My husband and i recently reconciled late last year after I had filed for divorce in January of 2014. He had had an affair and thought his life would be great, which is wasnt when he moved out. After MC and many talks, we decided to try and he moved back in.

Well, since he moved back, he brought a multitude of financial problems with him (which i didnt know about prior to hin moving back). He has been stressed, depressed and checked out from his family. I recently found text messages back to this OW he had had the affair with last year. I comfronted him and he initially denied it and then admitted he had done it to escape reality. That I drove him to it.

Im at a loss. I cant beleive he would blame me! he is not apologetic or remoursful.

I think its time i cut my losses...

He is 50, she is 30.

I'm very sorry to hear this.

The last time you posted here, he had just moved out and you were DONE. Beyond done. You did not want him back even if the affair ended.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=169412&Number=2805608#Post2805608

What made you decide to go to marriage counselling? How did the MC know that he was properly committed to you?

Did you use the list of EPs that Dr Harley recommends before you allowed him to move back?

I don't have time to read right through your old thread, but from this


I can see that she was a co-worker. What happened about getting him out of that job? Do they still work together?

Did you call off the divorce?

Where was he living when he moved out - with OW?

Yes, you are correct, I was done.

He did move out and I continued with divorce proceedings.

He came to me after some time and was (appeared to be) remourseful, apologetic and was eager to go to MC. He cut off all contact with the OW and apologized and to the kids to never hurt them again.

The MC seemed like things were in a good place for us, she beleived his was sincere. but idk, maybe he was at the time...

This was a longer process but I thought after 23 years of marriage and 3 kids, it was worth one shot.

Things were really good for awhile, but he wasnt honest with his financial problems and this has added alot of stress to the marriage.

I will own that i havnt handled all thus added stress well, Im tired of his financial choices, 30 years of one bad decision after another and then this affair on top of it. This affair is not my fault, i was under alot of stress too but didnt text another man to help me get through it.

I just dont know how to accept his lack of remorse. Its like it was nothing and he is waiting for it blow over.

I cant afford to divorce just yet and need to save up to get this started again.

I just dont understand any of it....

he left this job, but fired her prior to leaving it himself. That was one thing I insisted on.

There us nothing to understand. He does not want to be your faithful husband, and that's the long and short of it.

You need to kick him out.

There are lots of posters who are good at giving advice about separating yourself from his financial problems. I hope some will show up soon. In the meantime, can you answer the questions about the co-worker? Do they still work together?

Did you ever expose to the workplace, and to her boyfriend?

I did call off the divorce.

He had gotten his own apt and was NOT living with the OW.

He gave up the apt and moved home.

Im thinking he was strapped financially and came home for all the wrong reasons...i was duped for sure.

I do have a meeting next week with my lawyer.

I feel so foolish for beleiving him. Angry that he blames me.

This is why we tell people not to go to MCs. YOU knew he was not recovering the m but the 'expert' didn't? They just peddle yes man diagnoses. If you want false hope and have the money to pay for it you're in luck.

I'm so sorry you've been so badly let down by TWO people you gave your trust to.

i dont understand why he came back at all? why lie to me, kids, everyone...

Maybe he came back for $ reasons? maybe it was easier then living alone? idk...

and then to blame me...ugh...that infuriates me.

Men like to have access to both women. Most especially the home base and the domestic support. A married man will always come home.

Why we see so many false recoveries.

Are you going to do proper NC? A plan b?

I know he wont leave voluntarily, he will wait for the court to kick him out. He just doesnt have the financial means to leave and will make me really work at getting him out..

In the meantime, he walk around here like nothing happened, no big deal...waiting for this to blow over or something and feeling the least bit responsible...

How can someone be like that???

Why do you need his agreement?!

Change the locks while he's out, send his stuff on to storage. Send him NC letter with storage details.


Simples.

If you wait for a court to sort out basic things you can do yourself you'll be dead of a heart problem long before that.

I have already talked to two lawyers about this....if I kicked him out, he can come back in. Unless he volunarily leaves or there is abuse, I cannot force him out of his home.

So I leave all his stuff on the driveway and change the locks. He will be back in no time...

Yes a lawyer told me the same thing - after I'd already done it.

You see I didn't ask a lawyer for permission to kick my cheating husband out. Ridiculous.

It's been two years and I'm well aware that he could break back in. Legally.

However practically, he won't do that. There's nothing here for him. No stuff. Nothing but an angry wife. Within about five minutes the house would also be filled with angry wife's family - and his own.

The minute he left the locks would be changed again.

On top of all that I'd file a RO, call the police to log it etc.

Not that it would get that far. I installed an alarm system that he can't turn off.

Even if he came in determined to stay I would at least know I'd tried before moving out myself. You can't just roll over like this.

Indie is right. We were renting and my landlord told me I couldn't change the locks because he was on the lease. I did it anyway. He threatened to complain, but did nothing. Chances are that nothing will happen.

Are you sure about that? Have you asked him to move? I have been here for 14 years and only know of ONE INCIDENT where the WS called the police to force his way back in.

I would be asking him to get out and packing his bags. If he calls the police, then don't give him the key. Tell the police you can't stand to have him in your home and ask them to encourage him to go elsewhere. If you are fORCED to let him in, then lock him out again and again.

And the reason he moved home is because he needed a new flophouse.

The problem is that the conditions which allowed him to carry on his affair were not removed.
Dr. Harleys methods for recovering from an affair WORK but they muat be followed exactly as detailed in his book Surviving An Affair. For some reason you chose not to follow his methods and opted for a local marriage counselor.

No wayward is going to risk you standing on the doorstep explaining to police officers that he can't come in because he's having an affair.

The cops will just go.