Describing in nice terms, my wife cheated and lied. Now she is the victim? I was called an abuser and now a cheater? Something wrong with the picture.

This is my side of the story.

As friends, she flirted all the time with me. We ended up kissing without being yet in a formal relationship, although was a really close friendship. I read a letter she wrote to a friend, describing who would become OM as her blue prince and ideal man and describing me as her best friend. That was the start of the heart breakings. I had thought she considered me more. I withdrew from our friendship.

Then, she started calling me more. I thought her heart opened to me. We got closer, but then, OM asked her out and she went ahead and chose him and dated him. I withdrew again, and started getting closer to my ex.

She was out of my picture, but after three months, she saw me with my ex, and started calling me again. We became friends again, and started dating.

We had a class project the next day and we met in OM's house. She arrived earlier, and her jacket was on his bed. I asked her about it. Up to this day, I think she had something with him that day, the first day of us being boyfriends, although her story is that it was that she arrived minutes early that day due to their breaking up topic. So, why didn't she break up over the phone? Who goes to a man's room to break up?

So, I let it go. In the years of our dating, everytime he was around us, she gets nervous, and after he left, she acted different, was not talkative. Obviously she had feelings. I ignored that.

So, we married. 2 years into marriage, we run into him and his girlfriend in the movies. My wife is nervous as always, and we get home, and starts cleaning the house without talking much. Okay, so I let it go.

4 years into marriage, I find she googled him, and was trying to get in touch with him. She justified that with my contact with my ex. She was infatuated with her ex, while my relationship with my ex was that of siblings relationship, someone I met since pre-k. No comparison.

Then, 6 years into marriage, She starts picking up fights, and one day, she plainly says I dont love you anymore. She leaves the country with her ex.

I call her, she admits she had been in chat contact and then traveled with him, nothing else came out of her mouth. She wouldn't talk about her past. I wanted to be with her, so I did not want to admit it it had been more and did not want to know, so I did not read thieir chat. I did forgive her for having chatted with him and having planned a trip with him, but in no way did I ever think she had gone into a full affair with him. We set rules to our new life, we kept a journal track to keep improving. She promised to never chat with him again and we start a relationship. She gave me her passwords, I install spywares, cameras, until, We gradually build our relationship.

4 years into that, we visit her sister. Her sister's vibe triggered me, so I wanted to know what my wife and OM had chatted about in the past. What?!!!!!! She had declared her love to him, dedicated a song to him, planned her leaving me with him, revealed all our marriage secrets, problems. She had been in chat for 5 months. She met three times with him. She had ended the affair by telling him he was her platonic love, that was her ideal man but had a commitment with me and would restart over with me. I was ignorant of this. what kind of closure is that? if that is even a closure.

one year past that, Okay, I did not handle it well the first year, she contacted MB and I get accused of being an abuser. We start working over reasonable concepts. Then, she demands more and more, she starts snooping around, while she was the unfaithful one. Its annoying.

Conclusion: I married a wife who has a platonic love with OM, always has been infatuated with him from the start of our relationship, and even if she is not in contact with him, he has always been in her heart. So, why did she marry me? Why did she get back with me? And I am trying to work things out, she is advised by MB to snoop on me?

Which thread is your wife's?

I'm sorry; I forgot my calculator. So, can you be a little less obtuse about how long you have been married and how long ago these events occurred.

Platonic love and infatuation are at opposite ends of the spectrum, BTW.

This is newcase's H. I recognize the story.

Welcome to MB, sir.

The reason I went through all the detail is to display how she has been infatuated with this man from the start of our relationship, events which I was blinded from.

Actually, wife's display name was FSadSoul.

Hi PC, welcome to Marriage Builders. In what ways does your wife feel you are abusing her?

I was not abusing her. My wife felt she was abused because she was told so.

I did have a bit of a temper before the affair and we did have issues with my behavior, but I had changed already.

After I read the e-mails, I had a disconnect in my brain. The pain struck me hard. Her, out of all the people in the world? People saw her as saint, little more gave her wings. Her true identity came as raining rocks.

I did not abuse her. I was only dealing with my pain. But, okay, maybe it wasn't the best way, and I did realize that and change again, and started working things out. She called me a controller, I changed. She called me a manipulator, I changed. She said I wasn't completing her needs, I changed. She said I was always insulting her, I changed.

My real pain is that no matter what, I never had closure and will never be able to have closure. She took that away. She made a closure alone, if telling him he is the most wonderful man in the world can even be considered a closure. Yet, while I try to deal with my pain and create a relationship, she is snooping around my things.

You don't need 'closure' you need the no contact letter as outlined in SAA.

I'm not sure if his WW has sent the NC letter or not, good question.

But the behavior your wife has described here I would consider abusive.

Also the fact that she has had an affair 5 years ago does not give you an excuse to refuse to be transparent/accountable with her.

That is exactly my point.

I can't have the no contact letter as outlined, where she would mention the pain she caused, she would mention the respect she would show me.

Even her "no contact letter" was based on lies, telling him that I knew, while I didn't, telling him her parent knew, while they had no no idea. She wanted him out now to eliminate all evidence and still play the saint role and get back with me only to keep me from telling her parents about the chat, and keep that image she had in front of her parents.

Obviously, I was never meant to read the letter.

I have work to do. But before returning, because I am very busy, my wife is seeking advise from here, and her last advise is getting her paranoid and us further away. I am not having an affair, did not have an affair, will never have an affair, and my chat conversations with my ex were because of the pain she caused, I needed support, not affair based chats. I temporarily have given my ex up, but yes, I still have all her contact information. My ex is my friend, like a sister to me. My wife cheats, and I have to give up my friends now.

PC, your closure would come in the form of a happy and fulfilling marriage with extraordinary precautions. That can be your future if you follow the plan here. It's worked for multitudes, and it can work for you. If your wife has not followed the plan and sent her OM a no contact letter, then make sure she does that. She seems open to the plan, and if she follows it, it will make you feel safe again.

Our philosophy here is that any former lovers are a very serious threat to your marriage, and so both of you should end all contact with former lovers.

I think you can see how continued contact with a former lover led your wife right into an affair. You are not any safer continuing to contact your former lover, even if you feel like you could never do such a thing. It also seems to be hurting your wife that you continue to contact this woman and hide your contact with her from your wife.

You are playing with fire.

Pro Choice opposite sex friendships can play no part in a marriage. Yes that includes ex's who are like sisters. This is where affairs start when someone else starts meeting emotional needs who is not your spouse.

You shouldn't have had this friendship with your ex to begin with.

Dr Harley does not support opposite sex friendships in marriage.

So, will you end all contact with your girlfriend and give your wife all your passwords? And will you give her access to all your devices?

Is she welcome to check up on you, whenever and however she wants?

Are you going to start following the MB plan, and start building a life of complete transparency and romance with your wife? Are you going to meet her emotional needs? Are you going to take her out on dates?

Are you committed to never disrespecting her, never having an angry outburts, and never making another demand?

You are leading a secret second life. If you will not provide full transparency to your wife, and if you will not commit to protecting her and caring for her, then you are dangerous for her.

Prochoice,

If you are here to try to solve problems that are in the past and complain about your wife's behaviour in the past, you will never be happy.

On the other hand, you will be happy, if you are looking to improve your marriage from this day on, you can indeed have a happy marriage. To achieve that, it is neccesary to change the things that have contributed to past problems.

Your behaviour towards her is a recipe to make you look bad and marriage with you a difficult life. If you keep grilling her about the past that is a surefire way to keep the OM alive in her head and, compared to your behaviour, probably looking good.

Nothing in your wife's posts gives the impression that she does not see her role in your past problems. But you seem to minimize your role in the demise of your relationship.

Dangerous? I have always protected her, maybe not the right way, but I did care and love her deeply. So we did have some episodes of violence, but it was never towards her. I did acknowledge my wrongs and apologize to her, yet, she still left.

I do want to reconstruct our lives. I do have to admit most advises were positive, and have been helpful personally, but last ones havent been. Love should be based on trust. That is why I stopped snooping on her stuff. Then, why is she snooping on me? It is deviating from the main issue, her affair.

Love is NOT based on BLIND trust. Love is based on trust that is EARNED. You have not EARNED trust. You have not given her reason NOT to snoop.

PC,

Trust is earned. It's based on experience.

If what your wife is saying about hidden bank accounts and contact with other women and friends discussing the problems of your marriage is true, I would not trust you and I do not think she should either. I can certainly understand why you would have issues trusting her given what has happened, but that's not a license to do whatever you like to her.

Your wife left, but she also came back. Many, many men in your situation never get that second chance.

The main issue is whether you want to actually move forward and rebuild your marriage or not. You are not behaving like someone who wants to save their marriage and this is why we have advised your wife to be wary of you.

An apology does not erase violence or angry outbursts. It doesn't make you a safe person.



That is folk wisdom that has nothing to do with love. You should both be snooping on each other to make sure your marriage is safe. Snooping creates TRUST when the other spouse can see what you are doing when you think she is not looking.

It is a not a lack of trust that ruins marriages but a lack of boundaries.