You are seriously torturing yourself by not entering a dark PB. I have been in a dark PB since November and only 1 week ago had my first contact with H which was strange, but made me realize how strong the PB process has made me and forced me to see our relationship with crystal clear classes instead of rose colored glasses. The first couple days were tough to get through but that's why you need a strong IM that will be totally honest with you and not let you cave into your old habits and also help you by being an objective observer/listener. Your WW will likely flip when she has something she needs to talk to you about (finances or visitation) and she is redirected to your IM. That is the reality punch to her gut that may be the factor that opens her eyes. But you HAVE to STICK WITH IT for it to be effective!!!! NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER!! Not by phone, in person (not even in children's activities or visitation drop off/pick ups), e-mail, snail mail, telegraph, smoke signal, or even carrier pigeon. NO CONTACT AT ALL! Go Dark or go home! It's a wonderful Peaceful Place!

Hi All,

Thank you all for your advice and support. There is a bit of conflicting advice here. Some say plan b/lawyer up and others say plan A now? How can I make deposits in her lovebank when we have no contact? I am pleasant and supportive in all email contact and give in to most reasonable demands. I have a lawyer and agreed shared contact. I see my children regularly.

My WW continually makes selfish demands like "I want this/that sent to me" - we share a holiday home together. She doesn't even use my name any more in addressing me, just direct demands. I comply with the reasonable ones and ignore the others. I wish her well and remain pleasant in all email communications.

I should add that I think I made a mistake after my wife petitioned me for divorce and started my own petition which is running alongside. Is this right or wrong? It is very hard to deal with the extreme emotions to instinctively hurt the one you love deeply but I am considering dropping my petition as a demonstration of my wish for reconciliation. Feedback would be appreciated here please.

We have agreed in principle for me to not contest her divorce due to cost implications. If I don't she will end up seeking costs from me and this will leave me penniless as well divorced. I am thinking of my and my children's financial future here. I have no savings and my lawyers bills are very high. My WW has ample funds at her disposal to fight me.

I remain positive.

Thanks again,

DD.

At this point being WW has moved out I think you should go plan B for it is very hard to plan A with the WW out of the house.

Go to the MB home page and start looking for contact info and send an email to Dr Harley. Emails are sent through his wife Joyce. Follow the link

http://www.marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi4200_radio.html

The advice is free. You include your phone # and they will call you. If not then they will address the question on the radio show and you can listen to the answer.

Ding Dong,

How does she have ample funds while you don't?

Also, I second the Anti-depressants and listening to the radio show. The A.D.s will make a huge difference and right now you have to have clear and logical thinking to get through this terrible time.

FYI, Dr. H has very different advice for men verses women in this situation (beyond the exposure, which is the same for everyone), which the vets know and he discusses often on his radio show.

I am very sorry to hear that you are surrounded by enablers, or at least your wife is.

Husbands are advised to Plan A for as long as possible. You might actually find it easier with her gone. Make her feel welcome to return.

You should Plan B only if it gets too much for you or you start lovebusting her under strain.

Let lawyers protect you and do the rough stuff while you Plan A. If she mentions divorce just say 'I do not talk divorce, I talk marriage'. If she complains about anything your lawyer does tell her you would happily stop the whole thing and reconcile.

Hi Folks,

Thanks to you all for your ongoing support. I spoke with the good Doctor and Joyce the other day live on their radio show. Their advice was to send a letter to my WS outlining the current impasse and my willingness to change and rebuild our marriage despite her affair (just touched on the OM). They advised to not pester her but stay in plan A for at least another 6 months and review after that. My financial date for court looms in early May so I wait patiently. I sent the letter but received no response (3 days ago). He said not to expect an immediate response if any in the short term but remain calm. He said the fog lifts from time to time and they can see a way out of this disaster if they are willing to reach out and make the change. It's up to her now. Dr. Harley and Joyce did recommend anti-depressants but I think I can manage without them for now. I feel a little better now and still hopeful despite the lack of any response from my WS.

If anyone would like to see the letter I will happily DM it to them but not keen on publishing on the open forum.

I live in hope and appreciate all of your support.

Thank you,

DD.

Did you man PM not DM. PM feature is disabled on this site.

Anyway your last post is good news in that you called DR H and spoke with him. So do your best plan A. Do you have kids?

I just saw that you have kids.

Who are they living with now?

Great way to plan A:

Plan family outings and casually invite the WW to join. Most likely the WW will turn you down and that is ok. Just keep doing it. Make the outings fun. Eventually the kids on their own will tell their mom all about the great time they had.

Post pictures of the kids and you having a great time on these outings on FB.

Eventually WW will feel she is being left out and want in on these outings or the kids may guilt her into coming on one during a brief fog lift.

Also as WW seeing the new you she can at the same time be having problems with the OM and she will question why is she with the OM and cause WW to join the next family outing.

WW on an outing will cause the OM all sorts of problems causing him to rage at your WW accusing her of dating you behind his back.
So not only a perfect plan A opportunity also a perfect opportunity to cause the OM fits and him showing his true colors which will cause dissension in their affair.

Radio Clip on DingDong's Show
Segment #2
Segment #3
Segment #4

Hi TheRoad,

I have shared care but my children spend the bulk of the time with their Mother.

Thanks to you and BrainHurts for your input and posts. How can I Plan A when my wife won't even reply to my email?

I have been spending a great deal of time with my children and doing what you suggested like Facebook photos and posts etc. since she left with the children last August but she unfriended all my family/friends and blocked me totally.

She seems very disinterested in speaking or communicating with me apart from things about my children. They are all away on holiday until next week so we'll wait and see. I don't want to push things too far as the Doctor suggested that I don't pester her. I think that I might try to ask her if she would like to join the children and I on an outing of some sort and see what happens from there (thanks for suggesting). Failing that I think that it might be best to sit tight.

Any further suggestion or advice is welcome.

Thanks again.

DD.

Hi All,

Just being met now with lots of selfish demands about the kids care and future plans. My WS has booked a holiday with the children without any regard for my plans - no consultation or discussions just statement of dates AMD "I'm booked". Her behaviour is very controlling and constantly reminding me of how I didn't give in to our mediated settlement last year and she has to go through this process because of me and it's costing her a fortune. It's nearly 3months since my nuclear exposure and the anger is still very evident. My wife believed that everything would be great and she would have it all. It appears not to be the case and she is going to lose a hell of a lot with this divorce not least of all her husband and her family. The selfishness of the whole thing is astounding. She won't mediate with me in relation to the children's care. I think she knows this is probably the only way of getting to/hurting me via the kids. On the outside I am very positive and non-judgemental in communication. I'm resisting the temptation at every turn to blame her affair. I am going to see if we can meet when she gets back from her holiday. I think that this might be a small step if she'll agree to it.

Can anyone help how I could suggest this to her while she clearly doesn't want to be in a room with me.

I remain as best I can in plan A and welcome any advice.

Thanks again.

DD.

Have you received a response from your WW from the letter you sent her like Dr. Harley recommended?

Also, what things did you tell her you would change?

DD,
Glad you sent the letter. I hope it had a tender and loving tone.

I sent one to my WW about 3 months after she left the home. I never got a reply from her and I wasn't even sure she read it. Then about 14 months after that, when we recovered and I helped her move her things out of her old place and back into our home, I found the letter in her things. She had not only read it, but she kept it. I was surprised, and I learned at that moment that Plan A bears fruit.

Even though there is limited contact with your wife at this moment, you can Plan A from a distance. In fact, it's easier because she is not flaunting her affair in your face every moment you're with her. The Plan A process takes time. A lot of time. And so you will various opportunities over the next few months to make love bank deposits even though she is not living with you. You can space them out. Just avoid DJ's and AO's in your communications with her over children, even when she baits you...and she will.

Her affair is likely to crumble. And when it does, she will look to you as an option if you did a good Plan A and made yourself attractive to her and made your home a safe landing spot.

Hi Brainhurts,

Thanks for your post. I have had no response from my email as yet. I'm not expecting a response as she appears to be hell bent of the destruction of the marriage for now. There are a few surprises for her in relation to the financial side of things which may/may not have a bearing on her potential to respond. Only time will tell. I won't go into it here but her financial settlement may not be as cut and dried as she thinks. Her lawyer has advised mine that she has to lower her expectations for rehousing for one. Her Mother is the huge negative influence on her at present as it has been a great opportunity for them to reconnect. Her Mother had an affair which ended her marriage 30 or so years go. She told me after I met her that her Mother is a very selfish person and it's funny that she is now following that same path.

I didn't mention specific changes in my email but generalised about improving my behaviour. I didn't want to muddy the water with detail.

Thanks again.

DD

Thanks Justthe3ofus for your post.

It's nice to know that you have had a positive outcome to your situation. What sort of things did you do in Plan A which helped you both move forward? It's very hard to keep going but I must for the sake of my wife, our marriage and my children.

Her communications are littered with what I did/didn't do in the past, even when we went to mediation last year. She seems very annoyed that I'm not giving her the easy out - quick financial settlement, roll over and go away scenario.

My WW now takes my eldest daughter's phone off her for 2 or 3 days when she has been naughty (not really naughty just cheeky). She knows that taking away my ability to speak with my children is very hurtful to me. This is her only way of affecting me. She has done her worst. How could I address this without disrespectful behaviour.

Your are so right with regard to her behaviour. She seems to want to goad me into an argument all the time with disrespectful behaviour and judgements. She makes plans for the children without any consultation with me and expects me to go with exactly what she wants all the time. Can I do to anything to work around this?

Thanks again for all your support.

DD

DD,
Things you can do in Plan are:
Letters, tender text messages, care packages when she is sick. Do these things occasionally without smothering or acting desperate. Don't cry. Don't be morose. Be as genuinely upbeat as you can. Be humorous. Dress nicely. Polish your shoes. Keep your clothes neatly pressed. Make sure the house is tidy. Be the world's greatest father. And through it all, maintain a consistent respectful tone with no angry outbursts in all communications, no matter how limited. All of these things are actually easier for you do because you are not getting disrespected by her in your home at the present time.

In order to execute a good Plan A, you need to feel good, which is hard. So exercise regularly. A lot of us run and that helps a lot. You have to fill your life with as much positives as you can. If you have a good support network of friends and family, capitalize on it. Some of us found tremendous solace in church and prayer. For me those were a bedrock that strengthened my resolve.

Keep in mind that Plan A is not Plan Pushover. Even though you are in Plan A and are trying to meet your ww's emotional needs while avoiding all Love Busters, you should not put up with her disrespectful judgments or angry outbursts or anything else inconsiderate and rude. You still need to stand up for yourself.

Though you don't want to morally degrade her for the affair, when the subject is brought up by her, she has to own it. She is the one making these choices, not you. When my wife would try and goad me into an argument I would deflect, parry her strike, and then leave the conversation (usually text messages). But I would not avoid the real issue (infidelity) and I would confront it head on when necessary. When she would try and blame me for things, I would let her know that her choices brought us to this place. But I would not get into a circular argument with her. I ended the conversation before too many missiles could be fired. In a nutshell, don't let her bully you because she is angry and bitter.

Years ago, a mentor teacher told me, "I used to want my students to like me. And then I learned that that was the wrong approach. I learned to want to my students to respect me first. So I built in a better classroom management system based on clearly defined lines of respect, and my students not only respected me, but they liked me!"

Marriage and classroom management are not perfectly analogous, of course. But in your situation, if you don't stand by your principles and preserve your dignity (without DJ's and AO's) then your WW will not only not respect you, but she will also be even more repulsed and find you utterly unattractive.

Deep down she wants you to fight for her and she wants you to be strong.

Plan A is a tricky thing, but as long as you make yourself look attractive to her, shower her you care, let her know that door is still open, and you avoid love busters, you will do okay.

Do your children know about their mom's affair?

Hi Brainhurts,

I told my children at the time of the exposure back in late January 2014. I told them in simple childlike language "that unfortunately their Mam wasn't happy with Dad and stopped loving him. She moved out when she met someone else and loves him now but unfortunately he already has a wife and children. He doesn't want to be with Mammy and that has made Mammy very unhappy. Daddy really loves Mammy with all his heart and wants to try and be with her. Daddy will always love Mammy and you both so don't ever forget that."

My wife went ballistic and said I was using the children against her. She then went to the Police and the drama ensued from there with divorce proceedings issued straight away after I told her friends, colleagues and this man's colleagues & wife.

I did also mention to them (probably a mistake on my part) that this OM had hit their Mam and he is a nasty piece of work. I asked them if they ever came into contact with him they were to be very careful. This man has assaulted my wife once that I am aware of and I genuinely feared for their safety.

The kids don't seem to be a great priority to her as she palms them off to relatives at any opportunity to be with her job and facilitating (non) friends who assure her that she'll be happy soon. Meanwhile the anti d's and the alcohol flows to try and numb the pain. Very sad, but I'm upbeat and focused on what is needed.

Thanks for your continued support.

DD.

Thanks for this Justthe3ofus,it makes proper sense what you've said here. I'll try my best to implement a good plan a and take it from there. Meanwhile her animosity gets worse with every email. I deflect this as per your post and keep my communications positive and honest.

Thank you very much for your continued support.

DD.