Hi there,
please dont read into the functionality of this email that my heart is intact...indeed it is wrecked.

My wife of 15years, just a few months ago began playing an online video/chat game. My concern peaked when the hours, and some of the language became very lengthy and in-appropriate to say the least. My wife maintains she was pushed to seeking the emotional stimulation from other guys in game, as our relationship was dry. I admit she did a number of times ask about going to counselling, and/or in frustration ask why we were not having a normal sexual relationship. I wasnt cheating...or interested in another. I admit I did take her comments for granted, regarding them as either an exaggeration, or that she didnt really want to hear my answer re the sex.

We began individual counselling with a psycologist, having had 6 sessions alone, and so far two as a couple

Her chatting deepened, with her setting up a profile on a swingers website, and making contact with a number via email.
One guy (living only a couple of hours away) caught her attention...he lived in a town called Gympie. They both traded many ph calls, and sms messages, and emails containing in-appropriately very intimate photos of each other. When i discovered this, I confronted her with, asking her there and then to contact the guy by ph and break it off. She refused to do so in my presence, telling me later she did so in her own words alone in our bedroom.

For a number of weeks i saw no ph calls or sms messages or emails. Her swingers website profile has not been deleted, nor have the photos of the guy, emails etc etc.

She has been without a car for a number of months. I secured a small loan ($10k) and bought her a 4yr version of car she always wanted.

Friday last, it was planned for her to go to local shops, and make just a few purchases. For months she has been feeling trapped with only one vehicle, and unable to go do her own thing occaisionally.
I had been suspicious of her activities. I used FindmyiPhone app and tracked her movements that morning. She drove past local shops and all hwy exits, heading towards Gympie (where her prior guy friend resided). I sent her a txt, saying "if you continue on that road your on, dont bother coming home".
The response i got was at first "wth?" then a string of lies as to her location and activities.
FindmyiPhone had her located at a hotel in Gympie.
Then silence for almost 3 hours.
I removed my personal possesions from house.
I called her "boy friend" asking if my wife with him...he obviously denied.
5 mins and my wife then sent me a txt telling me to call her "ex boy friend".
At this point her findmyiPhone locator began moving away from hotel, toward next town...approx 1hour away.
Silence for about an hour, then she sends me photo of her location arguing she wasnt in Gympie...pic of waterfront location about 1hour from Gympie.

My wife argues nothing happened in Gympie...she didnt meet him...she wasnt at hotel etc etc etc.
Says she drove to Gympie to "piss me off"...make me think she was having an affair...SUCCESS!!!

All of this...the initial chatting, to recent affair/apparent affair has been happening over period of 3 months. Since my realization that my wife is actually really suffering...lonely...emotionally empty etc, we have spoken alot regarding love banks, needs etc, and have resumed a normal, actually quite wonderful sexual relationship. But all along, woven throughout, are lies, deceptions, and little stories that sit along side the truth...but not actually the truth.

I recently promised to try and stop using eg findmyiPhone app...to try and give her space. Instead of allowing me to do so, she has removed her phone from the network, now preventing me from even knowing that she is actually where she says. She has locked down her phone, changed email passwords etc etc, all because she claims she needs her privacy.
I have tried talking with her regarding transparency in our marriage..."how can i trust you if you remove yourself from a trusting environment, not allowing me the opportunity even". She argues transparencey is important, but not at expense of her privacy.

Hence, today, I am contemplating leaving the marriage.

Im tired of having my heart trampled by her actions and words...(calling me fing [censored] and a weak a-hole).

I am planning on talking with her, in presence of our church leaders, at weeks end, outlining my personal values, how i see them play out in our marriage, how her actions and words have hurt me, and yet ask her if she considers her personal values compatible with mine, to re-take my hand in marriage...doing so would have dependant considerations (eg transparency a non-negotiable).

If you have any considerations, and/or advice, it would be most welcome.

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.

Have you seen the following?



Dr. Harley's Marriage Builders Basic Concepts

Surviving an Affair - Start Here First

Hi Markos...watched just now...had read the basic concepts chapter on website earlier.
When wife began gaming/chatting alarm bells did ring...we spoke at length as to what was happening with her. She explained her emptiness...loneliness etc.
We identified and studied her love languages...and her love busters.
I would say have been building her love bank daily...in small ways...and weekly with specific date nights...and monthly with full 3day weekends away...just us two...to have time to rediscover those aspects of each other we had forgotten.
I think it is why this affair/apparent affair is such a slap in the face. Things weren't great, but I thought we had a plan.

Hi Rupert, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am unsure about your question since you are here at Marriage Builders but seem to have your own personal "plan." Do you want help to save your marriage?

I think that is great. That will enable her to hide her affair better in the future. I am unclear how that helps YOU, though?

Idk what I'm asking.
I'm tired....really tired...of the courting...love banking...etc etc...only to constantly have thrown in my face.

I want to save marraige.

To date nothing anyone has proposed seems to have any substance...or plan.

Psychologist has helped me personally...not relationship.

Church leaders have our best interest at heart...but aren't looking at the heart of the matter.

I have already confronted wife re emotional affairs, and recent events...she denies anything happened.
My plan for meeting is to confront with ongoing evidence I've found, along with historical, and ask wife if she can line her values with mine...of honesty...transparency...trust...fidelity...etc...using what information I can find from this website.
If, eg...100% transparency isn't provided to my satisfaction, I will be leaving...implementing planB best I can.

Basically, if I don't get the reassurance that she is wanting to recommit to marraige, I have to live in a way that protects myself, as atm I am betrayed, abused, and taken for granted.

Comments?

So you are not here to find out how Marriage Builders would solve this? If not, then I won't answer.

Have you done exposure? (See link in MelodyLane's signature)

I have noticed that a lot of people come here, not to get help to save their marriage, but to blog. I noticed this poster is not asking us a question about Marriage Builders. When they don't ask for help, it seems we waste a lot of time trying to help someone who is not interested in help. People who don't ask for help don't tend to take advice anyway.

My new motto is: if they don't ask for help, I won't offer it. I just can't anyway. My life is too full with my own marriage and a full time career. I don't have the spare time.

You asked if I want to save my marriage.

I said yes.

I asked for input...please...I respect what I've read in articles etc...I mention my plan as is only plan I had prior to finding MB.

Having read where im at...what should I do?

I've done Exposure...but prior to having read ML article...exposing what I had found as I found it. I didn't know or understand the procedure.

MelodyLane, and/or others experience with the concepts, i welcome your help as atm I am floundering.

Thanks. I didn't see exposure mentioned at all. What do you mean when you say you were "exposing what I had found as I found it?" To whom? And in what manner?

Exposure is a strategic plan and the best way to kill affairs. Revealing intell as you go along is a disaster. You are supposed to let key targets know on her side, your side and OMs side within 24 hours. Targets should be blowing up their phone with shock and disbelief giving them both the worst day ever. Don't send your targets to them one by one, days apart, to be picked off and brushed aside like a lame kung fu movie - it should be all at once and have a tsunami effect on the affair.

Lovebanking is a complete waste of time before exposure because the affair is healthy. It's all she can think about and hardly knows you're alive except to demonize you.

Ok...getting the picture now.
By EXPOSURE...what I've been doing (not knowing differently) is to confront as I found offending information...
eg one day inappropriate online chat...talk to wife regarding.
...Another day oh calls and intimate photos traded...ask to explain oh bills and why she feels need to resort to such lengths
...en route to OM town I texted "if continue on that road don't bother coming home"...

We have talked regarding Transoarency and what practical implications that means.

So...I guess what I'm asking is, what you regard as best plan forward is?

Rupert, what you are talking about is confrontation. We are talking about exposure. Did you read the exposure thread in my signature?

And what snooping resources do you currently have in place?

Confronting her is futile. She knows she is having an affair.

The idea is to tell people who DON'T know.

Goodness, don't talk to her. Whatever for?

Get a good exposure plan in place. You can say nice soothing things AT her, or pretend to listen to her ranting, but don't try and talk TO her. You'll only hear nonsense.

As far as MB is concerned im trying to work out how to proceed.

Yes...I've been confronting as I found offenses...most recently as a week ago with pastor and his wife involved.

Yes...I've been pouring on the charm for last 3months...talking with her a lot...regular date nights...daily little suprises to communicate love to,her etc etc.
At the same time, seeing her slip away into various emotional online connections, and recently a friendship with OM and visiting his town (under the pretense to annoy me as she was suspicious I had been tracking her).

Many of my wife's online accounts I am aware of and have access to. She has somewhat stopped using iPad and laptop, totally stopped using landline ph, resorting to 99% of the time using iPhone4 only.
I have Webwatcher to monitor ipad and laptop activities. The icloud update has been turned off on her mob oh so webwatcher will not record. Neither will "fFindmyiPhone" app track her mob oh location as that feature has been turned off.
She is making her mob ph available to me upon request.

So, idk whether to continue to if she has stopped affair, loving her in ways that communicate love to her, talking with regards to love busters, policy of joint agreement, trust etc etc...?

Were you interested in trying Marriage Builders? You continue to cite all these useless and unproductive actions and I am not sure why. You know bits and pieces about Marriage Builders but don't understand HOW to use them.

That is very helpful to the affair. Like you said earlier:


Are you trying to help her hide her affair?