I suggest you tell him the full truth. He needs to be told there has been a couple of AFFAIRS, the definition of adultery, how hurt you are and the full names of the OM. Please don't be vague or grossly philosophical because that just makes the confusion worse.

Did you listen to the clips in here?

I talked to my son and it was way more awkward than I even assumed. He was very quiet and didn't have much to say in response. The only question he asked is "is mama leaving?" to which I told him no. She has no plans to leave. Since then he has been normal with me and with his mother. I am suddenly dealing with some anger. Mostly because 2 weeks ago I was 100% blaming myself for my marriage problems and now I know it was another man between us, not my gaming or other issues. My wife knew it too and yet allowed me to torture myself while she was still engaged in utter fantasy. I will not point any of this at her, but I do have to deal with the feelings it has stirred up.

Simply state that mom's/dad's when they are married do not have BF's/GF's and go on dates with them. Well mom has a BF and is going on dates with the, insert the OM's name. This is known as having an affair.

No reason to do a birds and bees story. No reason to say mom is banging the OM.

So, do you know for a fact that she is not leaving?

If she does, will that make his current perception feel any better, after the fact?

I feel a better, and more responsible truthful answer would have been that you are trying everything you can to not let that happen, but as long as his Mama is dating another man, then what she winds up doing is out of both of your hands.

As it is now, he's treating her just as if nothing will happen due to her choices, rather than him asking her why she is doing what she is doing.

You can still further inform him that this POSOM is harming his Family AND Your Marriage and encourage him to be honest with His Mama on how much that hurts Him.

Right now, Mama is feeling no repercussions and will not see how she is hurting her little boy.

LTL

Are you ready to follow a plan?

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.

Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

I agree.
Tell him that Mom is going on dates with OM, and tell him OM's name.
Your 10-year-old needs to know that the trouble in his family is NOT his fault. Kids unnecessarily assume responsibility if they are "protected" from the truth.
No need to explain the birds and the bees. Keep it as simple as possible.
My son is 10, and I would tell him, if i were in your situauion now, "Moms and Dads do not have boyfriends and girlfriends."

I'm so pleased he is asking you questions. Encourage him to keep doing so. With both of you.

Following the plan:

My wife has revealed the details of the affair, I have confirmed by looking at phone logs.

My wife made a promise not to contact him again in any manner.

The night I caught her I told her she had to break it off immediately, and I had to watch her do it. Since she sent the message, he has not sent a text, email, or called.

Since she only contacted him on 1 cell number ever. I have blocked that number from calls and texts. I ask her verbally and follow up by looking for myself and as I stated previously there has been no contact that I can find.

She texts me during the day while I am at work to let me know where she is and what she is doing. I am still monitoring her call logs. Unfortunately I have to actually form request text logs, which I have done. No numbers unknown to me were on the text logs, and the OM's number was not on either after the night of the confrontation.

I watch our account anyway because I am the only one working and things are tight. She hasn't spent money on anything suspicious.

We still eat together every night. We talk, we watch tv. We are good roommates, nothing more.

I am trying to be as positive as I can. I am not bringing up our marriage or the affair constantly. I am losing weight and trying to get healthier. I am being more aware of my appearance. I am spending all my time with her or my son, no selfish pursuits whatsoever. We did go to the Winter Jam concert together and we all very much enjoyed it. I have bought tickets to take her to a few local venues for music. We have booked a weekend (with friends) to go away to a lakehouse with our son.

OK - some great stuff there Texan but I see some fatal gaps.


Did you ever find out who this guy was and expose him? For all you know he is really gym guy and she is still seeing him every day

She should be willing to send a proper NC letter as it is phrased in SAA. Don't tell her you will also be using his name and address to expose him.

A woman who has had this many affairs unnoticed hasn't been doing it on her cards and regular cell phone. Look for burner phones in the car etc.

NC is a fantastic safeguard with one time cheats - but it only prevents resumption with that one person. Your wife is addicted to affairs rather than a specific person. Dr H advocates spending 24 hours a day together in that scenario, opening a business together or working from home. You most certainly should have a keylogger she knows nothing about on your devices.

How are you going to prevent her going to the gym and having affairs? Even if you activate the GPS on her phone, she would still be able to simply go there without it.

I'll eat my hat if she's told you the truth about OM. The message she sent him was a clear warning. She was telling him to save himself and perhaps take the A underground using burner phones.

It's far more likely she met him at the gym (where she did NOT want you to be) than on a plane.

From the call and text logs I know where the guy lives, and it is not in my city nor even state.

In the end if she is willing to spend this much time and energy to have an affair that won't last, and is not willing to work on our marriage which could indeed last, then I am done. She will make her decisions and I will make mine. I can't keep on trying to save something that she is intent on killing and honestly I don't know if I even have the energy or willpower to do so if it were possible at this point. I know this is the plan that works, and I will do as much as I can to keep to the guidelines and initiate it, with or without her cooperation.

Not true, you can get a cellphone number with any area code you want. That tells you absolutely nothing. For that matter you can have a landline line phone via VoIP or Google Voice and pick your area code there too. I even have a UK number in NY.

So can you trace him using that number or get his identity from your wife?



She could be very willing indeed to affair proof the marriage. She seems amenable. But you need to check!

Otherwise it could go underground and you wont know for a couple of years - like your last false recovery.

Also, because it's an addiction, it's not really so much a 'decision' to spend time and energy on an affair as something that will happen unless she puts time and energy into NOT having one.

If someone flirts with her online or at the gym, she will be far more susceptible than most - even if she woke up planning on lifelong fidelity. It's like an alcoholic needing to avoid alcohol.





Recovering with a serial cheat is no mean feat and you don't have to rebuild with her by any means. But don't plan to do 'some' of it or 'most' of it unless you want another Dday. Do it all or file for a D.

This is the thing I have been thinking long and hard upon. Do I really want a marriage where I have to worry about this sort of thing constantly? I want to be a loved (and loving) husband, not a warden or keeper. Until she actually acknowledges that she has such a problem, there can be no healing or dealing with the problem.

You need to find out who the OM is and expose on his side. What if he's married and has an unsuspecting betrayed wife?

Also, your WW needs to change all her contact information. Has she done this?

Did you read the NC text she sent?

Oh no she doesn't need to acknowledge it all - just agree to your requirements. A lot of the snooping she wouldn't even be aware of.

But yeah, you would need to be by her side pretty much constantly. It's not just serial cheats who live like that though. The Harleys are together all day every day and share a phone. If you listen to them on the radio you can hear how much good that's done them and how they have become best friends through it.

If you and your wife will both follow the plan here, you will not have to worry about these things constantly.

But you are not following the plan. She has not revealed the identity of the OM, and she hid a bunch of detais from you by deleting them immediately.

If you are not going to follow the plan, then I suggest that you see an attorney today and arrange a quick divorce, and then break off contact with your wife. Nobody would question your right to end your marriage. But if you want to keep your marriage, you need to get more information so you can follow the plan.