How did you resolve the issue of the ex-wife's communications?

I think that's a deal breaker. Even if you were willing to live with his adult daughter it would destroy the marriage.

This explains all her hostility. You're taking her meal ticket.

If you really want to keep dating him, and are in no hurry to get htched, simply keep him waiting until she moves out. That would be appropriate motivation for him and it would be good for her too. You would never be able to persuade him after marrying him. It would be interesting to get Dr H's take on it.

What type of outbursts is she having towards you?

And what does "being realistic about the dynamics between two females in his life" mean in practice?

Absolutely agree



Very important to POJA this before marriage. We did that and agreed that we would not let my children (he has none) live with us unless we were both enthusiastic and it was for a very short time. Mine were a little older as my youngest was 23 at the time. Would he wait that long?

It is incredibly bad for children to think that they can always move home if things go wrong because it teaches them to be irresponsible.

So different for my generation, we could not move out fast enough. I was 100% gone at 17 just a little ball of dust :-)

I believe my bf's rush to get married is that he feels like he's getting older (he's 42), and he wants to have as much time as possible building a life and memories with someone. He was married for 17 years, and has been divorced for almost 2 years. He says he believes it's better for a man (and woman) to have a partner in life, and he says that since he knows I have the qualities that he wants in that partner, he doesn't want to wait.

I promise, I have some reservations about this. For one, since his divorce, he's been living with his parents (his ex-wife kept their house). Although he was looking at buying a place of his own prior to us dating, he stopped that process within a month of us dating because he said he'd rather put the effort into what WE wanted when the time was right. I'm not sure why I have such a hang-up about him living with his parents...it could be just an overly-independent attitude on my part.

And I truly can see his daughter wreaking havoc on the relationship. Her dad definitely 'babies' her to an extent, and she eats it up. I'm very certain, though, that he would not be willing to wait until she's out of the house to get married...because I don't believe he can honestly see that happening. Part of me says I may be able to impart something in her life if I learn to handle her appropriately; another part of me wonders if she's too much to take on. I will definitely speak with him about how this looks in his eyes this weekend (first weekend in more than a month that neither of us has kiddos!).

And I probably used the wrong word when I mentioned her 'outbursts' toward me. For the most part, when I'm around and she's in a mood, she'll ignore me and hang on her dad...mostly to keep me away. However, at one of the stores last weekend, she was throwing a tantrum because her dad wouldn't buy her a FitBit (exercise tracker). She said she just wanted something that counted steps, and I happen to have one that clips onto clothing that I don't use and I told her I'd be happy to give her. Her response was, "But I only want the kind that I wear on my wrist." I asked her if she wanted to try mine just for a while to see if it was useful, and she was adamant that the only kind she would accept was one that was wrist-worn. I said ok and let her dad handle the rest of the tantrum, and she would barely look at me for the rest of the night.

And living_well, I am in total agreement about kids learning to be irresponsible when they can always return home. I'm all for helping them out when they're stuck, but there's such a fine line between helping and enabling. My bf has mentioned that when his kids were little, he wasn't able to give them everything they wanted. Now, he's more financially secure, and he's making up for what he feels was lost time. Combine that with not living with them 100% of the time, and it's a recipe that could definitely lead to more harm than good (my 2 cents).

That's quite the reluctant agreement you're considering!

outburst is totally the right word. You must really like him to even consider it.

Divorce can be financially devastating. I personally wouldn't be too bothered by him moving back in with the parents given that he lost the marital home and perhaps needed to rebuild his finances or figure out where he wanted to live. What does bother me is that he dumped his home search within a month of dating you. After less than a month he is already thinking "WE" in big terms...that is a GIANT leap and more rushing.

His daughter...oof. Having your own teens can be rough much less dealing with his. I would slow things way down...a lot.

x 2

What has changed?

Sugar_Cane also asked - And what does "being realistic about the dynamics between two females in his life" mean in practice?

I think you are avoiding answering questions about uncomfortable issues.

My apologies...I wasn't trying to avoid anything. Just still getting used to writing on a forum.

The issue with my bf's ex-wife has definitely improved for the most part. I spoke with him about how it made me feel and he asked what he needed from me in order to feel comfortable. I told him that I didn't think it was appropriate for her to consistently interject into his day with texts/pictures/etc about how she was doing, and he agreed. Since then, he has basically ignored those types of texts. She does still seek his attention at times, but he has been great about keeping the communication very business-like, and basically curt.

And about the dynamic of two females in his life, I meant that I want to be respectful of his daughter's feelings and the extent to which she really needs him to be a solid and reliable figure in her life. My 'needs' for him in my life are different from hers, and I don't want to inadvertently command too much of his time or energy that rightfully belongs to her. I'm still learning how this dating world works (I was with my ex-husband from the time I was 17), and I remember being a teenage girl after my parents divorced. It was a VERY fragile time (and yes, I acted out), so I'm really trying not to intervene much.

He did tell me last night, though, that he spoke to his daughter about being more respectful toward me, and that he recognizes he needs to behave more as a parent than as a friend. He got the chance last night to stand firm in telling her 'no' about going to an event and he said that once his tone was firm, she did not push the issue. He was very proud of her (and himself).

I think you both PoJA well but that isn't enough to overcome the looming prospect of his adult daughter living with you. That needs to be resolved and you need to ensure you don't move in before she moves out.

If you're considering it I'd get Dr Hs advice on that dynamic.