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Re action taken last time...I simply don't have access to her vehicle...keys always on her person.
And her pone is held even closer...had Webwatcher monitoring but is limited to iCloud backups...and now icloud password is changed.

Working on a rechargeable gps for vehicle.

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Do this: Get her iPhone. Go to Settings: Privacy: Location Services: System Services: Frequent Locations. The history there may very well document your suspicions.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
#2858184 06/20/15 05:32 PM
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Hi,
Brief history...my wife had been chatting online...I suspected emotional affair...collated evidence etc...she ended up having physical affair 5 times with a man from town 2hours away over last 3months. To paint how cold...and vile her attitude toward me got...eg we explored some new things sexually between us over last 4months...sensual massage...sex toys...etc...she was using me/us as testing ground for OM. The affair peaked when she skipped out of work at night, to drive 2hours to his house...(previously hotel and rear of car in truckers rest stop)...his invit ion to his house came when his wife was in hospital with one of their kids I'll. So here is my wife, in another mans bed, unbeknownst to his wife.
Now, the affair has ended. Things between my wife and OM broken. She has divulged everything to me...in detail...currently going thru withdrawl.
She spends 90% of our conversation talking about the affair...maybe 10% on what it did to me...and no time talking about how we can avoid in future.
She does not believe me when I tell her I think she is beautiful...desirable...refuses my romantic chase, but still has sex with me often.

How do I get her to start talking to ME.?

How do I get her to respond and believe she is s beautiful?

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Did you expose the affair? Does the OM's wife know what your wife has done? Here is the checklist of extraordinary precautions:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Threads merged. Please stick to one thread.

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hi,
yes checklist sorted...still working on "Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse)".

My dilema lays, in that whilst i recognize the need for my wife to withdraw, and painful and time consuming that may be, she is already wanting to have "serious talks" regarding what it was that drove her to the affair. At no point has she recognized that she has seriously hurt me. Ive not communicated my pain of betrayal whatsoever.

Should I continue to love on her, allowing her space and time to recover?
Should I allow her to see how hurt I am, even when she is clearly not coping with her own hurts?

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Battling fear of not being able to fulfill my wifes emotional need...
She tells me "reason" for affair was I wasnt protecting...providing...tells me OM was such a good conversationalist...made her feel desired...he was fresh...something new.
The "protecting and providing" i can see...over the years ive been a little slow with eg protecting her emotionally...I have always worked so the providing she mentions is that of eg "a vision for tomorrow".
Im not a chirpy conversationalist. I do an can communicate well, but its the light hearted, flirtations im not natural at.
How do i compete with "fresh...something new".
How do i compete with the exitement of having been desired by, and with another (15years my junior) man?

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Originally Posted by Rupertdk
hi,
yes checklist sorted...still working on "Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse)".

My dilema lays, in that whilst i recognize the need for my wife to withdraw, and painful and time consuming that may be, she is already wanting to have "serious talks" regarding what it was that drove her to the affair. At no point has she recognized that she has seriously hurt me. Ive not communicated my pain of betrayal whatsoever.

Should I continue to love on her, allowing her space and time to recover?
Should I allow her to see how hurt I am, even when she is clearly not coping with her own hurts?

If your wife hasn't done the "block communications" things fully and completely, there is every chance she is still in contact with OM. She will not begin to notice all that you do for her if he is still in the picture.

Originally Posted by Rupertdk
Battling fear of not being able to fulfill my wifes emotional need...
She tells me "reason" for affair was I wasnt protecting...providing...tells me OM was such a good conversationalist...made her feel desired...he was fresh...something new.
The "protecting and providing" i can see...over the years ive been a little slow with eg protecting her emotionally...I have always worked so the providing she mentions is that of eg "a vision for tomorrow".
Im not a chirpy conversationalist. I do an can communicate well, but its the light hearted, flirtations im not natural at.
How do i compete with "fresh...something new".
How do i compete with the exitement of having been desired by, and with another (15years my junior) man?
The fact that she's making these direct comparisons suggests that he's still around, giving her something to compare.

Are you in touch with his wife? Do you know whether she spies on her husband? Does your wife have any more unexplained 200-mile trips?

You need to get a lot more active at bringing this affair to a close.

You can work on learning the conversation style that suits her. It is a matter of trial and error in your daily communications. Do you get out of the house with her for at least 15 hours per week of recreational activity, without the kids?

How you compete with the 15 year younger boy is by getting him out of the picture, and then meeting your wife's primary ENs, including her need for family commitment. She needs commitment to her kids, and she needs it from their father. She can't get what their father gives them from an OM stepdad who only got together with her for sex. He isn't interested in her kids and would run in horror at the idea of becoming a father to them. He doesn't want to be a husband to your wife. He wants to have sex with your wife.

Once he's out the way, she can have sex, conversation, family time, recreational time and affection with you, and she won't have to sneak around like a whore, kept out of public view, in order to get those things.

You need to read and re-read Jon's story in Surviving an Affair, and see how alike your situations are. Do you have that book? You need to have confidence that you are the man for your wife, and you need to run of the weasel OM and show her that.

As happened with Jon, your wife will not recognise for some time that she seriously hurt you. If you allow your resentment to build because that isn't forthcoming, you are causing more problems for yourself.


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wow.
what you have said is both eye opening, and encouraging.
I am confident the OM is out of the picture. Ive had communication from him, from my wife, from OM wife etc etc all pointing to the fact the affair is finished.
OM wife is of no current, or further help. She is in a terrible situation, almost condoning his actions. She didnt even get upset when told my wife had sex in her bed with her husband.

My wife and I have been spending a lot of time together, both dating and general functional activities. We have been having regular sexual relations also. Im expecting trials during the withdrawl process. Currently going thru a physical distancing...ie...my wife is almost repulsed if i cuddle or kiss her...especially in public.
We are going away for a few days atm...to get some quiet time together.
I will have further looks into articles here. Where can i get that book you mentioned?

I think my concern in this, is, that while im confident the affair is over, that my wifes behaviours are not changing.
During the months of affair, she did not contribute with household duties, yet we dated a lot...had sex a lot...She was using her ipad and iphone a lot.
To date...
...little to no remorse for what she has done to marriage
relationship...how she has hurt me.
...little to no assistance with household duties
...no unexplained trips away, however has continued to use iphone and ipad with no offering of transparency

Seems she is ok with cutting affair, and just slotting back into our marriage with no acknowledgement of her actions.

Is that expectable?

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Originally Posted by Rupertdk
Where can i get that book you mentioned?
Seriously? That book is THE affair handbook - the best in the world!. It must have been recommended on this thread, and I know it has been recommended on several other threads.

Have you read any other threads?

If you've read the articles on this website, how can you not know about Dr Harley's book, and where to get it? You've been here months!

I'm speechless!


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Originally Posted by markos
Welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the circumstances that bring you here.

Have you seen the following?



Dr. Harley's Marriage Builders Basic Concepts

Surviving an Affair - Start Here First
There is a link to the book in the link here - Surviving an Affair - Start Here First. Did you ever follow these links through? You couldn't have done.


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Rupert, you've been really wet about this whole thing.

I had to read your thread through again quickly, to find the link to the book, and I'm dismayed by how wet you've been.


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oh, i neglected to ask...for example...behaviours leading the the affair in the first place...eg...online chatting/making self available for chatting on an online adult site...

My wife initially met OM via swingersheaven.com (we are NOT swingers). I had initially asked her to delete her account and cut chatting with OM...both she and OM agreed but continued to do so out of sight.

Now, she has been in brief chat with a number of other "swingers" local to our area.

At this point of affair recovery, I feel it is completely calous for her to even log into this site considering. The site members use KIK for comms, which i assume my wife has now also downloaded...havent asked.

I dont want to block the withdrawl from OM...or engage in LoveBusters...but how do I address this?...

Considering moving out until she can commit to marriage.

seems hopeless.

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wait..."WET"???

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though in a confused manner (as was carried out before I found MB) all of Basic Concepts and Surving Affair have been carried out.
Admittedly it was a little messy re the EXPOSURE as like i said was before I knew of and understood process.
Love bank and Love busters is not a new concept to me.

WET?

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Originally Posted by Rupertdk
oh, i neglected to ask...for example...behaviours leading the the affair in the first place...eg...online chatting/making self available for chatting on an online adult site...

My wife initially met OM via swingersheaven.com (we are NOT swingers). I had initially asked her to delete her account and cut chatting with OM...both she and OM agreed but continued to do so out of sight.

Now, she has been in brief chat with a number of other "swingers" local to our area.

At this point of affair recovery, I feel it is completely calous for her to even log into this site considering. The site members use KIK for comms, which i assume my wife has now also downloaded...havent asked.

I dont want to block the withdrawl from OM...or engage in LoveBusters...but how do I address this?...

Considering moving out until she can commit to marriage.

seems hopeless.
"Now, she has been in brief chat with a number of other "swingers" local to our area"

You mean - since the affair? Is this recent?

You forgot to mention this?

Yes, wet. That's an example!


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its 4am in morning...with only a few hours sleep...im physically and emotionally exhasted...forgive me for not having been 100% informative.

OK...so im wet. (???)

How would you respond to the furthering chats?

It would seem if i request her to "cease and desist" that i will provoke a "lovebuster"???

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Originally Posted by Rupertdk
It would seem if i request her to "cease and desist" that i will provoke a "lovebuster"???
If the alternative to a lovebuster is for you to allow the swinging chats to continue, then you must risk a lovebuster.

What is the alternative? To let her carry on chatting with swingers? What about photographing her private parts, and what about meeting up with these swingers , which she will eventually do? Would you risk a love buster by trying to stop that, or not?

Your wife is very troubled. You need to expose this latest activity and ask for people's help in getting her to stop. What was the response from family the last time you asked for their help? What does her family think about her affair, and what would they think about this? Would they try and rescue her?

You need to tell your children, too. Did you tell them about the affair?

Is she doing this openly, or are you spying on her? What spyware do you have?


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Were you interested in trying Marriage Builders? You continue to cite all these useless and unproductive actions and I am not sure why. You know bits and pieces about Marriage Builders but don't understand HOW to use them.
MelodyLane thought you were being wet when she took you task about your inaction, back in March. You were floundering around saying "what can I do?" and disappearing from the forum, reappearing several days later with nothing more done.

This thread should be buzzing with activity, but it's only 50 posts long, in 3 months. Nobody will post to you if you do not post regularly, and if you do not act on their advice.


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hi,
am only 11days from Dday where my wife confessed everything i had suspected for last 4 months.
In detail she has informed me of her activities etc of affair...and shown me that she is done with OM.
I have been very...very patient...with her and her need to talk as she enters withdrawl.
However, she has not expressed apology/remorse for what she has done to our marriage.
And to boot, she has somewhat continued with her profile in an online adult "swingers" site, contacting local OM. To date has been only random comments.
With being in withdrawl so early, how do I approach this, while not wanting to LOVEBUST.???

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