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Originally Posted by indiegirl
His actions strongly suggest to me that he is keeping it successfully from his wife.

This is why we tell BSs to get hold of the other spouse in person the first time they make contact with them.

As for the harassment notice, how can your wife prevent you from speaking to other people? It is not harassment of her.

The notice is probably legally worthless and is just back covering by the police. I would have another lawyer check it out.

True how did I not see this. Good job it was found. Is the OMW home during the day? Or do you know when the OM will be out so you can knock on OMW door to confirm she found out about the affair? Does the OMW work? Catch her going to or leaving?

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Indiegirl,

I think you should have a look a this:

http://www.cps.gov.uk/legal/s_to_u/stalking_and_harassment/#a03b

It gives you an insight into sweeping powers under the protection against harassment act. I have met albeit briefly the OM wife and I can assure you that she knows about the affair. Even the dogs in the street know about it. He won't leave his wife for my WW. He said that on more than one occasion directly to her but her options now are limited. He even told her that she would end up unhappy and alone etc. What a nice guy eh?

If I went to his home again I can guarantee that I would be arrested and charged with stalking/harassment. I have been told that by the Policeman concerned. I am making a formal complaint to the Police about this notice and will try to get it lifted but that is all I am prepared to risk at this time.

Any other help is appreciated.

DD


BH 43
WW 42
DD 11.
DD 7.
Married 19 years.
She left 10-08-2014.
She filed for divorce 29-02-2015.
Waiting for Final decree absolute just before Christmas 2015.
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Ding dong, I am familiar with that. As a reporter I often had to approach criminals many times (before they were found guilty) and they loved to throw the harassment book at me. Me personally, not my paper.I then had to write about what they had done when I got the evidence.

Sometimes I had to approach bereaved families linked to a tragedy. These people had done nothing wrong and sometimes they didn't want to talk to me. I respected their decision (because to do otherwise is legal harassment) but sometimes if the story changed significantly I had to go back and see if they still felt that way - which wasn't harassment (if done right).

The only difference between you and me is the police wouldn't give a reporter a notice like that, because it wouldn't stop a reporter. It's a bluff. Of course I was legally advised throughout - and you should be too. But just like a newspaper, you should be telling the lawyer what you need to happen not asking permission. It's his job to support your rights.


Originally Posted by Ding_Dong
Indiegirl,

I think you should have a look a this:

http://www.cps.gov.uk/legal/s_to_u/stalking_and_harassment/#a03b

It gives you an insight into sweeping powers under the protection against harassment act. I have met albeit briefly the OM wife and I can assure you that she knows about the affair. Even the dogs in the street know about it. He won't leave his wife for my WW. He said that on more than one occasion directly to her but her options now are limited. He even told her that she would end up unhappy and alone etc. What a nice guy eh?

If I went to his home again I can guarantee that I would be arrested and charged with stalking/harassment. I have been told that by the Policeman concerned. I am making a formal complaint to the Police about this notice and will try to get it lifted but that is all I am prepared to risk at this time.

Any other help is appreciated.

DD


I'm stunned you've been going on about knowing due to her signature if you have spoken to her! What did she say about exposure and would she keep in touch with you?

I'm not saying blow off the order - get it overturned (which honestly I think is easy) before exposing further. But exposure is something you can't leave undone. If his wife does know then there is some other exposure he is trying to prevent. If you'd done it all there'd there'd be no need for this order.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Once there was a doctor whose botched work had killed a bunch of women. I sat outside his house for two days. He had to have his groceries handed to him over the fence. Serious alarm and distress time. But it didn't qualify as harassment and this guy earned a fortune and had four lawyers.

Its simply not true that the UK has sweeping harassment laws that any disgruntled person can deploy.

There's always a way.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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When are you going to expose to the OMBW?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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Hi All,

Nothing more happening at the moment apart from getting some good advice from a barrister and a civil rights charity recently here in the UK about harassment laws in the UK. Both said to avoid like the plague any more exposure as it would certainly constitute harassment as I have sent multiple letters and calls to the POSOM, OMW, friends and family as well as calling at the OMW's home.

Everyone is well aware of the affair and my wife's anger is still very evident in any correspondence or communication I have with her. I ask her how she is and hope she's well regardless of her nastiness to me. I don't argue just ignore the disrespectful behaviour. She told my youngest daughter the other day that she didn't love me anymore and hated me. My youngest had told her that Daddy will always love Mammy. That hurt me deeply but I keep going.

The legal settlement is progressing with a court date in early May. Strangely enough she hasn't progressed the divorce side of things or chased me up as I am constantly stalling with this as much as I can. She seems more interested in the financial settlement at this time but I am fighting this all the way. She tells my kids that they will be buying a new home in the summer but my lawyer reckons that this is a piped dream given the timescales. Her own lawyer has already told her that her expectations for rehousing are too high in terms of her expected lifestyle - cloud-cuckoo-land

I have taken a step back and shortened my hours at work to look after my children too and spend extra time with them.

How can you make love deposits when there is absolutely no communication between us both apart from the children?

Hanging in there for now.

Thanks as always for your support.

D_D


BH 43
WW 42
DD 11.
DD 7.
Married 19 years.
She left 10-08-2014.
She filed for divorce 29-02-2015.
Waiting for Final decree absolute just before Christmas 2015.
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Hi Folks,

I took some action recently upon reflection. I wrote a letter of complaint to the Police about the harassment order and awaiting a response from them. Told them that stopping me from reporting the POSOM to his professional body was not within the remit of the Police service and against my rights.

I await their response but I will go to Police Complaints commission if needs be and after the settlement is through, risk prosecution if necessary.

I was in Family Court on Monday for the 1st directions hearing relating to the financial proceedings. I arrived looking good, best suit, best short and tie, neat haircut and smiley face. WW never even looked at me throughout the proceedings. Her facilitator Mother and Husband (3rd) turned up with looks of contempt on their faces for me. Bizarre!

All went reasonably well for me but it appears to have dawned a little on my WW that she won't get the settlement that she wants from this process and will lose out considerably as will I and our children, and not just financially.

She had a really sad, drawn looking face and looked at the judge without fail. She didn't even glance across the table at me once throughout the short hearing. We were only 3 feet away. Why?

She never spoke but looked very, very sad and depressed. She is adamant in retaining our holiday home despite her lawyer telling my lawyer that it isn't viable (she told her that directly) and it isn't going to happen. Her Mother is driving this without a doubt. A really nasty and bitter woman.

It's getting petty with my children too. They have been told last week that if they don't brush their teeth properly, they won't be allowed to go to their Dad's. She has really hurt them with this. We have great fun and my youngest tells me now that she loves me every night when I call (it fills my heart). She only started saying she loved me recently despite me telling both her and her sister that I love them very much, every day since they left. I spend all my spare time with my children and we have fun regardless of my pain and sadness.

I feel very empowered after Monday to carry on. I am within the process which will resume sometime in September back at court.

Plan A is impossible for me but I did send a small token back with the children last weekend to my WW but yet no thanks or communication from my WW.

What can I do further?

Any help and advice is appreciated.

Thanks as always,

DD.


BH 43
WW 42
DD 11.
DD 7.
Married 19 years.
She left 10-08-2014.
She filed for divorce 29-02-2015.
Waiting for Final decree absolute just before Christmas 2015.
Joined: Jun 2011
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Originally Posted by Ding_Dong
Hi Folks,

I took some action recently upon reflection. I wrote a letter of complaint to the Police about the harassment order and awaiting a response from them. Told them that stopping me from reporting the POSOM to his professional body was not within the remit of the Police service and against my rights.


That's great. Let us know how you get on.

All waywards will behave like your in-laws towards you now. It truly is bizarre. MiL will behave just like you predict, but I think MiL is an atypical wayward and your wife is typical.

Your wife's depression is very typical. Just keep going, looking sharp, fighting the affair. It is crumbling.



Last edited by indiegirl; 05/13/15 05:49 PM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by Pepperband


Run of the mill wayward wife.


1. No previous adultery

2. Her adultery choice knaws her conscience and she has difficulty reconciling her behavior with her beliefs.

3. Physically suffers with a guilty conscience. Difficulty sleeping, eating, concentrating.

4. Has fallen head-over-heels "in love" with OM, which is often an old flame.

5. Has spiritual/religous beliefs she must ignore in order to "follow her heart".

6. Cries frequently but privately.

7. May turn to alcohol to numb her conscience.

8. Feels powerless and overwhelmed by her feelings of desire.

9. Hates herself.

10. Cannot look at her husband or others who trust her without feeling worse, so begins to avoid people who love her.
Originally Posted by Pepperband
NOT the "run-of-the-mill" WW

1. Previous adulteries or cheated on boyfriends.

2. Barely recognizes her conscience.

3. Works out, feels good, sleeps like a baby.

4. Not "head-over-heels" in love, but loves the attention.

5. "Follow your heart" IS her compass in life.

6. Cries for an audience, especially when caught.

7. May drink, do drugs, but does them to heighten her sense of pleasure.

8. Feels powerful and in control.

9. Loves herself. Why not?

10. Can look people straight in the eye and lie her [censored] off. Then go to bed with OM(s), then come home and kiss her BH, her children, and have a good night sleep. No problem.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by Ding_Dong
Plan A is impossible for me but I did send a small token back with the children last weekend to my WW but yet no thanks or communication from my WW.


Goodness - don't expect anything like that!

Invite her out for coffee. Invite her to come on a family trip. Send her the pix when she refuses it like you offered bubonic plague. Tell her she looks gorgeous. Go check her car over. Send her favourite biscuits home with the kids. Help them make something for her. Offer to help her with a job she hates. Have flowers delivered. Send her how's your day texts.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by indiegirl
Originally Posted by Pepperband


Run of the mill wayward wife.


1. No previous adultery

2. Her adultery choice knaws her conscience and she has difficulty reconciling her behavior with her beliefs.

3. Physically suffers with a guilty conscience. Difficulty sleeping, eating, concentrating.

4. Has fallen head-over-heels "in love" with OM, which is often an old flame.

5. Has spiritual/religous beliefs she must ignore in order to "follow her heart".

6. Cries frequently but privately.

7. May turn to alcohol to numb her conscience.

8. Feels powerless and overwhelmed by her feelings of desire.

9. Hates herself.

10. Cannot look at her husband or others who trust her without feeling worse, so begins to avoid people who love her.
Originally Posted by Pepperband
NOT the "run-of-the-mill" WW

1. Previous adulteries or cheated on boyfriends.

2. Barely recognizes her conscience.

3. Works out, feels good, sleeps like a baby.

4. Not "head-over-heels" in love, but loves the attention.

5. "Follow your heart" IS her compass in life.

6. Cries for an audience, especially when caught.

7. May drink, do drugs, but does them to heighten her sense of pleasure.

8. Feels powerful and in control.

9. Loves herself. Why not?

10. Can look people straight in the eye and lie her [censored] off. Then go to bed with OM(s), then come home and kiss her BH, her children, and have a good night sleep. No problem.


Thanks Indiegirl,

you are so right here. She surrounds herself with people who she has told the truth to and don't see anything wrong with her behaviour and she denies the truth to me, her Dad and very old and dear friends citing my behaviour as the reason for our breakup.

Thanks again for your help. I am getting stronger now :-)



BH 43
WW 42
DD 11.
DD 7.
Married 19 years.
She left 10-08-2014.
She filed for divorce 29-02-2015.
Waiting for Final decree absolute just before Christmas 2015.
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Originally Posted by indiegirl
Originally Posted by Ding_Dong
Plan A is impossible for me but I did send a small token back with the children last weekend to my WW but yet no thanks or communication from my WW.


Goodness - don't expect anything like that!

Invite her out for coffee. Invite her to come on a family trip. Send her the pix when she refuses it like you offered bubonic plague. Tell her she looks gorgeous. Go check her car over. Send her favourite biscuits home with the kids. Help them make something for her. Offer to help her with a job she hates. Have flowers delivered. Send her how's your day texts.

Hi again,

my eldest daughter has just finished her exams today and I invited my WW out to dinner tonight (with my 2 children) to celebrate. She said thanks for the offer (a 1st ever reply by text to any offer) but said she already had made plans. I said that's a pity but maybe next time?

Buying her favourite sweets today to send back with the kids on Tuesday next. I have my kids until then and will send photos back of tonight's fun.

I am going to step up the plan from today. I have just received a request from my WW to have the children on my time next week but I am going to suggest that I have already made plans but she is welcome to join us if she likes. See what the response is here.


BH 43
WW 42
DD 11.
DD 7.
Married 19 years.
She left 10-08-2014.
She filed for divorce 29-02-2015.
Waiting for Final decree absolute just before Christmas 2015.
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In potential custody cases, I would jump at every additional opportunity to have the children instead of trying to thwart her plans and preventing her from being free of the kids.

To me, the children and custody time mean more, and may be looked on favorably by a judge in the future. You can even offer to unburden her additionally in the future.

But, Document ALL times and reasons who the children are with.

LTL

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Originally Posted by Ding_Dong
[ I have just received a request from my WW to have the children on my time next week but I am going to suggest that I have already made plans but she is welcome to join us if she likes.
By this you mean that it is supposed to be your time to have the kids, but your wife has asked whether she can have them instead.


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Thanks,

Will take this inboard.


BH 43
WW 42
DD 11.
DD 7.
Married 19 years.
She left 10-08-2014.
She filed for divorce 29-02-2015.
Waiting for Final decree absolute just before Christmas 2015.
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Exactly, but it suits me as I have a wedding to go to the week following and can't take my kids therefore I need her to have the kids so I've negotiated a win-win for us both and she seems happy with that.


BH 43
WW 42
DD 11.
DD 7.
Married 19 years.
She left 10-08-2014.
She filed for divorce 29-02-2015.
Waiting for Final decree absolute just before Christmas 2015.
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Hi Indiegirl,

strangest thing happened yesterday. I had to pop by my WW business to pick up some things after collecting my children from school. My WW appeared at the door of the business and walked across to the car park to open her car.

We haven't spoken fact to face since just after Christmas yet she said hello. I engaged her in small talk such as how are you, I'm fine etc. It lasted about 15mins and was nice if not a bit surreal. I felt really sad all of a sudden but kept up the happy person that I am generally.

I find it a bit odd that on Monday in court she couldn't look at me across a desk at all but on Friday she is talking to me after nearly 5 months. Maybe (and this is the cynic in me coming out now) as all didn't go so well in the court on Monday for her, she now feels a charm offensive might be a better plan. Her lawyer has told her that what she wants is not what she is going to get upon final settlement.

I asked her to join us for a family meal last night to celebrate my daughter finishing her exams but again she had plans so couldn't make it. I texted her later to say it was nice to talk with her after such a long time. I said she looked well (but she really looked quite down and drawn, tired looking etc.).

She emailed me in reply this morning to an email yesterday that I sent her about a child care plan that I am trying to formalise. I offered to meet her for a coffee and a chat on Monday morning if she liked.

Hey presto she's come back and said yes to meeting at a local hotel at 10.00am Monday coming.

I am a little shocked, again the cynic in me says it's just a meet about the kids or a ploy to charm me into previous submission as regards a settlement, but it's a start nonetheless.

I am lost as to what to say to her about us if the subject arises. I know what I want but don't want to frighten her off or put her under any pressure.

I don't trust her as far as I could throw her given the carry on of her over the last 12months.

Can you advise?

I've every intention in being the Mr. Happy that I am, I'll be well dressed and looking good, smelling good and being positive.

Feeling very vulnerable at this point so help would be appreciated. I'm going to concentrate on avoiding love busters, disrespectful judgements etc. But any advice would be appreciated. I am a strong character but around her my heart melts into mush.

Thanks again for the support,

DD.


BH 43
WW 42
DD 11.
DD 7.
Married 19 years.
She left 10-08-2014.
She filed for divorce 29-02-2015.
Waiting for Final decree absolute just before Christmas 2015.
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Originally Posted by LearnedTooLate
In potential custody cases, I would jump at every additional opportunity to have the children instead of trying to thwart her plans and preventing her from being free of the kids.

To me, the children and custody time mean more, and may be looked on favorably by a judge in the future. You can even offer to unburden her additionally in the future.

But, Document ALL times and reasons who the children are with.

LTL


Hi LTL,

thanks for the advice.

I have met and agreed my WW this morning (Monday)and agreed a shared care arrangement for the next 6 months or so. She is a bit more amicable now (strangely enough) in relation to the kids.

It was really weird this morning. We met for a coffee for about an hour and had a few laughs although she is very unhappy with me about everything. She brought up past behaviour and I said well you did some bad stuff too but I forgive you. I hope you can forgive me sometime soon.

I asked her how she felt and she said that she just wanted to settle things financially and move on with her life. I said fine but I told her that I have strong feelings for her despite what had happened between us and if there was a way to recover I am ready to work with her.

She denied the affair again saying it was just a friendship and I had ruined that for good. I said that it was more than a friendship and she would have to live with those consequences regardless of whether she admitted it to me or not.

It was fairly amicable, I avoided love busters and disrespectful behaviour as best I could throughout our conversation but fought my corner where appropriate. She even ordered a 2nd cup of coffee (I paid. LOL). She looked terrible, drawn, tired and very sad but I managed to make her smile and laugh a couple of times. I told her she had lost weight and looked good and she said that she had put on weight. Despite that I said "you look great".

When it was time to go we stood outside for a bit and I asked her for a hug. We embraced for a couple of minutes and I told her that I have missed her terribly and her hug was fairly strong. I think she some feelings towards me but I could be wrong.

She climbed into her car and I leant forward and kissed her on the cheek she didn't draw back and although things seemed to go against the conversation of the previous hour. She was pretty adamant that this was the end and she was getting on with her life now.

I asked her for an end to hostility and animosity. She agreed to that at least.

We spoke about our children a lot and some better times that we've had. I explained that my past behaviour was not typical and just out of frustration with her. I did control the money aspect our lives but we were not in debt and that was a good thing.

I told her that I supported her as best I could in the past with her new business and would help out in the future if necessary. She seemed ok with this.

I asked her before she left if she would like to meet for a coffee again and she said yes. Weird that if she wanted to get on with her life, why would she want to meet with me again. When she was driving away my heart sank and I gestured her to smile and worded "it suits you"!

She drove off in the direction of her facilitator Mother's home no doubt for the download and whatever else her mother will have to say.

I am sending back her favourite sweets with my kids tomorrow and might text her later with thanks for meeting me.

What do you folks think? What else can I do from here given she says that this is the end? I ignored her statement of "it's the end", by the way.

Thanks as always,

DD.


BH 43
WW 42
DD 11.
DD 7.
Married 19 years.
She left 10-08-2014.
She filed for divorce 29-02-2015.
Waiting for Final decree absolute just before Christmas 2015.
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Hi Folks,

trying really hard to keep things together now. The animosity from my WW is unbearable.

Found out today that the POSOM is still connected with my wife's business and communicating unabated with her via email.

My lawyer has advised me to not expose further as it will be detrimental to my financial settlement if my wife goes ballistic if I expose further. Also risking harassment charge from the Police too.

Making some progress with harassment order as Police say now that they can't stop me from making a complaint against this POSOM.

I am nearing the end of my tether as my WW keeps threatening me with my children. I have started family mediation session to try and organise a favourable outcome to this matter. I believe that my WW is beyond redemption.

I would appreciate some input and advice. She constantly blames me for everything as the settlement is not going her way. Court date in September looms now.

She says that she doesn't want reconciliation ever. We are finished in her eyes.

I am still happy and firm with any communication but considering a plan B.

Any suggestions would be helpful.

Thanks as ever,

DD


BH 43
WW 42
DD 11.
DD 7.
Married 19 years.
She left 10-08-2014.
She filed for divorce 29-02-2015.
Waiting for Final decree absolute just before Christmas 2015.
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Why are you considering Plan B when Dr. Harley told you in April to stay in Plan A for 6 months?

Did you get on anti-depressants as he suggested?


Markos' Wife
FWW - EA
8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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