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I'm away with work as of tomorrow until Thursday. If there is anything of high value or sentiment, you should take it with you. Jewelry, passports, sentimental/irreplacable trickets...he can take them and you will have an uphill battle to recover them.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Do you think I ha e messed up? Will I still be able to plan b after sending that? How would you have messed up? In Plan B you don't want contact. Plan B is protect you, not break up his affair.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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The part where is said I'm selling the flat?
Also I feel plan b will intensify their affair as now he will have all the time in the world to see her, and yesterday, after exposure I got the voice recorded out of the car and heard them on the phone she was saying that I am crazy for going to her house and I will try anything to get at him!
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And I know he has gone to see her tonight- it kills me
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Mary,
Plan B does two things--protects you (which needs to be a top priority) and it actually does fight the affair. An affair needs a common enemy (the wife). When you remove yourself from the equation, it needs to stand on it's own and it usually cannot. Expect that they will go around saying you are crazy for a few weeks. And the affair probably will intensify for a little bit...but then they will have to deal with exposure AND you won't be around to kick around anymore..and then what will they do?
In the meantime, you can protect yourself and think about what you want and need. If he doesn't do the things it takes to keep you during plan b, he is never going to do them anyway, so you'd be better off without him. In the meantime, don't sit around as his option. You are not optional. He already chose you. Stand for your own worth.
Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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The part where is said I'm selling the flat?
Also I feel plan b will intensify their affair as now he will have all the time in the world to see her, and yesterday, after exposure I got the voice recorded out of the car and heard them on the phone she was saying that I am crazy for going to her house and I will try anything to get at him! It's fine, Mary. If he doesn't end his affair or you decide not to recover anyway, the flat will have to be dealt with at some point. Even if it was said out of emotion in the moment, no harm done. STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP (Bolded for emphasis only, not yelling at you). The APs may have some short term bonding over the exposure and talk about how crazy you are but it won't last. Many try to put on a good front but it doesn't last. They will hate that people know the truth and start to lovebust one another. Just stay out of the oncoming trainwreck and let them crash and burn. Waywards need no help to self destruct. They always hang themselves so take some small comfort in that. Stay out of their destructive path.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Thanks guys
One more thing- we have a shared car, how shall I deal with that? Obviously he needs it more than me to drive the distance to see her- but I pay towards it also. Should I just suck it up and leave it to him to use during plan b? Otherwise we would have to make contact about who's using the car and when / I think it would be better to avoid that? But if he didn't have it it would make it much harder to see her when he wants
If I demand it he will probably just hate me more
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Really Mary? You are worried about him having use of the car?  You keep the keys. If he wants to see his tramp, he can figure it out or she can be his chauffeur. His transportation to go wherever, is not your problem anymore.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Oh I would defo prefer to not let him have it but he has it now and his own set of keys. That's the problem is trying to get it back-
I think it would be more hassle as he would just say no and use it as a form of control not to give it back
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And I know he has gone to see her tonight- it kills me That alone is why you need Plan B.
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You are the wife. You are not divorced or officially separated. You have a right to every bit of the marital assets.
Use this time while he is gone to gather valuables and documents, especially regarding the marital assets, that he may abscond with out of anger. You can always make him a copy later if he needs them.
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Hi
I understand that I'm entitled, but I know he will make it hard to get the car. It won't just be a case of him agreeing. Last time I tried to get him out he took the car and parked it somewhere I couldn't find it. He has the key and can just come and get it without me knowing- he has it now
Is it worthwhile attempting by law to get it during plan b?
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Or will this just aggregate things as he will get the contact he wants by me trying to get the car- even through a solicitor
I don't want to give him any satisfaction - I want to go complexly dark on him
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It might be worth paying the huge fees for emergency lock service now. I'd say it is. If you have to be gone for business, oh that is the worst. Just pay what they want, get the locks changed so you can get some peace. You won't even realize how much stress his coming and going is causing you until it's over.
Look into borrowing a car from family, or getting a cheap rental if you can swing it. Or just do without for a while. Unless you can get someone out to change that lock as well.
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Hi
I understand that I'm entitled, but I know he will make it hard to get the car. It won't just be a case of him agreeing. Last time I tried to get him out he took the car and parked it somewhere I couldn't find it. He has the key and can just come and get it without me knowing- he has it now
Is it worthwhile attempting by law to get it during plan b? If you don't need the car and have other means of transportation, then let him have it if it keeps a door of contact open. Make sure you keep the title in a safe place. Can you open a safety deposit box and put your valuables and documents in? I would NOT give anything to your inlaws to hold for you.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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The part where is said I'm selling the flat?
Also I feel plan b will intensify their affair as now he will have all the time in the world to see her, and yesterday, after exposure I got the voice recorded out of the car and heard them on the phone she was saying that I am crazy for going to her house and I will try anything to get at him! Nowhere near as crazy as 'let's pretend you've left your wife'. They all say that. No mistress ever talks to her wayward about how lovely his wife is. She is also struggling with how it makes her look. The OW in my case went round doing an UN-exposure telling people I'd been stalking her. My exposure targets all said it was quite pathetic. Look, if they are going to spend lots of time together, you want them doing it now, not 'some day, my darling' while you are cheated on. They won't be able to keep up the fantasy full time. Not the priority though. The priority is you and getting you out of this and into a safe place where you can heal.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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He hasn't come back tonight - the message I sent back to him after he replied "no f***ing way" was
"You are not living here with me anymore, I don't want to see you or speak to you. The flat will be sold and you will get your share. Accept it - you can't expect to have an affair in front of my face and still live here as husband and wife - it's not going to happen. "
Do you think I ha e messed up? Will I still be able to plan b after sending that? I think this is fine and a part of the strong'stick' part of Plan A. This can be followed up nicely with your Plan B letter.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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My take on the car is a new one for you would be preferable. That car is going to remind you of him and the yucky purposes he put it to.
If he takes the car, he would be liable to pay you for depriving you of it and you can put the money towards a new one. An old banger would be better for you mentally than this one.
Can you take it to a second hand place and sell it/exchange it if it's shared ownership? Worth checking out. Then I would send him half the cheque and put the rest towards a new one.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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I would see a lawyer before making any decisions on what to do with the car. Especially if one of you is still making payments. You could store it somewhere he can't get at while you do that.
If he keeps it from you, you can have your lawyer send scary letters about it. It would make him look quite bad if he didn't agree to sell it.
All stuff you can do as part of Plan B preps.
Last edited by indiegirl; 03/02/15 05:25 AM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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To add to this wonderful thread, a reminder about legal advice and protecting valuables and finances.
Waywards, even if they have previously been responsible in the past, are notoriously irresponsible in Plan B.
They will take your money and valuables.
They will not support you financially.
The first job is to be prepared to move all funds from joint accounts, and consider how to protect valuables and assets from a desperate wayward. Make a list of these concerns.
See a lawyer in the first instance with this list. Many offer a free consultation on your first trip.
Interview a few lawyers and make a choice of the best advice/best rates.
Tell them you will be separated for a period of time and you expect your spouse to be financially irresponsible during that time. Ask for a plan on how to best protect yourself, such as a separation agreement or filing for a D (you don't have to finalise the D).
With your legal advice in hand, protect your finances and valuables as well as you are able. Make sure you can support yourself through Plan B and that a child visitation schedule is set up, which your IM will enforce.
In my situation legal advice wasn't as vital because I earn my own salary and don't have children.
Nevertheless I went to see a lawyer straight away and discovered filing for a D would protect my stake in the marital assets, prevent him running up debts I would be liaible for and would also protect my credit rating. If you can afford to do it, simply let him have the car and recoup costs later through a lawyer. Don't worry about what he is using the car for. The goal now is to protect you, and save you. He is a grown man who can choose the pig pen if he wants to.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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