As of now, he has not given me food money for next month. I can go Monday to get food stamps, but they want a statement from him as to what bills he's paying/what money he's giving me. If I could do this without contacting him about it, I would, but when I called them that's what they said I would need. I can try to go without it first and see what happens.

I have already spoken with a lawyer and am preparing to file.

Make sure your attorney knows not to be nice. Don't leave anything on the table -- savings, pensions, valuable collections, vehicles, etc.

You seem like a very nice lady so I am worried that he will take advantage. I think you said you have all the financial records, right? Do you have your own checking account yet? Did y'all have savings? Did you take it with you?

I strongly urge you to follow through on this. The fact that he has withheld money in the past to punish you [I have seen the evidence from your sister] indicates he can't be relied upon. I would also have your sister print up some of the emails showing he withheld money to take to your attorney. Just let some judge see how he withheld vital support for his wife and children to teach his wife a lesson. That will go over real well. NOT!!

Can you try to use emails he has sent saying what bills he is paying? Maybe Food Stamp office will accept that? Just hate to think you and the kids will go without because he has not given you money for food.

In my state the Food Stamp department requires a signed statement from the person paying the bills on their form

Apples, my attorney won't be nice. We know each other socially, and she ha a baby about the same age as mine. She is mama bear mad. She told me before that she is ready to "nail his *** to the wall when I'm ready." She also told me that she doesn't see any reason I should have to communicate directly with him, the setup I have with the IM works for her.

Melody, I have already asked my dad for money for the retainer and filing fee. I'm following through. And I will give her copies of the emails.

Susiew, I will try that. Unfortunately, they want a signed statement like JediKnight said. I am going to try to do it without that, though. I don't even want to ask him for the statement. I am sure he is just waiting for me to say something about the money now, and I don't want to give him that satisfaction.

This makes me very, very happy!! I believe your husband imagines you will roll over and play dead because he is in an affair fog. Filing for divorce and holding him accountable will be a huge wake up call. I just want you to make sure that the communication coming from your IM is as pleasant and neutral as possible. That way, your lawyer can go after his balls while you continue to maintain a pleasant front.

I might also help your IM send him a reminder in a few weeks that you would consider reconciliation if he met your conditions. How would you feel about that?

I imagine you're right, he thinks he gets to make all the decisions here. No matter how this ends up he needs to realize that is not the case.



Yes, please. IF he meets my conditions. I'm done being jerked around.

I was approved for food stamps on the spot. So that is a relief.

I called the attorney. She emailed me some forms, and scheduled a phone meeting for tonight. What do I need to know and ask for?

So glad you got the food stamps. I don't have any experience with kids. Hopefully the vets can come and answer that for you soon.

Thanks Luna. It's a relief that I was able to do it without having to get anything from WH.

So they let you use the emails?

It was the weirdest thing. He got the names and contact info of two people who could vouch for my situation, and that was it. I was shocked. But very grateful.

well, glad that you and the kids will have money for food!

I spoke with the lawyer. She wanted to know how I want to do this. She said the only info that *needs* to go in the petition is when we separated and what money he has given me. She said that I can include whatever details I want. She said that if we come out "guns blazing" that doesn't get things off to a good start as far as eventually being able to co-parent. I told her that communication with him is like acid on my skin and I don't want to try to co-parent from separate houses. I told her my initial thought is that I don't want to make nice with him.

She also asked if I wanted her to try to push it through quickly. My inclination there is to drag it out as long as possible, hoping that it doesn't ever finalize.

I asked her to let me think on it. Tell me if that all makes sense? And if I put everything on the petition, does that just push him further away? Or does it give him a wake up call? Or both? I'll be honest, I am feeling less hope for my marriage every day. Is it even possible to come back from this - from taking him to court and having my lawyer not be nice? (I'm sorry if there are stories of it somewhere in the forums. I can't read the forums without being triggered.)

I welcome all advice.

I am confused what you mean by playing nice. I don't understand. If "play nice" means you allow him to get away with not supporting you, then NO, you should not play nice. You should play "nice" and:

1. drag it out

2. get as much money as you need to survive

3. do not engage in any silly "co-parenting" schemes - that makes you a worse parent. It is cute and winsome for lazy, uncaring court bureaucrats [who don't give a CRAP about you or your kids] but will make your life a holy living hell.


Don't understand what this means. What do you mean by everything?

She also said that if I want to notify WH that I'm filing I should go ahead and do that, because there are lawyers who check for new divorce files daily and contact them to offer to represent them. So if I don't want him to find out from some random person I should go ahead and have my tell him. I am inclined o let him find out however he finds out, from a random person or eventually certified letter from my attorney. Advice?

Well, she said I could put every detail of everything thing that has happened - the affair is what I took her to mean - or I could just put that we separated on such and such date, and he is supposed to give me this amount of money, but hey it's not quite happening so let's work this out.

Hiding the affair seems like a bad idea. You are doing nothing wrong by putting down the truth.

When you file, we can have your sister send him a message giving him a heads up and telling him that you do not want a divorce but am only filing to protect yourself financially. You can let him know also that you would be willing to reconcile if he ended his affair and committed to a program designed to restore the love in your marriage. I will help you write it.