I have been married for 23 years to a woman who I truly love. When I get stressed I tend to withdraw, which tends to make her withdraw, and if it lasts long enough of course she doesn't feel that "connection" anymore and begins to question our relationship. I don't feel connected either, but in me it provokes a response of giving her hyper-attention (which in her detached state makes her feel smothered and uncomfortable). She has recently told me that she just loves me "as a friend" and can't figure out why or how it happened. I told her she is not only my friend but my best friend. Her companionship and friendship is worth as much to me as her more wifely attributes, but I'm not so certain it is reciprocated. She hasn't asked to separate or so much as talked about "steps" but at the same time she hasn't given me reason to believe she is willing to work on our marriage again. This cycle has happened more than once in the 23 years and brought us to the brink a few times already. I am a very sensitive person, sometimes overly so, and I tend to internalize and run scenarios in my head when I am worried about my marriage. This behavior doesn't help me or my marriage but I find it hard to cull. What I really need is to know she is committed to our marriage, but she is not forthcoming with that. I am currently in a bit of a limbo state and stressed out. I cannot (nor would I want to) force my wife to try as I want to. I only want her to stay with me because she really wants to, not because of guilt or apathy or anything else. We obviously have old issues that have not been properly dealt with when we decided to move forward last time. My wife has a tendency to put off or deflect instead of meeting things head on. I am the type of person who always rips off the band-aid. I want to achieve resolution but I do understand that I can't do that at the expense of my wife's well-being. I am left praying and hoping that she will give us another chance. I cannot do it on my own.

Well you have come to the right place. These guys and gals here will take good care of you, if you will listen to them. It sounds to me, that at the very least your wife is having an Emotional Affair(EA), because someone else is meeting her emotional needs. Does she work? Do you have access to her phone and email? I would suggest getting familiar with the material on this website, and then with the help of the veterans on this sight, you can build a marriage that will be what both you and your wife want.

You need to start looking into what your wife is doing behind the scenes of your marriage.(Snooping)� You will get lots of good advice on here on what exactly to do, but I for one would start with her phone. Don�t just look at what is on her phone, but look at your phone bill, and look for numbers that she has been calling or texting a lot.

I'm a very good digital snoop because of my job. My wife doesn't seem to have a relationship with anyone outside the family. She does lean heavily on her siblings, though. 90% of the calls not to me are to her sister, brother, and mother. Same with texts. She has upped the minutes spent talking with her sister greatly in the last month.

What about people at work? Is there someone there she could be involved with? Have you looked around for a secret second phone?

I would put a voice activated recorder in her car to see what she is saying.

She is currently unemployed and doing online classes from home. We had what I consider a good talk last night without getting defensive or pointing fingers. I really don't think she is involved with anyone else from how she talked and what she said. I think she is just very sad that things have taken a bad turn again and really contemplating whether or not it is worth it to her to build it up again when history keeps repeating itself. She admits that she is as much to blame as I because of behaviors, but that only makes her more uneasy. I am in it regardless and I told her as much. I will do what it takes, but I can't do it for the both of us. We had a good cry but that's not the end of the matter for sure. She still has to make up her mind about our future together. I ensured her that we can both get back to a wonderful place if we put in the effort and most importantly time together. I also suggested we get some private and couples counseling and she seemed receptive. For all I know she could just be putting me off, but I have to move forward giving her the benefit of the doubt. She seems sincere and I do know her well after 23 years.

Because you withdraw from her.


I assume you withdraw from her or she likely feels she can't talk to you since you can be overly sensitive.


This is a direct contradiction to you saying you withdraw and can be overly sensitive. You labeled your wife a conflict avoider but it seems to me that you are the conflict avoider not her.

Welcome to MB

Do you spend UA time together? Do you date your wife? Are you meeting her ENs?

Texan, in your first post, you mentioned that when you get stressed, you tend to withdraw. It seems to me that both of you need to work on better meeting each other�s emotional needs. Start familiarizing yourself with Dr. Harley�s material on this website. Another great resource, is the books His Needs Her Needs, and Lover busters. I think once you start to understand some of the concepts that Dr. Harley teaches, you will begin to see areas that both of you have been lacking in. Learn all you can about how the love bank works, and how you can improve on filling hers.

The reason I originally mentioned that you should snoop, is because from what you said originally, it seems as though she has started to check out of the marriage, which usually happens when someone else begins to fill her �Love Bank��.. Has she said anything along the lines of �I love you, but I am not in love with you anymore�? If she is unemployed, and doing online classes, it makes me wonder if she is contacting someone online? You should install a keylogger, so you can see her online activities while you are at work. In the meantime, you need to do everything you can to show her that you can meet her needs, and that you are willing to put in the work to build a better, and more romantic marriage.

Absolutely. I so get that. I used selfish rec time (gaming, tv, activities that didn't include her) to the extreme and it has been an ongoing problem for me over the years. Then I try to overcompensate but by then she is not necessarily open to receiving it. I don't think she trusts me, and I really can't blame her. I have let her down so many times.


TBH I think we are both guilty of it. We both procrastinate serious talks. I usually initiate them though probably much later than I should. I can't take all the blame but I don't disagree with your assessment either.

The short answer is no, obviously. I try to always be affectionate but we don't always get lots of "dating" style time together. We do stuff together but I know it's not the same. I have really let the romance go and right now I can't just bring it back all of a sudden. She even questioned why I was "all of a sudden" being more attentive and affectionate when we talked the other day. I can't really defend myself I've been a tool.

No. She has said that she feels more friendship with me right now. She said that because of the distance we've created she finds it hard to feel any passion for me and it makes her incredibly lonely. I told her that I was not doing my job as a husband and I hope she will open her heart to allowing me to try. I have to continue to give her the time, love, and affection she needs and hope it sparks something inside her.

It sounds like you are on the right track. I would still advise to look into any potential background disturbance, because if she is in contact with another man, either on the internet, or any other way, then it will be impossible for you to begin to meet her needs. If there is someone else, then her love bank will be closed off to you, and nothing you do can make love deposits, until the other person is out of the picture.

She has said nothing specific? Would she agree to this program? Four four hour dates out of the house meeting the ENs of affection and conversation in a fun environment would get her love bank back no worries if there is no competition.

You said this has happened before?

Unfortunately, yes. I have struggled with what amounts to addiction-type behaviors (mostly involving online video gaming) to manage and distract my stressors. I know that I need to get some counseling to get at the root of what drives me to these selfish behaviors. It has been a thorn in the side of our marriage off and on throughout our marriage.

Maybe just - stop doing it? Get your recreation needs met by your wife?

Sitting around yakking about how you've sidelined her is not going to get the job done and get her back in love with you. Start scheduling dates. Don't do anything without her enthusiastic approval.

I take it all gaming stuff is already out of the house?

I have ceased all gaming activity, yes. I will have to be patient with my wife. She is still mulling this all over in her head and wants some time to process everything. She wants to continue to talk, and perhaps I can integrate that talking in a date environment, but I'll have to just play it by ear for now I suppose.

Just a question for those in this forum who have successfully done it. Can a marriage go all the way from "friend love" back to a romantically fullfilling one? I am more than willing to put in the time even if everything fails because my marriage and family are everything to me. I am just low on hope right now.

Some of us have taken our marriages from the level of hate all the way back to romantic. That's what this program is designed to do.

Well I can tell this effects my wife still. So it is not apathy. Thanks so much for the encouragement. It will really help down the road if she decides to give us a chance again. I will report when and if anything happens but in the meantime the materials and people here have been inspiring.

We have been married for 35 years and our marriage was okay, then awful, then okay, but now, because we both followed MB for the past four years, our marriage is way better than it ever has been! We have a very romantic, passionate, safe marriage now.

And you're in the prime position of drawing your wife back to you. It's much easier for the husband to woo his wife back using MB than it is for a wife to draw her husband back to her.