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I think my wife is having an affair. My gut says so. I got the whole I love you but im not in love with you. She suddenly changed after going out of town for four days. When she left she was a loving caring wife. Then suddenly she said she isn't in love with me, wants space, and wants to try seperating. There was another male teacher on this trip she works closely with. She just changed overnight and is not the same person. She wont' show any affection or tell me she loves me. Sex? HAA! No.

What I've uncovered so far. She is zealously guarding her phone, it never ever leaves her side. She changed passwords on all her social media. One day I saw on her phones browsing history she was looking up sex toys and how to give awesome oral sex. She has never done either of those. Later the same day she was seen at his work at the end of the work day, which is a private house. She came home that evening chewing gum, something I have rarely if ever seen her doing. She spent time at a private pool at a hot spring. This week I found nude pics of her on a backup website for pics on her phone. One was doing a sex act on herself. She has never taken a nude photo in 12 years. I know this all sounds circumstantial, but it is really a lot. I feel convinced in my heart. I want to confront and expose to destroy this affair as soon as I can. Question 1: Is this enough? I don't have access to her phone anymore she changed the lock screen and I can't get the phone records online. I did see she has been checking this other teacher's google drive.

I really want to try to reconcile with her. I still love her and she is the mother of my 2 small kids. I know her family loves me and would be really upset to find out. I hope to do Plan A and then Plan B, but I know I need to shine the light on this thing before it grows.

I am going to go out of town Tuesday with my son. Question 2: Do I drop this bomb on Monday night before I go, stay the night out of the house, and then let her think on it? Or do I wait until I return to confront/expose since if she does turn out to feel bad leaving her would be like leaving an alcoholic in a bar and saying "I'll be back, don't drink?"

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Originally Posted by TheOctopus
Question 1: Is this enough? I don't have access to her phone anymore she changed the lock screen and I can't get the phone records online. I did see she has been checking this other teacher's google drive.

You don't have evidence of an affair. I would hire a PI to tail her while you are out of town. The PI can likely get photo evidence of her affair. I know they can be pricey, but they are much cheaper than a divorce and you need this evidence to bust up her affair.

I would also suggest you get a GPS and a voice activated recorder on her car.

Do you know the OM? What do you know about him? Is he married?

Does your wife hang out in bars and/or go out with work friends?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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How long married? Are you married?

Has she ever had an affair before? Have you ever had an affair?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Married 10 years. I know OM works with her. He has a crazy xw who divorced him and became gay for 6 months. They are supposedly trying to R but I don't know if it is going well. She is said to have rejected his valentines card. My w has been checking his google drive. No prior affairs she was an awesome wife right until this trip then she just turned against me and is not at all the same person. She is secretive cold and distant

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Originally Posted by TheOctopus
Married 10 years. I know OM works with her. He has a crazy xw who divorced him and became gay for 6 months. They are supposedly trying to R but I don't know if it is going well. She is said to have rejected his valentines card. My w has been checking his google drive. No prior affairs she was an awesome wife right until this trip then she just turned against me and is not at all the same person. She is secretive cold and distant

Thanks for answering. Can you hire a PI to watch her for a couple of days? That will get you the necessary evidence you need to bust up this affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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No, but I can have some trusted allies check the place. I know both of their cars. I might leave a VAR in the bedroom too.

How is the philosophy here different than on SI? I know the people there are like "go for the kill and file" but it seems Dr. Harvey advocates confront/expose, but then what? Just try to love her while she is actively cheating?

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Let MelodyLane give you a more defined answer tomorrow.

For now go to MelodyLane's Exposure 101 (linked on her signature) and read up on the exposure plan so you are ready and understand the process.

Purchase: 'Surviving an Affair' by downloading to a device. Author Willard Harley.

Read up on snooping and remember not to confront. When you get more evidence be sure to come back and report here.

I'm not sure what 'SI' is. I assume a website that is supposed to help you survive infidelity?

Well...

You would have a right to divorce your wife if in fact she is cheating, but that does not sound like your objective.

Dr Harley's plan has the potential to bust the affair and create a better relationship than you had prior. BTW, if your wife indeed is having an affair (seems likely) it doesn't necessarily mean there was something off about your relationship. It just means your wife showed poor boundaries around the opposite sex.

Like I said, ML or other vets will likely be here in the AM to help you w/specifics. But for now, at least for myself under such horrid circumstances, getting a handle on the overall plan can help bring a little peace in such a storm and will help you better understand and hopefully tune into the valuable directives you will soon hear. Highly recommend reading Dr Harleys directives. They will help you through the rest of your life deal with hardships in general too. Know the directives are specific because the path is narrow and timely for a shot to save your marriage under these circumstances.


BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren

"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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Originally Posted by TheOctopus
No, but I can have some trusted allies check the place. I know both of their cars. I might leave a VAR in the bedroom too.

How is the philosophy here different than on SI? I know the people there are like "go for the kill and file" but it seems Dr. Harvey advocates confront/expose, but then what? Just try to love her while she is actively cheating?

No, Dr Harley advocates doing everything in your power to bust up the affair. If she doesn't end her affair within 6 months, you should separate and go into Plan B.

I wasn't aware that SI had a "philosophy." It is my understanding that it is a chat forum where novices share personal philosophies.

Your plan to spy on her doesn't sound too comprehensive.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by TheOctopus
Married 10 years. I know OM works with her. He has a crazy xw who divorced him and became gay for 6 months. They are supposedly trying to R but I don't know if it is going well. She is said to have rejected his valentines card. My w has been checking his google drive. No prior affairs she was an awesome wife right until this trip then she just turned against me and is not at all the same person. She is secretive cold and distant


Are you sure? That she is a) ex and b) crazy? This sounds like the kind of 'OMW is crazy' story that most OM are keen to spread - without actually leaving her!

Then when the BH exposes to her it turns out she's a perfectly nice woman.

Shes still his wife. Even in the unlikely event that she did have her own affair, she still doesn't deserve to be the victim of a revenge affair.


Last edited by indiegirl; 03/23/15 10:06 AM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Dr H advocates Plan A - you don't confront her, others do. Whenever she is in your company she experiences care and respect.

Exposure cuts out the need for arguing. If the A were a good idea they wouldn't be ashamed of it.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Octo,

Do not take lightly what ML is saying in regards to professional and targeted advise vs. whack-a-mole amateur advise at a site where posters come together and form a discussion with all sorts of strategies-of-the moment.

MB is a defined pro plan.


BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren

"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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SI = survivinginfidelity. C0m. They all are saying confront her and give her divorce papers to scare her. Maybe tough love is needed but my goal is R, not D so it could also easily blow up in my own face.

I am going to try to put a keylogger on her CPU to get passwords and leave a VAR in the bedroom while I am gone. I don't have money for a pi.

If that doesn't get me anything how much longer do I wait? I don't want this A to keep growing like a cancer. It might not be enough proof for a courtroom right now but it is an awful lot of circumstantial evidence and everyone I tell concludes it is some kind of affair.

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Octopus, if you expose the OM without proof, he can sue you for libel. If you do not expose the OM, the affair can continue. Exposing the OM is a crucial part of the exposure plan. Get the evidence first, and then expose far and wide to blow up the affair. You can't blow up the affair without the necessary proof.


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If your wife is having an affair, then she already knows it. Confronting her is unlikely to end it. She will just go underground with it while gas lighting you.


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Originally Posted by TheOctopus
SI = survivinginfidelity. C0m. They all are saying confront her and give her divorce papers to scare her. Maybe tough love is needed but my goal is R, not D so it could also easily blow up in my own face.

I am going to try to put a keylogger on her CPU to get passwords and leave a VAR in the bedroom while I am gone. I don't have money for a pi.

If that doesn't get me anything how much longer do I wait? I don't want this A to keep growing like a cancer. It might not be enough proof for a courtroom right now but it is an awful lot of circumstantial evidence and everyone I tell concludes it is some kind of affair.

Dr. Harley has had 40 years experience helping people break up affairs and recover from them. He can't save every marriage, but he has a great track recod. And a solid plan that will help YOU regardless of the outcome.

Don't tell anyone else for now. Just quietly snoop until you find evidence that will convince a jury. It won't take long, because people in affairs get sloppy.

You will drive yourself nuts going back and forth between various forums for guidance. You will get different advice and most of the folks have little idea how to deal with affairs in a constructive way.

If you confront your wife now, she will just go underground and get sneakier. "Tough love" is a mistake. Tough love will prove to her that you don't care about her. Divorce papers might scare her, but do you want to take that chance? MB has a PLAN. If you stick logically to the plan, you will be in the best frame of mind to do what it takes to find the evidence you need and then expose. Don't "scare her" with divorce papers, unless you really want a divorce.

Eliminate your love busters: no anger, no selfish demands, no disrespect, no arguing, no fighting. Snoop quietly. Don't tell anyone yet.


Married 1980
DDay Nov 2010

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Originally Posted by TheOctopus
If that doesn't get me anything how much longer do I wait? I don't want this A to keep growing like a cancer. It might not be enough proof for a courtroom right now but it is an awful lot of circumstantial evidence and everyone I tell concludes it is some kind of affair.

GET the evidence. Do what you need to do to get the evidence. Exposoing when you have no direct evidence is a STRATEGIC MISTAKE that only gives her the ability to deny everything and makes it much harder for you to get solid intel. Doesn't sound like the folks at SI are very strategic.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by TheOctopus
If that doesn't get me anything how much longer do I wait? I don't want this A to keep growing like a cancer. It might not be enough proof for a courtroom right now but it is an awful lot of circumstantial evidence and everyone I tell concludes it is some kind of affair.

You don't have evidence of an affair. Exposing with what you have will blow up in your face. You need to be STRATEGIC here.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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If you cherry pick a variety of ideas regarding infidelity you'll be all over the map wasting your time and energy.

The focus for now is proving an affair without alerting your wife you are working towards this objective. It seems you are wasting your time getting others to validate your feelings over getting to work to bust a possible affair through actions.

In any kind of disaster response moving towards the objective of recovery you take care of your basic needs to keep yourself in shape to manage the situation AND resolve underlying safety issues. You don't stand back and simply blog about your troubles! If there is a fire you attempt to put it out!

Your wife's change in behavior has alerted you that your marriage, family and lifestyle is threatened somehow. so the name of the game is to figure this out while knowing your wife is likely addicted to the threatening factor and will attempt to deflect your response. This whole entire situation is outside your norm so you have to adjust fast to save your marriage. Often the betrayed standing up to the affair is later perceived as an act of bravery when the affair or delusion wears off. If you shoot for a divorce now your wife may see this as she was not worth fighting for.

Stop simply blogging on SI and get evidence.

Last edited by graceful2b; 03/23/15 06:01 PM.
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Thanks. I have been back and forth on it all day and came to the same conclusion. I don't have proof. And honestly there is truth that given her state of mind (she says she is burnt out, bitter, and out of love), I might not even be a worthy option to return to. I need to show her love and show her I am worth returning to for me to be something that she fears losing. I need to have my giver in full throttle and expect nothing in return. I'll continue to be nosy to try to get real proof, but in the meantime I need to work on myself to make myself a viable option to return to.

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Originally Posted by TheOctopus
Thanks. I have been back and forth on it all day and came to the same conclusion. I don't have proof. And honestly there is truth that given her state of mind (she says she is burnt out, bitter, and out of love), I might not even be a worthy option to return to. I need to show her love and show her I am worth returning to for me to be something that she fears losing. I need to have my giver in full throttle and expect nothing in return. I'll continue to be nosy to try to get real proof, but in the meantime I need to work on myself to make myself a viable option to return to.

That's cute, but did you want to save your marriage? Going full throttle and meeting her needs unconditionally won't save your marriage because her love bank is closed to you. So, you can do that for a few years, but it won't end the affair and it won't save your marriage. It will just make the affair more entrenched as time passes.

Sir, you can't conflict avoid your way to marital success. Your wife is in an affair and if you don't get off your butt and kill the affair, you won't have a marriage left.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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