessary for me to learn everything so I could effectively squash the affair, I am still left with very intimate knowledge of their relationship on which I would prefer not to dwell any longer.

I recovered more than a full year's worth of text messages, and therein read many things. The depth of their love, her willingness to leave me at the drop of a hat as soon as OM was ready to leave OMW, and some very hurtful and horrible things WW said to OM about me. There were even things that were said after I learned of the affair, but before I exposed it. Things WW said which showed no remorse for my suffering and attempts to cope and understand, as well as my lack of capability as a husband and father. I have seen pictures of them together (kissing, but otherwise non-sexual), and though I never caught or saw pictures of them in the act of intimacy, I read text messages that describe the frequency of explicitness of their sex life all too graphically. There are also images of OM with my very young daughter, who is now 15 months, but was as young as 4 months in some photos. These images positively infuriate me. I would never harm my wife physically, even after all this, but nonetheless I do at times hate her for what she has done.

So, how do I get rid of these thoughts? They haunt me regularly. I exercise several hours a day to try and reduce stress. I am sleeping fairly well again, but my appetite is still spotty. I often have to force myself to eat. I need to put behind me what has happened so I can focus on my daughter, rebuilding my marriage, and keeping my job.

I will not be able to begin a healing process until I can put these images and thoughts to rest.

How do I begin to do that?
EH

yes. she wrote it, I approved it, and it was sent. She has also agreed to change her phone number and stay out of the areas in which he works, lives, and where they used to regularly meet. She is also giving me a full schedule of her day.

This may very well still be gaslighting, as some of you suggest, but it's all I have to go on right now.

Hopefully we are finally moving forward for real.

You may need to move.

Threads merged. Please stick to one thread in future.

Do you have the book SAA?

Also when you build a new loving MB marriage you will create new memories. I know you don't want to hear this, but it will take time.

Please listen to the clips in here Dr. Harley on How to Deal With Triggers

Also do you have spyware on her devices to verify that she's remaining in NC?

Have you read about Just Compensation?

There is no magic way for the thoughts to disappear, Eddie. Like Brain said it will simply take time for the sting and anger to lessen. If your WW doesn't make Just Compensation to you and build a new and improved better marriage with you then there won't be any good thoughts to replace the horrible ones you are now struggling with.

Sorry but it is going to take time. Dday is very recent. You may want to ask your doctor about anti-depressants if you are feeling too depressed or anxious. Exercise does help.

ETA: If you need to take some time off from work then take the time off. Many people have even expose affairs to their bosses so they understand what is going on. The vast majority of people are supportive and understanding.

x 2

I know you say the expose is done. But if there are any exposure targets left, the longer you put that off the longer it will take for any real healing to begin. And you need to be sure the targets have been exposed to properly.

What has your family's response been?