What drives you may be a high need for power and control. You may want to influence people around you and be on top of things. That in itself is neutral. But it is important that you know and acknowlegde that about yourself. Your actions in the past and in the present can be explained by this.

If you crave control, it must be achieved in a positive way and not by coercion and threats. And in marriage you have to voluntarily share the power and control with your spouse to be able to have a happy marriage.

In your case you have to let go, really.
Because of the long history of your marriage which has become very unhealthy, I would be very hesitant to reccomend you to try to repair it. You may be better off, letting her go, so that your girls will have a peaceful life. Plan B sounds like a very good idea, although it will be hard for you to give up your influence. You will start seeing that, once you really get it.
If you don't, your life and future relations will be tainted and miserable.
Giving up control can be freeing. You cannot controll everything and trying will just make your frustrated and tired.

Mrs Pro, it's same old same old for you. Lame old counsellor who didn't ensure your safety.

I implore you to seek Dr Hs advice.

Pro,

I commented to your W earlier on your thread that her feelings of resentment toward you were based on her affair. That was before I saw your recent posts and you attitude, which indicate that she made the right decision to leave you for her safety. My advice - stop stalling, stop planning and just jump into 1) an anger management program certified by your local county court (simply going back to your previous counselor doesn't count, since he has been ineffective in predicting your potential for violence, and 2)begin studying and reading books and articles here on marriage builders. If you really do care about your W and your family, as you say you will stop with your efforts to sanitize yourself for the sake of the members here, and take these steps.

Tom

PC,
You are a role model for your daughters' imprints in nmature adult male behavior, whether you intend to be or not.

I cannot presume to know you; I'm guessing your aggresiveness is a habit (something you can change) and not an instinct (something you can't change).

Please read Dr. Harley's basic concepts (link is to the left on this website) addressing habits and insticts.

Next, please call the number of your local battered women's shelter and ask for an MSW counselor they refer for offender services.

This is the best chance you have to never hurt your wife again, nor to negatively influence your daughters' ideals about men again.

A plan to address your anger is much more urgent while you are living at home with your wife and daughters, than if you are not.

Please refer to "The Love Bank", also in Dr. Harley's basic concepts.

I should be sleeping this time a day but I come to this site in actual desperate need of help.
I initially took this site as a joke being that it was found by my betraying spouse, in the mentality she cheats and now she gets to tell me how to recover. After the posts switched from her affair to me being an evil monster abuser, I took personal issues against the site.
Our recent events took a wake up call turn. For those that thought I was a psycho ready to kill her, she is still alive and sleeping quite sweet next to our daughters. I said hurtful things, being able to be perceived as assault, as a wrongful moment of anger. Although the affair happened 5 years ago, I feel as if it was a double betrayal. 5 years ago I learned she had chatted and travelled with him to leave me. But I forgave her, I trusted her to the point I refused to call it an affair, I called it an inappropriate imoral behavior. I trusted her to the point I did not read the chats. I do not know exactly if I ever overcame the affair. Initially, it popped in my mind frequently and as time went by, I was not thinking about it. It got triggered rarely, and it was when she disagreed with me and as she avoided answering questions, she rapidly agreed when I brought it up. This habit backfired me as It was an emotional time bomb.
A little over a year ago a real trigger made me pull out her old chats and actually read them. The feelings were as a different d-day, as I learned many things that disturbed me. While my reaction 5 years back was to recover my marriage and make my wife happy, the content of the chats made me react in loosing my mind. I did not intend to punish her as it was seen, more of giving her a lesson and things got out of hand and out of my own control. While pre-affair there was a bit of temper from my side, and I did break things around as she mentioned, that was not always, we had our good moments too, and as crazy as it sounds, I thought we were fine but with only one issue which was actually never mentioned: the fact she was unable to have sex with her own husband.
I read sometimes about sexless marriage, but if that couple had sex once, that is not sexless. I mean up to the affair point my marriage was 100% sexless. That includes honeymoon night when I saw how crazy she reacted to sex and pushed me ad if I was raping her. It was literally impossible to have sex with her. Yet, i did not go off and have an affair. okay, a little frustruated which explains the breaking things around the house. as time went by, each time we tried she continued pushing me back, which contributed in personal sex issues myself and I stopped trying. I blamed it on an incident that happened to her when she was 8 years old, but after the affair she could have sex, and the comment is could. She still avoided the act, but asked to try again. I always wondered why. Took a bit of effort but at least we were able to. After I read the chats, that is, a year ago, she suddenly no longer had sex-averssion. I have to thank the affair and my reading about it for her psychological trauma to be cured???? My own therapist cant explain this. We were together even up to six times a day, initially.
As the months continued, i kept reading the chats, which were way long. That is five months of chats x probably 5 hours or more a day.
I then read how my wife was telling OM we were sexually inactive, that itself was crossing the line, to top this, here is this scumbag, daring to answer back to her what her husband should and should not be doing and how I should be approaching this. OM reccommendations sent to BH, really?????? I dont know if anyone could possibly relate to this irony. This was mostly the biggest resentment and the point I switched my approach with our marriage, and not proud of all the lessons I played back at her.
I am in therapy for anger, which was recommended. I am stuck in recovery. We had another recent argument, because she is just too messy and keeps loosing things. And she came with the disrespectful judgment quote and I snapped and the first thing that popped to my head was the affair, I started insulting her as reaction. I've used this already for 5 years so now that I intend to recover the right way, I see I have created much too damage on top of the real damage of her affair. I told her again to go ask her lover how to be clean, maybe he knows the answer. So, we went back to her reaction of her sleeping in the guest room, but this time she asked me to separate for reals, in a peaceful manner.
Although this was recommended to her and to me in previous post, I feel as though she would go right off the first man that starts talking nice to her. I feel stuck. How could I possibly recover knowing she is out there alone. And how could I simply erase the habit I have created and just stay under the same roof.

Pro, nobody thinks you are a hopeless case but you cant learn this stuff overnight.

You are horribly abusive to your wife. It does you know favours to be under the same roof before you stop.

What happened? Why is my new post merged with my old ones. I was starting a new one because I have a different mind set and this one is not with intention of her to read but for me this time, to get help and hence I had a new title on my post. Can I have my new title back?

Click the Notify the mod button.

Prochoice, what you describe above is the exact reason it was recommended that your wife separate from you. Your marriage cannot ever recover until you get your anger under control and stop punishing your wife for her affair. Not only does it push her away, but it keeps you in a state of rage when you speak about it. It is like shooting yourself in the foot.

The key to recovery is a) get your anger under control and b) never bring up the affair again and c) implementing the concepts of this program.


What kind of therapy? Is this someone who specializes in anger management? How does his program work?

here

The mods are letting posters know about your background.

That's because the same advice still applies. When a man is unable to stop his AOs, his wife should separate from him until he can.

It will be easier for you to avoid hurting her if you do not live under the same roof. The fact that some mess around the house led you to this latest episode of abuse simply bears out the advice you and your wife were already given.

Your marriage will never recover as long as you choose to have angry outburts. Your marriage will never recover as long as you continue to discuss her affair.

If you want to recover, it is vital that you never have another angry outburst again as well as never mentioning anything about her affair again.

If you refuse to do those things, our advice to her will remain the same: separate from him until he shows he is willing to protect you and build a marriage with you.

Are you listening to Dr. Harley's radio show? Dr. Harley used to have an anger problem himself -- he knows how to eliminate it. He'll talk to you for free.

All posters are encouraged to try and stick to one thread if the topic is the same topic. I'm guessing that's why your previous thread was merged.

Nobody here thinks you are a psycho killer. We think that you are someone who gets very emotional and has a difficult time controlling yourself when you get emotional. We want to help you overcome this and rebuild your marriage. This is very common and Dr. Harley has a lot of experience (as do many of the posters here) with how to overcome this.

I would urge you to consider that you are not in a position where you can try to dictate or balance the process of recovering your marriage along the lines of what is "fair" in your mind.

You must look at what problems exist today, and how best to solve them irregardless of what has happened yesterday.

If you try to hold onto your grievances from the past, you will lose your marriage and your family. Your wife is as human as the rest of us and she will reach her breaking point eventually.

I agree that you have been through a lot, but if you want to save this you need to get fully vested in saving it, and if you don't you need to seek a divorce. Trying to stand in the middle of those options will result in disaster.

Today I am going to look into the anger links that Brainhurts sent me.

Which radio shows exactly are you talking about Prisca?

I won't have any more angry outbursts. I know I said that before, but this time is for reals. I had been working in the sun all day, was tired and exhausted, and therefore wasn't thinking.

As I said before, after I said I would never break anything around the house, I never did, and I have never repeated so in six years. After I said I will never lay a finger on her again, I never did again. I said I won't be trying to show her how I felt anymore, and I stopped. So, if I say I won't have more AO, knowing now exactly what it is, I won't. Can she be recommended to stay? I can change.

Or how could this possible work out well at the end if we are separated? We have two girls that require both mom and dad together.

Sir, can you answer the question above?
What type of therapy are you in?
You say you can control yourself, but then make an excuse that you were in the hot sun all day.

As for your children, I agree that they need both loving parents. They don't need a dad that can't control himself. I don't think you are taking this seriously and are only posting because you don't want your wife to separate from you.

Dr. Harley would probably encourage her to separate until you have completed an anger management program and are able to control yourself.

I am talking about Dr. Harley's radio show. There's a link to it at the top of the page.
MB Radio Show
You can also write them and get on the show yourself. You could talk to Dr. Harley himself for free.

I cannot tell you how many times I have heard that.

If you want her to believe it, you are going to need to prove it. Proving it means you must go at least a year without a single angry outburst.

Until you've done that, stop pressuring her to not separate. Encourage her to do what she needs to do to protect herself. If you really do intend to stop the angry outbursts, you will have no problem winning her back.

Bingo. This is why separation is necessary. Every time you go back on your word not to get angry with or insult your wife about her affair, you destroy a little more her ability to trust you. You make huge withdrawals from her love bank.

The separation is advised to protect her well being (emotional and physical) as well as to preserve your ability to fix this. If she stays with you and you continue the behavior that both of you have described, she will eventually have nothing left for you and recovery will be impossible.

You need a break so that you can focus on changing this behavior and breaking these habits. She needs a break so that she does not begin to have health problems from the depression that your behavior is causing her.

markos has been through what you're going through and now has a great marriage. I would pay attention to his input here.

This statement demonstrates that you are NOWHERE near getting your AOs under control.