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Have you eliminated all anger?

Anger Management 101


FWW/BW (me)
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2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Originally Posted by Prisca
So, will you end all contact with your girlfriend and give your wife all your passwords? And will you give her access to all your devices?

Is she welcome to check up on you, whenever and however she wants?

Are you going to start following the MB plan, and start building a life of complete transparency and romance with your wife? Are you going to meet her emotional needs? Are you going to take her out on dates?

Are you committed to never disrespecting her, never having an angry outburts, and never making another demand?

Would you please answer my questions?


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Yes, the answer to all the questions Prisca and brainhurts are yes, except the passwords. She can have acess when she wants, but I cant give her my passwords, I have a business to carry.

The reason I hadnt told her about my second business and account is not affair related, but actually financial stability and protection. I am remodeling the house, and have made investments. She would have opposed and been an obstacle. I am creating a better financial future for us.

The online dating I did in the past, that was just distraction to forget about her affair. When my wife asked to eliminate the accounts, I did.

As opposed to my wife's chat with her ex, that was sickening love exchange letters, my chat with my ex in the past was support to overcome my wife's lies and betrayal. The minute my wife asked me to stop contacting my ex, I did.

If my wife would analyze carefully the recent text, she would realize that my ex was the one trying to contact me and coincidently, my wife was holding my phone that minute. I would have told her. Wife asked me to end the communication again, I did.

And the reason I can't currently tell her what bothers me now is that she cries out of everything rather than talk.

I have no further comments. She is free to chose between following marriage builders and leave or restart our relationship, and we can talk about all the advises that can be applied to us. It would be of deep sorrow if she decides to leave, and she chooses to include our parents in our problems. Our daughters would be the ones who suffer the most and I do enjoy my wife's company.



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Originally Posted by ProChoice
I have no further comments. She is free to chose between following marriage builders and leave or restart our relationship, and we can talk about all the advises that can be applied to us. It would be of deep sorrow if she decides to leave, and she chooses to include our parents in our problems. Our daughters would be the ones who suffer the most and I do enjoy my wife's company.

PC, if your marriage fails, it will be because of your approach to marriage described above. You hide passwords from her [huge red flag!], engage in online dating, and make financial decisions without her input. I don't see much hope here unless you change those practices.

Do you want to lose your marriage?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by ProChoice
The reason I hadnt told her about my second business and account is not affair related, but actually financial stability and protection. I am remodeling the house, and have made investments. She would have opposed and been an obstacle. I am creating a better financial future for us.
Good grief. She is not a child. She is, or should be, an equal partner in your marriage.

First: you do not know that she would have opposed and been an obstacle to your financial wishes, because you did not ask her.

Second: if she did oppose them, then you had no right to make them. Once again: she should be an equal partner in your marriage. She must be having a rotten time being married to you if that is the way you treat her.

How dare you tell her that she has no right to make financial decisions equally with you!


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except the passwords. She can have acess when she wants, but I cant give her my passwords, I have a business to carry.
Hogwash.

You're not safe for her.


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Originally Posted by ProChoice
The reason I hadnt told her about my second business and account is not affair related, but actually financial stability and protection. I am remodeling the house, and have made investments. She would have opposed and been an obstacle. I am creating a better financial future for us.


That money is hers in law and when her divorce lawyer finds out you've been defrauding her and hiding money in the marriage, you are toast.

If you read Dr Hs why women leave men article, women are more likely to put up with physical abuse than having their decisions about the future ignored.

She is a grown woman who will divorce you and find a real partner she can make decisions with.

You can tell your own lawyer that it was a better financial move. No one will care and the divorce bill and cost of a second home will wipe out most of the profits.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by ProChoice
. Love should be based on trust.


Then it really isn't love because your wife cannot trust you.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Why is everyone so fast to judge? Why does everyone attack? I never said the money was for me. I did it for us. This is exactly why I never wanted to post for a start. Who said we are divorcing? We are dating real well.

I want to live a happy marriage, but our present has a past. I hadnt been thinking about her affair for a while until she started snooping and I started posting, so this advise isnt working.

Isnt this manipulation. I either give her my passwords, even though I was the betrayed spouse, or she once again ends our marriage?

I will give her access, all access, when she wants, although its unfair, only to move on with our lives. Maybe there are people who still keep their passwords who arent cheaters. Maybe when I told her it was my ex who was trying to contact me was true and not me to my ex, maybe my intentipns for my business was done with great desire to give my wife a better home.

I am displayed as a monster here, while in truth, I had my wrongs, and I admit it, and admit did not treat her good before, but she got her revenge 100x more. I would have rather she had stabbed me than betrayed me.

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PC,

The thing is that your secret second life, although it was financial and not sexual, is still something that should not exist in an honest relationship.

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Originally Posted by Gamma
PC,

The thing is that your secret second life, although it was financial and not sexual, is still something that should not exist in an honest relationship.

Gamma
The secret second life with his ex was not "financial".


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Isnt this manipulation. I either give her my passwords, even though I was the betrayed spouse, or she once again ends our marriage?
It's called MARRIAGE. A marriage will thrive when there is transparency for BOTH spouses.

It is not an attack on you to tell you that your wife deserves to have transparency from you. It is not an attack on you to tell you that unless you give her transparency, you are a danger to her.

Quote
I will give her access, all access, when she wants, although its unfair, only to move on with our lives. Maybe there are people who still keep their passwords who arent cheaters. Maybe when I told her it was my ex who was trying to contact me was true and not me to my ex, maybe my intentipns for my business was done with great desire to give my wife a better home.
Your reasons don't matter, even if they were honorable. Secrets are marriage killers.

You know, when I suspected my betrayed husband of being up to something, and I started snooping on him, he didn't whine about how it wasn't fair. Or how HE was the betrayed, and didn't owe me, or how he hadn't thought of my affair until I started snooping. He didn't complain at all when he found out, but instead he went out of his way to allow me to see what he was doing. He was even willing to take a polygraph. You see, he wasn't up to anything and was eager to put my mind at ease.

Contrast that with my reaction when I caught him snooping on me 5 years ago. I was having an affair, and I blew up at him, belittled him, and tried to chase him off for having the audacity to invade my privacy.

The guilty are the ones who have a problem with snooping. If you don't have anything to hide, you won't have a problem with your wife looking in on you.

What are you hiding?
So she now has your passwords?
Is she welcomed to check up on you anytime she wants, any way she wants?


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You're not entitled to a secret second life just because she cheated first.


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Originally Posted by ProChoice
Isnt this manipulation. I either give her my passwords, even though I was the betrayed spouse, or she once again ends our marriage?

What would be wrong with that? That sounds like a recipe for a good marriage, to me.

Why shouldn't she end her marriage to you if you are not letting her verify your behavior? You said a marriage should be based on trust. Trust is a feeling that YOU have to create for her. She feels what she feels - you control that by your behavior.

Act trustworthily for long enough, and she will feel trust. Continue to declare parts of your life off limits, and she will not feel trust.

Do you want her to trust you, or not? It's in your hands.

From my point of view, when a husband or wife keeps part of their life secret from the other, they are ending the marriage.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by ProChoice
I want to live a happy marriage, but our present has a past.

Your present has your EX in it.

Quote
I hadnt been thinking about her affair for a while until she started snooping and I started posting, so this advise isnt working.

You're not following the advice. It doesn't work when it isn't followed.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by ProChoice
I want to live a happy marriage, but our present has a past. I hadnt been thinking about her affair for a while until she started snooping and I started posting, so this advise isnt working.

When I think about my wife's affair, I simply don't bring it up. That's Dr. Harley's advice and it works well and has led to us having a happy marriage.

If my wife were doing something in the present that allowed her to have a secret second life, I would not tolerate it. I would complain loudly, and I would investigate, and I would reveal everything I found far and wide to everybody she and I hold dear.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Originally Posted by ProChoice
...The reason I hadnt told her about my second business and account is not affair related, but actually financial stability and protection. I am remodeling the house, and have made investments. She would have opposed and been an obstacle. I am creating a better financial future for us....


Consider this from your spouse's point of view. Would you think that was a good reason if she hid things from you "because you would oppose what she wanted?" How would you feel if, when you found out, she said "I have every right to hide this from you because I believe it is for your own good?"

You may feel what you did is "right" but even if you can justify it in your own mind, who would want to be married to someone who felt it was okay to hide things from them because they "were an obstacle?"

Have you read up on policy of joint agreement on this site? If you don't do anything that you both don't enthusiastically agree to then you would not hide money from her but she also would not spend it on anything you didn't agree to. It's not easy, my spouse and I are still learning how to do it, but when we do it successfully we feel closer and safe with each other and we are both happy, instead of frustrated and resentful and feeling like we have no control over the situation.

I understand she had an affair in the past and you're resentful. But if you are going to use that to rationalize treating her like dirt today, what reason does she have to remain married to you other than maybe guilt?

What's done is done. If you're going to stay together, why not have a good relationship with precautions so neither of you ever does that type of thing again?

Reading your posts it sounds like you primarily want to punish her. That destroys your own chance of having a happy marriage too. How sad is that? Why not be her hero instead?

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Originally Posted by ProChoice
Why is everyone so fast to judge? Why does everyone attack? I never said the money was for me. I did it for us. This is exactly why I never wanted to post for a start. Who said we are divorcing? We are dating real well.

I want to live a happy marriage, but our present has a past. I hadnt been thinking about her affair for a while until she started snooping and I started posting, so this advise isnt working.

Isnt this manipulation. I either give her my passwords, even though I was the betrayed spouse, or she once again ends our marriage?

I will give her access, all access, when she wants, although its unfair, only to move on with our lives. Maybe there are people who still keep their passwords who arent cheaters. Maybe when I told her it was my ex who was trying to contact me was true and not me to my ex, maybe my intentipns for my business was done with great desire to give my wife a better home.

I am displayed as a monster here, while in truth, I had my wrongs, and I admit it, and admit did not treat her good before, but she got her revenge 100x more. I would have rather she had stabbed me than betrayed me.


Betrayal is the most painful thing that ever happened to me so it's not like I dont sympathise. But financial infidelity was what ultimately made me divorce. Financial infidelity is not OK, because the money is not for 'us'. She doesn't even know about it! If it were really her money, she'd know about it and have a say.


I mentioned divorce because that's what I see happen over and over again when women find out about a SSL. You have two strands to yours and you're not being attacked, you're being told to clean up your side of the street.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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I am ready to follow MB concepts, but my wife left me.

She has wanted to follow the concepts on this website, but I have been giving her the hardest time to do so, more of a resentful issue inside because she had cheated on me and then covered her evidence up and allowed us to continue our lives, but I am ready to let go of the past, I am sorry for my part of the problems in our marriage and for having treated her bad and I want to change that for good.

I just need her to know that. I have filled out my emotional needs questionaire carefully, and read for the first time my wife's emotional needs, and her list of examples. I hadn't fulfilled even half of those. I started reading the love busters book. I will hire help for the backyard as she first suggested, I never took her to the list of places I promised to take her, and we can go to the rollercoaster, and go skating, and even dance. I was thinking of putting some swinging couples sits in the back, so we can enjoy time there, if she agrees. I am ready for her to be my partner in all the decisions.

I know she got the advice from this site to leave me, but everything is a misunderstanding. It all started because she thought I was cheating, I never was. I used to my advantage the fact that I had been in touch with my ex to start acting secretive, but I only wanted her to see what that felt like, after she had cheated on me. I left the history profile page of my ex on purpose. If I had been cheating, I would have erased that. It took her three days to see it. I wouldn't have left it there by accident. I sent myself some e-mails too, she never even checked them, and I am glad. It was stupid, but I got mad when I was kicked out of the house due to that, called planB. The bad side is that I knew all the planA and planB theory, and I wasn't cheating, so I tried to go around it, and I said really awful things to her, none were true, and she believed them and left. I didn't mean any of that. It was immature. I would never harm her, but rather want to protect her. I am ready to restart now and follow a neutral points advice.

I know she is getting advice here, but I haven't found her new thread yet, I don't know where she is, she isn't even communicating with our babysitter, who was the intermediary in her letter, she isn't picking up her phone, she hasn't gone to school, her advisor has no clue, she even left some pending work and has a presentation tomorrow, the girls haven't gone to daycare, and the only note left was read marriage builders and do therapy. I have already scheduled therapy and I do recognize I have had some issues, and will solve them, and I am here in MB site, with full will and ready to learn. I want her back because she is a beautiful, sweet person, and I have never told her that I do love her and that I am sorry about how I have been acting. I want us to restart again.

Newcase, please call me back, or answer my e-mails, or at least talk to the babysitter, or talk to my dad. I called him and told him the truth, the real truth now. Don't talk to your mother yet. Give us a chance, the chance you wanted, I now beg for it.

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ProChoice, I don't know if this can be saved. You have an enormous number of misconceptions. You seem to think that acting secretive with an ex is not cheating. I wouldn't tolerate that for an instant in my marriage, and neither would my wife.

Despite your comments about knowing Marriage Builders, I don't think you really know it much at all. You tried to punish your wife and make her feel bad and it's supposed to make her feel better for you to say that?

I do not believe you are serious about building a good marriage with your wife. If you were serious I believe you would be in contact with Dr. Harley himself right this instant, and you would be in serious anger management therapy (like in group sessions with guys straight out of jail), and you would be listening to Dr. Harley's radio show on a daily basis without fail and putting into practice everything you find there, for life. Even then I don't think you would be even slightly trustworthy until you had lived this way for a year.

And that doesn't even mention figuring out how to provide your wife openness and honesty and complete transparency for the rest of your life.

I think you are just here to manipulate her and you'll drop the act the minute you get her back.

There is no misunderstanding - we understand you completely perfectly. Prove me wrong with actions, not words.


If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app!

Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8.
Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010

If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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