Hello,
Three weeks ago I discovered my wife of three years had been having an affair for over a year. It began a few months after our first child was born. She swore it was over and that they had already broken it off. Two weeks later (one week ago) I discovered that in fact it was still ongoing. I also found much more information regarding the depth of the affair. They were deeply in love, were regularly intimate and went through great pains to see each other every day. She expressed to him that she wanted to leave me for him.

I confronted her again, and this time I demanded she choose between him or her family. She chose us, and swore again she has ended her affair. That was one week ago. We both admitted we had a role in what happened, apologized and agreed not to discuss any details of the affair. I made her promise to completely cut off all contact with her lover, and delete or discard any tokens of affection, videos, and digital images and she says she has.

Since then, there have been many changes in her mannerisms, attitude, and shows of affection towards me. She doesn't hide her phone anymore, and tells me wherever she's going. She hasn't worked since September, but has already gotten a new job and starts Monday. These all have made me feel very good about our progress and I am starting to regain trust in her.

Yesterday I asked if she would look at this site with me. I asked her read DR. Harley's background, and start reading the sections on Coping with Infidelity. That did not go well. She stopped after the 2nd letter and became very upset. The same letters that helped me greatly to understand how this happened and what paths to take were taken by her as a direct attack and criticism of what she had done. She says shes just not ready to start a recovery program yet. I immediately told her stop reading as I realized this was not doing anything to improve my "Love Bank" status with her. I had either attempted to start too soon or had her reading the wrong stuff.

I understand clearly that she is experiencing symptoms of guilt and withdrawal, which hopefully indicates that she has indeed cut off all contact with him. I am willing to give her more time to heal before we begin. In the meantime, trust is obviously a major issue for me. True or false, I do see her unwillingness to begin counseling as more evidence that she may not in fact have stopped seeing him, and while my trust in her has improved, it's still not high enough where I don't worry every minute when at work that she's going to run off and see him or set up a rendezvous when she goes out to the store for an hour. I'm not sure how to be certain that it's over, but considering they both are highly aware that I am watching very carefully, I've at least made it much more difficult.

All that being said, What I really want to know is how long should I wait to approach her again about counseling? When it does become time, what information on this site should I be showing her to "sell" this program in particular? I really like the concepts and the support options available at Marriage Builders, But I want buy in from her so I know she will put in real effort.

Please help, I really do want to save our marriage. Not just for my Daughter's sake, but for mine and hers as well.

EH

Welcome to MB, and I am sorry to read of these events in your marriage.

I'm also very sorry to say that this affair is continuing, and that it probably started before your child was born. You say it began after, so could you tell me what makes you think it did? Have you seen evidence about the beginnings of the affair - text messages that describe their first meeting, for example?

It is very worrying that she began the affair before you had been married for two years (by your own account), and soon after having a child. Was she at home full-time when that happened? How did she meet OM under those circumstances? Who is he - a neighbour, a work colleague, an old boyfriend? Since you describe their having had sex regularly and having seen each other every day, he must live within accessible distance to you. You will never recover under those conditions, and indeed, you should not even try. You need to move far away from him immediately if you are to stand a chance of recovering; you need to rent out your home if you own it, or give up the lease if you are renting. You need to do this yesterday. If you have read Dr Harley's articles as you say you have, you must have seen the advice to move away from home - and give up the job, if the affair was with a work colleague. You must have seen that he describes extraordinary precautions to prevent the affair continuing, and from what i can see in your post, not a single one of those EPs has been taken.

For example, you do not mention exposing the affair. Is this man married or with a girlfriend? Have you told that person? Have you told the workplace, if he is connected via work? Have you told supportive family members on both sides (yours and hers) and asked them for support in getting your wife to end the affair and rebuild the marriage? If your wife has not been held accountable to his wife and your families for what she has done, she will feel no compulsion to end contact with this man and not do it again.

The thing about women having affairs is that they do not usually hook up for sex, as the man in the same affair does. (Hooking up for sex does not stop the man from falling in love and pursuing your wife even when he knows you know about it, by the way.) Women usually do not take the step to have an affair until they are ready to fall in love with someone else - or possibly, were in love with the other man at an earlier time in their lives - where he was an old boyfriend or ex-husband. You saw yourself the messages that they sent showing their love for each other (although I am sceptical that OM felt as strongly as your wife did ; he said the things he knew she needed to hear to stay in the affair). You saw that she was "deeply in love". You must not believe that she could give this up just because you found out about it, and because she has given you her word.

Her letting you see her phone means nothing. If she is continuing the affair - which she is - she knows she needs to put you off guard. She has another means to communicate that you do not know about, and her going back to work will be the perfect place from which she can contact him and meet him. Your wife has a secret affair phone which she uses in the car - you need to bug this - and email accounts of which you are unaware. You need to put a keylogger on her devices and spyware on her phone. If she is deleting her messages and clearing her sent/received files frequently, you will not see evidence of her contact.

You are correct to see red flags in her unwilling to go to counselling - but whatever you do, do not go to traditional counselling. Do not talk her into this. Traditional counsellors will not know how to ensure permanent non-contact (NC) between her and OM, and will have no idea how to rebuild the marriage once that has been achieved. At worse they will encourage you to give your wife space, to trust her word, and to let her go back to work so that she can be unhappy, given that she will probably tell them that she is unhappy staying at home with your child.

In short: you need to

• Expose
  
• Spy -without letting her know of your suspicions in any way
  
• Move, this week
  
• Hold off on her going back to work. That is off the table now until you have moved, establised NC and begun recovery.
  
• If there is any chance that your wife is reading this thread you are in trouble, because she will stop your attempt to spy.

Come back and tell us what you know about this OM and we'll take it from there.

I don't know when they first met, but I recovered the entire text message log from her phone, including 70,000 between them. The first was sent two months after my daughter as born, and was basically an "exchange of numbers" text. I also have about 200 photos.

That's also right around the time my wife completely shut down to me emotionally. She had a bit of a breakdown right around then where she mostly expressed her unhappiness with me. I thought it was Post Partum Depression, so I didn't think much of it at the time other than to let her calm down, but now I know it was a cry for help of sorts.

She was working part time when it began. She met him through work, though they do not work together. He was a client. She did not quit work until well after the affair was off and running. To the best of my knowledge they did not know each other before the affair began.

I have not exposed the affair to anyone on either side, except for my wife and two of my personal friends. I am struggling with that, but I am coming to the realization that it needs to happen immediately.

I installed a GPS device in her car early this week. She has not yet lied once about where she is going since I caught her the second time. I also track her mileage, and it's been checking out. Though she admitted (before I installed it actually) that she's paranoid that I'm tracking her and secretly accessing her phone.

I plan on installing a keystroke logger immediately as well.

If she has a hidden phone, it's less than a week old. everything documenting the affair was on her primary phone. I will be on the lookout.

As for the OM, he is married with 3 kids, two from his current marriage. The oldest is 18, the other two are younger. I would guess the youngest is no older than 7. He's 42, has been married for 13 years and is clearly dissatisfied. I don't think this is his first affair. He really seems to "know the game". I have some evidence that he was cheated on in a past marriage, though that's tough to confirm from text conversation. I am fairly confident he lives with his wife and family, though I have evidence that he has other residences.

He's a police officer who works one town over from us, which made it very easy for them to get together, since he works day shift and she was often home.

The main reason it ended, if indeed it has, was because both I discovered the affair and because he expressed a clear unwillingness to leave his wife right now. I have evidence of that from text messages.

The new job she has accepted is in a different town away from where most of the rendezvous were occurring. At the very least they cannot reasonably meet while he's on duty. It's also much closer to my place of employment than my home or former job, so I'll be able to physically check up on her more easily if need be. I actually feel safer with her there than sitting at home.

Moving is unfortunately not an option right now, though I know it would help tremendously.

For what its worth, my wife has been more convincing in the last few days that she wants to try to reconcile, though I am leery of her sincerity. She has agreed to seek counseling from the very beginning. This morning after my initial post I told her I needed concrete evidence from her that she has had zero contact with OM. She said she would gather what she could and present it to me. She also apologized for not wanting to read further into counseling last night and offered to try again today. Should I entertain that, or should I hold off until we've addressed the other steps you've outlined?

I had planned to tell her that today we are telling the OM's wife. I wanted to wait until Friday evening to do that so I know where she is in the days following the exposure and prevent them from attempting to meet. We will be together with friends all weekend, and they'll have no chance see each other.

She likely won't read this. She only knows of this site from what I showed her and I'm using a handle that she would never suspect.

EH

EH, I would absolutely not tell her in advance. It is a strategic mistake to forewarn cheaters, because that gives them a chance to pre-empt you and spin the story. It also starts completely unnecessary fights that often results in a failed exposure.

I would pick up the phone today and inform the OM's wife of the affair and offer to send her all the evidence. I would follow up with a phone call or email to your family and friends about the affair, using the templates on my exposure thread.


Today will be ideal because you can also enlist the help of these friends.

Given all I've said, and you that you should have read on here by now, I hope you've firmly abandoned the idea of telling her that you intend to tell OMW. You do know, don't you, that if she suspects that this is coming, she will warn OM and he will keep his wife away from the phone or email? He we tell her, first, that a nut-job civilian on his beat fell in love with him, then she told her H, who, being an equal nut-job, is threatening all manner of stuff, and that his wife should ignore any communication about an affair, and tell him about it.

He might also answer emails on her behalf, saying that she knows all about the affair, she is rebuilding her marriage and she never wants to hear from you again. You need to speak to her directly on the phone, or write to her work email address (easily found on the Internet) - and DO NOT leave a message on a answering machine, where it can be wiped.

Don't let your wife know anything about your plans to expose, or to spy.

Since this man is a police officer and seems to have been doing this on the job (pun intended), you need to expose him to his line of command. It is completely unacceptable from the force's point of view for him to have been bonking on the job - under cover of the job - and exposure to them - and his wife - gives you a 100% chance of killing this affair.

I would avoid counseling because it is such a wild card. Most counselors don't understand infidelity and have no earthly idea how to save a marriage afterwards. They tend to give marriage wrecking advice such as giving the cheater "space" or asking the cheaters spouse to move out for a 'trial separation." They don't understand the FOG dynamic of cheating

WE can give you a step by step program to turn this around if you are willing. The program comes from Dr Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders. The program really does work.

p..s when you expose the affair to the OM's wife, I would give her your wife's phone # so she can call her with any questions.

His employer should be informed of what he is doing on the job!

You need to expose the affair ASAP. Dday was just a week ago. There is NO WAY that the affair is over yet. Your WW saying she is sorry, promises of NC mean, and wanting to go to MC means nothing. Toss the MC too...that is a waste of time and can make matters even worse.

You need to contact the BW pronto...WITHOUT telling your WW...that would be foolish and a giant mistake. Give BW some of the texts and photos as evidence. You have soooo much that I would only give her some of the most damning ones for now so she doesn't get so overwhelmed that she misses big &^%#@s that OM can not explain away....like a text that says he is going to leave her for WW. You can give her more later but I wouldn't give her 70,000 texts yet.

Your WW is still wayward. Do not speak to her about MB. You are trying to educate a drunk.

Welcome to MB.

OK. I had a discussion with her over the weekend that I was struggling with the idea of not telling his wife. She didn't try hard to stop me, but didn't encourage it either. She said she was afraid of further contact by him, either to her or to me. I said that I wasn't afraid of him, but that for now I wouldn't. If she is in contact with him, then she may have warned him already as a contingency plan, but I have photos that prove I'm not lying which I can include in any correspondence.

I will take your advice and contact her and his employer without my wife's knowledge. My main fear is that it will draw them to reconnect, but this will probably be a moot point since I'll have destroyed his life anyway.

She may also decide to leave and take the baby, though she can't really go anywhere but back home to her parents 2 hours away. I fear being apart from my daughter the most right now.

As for her comment regarding counseling, she meant she was willing to revisit looking at this site specifically, not another service or site.

Eddie, you are better off blowing up the affair and dealing with the drama now. Waiting or dragging out exposure is ALWAYS a bad move...ALWAYS. Exposure isn't ever pretty but it is necessary or you will have ZERO chance of recovering your marriage. If you don't kill this affair this POS will never go away and can even come around your child. Do you want that POS around your daughter?


Don't let fear guide you. Even if she did leave and take the baby, it would be temporary. She could leave anytime whether you expose or not. Exposure will give you the support you (and even WW) need.

Agreed. It will be done. Tonight when I get home from work. This way I'll know where my daughter and wife are when it happens.

This is good to hear. Please do this TODAY and go read through the exposure thread linked in my signature.

If his life is "destroyed" it won't be because of you, but because of his own unprofessional, immoral behavior.


Don't worry. She will be back soon. And you will have to inform her parents of the affair too.


Thanks for the clarification.

You will find it very difficult to expose the affair from home with her there. Can you expose today from another location?

What about obtaining a restraining order of some kind? Is it even possible? He is a police officer, so to say I'm not concerned about retaliation would be a lie.

You should expose to parents, siblings and any influential targets. If WW goes to her parents, they should know why she is on their doorstep. WW shouldn't be given the opportunity to spin some lame story about why she is there...including you kicked her out, are crazy etc. Even if she doesn't leave, if her parents and siblings (?) are decent people, they should want to shake some sense into her...especially since you have a child with her. They should know who POSOM is so that this loser will not be welcomed either.

This is why it is so important for you to expose to his personnel department TODAY. They will likely pull him off the beat and put him on a desk job or suspend him. If he DARED retaliate, you could take out a restraining order, which would likely wreck his career. He would be crazy to trifle with you.

What do you mean? If you expose him to his employers and they discipline him, do you think he's going to go to your home and beat you up? Do you seriously think he would risk doing that?

I don't know. likely not, but I can't help but fear the worst. I'm trying to cover all my bases before going down this road.

I would not worry about this. That he is law enforcement also has it's benefit. If he does anything to harass you or act crazy, he is only going to bury himself even more. Once you expose, eyes will be on him. You can request a RO later if he pulls anything but he would have to pull something to give you reason to apply for one.

Most OM are complete weenies...even law enforcement officers.

Ok, thank you all for your support reinforcement. I am primarily concerned because he knows where I live and I cannot move immediately. But I agree, it's time to expose

You will have an impossible task exposing from home when your wife is there. It needs to be done away from the home in a complete, comprehensive manner. Do them all today so it hits them like a tsunami.

Does the OM have a Facebook account? Have you read through the exposure instructions in my exposure thread?

Agree with Mel about exposing from home. I exposed to BH1 from a Burger King parking lot on my lunch break!!! I exposed to BH2 while my WH was driving to work. Exposure to all family and friends was done by phone calls (no one lived close by for a face to face) away from WH. BOOM, BOOM, BOOM!! Was shock and awe!! Both affairs nuked and died.

I did it from work. If you're at work now, do it from there. Take our word for it: if you go home, you won't be able to do it for the whole weekend.

And WW will use tears, anger and/or threats to get you to stop. Don't sign up for that.

I agree with the others, expose while you're at work.

Have you had DNA Testing done on your child?

I went to his employer (the police department) and spoke with internal affairs. it didn't go very far, they didn't seem like there was much they could do, but they were going to investigate and get back to me. I don't expect much to happen there.

I was unable to find a cell phone number for OMW, but I sent email and facebook private messages to her. I have yet to hear back about anything from her, him, or any reaction from my wife. I know these messages can potentially be intercepted by OM, but it was the best I can do. I did not tell my wife anything, for fear that she would tell him and allow him to intercept.

Now I'm kind of in a holding pattern. I was hoping this would be liberating, but its not, since I have no idea if my message has reached its destination or if I spoke to anyone who would actually help. Do I just sit and wait for the the police to do something or his wife to finally log on or check email?

Good job!! Please get your exposures finished and drive this home. I would not stop until you are in touch with the wife.

I think you will be very surprised at the outcome of the exposure to the Police Department, though. WE had a betrayed wife of a cheating policeman report her husband. They acted like it was a big nothing to HER, but it turned out to be a major investigation and I believe he was suspended. So don't let their tepid response disappoint you.


Go back and find her mother, dad and/or sisters and send them a Facebook private message. Tell them that JoeCreep is having an affair with your wife and you need to get in touch with MRs Creep to give her the facts. Sign your full name and give your cell phone.


You should complete your exposures. Expose to the OM's Facebook contacts, all of your family and friends. I would go RIGHT NOW AND COPY AND PASTE ALL THE OM'S FACEBOOK CONTACTS INTO A TEXT DOC FOR SAFEKEEPING. He will be shutting down his face book page as soon as he finds out you have PM'd his wife.

I would also suggest you expose him on cheaterville if you can get ahold of a photo. That is very effective exposure because his name will show up when googled, AND you can send endless emails anonymously with the cheaterville link.

It worked!!!! Just as you all said. The exposure has crippled the affair. OM'S employer and OW have both confronted him, and now he's in a world of hurt. He'll never have time for WW now. He has been in contact with WW to inform her of what I did, but my suspicions that they had seen each other earlier yesterday were true, so that doesn't really change things. I am disappointed that his children and OW will be hurt, but that is not my fault.

WW was angry, as expected, and we did argue a bit. I tried to remain level headed. She had the audacity of blaming me for causing hurt to his family by going to his Police Department and Wife. She claimed that was the only thing she asked that I not do. I said that I didn't cause any of this. She and he had caused all of this pain. The only reason I exposed the affair was because she wouldn't honor the only request I had made of her when I initially found out. I asked for her complete and utter separation from him, and she didn't do it. They left me with no choice. I was not going to allow OM's presence to destroy my family, even if it destroyed his. I told WW that she could leave me if she wanted, but I would never allow her to leave me for OM. She doesn't get that option.

Within a few minutes we had decided to table the argument, and actually have just been going about our day as we have been the last three weeks. I'm a bit shocked at that, actually. It was far less emotionally taxing than I expected. I think deep down she knew this had to happen, but I know she never thought I'd have the strength to do it.


She said to "forget about counseling right now", which I learned from all of you yesterday was a bad idea anyway, so that's not even on my mind.

That being said, what do I do now? I plan to continue spying on her to ensure communication has stopped. Aside from that, Do I just continue to try and make her happy and feel loved while improving on the things she had outlined as needs which I wasn't providing? I know she'll be in withdrawal for a while, but is there anything specific I should do to begin to endear her to me again?

I don't want to smother her, but I don't want to abandon her either. She is reluctant to confide in anyone because it requires an admission of guilt. I don't want her talking to a therapist because I'm afraid they will tell her to seek counseling. She will certainly not want talk to me about her love for another man, nor do I want to hear it. I've got my own healing to do.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

Finally this has been without a doubt the most empowering experience of my life. I thank you all for the support and encouragement to see this first step through.

EH

Good job.

How do you know OMBW and employer confronted him? Did you actually talk to OMBW?

Do you have the book SAA?

First off, good job!!! You have taken a very brave first step towards saving your marriage. But you CANNOT STOP now. You must finish your exposures and it needs to be done NOW. You have the affair on the ropes, so don't let up while you have it in a free fall or it will rise from the dead.

EXPOSE the affair to your family and friends using the talking points on my thread. CALL her parents and email your other family and friends.

Send Facebook messages to the OM's family using the instructions on my thread.

Do not think for a minute that you have killed the affair by exposing to TWO people. That is a trickle exposure which leaves them much opportunity to maneuver around. You NEED the whole family to support your marriage.

Get this done NOW so you can move onto next steps, which would be restoring the love in your marriage. Grab your laptop or iPad and make an excuse to leave the house and go to a coffee shop or your office and GET THIS DONE NOW.

Once you finish your exposures, you will need to address this checklist with your wife - it is out of the book Surviving an Affair, which you do need to get asap:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

You HELPED protect them from this harmful affair. Now the OM's wife can take steps to protect herself and her children from your wife and her husband. You did a good deed to this family!

Absolutely. You would have wanted her to tell you.

Now you can both tag team the affair. She watches her end, you watch yours.

Secrecy to avoid hurting people is patronising and wrong. We all need to know when we are being defrauded.

OK, I will move forward with the exposure to our families. If after this, she refuses to comply with the items on the checklist what do I do? I can't kick her out of the house unless she leaves willingly, nor do I want that. We have a 15 month old who needs us both. She already feels like she has nowhere to go, and once she's exposed to both of our families, she'll feel like I am seeking vengeance.

Also what do I do if she does leave and takes our child? I see almost no chance of that happening, but it is possible. Of course, I am able to track her, so I'll know where she is.

I want to be prepared for her to not comply and have a response or plan ready. I'm almost positive that she will fight it. Hopefully I'm wrong.

EH

I know because my wife told me that OM contacted her and said I destroyed his family and career by going to his employer and his wife. My wife confronted me about it without my asking and described with complete accuracy the methods by which I exposed them. There was no way she could have found out any other way, because I was not at home when I exposed them.

EH,

You wrote, I destroyed his family and career by going to his employer and his wife.

No the OM betrayed his family and the consequence is alienation from them, the OM betrayed his mandate to protect and serve the community by attacking a member of the communities family.

He also likely took an oath not to engage in illegal or immoral activities when he became an officer. If the affair was conducted during work hours he also stole from the public.

Yes the OM should not be promoted he is not an exemplary police officer.

God Bless
Gamma

Do you know what to say to your families and friends? Are you reading my exposure thread?

After you expose, she will be furious. Just expect this. Tell her you love her and want to have a happy marriage with her, but this is what it will take: show her the list. She will tell you to go to hell at first. You just keep being kind and tell her she has to end her affair.


Do nothing. She will be right back. She may even try to throw you out. Just tell her no thanks. Expect lots of drama.

EH, it is critical that you get these exposures done NOW. The more you trickle this out, the less effective it will be. ASK HER FAMILY TO USE THEIR INFLUENCE TO PERSUADE HER TO END HER AFFAIR.

AND, you need to send Facebook private messages to the OM's family and friends. I am getting very worried you are not listening to us. The window of opportunity is closing as we speak.

And no, we will not tell you to kick her out. Don't worry about that. But on the same token, you should NOT LEAVE if she tries to kick you out.

Please read this. Men, Don't Leave your Home!

Exposure complete. It took a few days to get to everyone. as expected she is furious, but she did not leave. she will not comply with any of the stipulations on the checklist. She says she will not be controlled, and would rather make plans to leave than do otherwise. She says she will "make an effort" to not see or speak to him again, but that my making demands pushes her away and exposing this has only driven him to contact her more than he was in the last few weeks. She indicated that she had really been making a strong effort to avoid contact with him over the last week before I exposed them, and had all but closed the door, but all of this has re-opened it. She understands that it can never work between them, and she can end it but she needs to end it her way, not mine. For her, total complete and immediate is not the way. She was deeply in love with OM, I know that, and she feels that I am trying to take away her right to be happy (with him or otherwise) so I can create the "image" of a happy family. I am not. I felt cornered and desperate and was trying to salvage an opportunity for us to try to be happy.

I'm not sure what I did that was so terrible and caused her to be so unhappy and stray instead of discuss this with me. I admit I wasn't the most doting husband. I worked a lot towards the end of her pregnancy and shortly thereafter because I knew we'd have less income for a while. I was under stress and pressure being a new and first time father, and I admit I neglected some of her emotional needs. I didn't take care of myself physically as well as I should have and gained weight. I tried to lose it, but her complete shut down to me affectionately made it nearly impossible for me to focus. She had found a replacement for me just two months after our daughter was born, and though I didn't know that at the time, I certainly felt the effects of abandonment. At any rate, I've changed all that in the last month to try and restore the person whom she fell in love with, physically, mentally and emotionally. Physically is the easy part. It's the mental and emotional aspects that I am struggling with.


So, what do I do now? wait and let her recover and decide what to do. I'll be honest, all this spying on her is starting to wear on me greatly, and I'm not sure how productive it is for my own recovery. The only thing it ever reveals are times when she is definitely or likely seeing him. It never really proves to me that she isn't.


EH

I'm glad to hear that the exposures are complete. This is progress, although it might not feel like that to you. I can't remember if you have spoken to OMW. I will read back through the thread in a minute.

Meanwhile - what is your spying revealing? Is she still seeing OM? Where, and under what circumstances? Does she tell you that she is going out with friends?

If you are recoding telephone conversations: do they appear to be fighting, or to be consoling each other?

I don't see any evidence that you have reached OMW - except the policeman OM telling your wife that you ruined his life and career. That is not enough to go on. You need to speak to his wife directly. Did you give her a means of contacting you when you went through Facebook?

Also, you make no mention of your wife's parents and siblings. What have you told them, and what was their reaction?

Is your wife on any medication for her post-natal depression?

Spying reveals to you that your job is not complete. Since you have not spoken tot the OM's wife, he probably denied the affair. This is why you must contact her directly and give her all your evidence. Did you expose to the Om's Facebook contacts? To his family? His friends?

You should keep this up until you have killed the affair. EVERY TIME the OM contacts your wife, you should contact his wife directly and give her the communication. You should also pay him a call and tell him to leave your family alone. If this guy is still contacting your wife after all this, then he is amazingly cocky.

I get the sense you are pencil whipping this exercise and that will result in a failed effort.

yes, I have spoken with OMW directly to confirm receipt of the exposure. she has expressed a desire to not speak to me again, and I will honor that. she knows how to reach me if she wants to.

I have contacted as many family members of OM and OMW as I could find via FB and email. I don't read any responses anymore as some are quite hurtful.

At any rate, I am confident the exposure has been carried out to the best of my ability.

No, she was never on any anti-depressants. She passed all those tests. I have a hard time believing she wasnt, and still isnt, suffering from some sort of depression, but she is very good at suppressing that. Telling her to see a doctor now will have the opposite effect, so I can' do that.

She knows she has done wrong, and to her credit she had over the last few weeks been making an real effort to be more affectionate and family-oriented at least help me cope. I told her I did notice and very much appreciate those efforts, but by far her ending this affair was more important.

What did she say to you? Did she believe your story? Were you able to give her the evidence?


Were you able to reach his parents? And if so, did they respond?


Have her parents and other family members contacted her and asked her to end her affair?

And is the OM coming into your house while you are at work?

You can tell her she needs to make a doctor appt to be tested for STDs. You both should be tested. If POSOM is a serial cheat as you said, then the risk of an STD is even higher. There are very few things a BS can put to rest in his mind early on after Dday...this is one of them. Please get testing scheduled for you and WW ASAP...one less thing to worry about and it will provide an "in" for the doctor to speak to her about anti-depressants. You should get a hard copy of the results sent to you.

This is BS gaslighting. I hope you don't believe this.


Sorry but she is still in love with him. That did not evaporate overnight.


Did you tell WW this ^^^

Yes, I told WW that I exposed them not for vengeance, but because I felt my marriage and my relationship with my daughter was threatened and I was not going to allow that to happen.

UPDATE: WW came to me just a few minutes ago, without my approaching her, and has agreed to comply with the requests on the Exposure checklist!!!

I did not think this would happen so quickly. Not nearly out of the woods yet, but I'm feeling much more confident than I was a day ago.

Once again, thank you all for you continued support to see this through. I will work on getting these things done and continue to move forward.

Be cautious! If it is true, then great news.
Things don't typically move that fast, i would be wary of her trying to get you off her back.

Actions, not words by her. She has to prove it!

Many a betrayed have fallen for the gaslighting.

Great! Lets test her sincerity by asking her to send a no contact letter.

here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX

Did she write the NC letter?

I need some advice regarding how I can effectively cope with the knowledge of my Wife's affair. We are still in the early Exposure stages. I have exposed the affair, and as of yesterday My WW and I are completing the Exposure checklist. We are attempting to move forward, and I know we have a long way to go with that. That portion of our recovery is being delt with in a separate post.

What I need now is some advice for dealing with my thoughts. I first learned of the affair a month ago, but exposure didn't happen until this past weekend. It took me several weeks to gather all the necessary information.

Unfortunately, through my investigation of the affair I learned many intimate details. While I realize it was necessary for me to learn everything so I could effectively squash the affair, I am still left with very intimate knowledge of their relationship on which I would prefer not to dwell any longer.

I recovered more than a full year's worth of text messages, and therein read many things. The depth of their love, her willingness to leave me at the drop of a hat as soon as OM was ready to leave OMW, and some very hurtful and horrible things WW said to OM about me. There were even things that were said after I learned of the affair, but before I exposed it. Things WW said which showed no remorse for my suffering and attempts to cope and understand, as well as my lack of capability as a husband and father. I have seen pictures of them together (kissing, but otherwise non-sexual), and though I never caught or saw pictures of them in the act of intimacy, I read text messages that describe the frequency of explicitness of their sex life all too graphically. There are also images of OM with my very young daughter, who is now 15 months, but was as young as 4 months in some photos. These images positively infuriate me. I would never harm my wife physically, even after all this, but nonetheless I do at times hate her for what she has done.

So, how do I get rid of these thoughts? They haunt me regularly. I exercise several hours a day to try and reduce stress. I am sleeping fairly well again, but my appetite is still spotty. I often have to force myself to eat. I need to put behind me what has happened so I can focus on my daughter, rebuilding my marriage, and keeping my job.

I will not be able to begin a healing process until I can put these images and thoughts to rest.

How do I begin to do that?
EH

yes. she wrote it, I approved it, and it was sent. She has also agreed to change her phone number and stay out of the areas in which he works, lives, and where they used to regularly meet. She is also giving me a full schedule of her day.

This may very well still be gaslighting, as some of you suggest, but it's all I have to go on right now.

Hopefully we are finally moving forward for real.

You may need to move.

Threads merged. Please stick to one thread in future.

Do you have the book SAA?

Also when you build a new loving MB marriage you will create new memories. I know you don't want to hear this, but it will take time.

Please listen to the clips in here Dr. Harley on How to Deal With Triggers

Also do you have spyware on her devices to verify that she's remaining in NC?

Have you read about Just Compensation?

There is no magic way for the thoughts to disappear, Eddie. Like Brain said it will simply take time for the sting and anger to lessen. If your WW doesn't make Just Compensation to you and build a new and improved better marriage with you then there won't be any good thoughts to replace the horrible ones you are now struggling with.

Sorry but it is going to take time. Dday is very recent. You may want to ask your doctor about anti-depressants if you are feeling too depressed or anxious. Exercise does help.

ETA: If you need to take some time off from work then take the time off. Many people have even expose affairs to their bosses so they understand what is going on. The vast majority of people are supportive and understanding.

x 2

I know you say the expose is done. But if there are any exposure targets left, the longer you put that off the longer it will take for any real healing to begin. And you need to be sure the targets have been exposed to properly.

What has your family's response been?

Recovery is a two to five year process. As already mentioned moving far away helps recovery. Many cases moving is required.

You have this backwards. As you heal, you will be able to put those thoughts behind you. It is like being raped, you don't just put the trauma out of mind with a snap of your fingers. For you, the solution is very precise: a) time and b) recovery of your marriage. If you will go through this program diligently and affair proof your marriage and create a romantic, passionate marriage, those thoughts will fade away. If you are happy in the present, your mind does not tend to go to the past.

If you don't go through this program [the one described in Surviving an Affair] your resentment will GROW and fester year after year. But this does not have to be your fate.

Here are some good clips about just compensation.

What is Just Compensation?

EddieHead,

Get a polygraph for your WW to make sure you have the full truth and don't end up learning new details 5 10 or 20 years from now.

Get a DNA test for your child to put that monster of an issue to bed.

If you can get OM fired he may have to move to get another job.

God Bless
Gamma

I dont need one. GPS on her car confirms she saw him for 5 minutes today in a forest preserve parking lot on the way to work. there is no other reason for her to have been there.

what do I do. confront her? expose again? tail her and get photo evidence?

I'm tired of all the lies

Whatever you do, don't give up your spying resource. Even if that means following her to work, and then confronting both of them. I am sorry you are going through this. I feel for you.

Don't say anything. Hire a PI to quietly tail her.

Ask her if she has anything to tell you or if there has been contact? If she says nothing to report, keep watching, if she acts guilty then she is probably guilty.

I would get more evidence first, maybe she just stopped there to think or have a smoke or a good cry.
Before you confront again, you need solid proof.

For her to quit cold turkey is hard to do, especially the way you described her leading up to her agreeing to all EP.

should i go back to his employer (the police) with new evidence, or will that just get back to OM and drive this further underground

Contact the POSOM's Betrayed Wife directly.

Let her know that they are still meeting each other behind your backs.

Don't cower to an emotionally baseless request to not contact her further. The poor hurt woman needs to know her WH is still sneaking around on her.

Also, recontact this POSOM's investigation unit again and let them know that he has been still meeting your wife and when. He may have been on duty when he was carrying on this current affair contact.

Have you reached EVERY one of His and your Wife's family members and friends of influence?

Don't leave any stone unturned. This is War against your family.

LTL

Have you exposed to your and WW's families or not? You have avoided answering this question. Did you properly expose to EVERYONE or not? Exposure to OM's work and BW is NOT enough. Please answer.

Ok, so to summarize

1. contact OMW and employer with new evidence, even though it is technically circumstantial

2. do not confront wife without solid proof, but ask her if there has been any contact to gauge reaction

3. continue to search for and expose to acquaintances and relatives

4. continue to monitor and attempt to acquire solid proof

I presume the exposure checklist is pointless now until she stops seeing him, and that following through with any of the remaining items is worthless.

It will be difficult to not confront her. I'll have to become a better liar than she is.

to be honest, I'm not even sure if this is worth saving anymore. If it wasn't for the fact that I do occasionally believe that I see true remorse in her eyes, I wouldn't be doing this.

Of course, that could just be an act as well, though turning on the tears has never been a skill of hers.

EH

You have this backwards and it is clear to me that you have NOT exposed like you have been advised repeatedly. You expose so she won't be able to see him without risking further anger, disappointment and disgust from the families. Without PROPER exposure then everything else is worthless...you will be spinning your wheels. You should expose regardless of Recovery of Divorce so this jerk can't be around your child like he was only a friend.

If you refuse to expose, then save your $ for the PI and use it on a divorce attorney.

Don't give away your spying intel source.

Just say that you are giving her an opportunity to be open and honest.

You just reply, after she either denies anything or asks you how and what do you think you know, that you are completely willing to create a much better marriage for both of you if her affair is over.

Are you SURE she met him?

Is that forest preserve on her regular route to work, or did she have to go out of her way to stop there?

LTL

And no, you don't need more proof. You have plenty. Your problem is you are afraid to expose to the families.

70k texts and 200 photos is a MOUNTAIN of evidence. You do not need a PI.

What on earth would confronting her achieve?

Would you confront the town drunk or simply take the bottle away?

Exposure is the first step in order to ruin the affair.

Of course she won't stop seeing him before exposure! She still has privacy!

Yes tell OMW contact continues, and investigation unit. Do not reveal your sources.

Will you be hiring a PI if you think you need more evidence?

But you have plenty of evidence. Why do you think you don't have enough?

How did they contact each other to set up this meeting? You said in an earlier post that you have spyware on everything she owns. Therefore, either she has a secret phone that you have not yet discovered, or, if she is back at work, she is contacting him via work.

What, exactly, do you have spyware on?

There is no point asking questions such as "do you have anything to tell me". She is not going to confess to the meeting simply because you ask this, and since she has been lying to you throughout this lengthy affair, she is accomplished at that and will not "act guilty", either. All you will do by questioning her soon after she met her boyfriend is make her worry that you have found something out, and make her wonder what your source could be. All you'd be doing is tipping her off that you are on to her. Please do not do this.

The reason for hiring a PI is that her stopping at a park is not evidence of the kind that would convince a jury that she met him - and that is what you need, if you are either to tell his wife or report him to his police employers, and also if you feel that you have had enough of this and want to leave.

I'm not recommending leaving, because you have a young child to protect, but the point I'm making is that you cannot take any game-changing actions on the basis of that GPS. It is not enough. if it had shown her going to his police station or the street where he lives, that would be more convincing, but a park is not convincing evidence of anything. All she has to say is that she stopped for a breath of fresh air, and you would not be able to prove her wrong.

Yes, you have more than enough evidence from the mountain of text messages that there was an affair until recently, but you have accepted that the affair happened, and you have stayed with your wife despite it, and have been working on the basis that that is over. For you to act on the basis that you were wrong and the affair is still on, you need evidence from today - not text messages from the past year.

Of course, you and all of us on this forum know that she is continuing the affair. Several of us told you that she would when you first came here, so this is no surprise to us. But the GPS data is not proper evidence and you cannot take any action on the basis of it. She has a hidden means of contacting this man, and she has probably done so more than you realise during the past week. Save yourself a lot of hassle and take MelodyLane's advice: hire a PI and get the evidence you need within two days. This is no time for trying to call her bluff. She has a great poker face, as you well know now.

Make plans to move away, now. You can surely see why we said this right away; if you stay where you live now, your wife will meet him whenever she can, because she is addicted to him. She needs to give up work and move away with you, and if she does not agree to do this, I don't have any hope that you will break this affair.

EH,

I think the reason the OMW does not want you to contact her is that the OMW was the OW who broke up OMs first marriage.

OMs first wife may be able to give you valuable intel.

Is there an internal affairs division in OMs police department, you may want to bring this issue before the town council. Frankly put up posters detailing his activities to

God Bless
Gamma

Here Private Investigators

I think many of us are confused.
You said you exposed far and wide to family, OM family, OM work, friends. True or not?
Who did you NOT expose to?

She agreed to extraordinary precautions list (not exposure list)? Has she implemented them all? True or not? (all email, passwords, social media, phone numbers changed or turned off, and the rest of the list)

You said you sent the no contact letter she wrote and showed you. True or not?

Remember actions!
I warned you about her giving you lip service to get you to back off. If she is not acting depressed and/or angry then I would suspect full contact is still going on.

I would keep snooping and Plan A. You need to project a confident and no attitude disposition. Don't get angry.

If she refuses to act then you have a choice, either keep plan A or move to plan B.

How are things going EH?

Have you found out anything else on your own, or is your WW still gaslighting you?

LTL

I laid off of here for a bit so I could re-focus. I had become ultra paranoid (rightfully so) and needed to get a grip on myself so I could more accurately assess the situation. Since my last post my snooping has not revealed any evidence that they are in contact any longer. I've searched high and low for a burner phone but have found none. There is no evidence in email, phone or computing device that they have been in contact since the day of the exposure. I know there's no way to be 100% certain, but I have been on her like a hawk nights and weekends and track her every move when she is driving. I may have been wrong that she saw him en route to work on 2/5 as I initially posted. I can't be sure of that, though If contact did happen, it was 5 minutes at most. She has taken that exact route to work every day since, and not stopped at the spot I had suspected contact. According to GPS, she is going only where she says she is going. I also have a local police officer friend and neighbors watching my home when she is there and I am not.

She's been incredibly depressed for the last three weeks. I catch her crying now and then, especially at night, though she tries hard to hide it. She was previously very dedicated to exercise and health. She stopped exercising almost completely and is not eating much. I am trying to help her with that. I certainly don't want her to come to physical harm.

She's broken down to me several times and has told me OM bailed on her when I exposed and she believes I now intend to blind side her with a divorce and take our child. She has nowhere to go and almost no money without me, even with the new job, and that has her very worried. She knows I don't believe her yet, but she doesn't know how to prove that she's not seeing him because she has no way of producing evidence that she's not. I told her she doesn't have to worry about being blind sided as long as she never sees or speaks to him again, and left it at that.

She's hasn't gotten through the whole list yet, but she is giving me full disclosure of her destinations, which GPS has confirmed 100%. I have full access to her phone, email and social media and have found nothing. She is avoiding the areas and people I have asked her to avoid. She is making an effort to spend more time with me and swears she wants to attempt to rebuild, though she doesn't know if it's possible after all she's done to me.

She has made no requests to go out alone with friends or make strange random trips for no apparent reason. She says she understands that she can't do any of that until my trust in her is restored.

I am not completely convinced, and may never be. There will always be a way for them to contact one another without my knowing, and I can't prevent that. However, I am starting to believe her, based on her change in behavior and attitude compared to when I first caught her and prior to exposure. That being said, I don't intend on suspending my snooping.

I suppose all I can do now is continue to monitor, ask her to complete the list, and help her recover from her depression. I'm trying to show her that I still love her and do not intend to leave her. I make an effort to hug and kiss her every day and to compliment her whenever possible, and she does the same when she sees I am suffering. I don't know how much good it's doing her, but I can't imagine abandoning her to her depression would be a better course of action.

EH

Hi Eddie, thanks for the update. It certainly sounds like things are moving in the right direction. A couple of observations. Has she changed her contact information so the OM CAN'T reach her even if he wanted to? Do you have spyware on her phone so you can see every thing she does?

The above comment concerns me greatly because the logic is backwards. You should not trust her *IF* she goes out alone with friends or makes strange, random trips for no apparent reason. That is not how people in solid, romantic, integrated marriages behave. That is untrustworthy behavior. Do you see what I mean?

If she wants to earn your trust, she shouldn't do any of that.


She is away from you on nights and weekends? Why is that?

In order to recover your marriage is it CRITICAL that you and your wife create an integrated, romantic marriage using these concepts. If you don't, you will end up in a crippled version of the pre affair marriage and will be more vulnerable to an affair. The most important step in creating romantic love is scheduling 20-25 hours per week of undivided attention time [4 - 4 hour dates] meeting the top 4 intimate emotional needs.

If you don't do that, I predict you will be back here in 2-3 years to tell us about another affair.