Hi, I wanted somewhere to vent my story and get some advice! This is a long one.....

I have been with my husband for nearly 9 years, married just over 2 years -no children (he has 1 from previous relationship)

Our relationship to me seemed fine, loving, affectionate, regular sex life, mutual friends, socialising etc. spent time together, in fact we are really quite lovey Dovey with eacother, always hugging, kissing etc we rarely row, the odd bickering about hoovering but nothing major, we have independence from each other too- go out with our own friends, no jealousy, no reason ( or so I thought) to distrust each other, I really though we had a happy balanced marriage!

I had my suspicions about OW who he worked with over a year ago when I found unnesscary lengthy regular calls on his phone bill and he started being very secretive with his phone, not letting it out of his sight, on silent etc etc, I confronted him, he denied anything was happening, their just friends, her mum was ill with cancer and he was just helping her talk to someone, I believed him, after all things seemed so good at home so I was confident he would never cheat.

I found out nearly 3 months ago he was having an affair. I decided to put a voice recorder in the car as he kept going to his "friends" house 2-3 evenings a week and going out with him on weekends. I just had this gut feeling - cliche I know but so true. This friend I know of but not in our social circle so he knew I would never see him to check up on his story. And then I heard the crap on the recording, the "I love you" not in a desperate way but more in a natural way like when your saying bye to someone your in a relationship with- like the way he says it to me when we leave for work.i Heard details of their planned weekend away together. I confronted him, he said he only slept with her once blah blah and he was never gonna go away blah blah

Anyway I called her, she told me they had been seeing each other for a few months, they had been going out together - the odd drink, cinemas bite to eat, for about 6 months but things started getting more "intense" ( her words) over the past 2 months or so.

he had told her we were separated for nearly a year!!!and he's asked me for a divorce but I won't give it to him! She believed him, he went out with her and her friends and they referred to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend! Whilst I was away for work he had bought her to our house to "prove" he didn't live there- hid all his clothes from the closet, took all our wedding pics down, removed all traces of himself! He admitted he did all this, said he's sorry, isn't going to leave me, doesn't want a divorce etc etc

Here's where it turns in to more of a mess- he is still in contact with her and convincing her that I'm mad, lying and he's not with me! She believes it - I spoke to her and told her otherwise but now she has blocked me. And he is denying it and saying he has not had any contact with her.
I have seen messages from her, ones saying she is on her way to meet him etc etc. I have shown him these messages, he deletes them in front of my face and says they didn't say that and it's not her! I have told him I'm not stupid, he gets all defensive and insists I haven't seen what I've seen. Blazing rows follow but he never backs down.

After some more snooping I found out the affair started 9 months after we married, she knew we were together then, lasted about 5 months, she got pregnant, had abortion an called off the affair. He denies all this- I got this from his what's app back up on the laptop - he refuses to read it and says he never sent it. Don't get me wrong I'm not believing it one bit- I know what I saw- but I have given up rowing about it because he continues to deny.

Anyway a few months past and they got in contact again - this is where he duped her in to believing he was now separated - which she still believes.they were "dating" for about 6 months again before I found out.

His attitude now is still lies. I know they speak everyday - I have been putting voice recorders at home when I'm not there. He only goes out 1 evening a week for a few hours- I know it's to meet her. I've heard the phone calls.

Of course I want to give things a go but all this BS and lying to my face when he deep down knows I know is wearing thin. He just won't admit it.

I don't know- is it the Affair fog, is he secretly planning to run off with her, or is he gonna carry on regardless and she's "waiting for his divorce to go through" that's why she is content with only seeing him now once a week ??

All the advise says confront with evidence - I have but he still denies!! I will never get the truth

I have tried to kick him out, he won't go, insists he is not seeing her, I haven't seen anything blah blah

The shouting has got so bad the neighbours have called the police! No physical violence has happened.

Since I found out he hasn't really done anything to prove himself, still keeps his phone on silent, changes the pin regularly. he has said sorry a few times, then when I find the messages he says he only wants to be with me, then it all goes crazy cos he then deletes it and says he is not contacting her'! This sends me in to a rage! I have told him to get out, I'm no fool, ff off etc etc but he. Doesn't go.

Around me he is not overly loving like he used to be throughout the affair, but he is affectionate in the way he kisses me hello, goodbye, hugs etc when I come home from work/ leave etc. he won't talk about it when I try and approach the subject calmy, saying you know I've seen the messages, I'm not stupid, you need to stop all contact or there's no hope for us. He then gets defensive, denies, goes silent - it a vicious circle.
It's as if he wants to pretend everything is normal.

I'm now trying the 180 plan, just started past 2 days, whilst secretly collecting enough recordings and waiting to follow him and confront them face to face. The reason I'm doing this is because I know the only way he will admit he is seeing her still is when I see them face to face. Me seeing messages and showing him isn't enough! At this point I will go straight to plan B and no contact - kick him out.

And I'm doing the recordings to see if I hear anything of a "plan" they may have - who knows she may now know he's at home but he has convinced her he's divorcing and they will rekindle everything seriously once it goes through - don't know how when he hasn't filed - I've offered a divorce if he wants to be with her but he refused. Again I think I will go straight to plan b if I hear this and play the recording as proof.

I have also asked him untold times to call her in front of me and tell the truth - he refuses and says he wants no contact with her. We all know that's BS

I know if anyone else found out, friends, family, he would be so ashamed and embarrassed, I think he has slight narcissism. This makes me think- he doesn't want to end it with her, is planning a secret runaway, keeping me "sweet" so I don't expose them and ruin their plan.

Or he is so embarrassed at duping her and her finally realising he is not the Mr nice perfect guy she thought, he is keeping up the pretence with her hoping she will get bored and give up?

I think I am even more p!ssed off that she is out there thinking I don't exist in his life and truly believes he's her "man"!!!

God knows what's going on, am I wasting my time even trying?!

Or, just to add, is he just a psycho and I never knew??!

MaryP16,

Gather all the evidence you have put them in a secure place, then expose both of them to their parents, grandparents, siblings, children, relatives places of worship, work, clubs etc. Go to their linkedin facebook etc, pay the 1.00 for the facebook message to go to their INBOX

Don't yell or fight, don't warn or threaten, do this all at once and completely, cool as 007, if they find out they will paint you as a crazy wife, get in the first strike.

You may be married to a chronic liar.

God Bless
Gamma

Thanks gamma,

This is why I have decided to do the 180 approach - to stay cool and calm so he doesn't know I'm gathering evidence. Then when I have enough I will find them together, ( tracker on the car now) expose to their parents and lock him out. He doesn't have any social networking sites, they communicate through what's app and he now never calls her - he messages her to call him.

I'm a bit scared of exposing because I have previously told him I will tell his sister ( someone he respects) and he goes mad saying " watch what will happen" I think he may get physical if I do it- he hadn't before but it's almost as if he has gone from Mr nice guy to Mr crazy overnight

Hi Mary, welcome to Marriage Builders. The affair has gone on for a very long time so it will be harder to bust up. My suggestion would be to expose the affair wide and far and then separate from your husband. Staying with him under these conditions harms you emotionally and physically and makes you look less attractive to him. It is better to leave or get him to leave until the affair dies. But I would first expose to everyone. Please go read my exposure thread linked in my signature.

If your husband does end his affair and you decide to reconcile, we can help you recover your marriage. The first thing we would help you with is your unhealthy, independent lifestyles. Your independent lifestyles are destructive to marriage. But we can help you turn that around.

You have enough evidence right now to expose, so I would not delay any longer. The "180 approach" does not work with our plan. We don't believe in it, and don't advocate it because it doesn't work.

And that is ok to be "scared" to expose. We all were too. If you want to make it, you have to put aside your fears and take action. Fear will not save your marriage.

]
Our goal is to save your marriage, not to avoid his anger at all cost. If you think he will harm you, then I would be sure and stay in a safe place after you expose.

With no children and ^^^this, I would expose the affair to his family, your family and friends and file for divorce ASAP. Sorry but cheating almost your entire marriage and getting OW pregnant in addition to the crazy lengths he is going to gaslight you, I would cut my losses and get away from this sick man.

Thanks for your responses guys. I have enough evidence that I've seen to know myself the truth but because he denies its like his word against mine. I need physical evidence to show/ play to people- so far the recordings I have are him on the phone to her however he hasn't said nothing "incriminating" as such, just general chit chat and as its on the phone I can only hear what he is saying. I've put a recorder in the car now so I know at some point he will pick her up and I will be able to hear them both in the car. I have to be a bit patient to get this evidence but I know I will get it in the next week or so.

Black_raven I know you are right- he is a sick man. I should just go straight for divorce but it just feels like 9 years of my life has gone down the drain and I feel I should see what happens after exposure before making the final decision.
We have been living together for 5 years so feels like we have been married for that long rather than just 2 years.

With regards to me leaving- I refuse. We are joint owners of our place, and I am the higher earner so contribute slightly more to the upkeep of the house. I don't want to move out and be paying towards a roof over his head that he will bring her back to like its a bachelor pad- I made that Home and she will not benefit from it. He needs to go and I know the only way is for me to see them face to face so he cannot deny it then and I have a reason (I know I have many already) but a concrete reason I've seen and he can't run away from to get him out.

They say men stray because they are not getting their needs met- but I don't know what needs they are because when I found out he has said its nothing to do with me, it's him, he doesn't know why because i do everything for him, he feels depressed having troubles at work, and he spoke to her when he knows he should have spoken to his wife.

Maybe that's why, I do too much for him and he's turned in to a spoilt brat.

I will see them together, and go straight to her family to let them know. Lock him out that night and tell his. I don't want my family to know yet - it's too much for them right now ( we have had a death in the family my mum is dealing with and I don't want to cause her more grief- she absolutely adores my husband who has actually supported her through this time. I also feel if I tell my family they will hate him so much that reconciliation will be impossible.

Also is it a common reaction for him to get so angry and defensive when faced with evidence and still deny it? Is there any hope for people who react this way?

Yes of course he will be angry. All waywards are. Expose anyway.

I would use a more strategic approach in your exposure and use the methods on the exposure thread. Just going to his family and telling them is good, but is not enough. The affair should be exposed to her family and your family. Your family would not "adore" him if they knew what he was doing. And you should not enable him like that. It hurts you both for you to cover up for him.

As far as separation, whether he moves out or you move out, separation should take place. Hanging around as his option makes you look much less attractive to him and is devastating to your mental and physical health.

Its textbook. Its addiction behaviour and will persist until the affair ends.

Please stop talking to his affair partner. You've given her far too much credence. A woman knows where her boyfriend lives and with whom.

You sound like a fellow Brit? Welcome to MB.

Exposure is needed urgently. It is not 'your word against his' it is the truth and will become apparent to anyone who cares to look. You don't need to persuade a jury, you simply need to tell people what you know so they can understand his strange behaviour.

Your family can handle the truth...it is more lies and deception that will hurt them. How do you think your mother will feel when she finds out that you kept her in the dark and let her think that that WH was a good guy while he is causing you so much pain behind her back?





Your WH will have to make the choice to redeem himself and make amends. Every WS in a truly recovered marriage has had to take this step.


You are so afraid of losing this man that you are enabling his hurtful choices. Fear paralyzes and will end up trapping you in a life full of heartache. Don't sign up for that Mary.

No, even if you were in a coma he would not stray if his love bank were closed to other women. He allowed someone else to meet his needs.

The dopamine hit of romantic love (from two people!) is more addictive than crack cocaine.



You already have their confession. Evidence doesn't get better than that.

I too exposed during a bereavement. Please, please, please do not lie to or patronise your family at such a time. Just because your mum is dealing with a natural grief does not mean she cannot support you in yours.

Imagine how you would feel if you were excluded, or patronised with people witholding news, because you are going through an affair?

Your mother should not be left in the vulnerable position of false information - of continuing to trust an untrustworthy man.

Following exposure, (every target should be hit in 24 hours) your WH would need to agree to a series of measures if he is to stay.

Otherwise, change the locks and have his things sent on.

That you lived together before marriage...he was a renter and still is. Sorry but he was never a buyer.

I personally wouldn't spend more time getting evidence. You have plenty and WH outright stands there denying his affair to your face. That is way beyond gaslighting IMO.

Your own family wouldn't believe you? I don't know what to say about that. My family and friends know that when I tell them something it is the truth and would not doubt it. I understand you want to see how things play out...you have an emotional attachment and investment but as an objective onlooker, I don't see anything worth saving. You married a man who is bad marriage material and endlessly lies his butt off.

Your WH will have to make the choice to redeem himself and make amends. Every WS in a truly recovered marriage has had to take this step.


You are so afraid of losing this man that you are enabling his hurtful choices. Fear paralyzes and will end up trapping you in a life full of heartache. Don't sign up for that Mary.

[/quote]

We all thought this!

My ex never showed remorse - never came on board.

Yet my father, (who I expected violence from) still says he can't believe he didn't take the chances offered. Dad was initially was against recovery but when he saw how high my standards were - he approved of the recovery plan.

Plus there are many former waywards here. They have all made such impressive improvements they regained all former respect and more. They are amazing people who would scorn to do so under false pretences.

Plus you also don't get to decide what your family's opinion should be. I am sure they are very reasonable people who will simply want assurances you will be well treated.

Thanks guys

Indie girl- I am a fellow Brit!😜

I have spoken to the affair partner twice and haven't tried again. The thing is I know she believes him I'm crazy and he doesn't live with me and we are separated- I just want her to know the truth. Not for her benefit, but I can't take the thought she is out there labelling me as the crazy ex wife who is the one lying to try and get her man back! Ahhhhhhh!!!

You guys are right- I am afraid of losing him- I know I know you probably think I'm stupid, but everything still seems unbelievable at the moment.....I'm still in shock


If I have no evidence other than my word of what I've seen, surely they will both continue to label me as the lying crazy ex? This is why I need a recording of both of them together. Also I feel I need to prove at the same time he does actually live with me to her family, as she is so convinced he doesn't she will convince them- and of course they will believe there daughter over me. How can I do that?

I want to expose armed with evidence I can actually hand to people to see with their own eyes, especially to both their families. I know my family will believe me that's not a problem.

I'm defo going to expose but I just want to do it in a way where no one can question me cos I can hand them the proof, and without coming across as crazy and obsessed.

Forget about her mind set. The pair of them have the brains of a couple of drunks. Focus on exposing her.



But you are his wife, not his ex. The reaction will be 'if she's just a friend then why are you endangering your marriage for her?.'

If you want really good evidence then have them tailed by a PI while you set up your exposure plan. Don't take more than two days on this.

I really do think you are good to go though. Her family will already be wondering about her strange behaviour. Affairs change people (I bet your WHs eyes are different!).

Even if her family do believe her - she's now made it impossible to ever bring him home as a nice single boy because they've been rumbled and she denied him in shame. Not sexy

You're not really after belief. You don't know these people. You're ruining all prospects of the affair being respectable one day.

But actually, an affair is a very obvious thing to see once it is pointed out.

That's quite normal. Hugs.

I also wanted to point out that the affair partners are gas lighting you. They tell you over and over again that you are crazy or appear to be and that no one will believe you.

Over time the BS starts to believe this.

They only rehearsed that speech for you. They don't expect to explain themselves to a lot of people. The same defense wont work once EVERYONE knows.

At the end of the day, he leaves his mistress and goes home to his wife. The mistress knows he does.

His story is a house of cards.

Please read this.
Please Explain Gaslighting

Well, a person with a consience would be expected to show some guilt once discovered, not to tell you to your face that you haven't seen what you have seen a few seconds ago. That is pretty creepy.

Yes the gas lighting.....so frustrating.

It's not working on me, I know I'm not crazy and this is what they are doing, it just winds be up that they are both stupid enough to think it's working on me

I actually can't wait to expose them now, I'm actually looking forward to shaming then to their families. I know exposure isn't meant to hurt the WS but I don't care- I want them both to suffer the embarrassment and pain I have when their own families turn on them. I know the WS family will believe me and turn on him- good!

MaryP16,

You wrote, I actually can't wait to expose them now, I'm actually looking forward to shaming then to their families. I know exposure isn't meant to hurt the WS but I don't care- I want them both to suffer the embarrassment and pain I have when their own families turn on them. I know the WS family will believe me and turn on him- good!

You are under no obligation to lie for your WW or the OW.

Actually if you look at it, it's unbelievable how many spouses support their wayward spouses "right" to privacy, and keep thing quiet.

It's assumed that the betrayed spouse will hide in the house and die on the inside because of all they have to suppress. Serial cheaters and chronic liars rely upon the embarrassment of their spouses. It's what I call the reverse victimization of an affair. We don't suppress exposure of bank robbers in the news, and they just steal money, neither should we fail to expose those who cause such abuse and pain.

God Bless
Gamma

When will you be exposing?

Oh you'll be OK.

In thinking I will expose next week- I'm not putting it off- but i am staying at my mums this weekend and I want to expose to everyone at the same time and her family are a 45 min drive from where I live. Their telephone number is ex directory so I have to go in person.

I will update when I do it- thanks for your responses.

I'd leave recorders around the house, and in his car.

Oh - and copy her Facebook friends list into a word doc if you can.

She will likely block you or take down her page once she realizes what you are doing.

Oh - and copy her Facebook friends list into a word doc if you can.

She will likely block you or take down her page once she realizes what you are doing.

Hi just an update. I have just returned from staying at my mums, and am planning exposure.

I have spoken with WH sister today, someone who he respects greatly and told her everything. She will not say anything to WH until I have done full exposure and she is 100% behind me on this.

Now my plan is to expose on Friday night when I know he will most likely meet the OW at the pub. Because I know he is lying to OW about us being together, I wanted to go to the pub with WH sister to expose him to the OW- when she sees his sister who will confirm we are not seperated she will know I'm not the crazy ex he claims.

I also want to do those with his sister as I sm concerned about his anger when returning to the house after- so I want her to be their physically to feel a bit safe.

So that's my first step of exposure, followed immediately by exposing to his whole family with his sister. and then immediate FB message to her friends/family. The only people I won't be able to get to is OWs parents as I do not have a car until Monday to drive the 45 minutes to their house I don't have a phone number for them. I can do this on Monday- do you think that will still be effective?

Also how much info can you put in an fb message without her doing me for harassment?

What is taking so long, just do it! Particularly since the news is leaking out. All you need to do is get the truth out there in one day - not stage a show.

It's also not recommended you confront him or her. We've gone over this - they know they are having an affair! They also need to hear it from other people while you are not there.

I am very leery of your plan relying on his sister. Even if she is on your side she could easily lose her temper or remonstrate with him before you get round to expose.

Just give her OWs number and ask her to call her and oppose the A after exposure. That's far more effective than a pub showdown.

No that gives them loads of time to prepare a case against you first. Just do it NOW and ask a supporter to give you a lift up there.



Harassment involves contacting someone repeatedly - you won't be contacting OW at all and her friends just the once.

It also involves threats etc. It isn't against the law to tell the truth civilly in any free country. Just avoid insults and threats - the template exposure letters are your guide.

You are FAR more likely to get into legal trouble during the pub showdown where the witnesses will disagree. With written exposure you have a record of what was said.

x 2

You seem very hung up on letting the OW know that you and WH are together...why? OW are dumb and will believe what they want to believe. Don't try to control OW's stupidity. It is irrelevant what OW thinks.

By going to a Pub or Bar to "Confront" your Wayward Husband and his OW, you will be tipping them off to the probability of further Exposures.

You NEED for them to get broadsided without ANY prior notice.

The OW may or may not give a darn if you are still with your WH. She really DOES NOT CARE.

What can happen in a drinking environment when you back them into a corner?

That setting IS NOT APPROPRIATE!!!

Let the Exposure Target contact them. THAT is how Exposure destroys the Fantasy Secret Second Lifestyle AND the Affair.

Taking your S-I-L along I is a BAD idea. Use her for support. Instruct her to voice her disgust and outrage in his current behavior. Have her let it be known that the PISOW will NEVER b err welcome in her presence. But, on her own, not with you in tow.

LTL

Yes it will be far more effective to have her family confront OW and ask her why she is being so purposely dumb.

OW would believe his sister is crazy too if she gets to keep the A going.

Thanks guys

Your right I am hung up on her knowing the truth - I really can't take the fact that she really thinks I'm the crazy ex who won't let go. I'm worried that this is what everyone else will think when I expose. I really want to get this right and not come across as the bitter ex trying to get revenge. I will post my draft FB message shortly

After exposure what do you suggest I di? Go to plan b and kick him out? Even though I don't think he will leave. How do I deal with the aftermath of the angry WH especially if we are in the same house?

Mary, you don't need to compete with the trash. OW thrive on competing. You tell the truth, and let her accept the ramifications.

Do not let yourself be drawn into a pissing match over him. You're his wife, there is no contest.

Dr. Harley recommends plan B after six weeks or less, for women. You've known 3 months. Personally I'd recommend now, you've got a cake eater H and you/ow are fighting over him. I think for your sake, plan B.

Ok does anyone know if FB messaging works the same in the UK.? I have never seen a payment option to avoid the message going to spam

Are you sending the PM's from a PC? It doesn't work if you it on a mobile device.

Ok, I will have to do it from work as I've only got an iPad at home.

How can I do plan B if he won't move out?we are joint owners so he is within his legal rights to not leave.i know he won't go - I will try, and will enlist the help of his family to get him out, but if he doesn't go how can I do plan B? Is it even possible whilst living in the same home?

If you're on an iPad, visit Facebook in Safari and tap the menu in the top right corner. Scroll to the bottom and tap the Desktop Site link.

Plan B cannot be implemented while living together.

Worrying what some skank thinks of you doesn't even make your to do list. Be strategic.

If he isn't willing to end his affair, he will probably go off to comfort OW.That's when you change the locks.

If he stays in the house to rant and rave just ignore him and treat him like he's drunk. You could say you need him to leave because your family are coming over to comfort you. That should get him out long enough to change the locks.

My ex is still a joint owner!

He will get his cut, but it is no longer his home. He isn't welcome here.

If he wants his half he can see a lawyer who will tell him he has very few rights and he will have to wait for a property settlement.

Here is the fb exposure I was going to send- what do you think?

Dear all,

For those who don't know me I am the wife of Xxxxx xxx- the man xxxx xxxx has been having affair with.

I feel I need to let her friends and family know has been happening, as I have given her every opportunity to walk away from this mess but unfortunately she is still willing to have an affair with a married man. I think it's only fair to warn those of you who are married you need to be careful of her around your husbands as she obviously doesn't value people's marriages.

Obviously she will probably deny this as no doubt now people know she will be ashamed, or maybe even convince you that she thought he was separated and play the innocent victim. However if anyone would like me to send them proof just let me know, I have their what's app message history of her stating that she is his "pregnant mistress" and she wants him to leave his wife, I also have recordings of her with him in my car, getting "physical" to put it politely and discussing their "future" together and planning holidays.

As for proof of me and my husband not being separated, and living together- I think the marriage certificate we have in place says that all.

I have spoken to her and advised that she is interfering in a marriage she knows nothing about, and basing her future on a life with a married man who has never been separated or asked for a divorce. And until this day refuses a divorce or to leave our home. unfortunately that is a situation only I can deal with, it would be a lot simpler if she removed herself from the equation, it's quite sad that she does not want to believe the truth when it's staring her in the face.

And in continuing the affair she is not having any regard for the part she is playing in messing with someone's marriage, family, life and future- she needs to accept responsibility for the part she has willingly played, and face the consequences of people knowing the truth.

I suggest, as her friend, you may want to offer her some support and advice, give her a bit of a reality check, rather than let her continue to wait around for a married man who is trying to have his cake and eat it.

What happens now with me and my husband is quite frankly nothing to do with her. It's probably going to be very hard for her knowing that she is just plan B, but that's what happens when you knowingly become someone's mistress.

I will be dealing with him also, that's another story. but it takes 2 to tango and she was more than willing to believe she could convince a man to leave the woman he has been with for 9 years, for a fling. Of course he has given her the usual lines of being in an unhappy marriage, false promises of being with her and leaving etc etc but that's what men say when they are having an affair to make their mistress feel a bit better about themselves and not just the side piece being used for having cheap easy sex in cars.

Thank you for taking the time to read this, I know she will probably try to make out i am the "crazy ex" who won't let her husband go, but I can assure you that's not the case and if you wish I can provide you her message history of her pushing for the affair, and also my own message history with my husband throughout showing the usual affectionate messages and day to day chit chat that happens between a married couple, including the fact we were in the process of buying a house.

Feel free to get in touch if you have any questions.

Way too long and way too defensive. No one else is going to gaslight you about being a crazy separated wife (like that matters!) That is only something cheaters do. There may be some cheaters among your exposure targets - but don't credit this accusation with the dignity of referring to it at all.

Oh and as for responding to people - keep it to "Thankyou for your kind support - here is the evidence" or if that does not apply just press delete!

You might want to add that they were working together a year ago (?) and you discovered the affair recently.

That is way too long. Indie cut it down a lot already but I would not mention the specific evidence you have, especially that you recorded them in his car. I would simply say you have evidence.

I would rephrase the bold or just toss it...this was not a happy marriage.

Mary, are you going to divorce this man or are you still trying to salvage the marriage?

She's doing exposure before deciding.

Normally I'd agree but that stuff is gold - so embarrassing. That's more what you're after with OWs contacts. Embarrassment rather than seeking support.

Just my two pence.

Mary, what's going on? Is today the day?

If your letter is the hang up, don't worry. It really doesn't need to be any fancier or more detailed than:


***********************


Dear friend of OW,

It grieves me to write this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that OW is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.
I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with OW to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.
Thank you, BW
_________________________

See, I like your examples of proof, but it really doesn't matter all that much. She knows the proof is likely to be embarrassing and it's an internal fit of panic you're trying to create.

Do keep that in mind. It matters not a not what these people think of you (though you can be surprised at how kind people are) all that matters is that she knows they've been told it's an affair.

If you've done that, and identified your husband the future of their relationship is either dead or will involve a stressful amount of bluffing which will fool no one.

All you have to do is what I do at work - KISS
Keep it simple, stupid!

Hugs to you, brave girl.

I am going to decide after exposure what happens

One thing I'm concerned about is that here in the UK it is illegal to post on the Internet videos - it's known as revenge porn and can carry a prison sentence https://www.gov.uk/government/news/new-law-to-tackle-revenge-porn

Although what I have is voice recordings rather than visuals, could I be setting myself up by even mentioning I have this evidence and sending it to anyone who requests it?

And indie girl is right- I feel I don't want to ask her fb friends for support- I don't want to seem like a doormat- I'm seeking to embarrass and cause her shame

Any decent person will automatically support a betrayed wife.

It is still probably obscene and therefore can't be 'publicly' shared. There might be a bit of foreground in the run up to the obscene stuff that can be safely shared.

You aren't publicly sharing it, but mentioning it and then inviting people to contact you for it might put you in contravention If what you showed people was obscene.

It's a good point and a law I wasn't familiar with - as a journalist I never published obscene material!

Maybe just change it to 'evidence' or 'evidence of them getting together in my car' then make sure what you give people is the 'chatting' portion not anything obscene.

Thanks guys
Yes I'm going to do it this evening whilst they are out- so I know I can go to her parents and she won't be there, and I will take my work laptop home to have time to do the fb message

One more thing- can I not do it through the fb instant messenger app on my phone? I'm sure most of these people are on messenger now, and there is no spam folder I can see in fb messenger

You can see them on messenger, but you aren't FB friends, correct?

I've just done exposure- went to her families house aswell
He is pissed I went to their house- so is she
Saying he's coming home to pack his stuff and get out
I don't know what's going to happen

You did good. It's going to speed things up and keep you from being in limbo. He's either going to come to his senses or file for divorce.

He's come in, packed his stuff said he wants a divorce and gone to his parents. Still denying he's seeing her.
He couldn't even look me in the face.
He asked why I did it- I said to try and save us and we can't do that if your still seeing her.
He said he's not and walked out
I really don't think he will be back

What do I do now?

Did you speak with his parents to expose what was going on and ask for their support?

LTL

Mary, I haven't been here in awhile but was checking in and saw your thread. The best thing you can do right now is go into Plan B. Please read this thread How to plan B

You need to avoid any contact with your WH. Any contact from him will be abusive and he will continue to gaslight you and make you doubt yourself and everything you have heard, seen and done.

You have been very strong so far. Continue to be strong and get yourself into plan B ASAP. You need to stay dark from your WH in order to see clearly and heal.

In the link I gave you is a sample plan B letter to send to your WH, as well as other directions. Concentrate on writing the letter and posting it here first for feedback,and finding someone who can act as an intermediary (IM).

Most importantly, however things end up, remember that you will be ok. Hang in there, sister.

By the way, I know the thread says not to go into plan B quickly. However, he did you a favor by leaving as many refuse to leave and continue their affair in their spouse's face. Take advantage of it! Change the locks as soon as you are able.

Thank you guys I have told his family and I know I will have their support- they are very traditional and avid supporters of marriage so I know they will support and be very disappointed in him

I will post my plan b letter.......

Mary,

You wrote, what do I do now.

Thank your luck stars you didn't catch an STD from his GF.

Be thankful this did not go on for years and years more.

Be glad he left which allows you to change the locks.

Wait for their affair to self-destruct, and it will very quickly since they are both now painted scarlet.

God Bless
Gamma

Dear xxxx

I truly love you but I feel living in this situation will aggravate things more and I don't want that to affect my love for you. That's why it's best we do seperate and have no contact, while we both take the time we need to work out how we want to move things forward.

I thought we were happy in our marriage, but it seems that something is missing that led you to feel the need to have such an intense emotional affair, I will acknowledge that there is something I haven't given you that could have led you to this.

I am willing to work on our marriage and I do believe there is hope, we have great memories together, I love being with you and have always been proud to have you as my husband, and we have worked hard to get where we are, I don't want that all to be in vain.

I am open to working things out if it's what you truly want, however that can only happen once she is out of your life and out of your head. I think you also need the time out to work out what it is you want, and what led you to feel it was ok to have the affair.

I can't help what I have found out, I know what I know, but in order to move on you need to be 100% truthful with me about what's happened, what you want to happen with us and have zero contact with her. If you can do this and show that you are fully committed I believe we have a strong chance, and then I will be willing to talk.

Please respect my decision for no contact until you can show the above can happen. It's not healthy for us to keep arguing, and I need the time out for myself so I can heal from what has been the most emotionally traumatic time in my life.

I want you to know that I am open to reconciliation so long as you can give full disclosure, honesty and be willing for us to seek counselling.

Love you always

The letter looks good to me but wait for a little more feedback from others as I am not as experienced as they are. You don't have to give him this right now and its best that you have an intermediary first.

Is there a friend that can be one for you?

Oh god he's just come back! It's 1.30am here so no chance to change the locks.....I am in bed and am not going to say anything to him now.... I don't know how I will get him out now

I think I will use his sister as an IM

The letter looks good to me but wait for a little more feedback from others as I am not as experienced as they are. You don't have to give him this right now and its best that you have an intermediary first.

Is there a friend that can be one for you?

Just be calm and avoid him. If you feel threatened, call the police. Take time to think what you need to do to get into plan b

Can you find someone more neutral or a friend? Relatives from his side aren't always a good idea.

Has anyone from his side told him to end his affair? His parents?

Oh yeah- his dad has gone mental- told him if he continues he will disown him and wants nothing to do with him

His sister also - who is much better at communicating calmly - she has spoken to him, told him it's wrong, the affair must end its not right or fair on me and she just can't understand why he's done it. She's told him that marriages take work etc etc ( she has been married for 27 years)

That's fantastic that they are putting pressure on him and now get into the protection of Plan B.

What about her family? Are they putting any pressure on the affair?

I think he is just so p!ssed that her family know the truth about his lies and it's put a big spanner in the works for thir "relationship"

I really think his biggest fear is getting found out by her for the crazy web of lies he has got himself in to and that have spiralled out of control

When I went there to OWs house her sister was there too and she was soooo angry- she told me she knew and had told her OW to end it cos he is blatantly lying to her and that she hates him.
She also confirmed the web of lies he's told about being separated etc etc because she has seen the messages between them

Oh yes and the mum said she will tell her to walk away and there is no way she would have him in the family-in fact she was very nice and understanding. It was a calm and polite exposure I did- no shouting, name calling Eric I just laid down the facts and asked them to tell her to walk away and leve us to sort our marriage out

Do you think the backlash from their families will have the reverse affect and they may feel lik " it's us against the world, we don't need anyone else our live is strong enough to get us through"

No, soon they will be blaming each other for their mess. Just take care of you and let them panic.

Great you didn't need to kick him out as I thought. They often try the mean and distant bluff when they want to continue the A. Get the locks changed and enter Plan B.

Relatives always a terrible idea. Have a really level headed friend?

He has to leave sometime. Let the changed locks be a surprise.

He had to leave you to go comfort her and she will be very needy and demanding on his time now.

I would present this checklist to him and tell him these are your requirements for remaining married.

How ready are you for Plan B?