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Originally Posted by MacTheSpoon
. In fact, it's easier for me to monitor a known account!!

The fact that you can "monitor" it misses the point entirely. All the "monitoring" in the world will not negate the trigger she feels when she gawks at the OM's Facebook page. It will keep her feelings triggered so she WILL find ways to contact him.

If the OM is free to contact her via email or phone the risk of the affair resuming is very high. You can "monitor" her email account all day long, but it won't help you if the OM emails her and rekindles her feelings.

It would be like an alcoholic. If you "monitor" an alcoholic drinking, does it make any difference? Of course not.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MacTheSpoon
Second, her parents intervention was truly taken at heart. She has a very strong bond with her dad and his word is strong with her. He called her out, told her what OM was really like, and strongly urged her to stay with her husband and kids.

In the weeks before my D-day when my wife and I were in counseling, she told her parents and the pastor of our church at separate occasions (and in front of my face) that she was going to stay and work to rebuild our marriage.

She left anyways to pursue her affair a few weeks later.

Be wary and snoop like crazy for the time being. Someone in an affair WILL throw their family under the bus to feed their addiction to their affair partner, I've seen it happen personally.


Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders"
2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more.

When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29
Married: 7 years
Together: 8 years
D-day: 10/5/2014
D filed: 1/22/2015
D Final: 6/4/2015

My story
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Until you have a NC letter and an agreement to EPs, you are still in limbo. MB recovery program begins with those.


Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders"
2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more.

When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29
Married: 7 years
Together: 8 years
D-day: 10/5/2014
D filed: 1/22/2015
D Final: 6/4/2015

My story
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Originally Posted by MacTheSpoon
Humm. I understand the skepticism, but I don't share it entirely.

First, need to look at the broader picture-- she's accepted to work on our marriage. That is a big step forward for me. You may believe that's a ploy to keep me docile, and that's fine.
Second, her parents intervention was truly taken at heart. She has a very strong bond with her dad and his word is strong with her. He called her out, told her what OM was really like, and strongly urged her to stay with her husband and kids.
Third, she admitted that she was in a vulnerable state, mad at me, and got caught up in her feelings for an old flame.
Fourth, she admitted that she's disgusted that he used the same lines on her sister. She realizes that he's going through a mid-life crisis of his own and he was using her.
Fifth, we communicated about our problems and promised to keep communication channels open to rebuild our relationship. We're taking it day by day.
Fifth, she unfriended OM. Deleting FB account is silly in my mind (but I get your arguments). Should I take away her cel phone? Home phone? Internet access? There are a thousand ways for her to get in touch with him again easily. She could delete her FB page and open a fake one, him too, and they can continue to chat that way. So I'm not asking for that. In fact, it's easier for me to monitor a known account!!

Remember, I can still monitor her actions online. I don't need to shoot myself in the foot and drive their potential communications underground.

The affair is dead. I'm satisfied with that (but will monitor). I have no doubt she will have some moments of sadness, I gather it's normal. But we still need to work hard on our relationship.


Even if in her mind, it's dead for now, it would take less than nothing to restart it as things stand.

Recovery is tough and she will remain addicted to this man for life. That's a fact. It's not like an ordinary relationship.

All it would take is for OM to have a moment of weakness and reach out to her with a 'how you doing?' This COMMONLY happens - it's happened even with people facing court martial in the army when withdrawal gets bad!

If that happens, it won't matter if you're watching. She will be triggered and will feel like he's risked all for her to do so.

He can't trigger her if she sends an NC letter and changes her phone and email. Without those changes she is WAITING for him to contact her. NC can't happen without those things.

These are such simple precautions it makes no sense whatsoever to leave these gates wide open for him.

Even if she has resolved not to contact him, you haven't prevented him contacting her when withdrawal gets tough. Men can love two women at once so they tend to think about OW for years afterwards Even if their marriage does well.

You are fundamentally misunderstanding the nature of addiction.

It's not felting FB that's silly, it's placing a silly website over your marriage that's crazy. You yourself have an EA brewing on FB.

Build a new marriage which is more important than the place where people tell each other what they had for lunch.




Last edited by indiegirl; 03/24/15 11:39 AM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Any update, Mac?


Happily remarried to wonderful woman who I found using the guidelines in "Buyers, Renters, Freeloaders"
2 baby boys, working on #3 and couldn't ask for anything more.

When my ex's affair happened: BH 28, Ex-WW:29
Married: 7 years
Together: 8 years
D-day: 10/5/2014
D filed: 1/22/2015
D Final: 6/4/2015

My story
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