What an ironic post.

Because we're more concerned about whether the known "threaten to kill her in front of their children" abusive husband has made any serious efforts to make himself safe to a wife we advised to leave him out of grave concern for her safety and that of their children.

PC,

I'm sorry to hear you have been handed divorce papers. And I do understand your concern about your wife having an affair. I'm sure you have triggers like the rest of us BSes that are setting off alarms because they take you back to her first affair in your mind.

BUT

It's also possible that what has happened is what everyone here was warning the both of your would happen if you did not stay separated long enough for you to be able to change destructive habits and behaviors.

It's true that your wife has cheated before, but what's also true is that you tend to minimize and dismiss what is very alarming behavior to your wife and the rest of us.

Your wife is human and reading in your post the only concern I see in your words is that this is her fault. This makes me think that you may have simply pushed her past her limits.

Sorry to be harsh but it's difficult to read you say "I have been doing everything I have been told" because that is not even slightly true. The two of you would not even be living together right now if you had any serious intentions of following the advice given here. You have cherry picked what advice you would even acknowledge here from the very beginning.

L, Dr Hs first priority is to eliminate lovebusters. If your spouse is cheating it's even more important you don't pour oil on fire.

An angry person is an insane person incapable of resolving or checking on marital problems. Infidelity (if there is any) requires a cool head.

Prochoice,


How have things been going since you have reconciled?
Have you tried and/or succeeded in removing the love busters from your repertoire?

for your wife, you have been a very difficult person to live with. You have told us, that you have continued to punish your wife in the past, while she was practictically begging you for forgiveness and some crumbs of love.
In your quest for justice (that is not effective, because you cannot change the past), you have been abusive and the two of you were separated. You have reconciled hastily, although it was recommended that you wait until you had absolved anger management and practised to have a positive relationship with your wife without love busters.

The difficult point in your relationship is, that your wife has been starved for kindness and love for a long long time. It is clear that you have been meaning to punish her, because you wanted to even out the things that have been hurtful to you in your perception. The downside from that is showing now:
1. you have been getting angrier instead of more loving during the course of that "punishment"
2. your wife is more starved for love and affection than ever before.

Good boundaries to people of the opposite sex are necessary in a good relationship. But if you are starved for some of the most important emotional needs at home, it is much harder not to react to little acts of kindness that are part of normal human interaction at work.

I am not sure she is having an affair at work. The other possibility could be, that there have been more love busters than you are even aware of. Or, the love bank deposits may not have been enough to even out the events of the past. If her love bank has been so low and you have scared her in the past, that in itself may have been enough to have her think about divorce, when there is no solution (in her opninion) in sight.

Please think about the events of the past months and about the things you could have done better. I really hope that you have slipped up here and there (which is human), because that gives you the possibility to change something yourself. Whereas if she decides to divorce, while you have been a perfect husband, there would not be much you can do.

Do not focus on her behaviour right now. Just look at your own possibilities to make positive changes. If you cannot come up with things to improve at the moment, think about things people tell you who are angry with you. Friends or enemies who are angry give us valuable information about our shortcomings, because they are honest in those moments. At other times they will be too polite to tell you the things which unnerve them about you.

Focus on your strength in making yourself take the high road.

My bad. I'm still very hypersensitive to WS's and FWS's blaming BS's for their behavior. Things are OK and improving with time.

Did you see the FWS doing that? If so, where?

If you're prepared to refer to her as a "known tramp", that is how you must refer to your wife, also.

Your right and I apologize for that and for distracting the thread.

I realized what it was, and I made things right. We are back in the game.

I was being honest with her to my opinion about us. I enjoy her company so much, and love being around her, but I am not in love with her, and nor she is in love with me. That is obvious. That truth is what kicked her off limits. And she has kept asking me about it, so I was more honest. I don't think we ever loved each other. We were best friends and had great times together, and there was no one in the world I would have rather been with than her, but it wasn't love, and she got upset at the truth. If we had loved each other, we wouldn't have hurt each other.
I told her she was attracted to her ex, she would always glance at him during class, and she is attracted to him now and her heart beat would start if she saw him, just as I am attracted to my ex.

I won't get into those conversations, which is an honest way to get her thoughts and mine out calmly. It's not bringing up the affair. Its being honest about our feelings.

I have been loving and kind and have shifted my AO away. DJ, some are there, she has kept writing them down. So we are good to go now.

I have completed anger management in the past. I chose not to apply it before, and I chose to apply it now. I am calmer than ever and calmer than her actually.

You are right that conversations like that will only lose love units on both sides. It really is only a discussion about your and her definition of "love" or "in love" and will not bring you closer together. Although it is obvious to you that you hurt her by bringing it up, it is probably hurting your own healing, happiness and mindset more than you know.

It is very good that you have decided to implement anger management rigorously. Allthough you are making good progress by sheer determination, it will take longer to change your brain circuits. After having implemented anger management diligently, the goal is to put the energy that went into anger (your reptile brain) in the past, to your intelligent problem solving part of the brain. To make this automatic takes months at least and there will certainly be times where you are tempted.

You have a lot to win by having a happy life with your wife, not a merely mediocre life. If you have the financial resources, wouldn't it be an option to counsel with the Harley's? They could assist you in staying on track, because in a family with children and jobs, there are always things that happen unexpectedly and can throw you of course somewhat.

I assume it would be in your best interest, if you could leave these stressful times behind and not deal with the hassle of (almost) divorce and its unfortunate effect on you and the girls.
Once you are thoroughly happy together, your whole life will be easier.

Prochoice,

how are the two of you doing?
Are you keeping up the quality management of your relationship by asking your wife for feedback on things that will fill her love bank, or will lose love units?

How is your anger management doing? Everyday stresses can throw the best plans off track. Do you have a plan in case you are having setbacks? Changing brain hardware is hard work and can be frustrating, especially in the beginning.

Are the two of you applying undivided attention? And what do you do? Have you found activities that you both enjoy?

How are you doing in refraining from love busters? It must be difficult, because there was a longer period where these had become a habit. Have you asked your wife if she has complaints and do you have the impression that she feels safe giving you honest feedback?

not good. I have felt too much pressure and I just unintentionally exploded last night.

that has never been a problem. She likes everything. I am actually concerned she finds me boring because I have a limited list but I have taken her to the rollercoaster already because she always wanted to. I am sort of weird. I don't like to be where there are too many people around, where its too hot, or where walking is involved. I only like to be home. So its only dinner for me and her list was huge, I turned all of them down, so I replaced it by setting candles at home, putting petals in the bath tub and staging our patio. She said its fine but I always have in mind she is actually bored not telling me.

doing better, but We had an episode last night. I am on hold and was checking if she had posted. I realized late I had snapped.

Are you in an actual anger management program?
Are you using Dr. Harley's relaxation training exercises?

Completed AM in the past and yes doing relaxation exercises. You see, avoiding getting angry is a conscious decision for me to apply relaxation. And it was working under smaller non consecutive issues.
Since I last had posted before, I went the entire month planning daily how to make my wife feel loved and in the month we stumbled upon cases such as she scratched another car, she was late, she forgot to turn off the oven, she got a speeding ticket and did not tell me about it ( I know because I have my ways - private ways), and in regular circumstances I would have gotten mad in the past and I didn't. I consciously changed the focus in my brain and thought about my plans for home improvements, which lifts me up thinking of a better home. And it was working.
Now, she forgot to call the babysitter on time, and I didn't get mad, I went out to relax and get some intake food, and when I returned the house was flooded. I hadn't fully relaxed yet and now walk into water and upon this situation, I had no time to relax before I talked. I asked her what had happened and she said that she would clean it. That was not my question and the water situation already had gotten me mad, her answer was a DJ. She is telling me "you dont need to know because i will clean it". So out of anger I told her she was an awful careless wife, and mother and that I had faked loving her all this tome and least she could do was answer and I asked again and she didn't answer and went into the bathroom to clean, so I followed her and I closed the door and locked it and said answer me. She looked away and I lost myself and grabbed her towards the wall by force and then I remembered and said I didn't want this to ever happen again. why did you push me to my limits? And i walked away to calm down. when I came back, the house was clean and she was locked in the room again and a letter explanation how the house got flooded... she had left the bathtub water running by The usual... She forgot. So, all my past month has been useless and we are back to zero?
I forgot to relax that day.

You see my relaxation thought was house improvement and walking into a flooded house also blocked my relaxation thought.

And BTW this is the first post I am not minimizing what happened.

Other than the advise to separate, which sleeping in separate rooms and not talking is anyways, what should I do if she doesn't want to tslk to me anymore again. Should I pursue or leave her alone for a while?

Yes you did have time. But you made the decision to stay and talk before you were relaxed.

Wait a minute, what made you mad?
What MADE you mad?
Hint: It wasn't the water situation, and it definitely wasn't your wife.

Sooooo .... that gave you the right to punish her?

As long as you reserve the right to respond this way when you face a frustrating situation, your wife will never be safe.

You are still blaming your wife for only what YOU can control. She didn't push you to your limits. She didn't make you have an AO. You, and you alone, chose to go down that path.


Yep. And don't you dare blame her for that.

You need to improve your relaxation exercises. Follow what Dr. Harley advises here:

Note that you should be working up to being able to think of stressful situations while being able to control the adrenaline.

Do you own a GSR meter? Do you practice with it daily?

Also, read the Angry Outburst chapter in Lovebusters again.

If you can't keep your hands off your wife, you need to leave the house. It isn't safe for her to be there with you.