My wife and I have been together for 13 years. For me they have been filled with ups and downs, but for the most part I have stuck with it expecting things to either stay similar or get better. She has told me on many occasions over the years that she was unhappy, but I always saw it as her depression was extremely bad at that point or I tried to blame it on something else. I am not going to blow smoke here and say I was the perfect husband. I wasn't. I always thought that by going back to school to better myself was the best thing and after our youngest son passed away 3 years ago, I made it my mission to become the very best man I could be. Sometimes I even went as far as to neglect my wife's needs. I would stay out late doing homework with a group, or blow her plans off because of something I felt was more important. I did a lot of things similar to this. Before college we lost our home to the economy and to be honest my laziness and alcoholism contributed to this. I have never been the best husband or father.

Her and I started out really great. She exceeded my needs and I thought I did hers as well. After our first child, things started slowing down and I didn't feel like my needs were being met. I started to withdraw and chose to look at her as the reason. I blamed her for a lot. The fact of the matter was that I wasn't happy. It started a cycle. She would come to me complaining about something, I would blow right back with problems that I was holding in because I didn't see her complaints as being an issue. She would get madder and so would I. When the fight (never physical) was over after a compromise or solution was founded. I felt happy that we came to a consensus and life continued. All was great and "I knew what to do". FIX IT! I would start helping out around the house and spending more time with her. As soon as I saw that I wasn't getting help or that my needs were going unanswered, I stopped. "Why should I when she isn't". I know all of these things were tearing our marriage apart. I can see that now.

The final straw was half a year ago when both of us was drunk and I got jealous of some guy at the bar. I said somethings I shouldn't have and we had a good fight until she brought our angle son into the fight. I had a lot of built up grief, the alcohol, and the fight in progress lead to something I will regret for the rest of my life. I grabbed a hold of her arms pretty tightly and left bruises. I also forced her to sit down and talk to me. I really don't need anyone telling me how bad of a person I am. I already know. She told me she wanted a divorce that night. I convinced her and I to seek counseling after that. I convinced her that I would change. Or at least this is what I was lead to believe. We started seeing a councilor, and either A) she wasn't that great, or B) My wife never took it seriously enough and it wound up hurting more than it helped. Sure for the first couple of months, our marriage looked like it was starting to turn around. Then my wife goes to the bar again and meets new people (guys), and I get jealous again. I start seeing her as trying to hide things from me and her conversations on her phone. So I start snooping. I see things that are normally harmless as threatening. Before I let my jealousy control me, I tell her what I have done and what I found and apologized. I asked her to tell her friend to chill out with some of the love quotes and chain letters. They were offending me because I saw them threatening. I thought the conversation ended well, yet the further the night went on... not so much.

Either way, the next night she asked for a divorce again and it destroyed my world. Ever since then, I have researched and read books. I have found the lord and trying to become active with my church. I have started placing her every need and emotion in front of my own. I am doing things now for her that would normally drive me mad, because I receive no love or attention or receive my needs, but this actually makes me happy to do them. I am keeping the kids up, cleaning the house, and making sure that every want or need of my wife is taken care of. I am enjoying the work. It gives me purpose.

Now that all that was said (and I'm sure I have left other stuff out), she has told me that she is to the breaking point and she doesn't want to fix it. She gets aggravated when I try to talk to her, I convinced her to see a councilor again, but all his suggestions are pointless to her. She will tell him one thing and do the opposite. She has told me that she sees my change but it pisses her off that it has taken me this long to do so. I am constantly following her around. I am constantly getting jealous over this "friend" she keeps hanging out with and texting. The councilor stated that we should be in a secret free house, and yet I feel like there are more now than ever. One of the tasks that we were assigned was to read "His Needs Her Needs" together. She won't. I am lost I have no idea what to do. I still have hope that this marriage can one day be better than ever. I have seen the errors in my ways. But she doesn't want to fix it. What do I do?

Oh I might add, her nor I have ever dealt with infidelity. I can't really say that I haven't thought of it. I guess it was part circumstance and part that I never found someone that I could relate to or be intimate with like my wife. All and all, she is the love of my life. Over the years, even through the hard times, she was my inspiration and my guidance. I just couldn't see myself with anyone else.

I don't see any hope till alcohol is entirely excluded. Is that happening?

Also - I find it tremendously uncaring that you apologize (!) and do nothing when your wife trawls bars for men and texts a boyfriend.

Your counsellor hasn't vetoed this behaviour, because well, most marriage counsellors are useless - but I would expect a caring husband to put a stop to it.

What did you find with your snooping?

I don't see why you have eliminated infidelity as an issue in your marriage. Have you read in His Needs Her Needs about how the love bank works?

I'd pick up Dr Harleys book Surviving An Affair. Here are the birds and the bees: Your wife has closed her love bank to you. Don't stop plan A-ing your wife. At the very least your wife is having emotional affairs with these guys she is seeking out. Don't take her trolling for men casually. You say she calls and writes these guys and you get jealous and upset. Most husband's would get upset if their wife was going to a bar, getting drunk, flirting with other men, maintaining intimate in various communications. You have a right to ask her to stop and protect you from this behavior. You don't have a right to abuse her over it. You likely need couching help here to help you through. Are you still drinking? Frankly neither of you are fit for marriage if alcohol is your lover.

Hello Man, welcome to Marriage Builders. A couple of questions first. Are you married? How long married and how many kids? How old are your kids?

Who is this "friend" your wife is texting and what do you know about him? Is he married?

And are either of you alcoholics?

Thank you to both of you. Alcohol is no longer an issue in my life. I have been sober on my own accord for the last 3 months, because I saw this as the root of the issue. For her? It is a building problem. She use to hex drinking and everything that was involved in it. Now she embraces it and sees it as a way for her to get away. To be honest, some of my drinking habits were due to her smoking pot. She would complain that I couldn't drink yet she would smoke dope. So I rebelled. Am I saying this is right? No. But she has stop smoking when I quit drinking.

Our entire marriage has been similar to the things I spoke of. I have never controlled her. If she wanted to do something, I would offer my opinion but left the decision to her. If she wanted to go to the bar, I felt comfortable with her going, because I knew her friends and I knew she was always coming home to me. Not now though. She has stated several times in the past month "I WILL go to the bar every Friday. That is my reward, a way to get away, and way to unwind." I don't condone it. I have asked to go with her. She has stated that she wants time to herself away from me. I know what she is doing and I know that she is having an emotional affair with some of the people she speaks with. I don't know how to stop it or how to open her heart back up. I am lost.

Some of the messages I have read were rather meaningless, but could be construed. I have actually spoken to the guy that sent them and asked him to stop. He has, but they still talk and reasonable content. The other guy that I get jealous over in her eyes "Just a friend". His questions from texts are "How was your day?", "Whats going on?", "Are you going to the bar tonight?". Simple things like this that she is rather quick to answer, even if I'm sitting next to her. The main reason I get jealous over this, is because my messages will go unanswered 3 or 4 in a row.

A recent development: She has started lying to me. Stupid things though. "I have to get off the phone, I'm driving on I-65 and it is crazy." Yet she pulls up into the yard talking on the phone with her favorite cousin. Then I talk to her cousin and she says, yeah she calls me as soon as she gets off work and we talk all the way home. I confronted her about that last night. She said, "Yeah because I want to talk to her and I don't want to talk to you." She said she would never go out on a Saturday night again and get drunk. This is because she doesn't want to use her hangover as an excuse to not go to church on Sunday. Guess what happened this weekend. She also decided to sleep over at her cousin's house that night. "I confirmed where she was at."

How do I get this behavior to stop and how do I get her to open her heart?

wow, this is such a mess one hardly knows where to start. The problem is a lifestyle that does not support marriage. First off, hanging out in bars and getting drunk is devastating to marriages. [as you know] It sounds like your wife is out looking for replacements for you and that is supported by her cousin and mother. That is a very hard environment to turn around, especially when you have a wife who is looking for action. I have no doubt she is having an affair and her cousin is covering up for her.

Would her mother help you if you uncovered this affair? Would she be of any help at all?

MelodyLane,

I am most certain that she is not having an affair. In fact I am positive. No I am not delusional nor in denial. If she is having an affair with me, it is the bar itself. She is shut down. She will talk to me in short periods and we get along for the biggest part. But I am not receiving any of my needs. She can't have sex for another 3 weeks anyway. She just had a hysterectomy due to endometriosis. If she was having an affair, her mother could help. She is a good woman. Her mother also goes to the bar with her. She tells me some of what goes on there. She also tells me that I don't need to be concerned with this other guy. "He's a loser and idiot."

Oh I am in constant contact with with her cousin and mother. They tell me things and some times they actually put in good words for me with my wife.

She is having an affair with this guy:


That is the guy she is having an affair with.

Let me get this straight. This "good woman" hangs out in bars with her daughter? How does that help her daughter, her daughters marriage or her grandchildren?

OK, ok. I see your evidence, but I assure you it is not like that.

Either way it goes, she is no longer emotionally attached to me. Her mother and cousin both told me, Because I just asked, that if their was an affair going on they would tell me to bounce and get a divorce. I still would not do that.

The problem is, she is so hung up on the past mistakes that I have made, she can't see any of the good that has become. She is done talking and when I ask her for 15 minutes it becomes a 2 hour, here is why I love you and why you should take me back.

Look I don't truly care for my mother-in-law, she is a lot of things that I despise, but she would never allow her daughter to have an affair. It was done to her and she rejects the notion. The bar seen is something that my family and her's grew up in. It is nothing really new. I saw it as a problem so I quit going. I don't drink anymore.

Reread this sentence. Do you hear yourself?

Putting aside the obvious bad quality of cheating...a lot of APs are losers and idiots who a person wouldn't normally associate with. That doesn't mean anything.

An affair is not sex. It is emotional and inappropriate contact.

Which you have seen proof of!

And of course OM is a loser. He chases married women. They are all losers.

It will still destroy your marriage and your wife is still hanging out in bars with the loser rather than with you!

While you have to rely on winning this contest with a 'good word' thrown in occasionally.

Good grief. My mother would have me dragged home by my hair.

There's no way to get her to open her heart to you while she has another man to confide in. It's far easier for her to turn to him.

Her love bank remains closed to you while he is around. You could become super-perfect husband of the year. She will just ignore any improvements and continue to lean on him.

Your only hope is to bust it up. But to do that you have to pull your head out of the sand.

I mean, a grown woman sleeping over at her cousins? Do me a favour.

This guy is their drinking buddy. They are covering up her affair.

If you were her only love interest and hope she would be FAR more interested in the improvements you are making - but her focus is elsewhere.