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Hello,

I am new to MB, and have diligently been reading everything I can on infidelity.

My H and I have been together 17 years, and married 14 years. He told me he wanted a divorce on 3/31, moved out on 4/7, confirmed the A had been going on 4/16, and then agreed to take divorce off the table on 4/24. He was EXTREMELY angry towards me, which I never understood.

He said it had started emotionally a month before he asked for divorce, and then turned sexual after he told me he was leaving. He is still out of the house. We own a business together that we both ran, but I am no longer working there, and actively looking for work.

He has told everyone at work that we are getting divorced. The OW is an employee, and I have been told by members of the staff that he is flaunting the relationship with her a lot, he hides nothing.

He just recently told his family that we are separated, and did not use the word divorce. They were visiting him over the weekend, and OW tried to incorporate herself right in with them. They very much care for me, and wanted nothing to do with her, though my H mother spent the day fishing with OW. They feel she is completely wrong for him, and will realize his mistakes.

My H did confide in one of our staff members, and his family, that the OW is a alcoholic, and a very mean drunk. She is not allowed to drink around my H.

My H is very much someone who says terrible things to hurt out of anger, and I know he has gotten very good at lying, he is doing it with the staff and customers to justify his current situation, but he has alienated the majority of the staff members, losing their respect.

As I stated, he is out of the house for just over a month now. During this time I have been extremely positive with him, not showing anger, or disrespect. I never talk about OW. I have treated him with dignity, and kindness.

I haven't really wanted to push the boundaries with him, out of fear of pushing him back into divorce. When I have communicated with him, initially it was only being complimentary to him, positive things about him, trying to refill the love tank. Things like "You are strong, I very much respect your amazing work ethic, your passion, drive, and your intelligence." I also let him know how hard I was working on me, to become a better, more positive person, and that I knew I had relied on him to much for my own happiness.

I was informed the H had passed out at work. In the 17 years we have been together, he had only done this once befor, and it was during a time of great stress and pressure.

This type of positive contact went on for three weeks. He never asked me to stop. He then asked me for a couple favors that he needed me to do for the business, which I gladly did, and each time he responded with "thanks". It was the first positive sign from him since he left, the anger seemed to have faded somewhat, but I believe it is because the pressure of the situation is fading. People know it's happening, but just avoid it. Members of the staff barely speak to him, and he seems fine with that.

On Wed, May 6th, I sent him a letter that my counselor helped me draft. It was basically a letter owning my part in all of this. I did not ask him anywhere in this letter to end the A, nor to respond, or come home. It was just about me showing that I am growing, and learning what my faults were to help create the situation.

At the end of the letter, I stated that he had not burned any bridges with me, that I held no judgment towards him, how could I judge him when I was so at fault myself. I ended it by saying "You still have my heart."

I have been completely positive, kind, and treated him with dignity this whole time. The letter seemed to spark something positive, and he has called me now twice, not to speak about anything to do with the relationship, but only about our lawn mowers. The first call he answered a couple questions I had about something to do with the mower, then asked if he could come pick up the 2nd one we have, that I'm not using. The second call was to let me know he is having someone come pick mine up to have it repaired, and returned. But he was kind, and positive. I did not answer that last call or text though, I was busy. I still haven't returned the message.

He is still in deep with OW, in spite of being a mean drunk, as he said she was. I very much want my marriage back, and am willing to do the work, but I don't know which way to go at this point. Do I go dark, or continue with this positive road? Part of me feels it's time to stop pursuing, and hoping to get the response I'm looking for. I still very much love him, and want to save my marriage, but I don't know what that next step should be, or how to do it.

I will lastly add that he controls all the finances at this point, until I can find a job. He has a nice hefty sum in the business account, gave me $250 in my joint acct, and yesterday I did find proof he is helping OW financially. She has major financial issues.


M: 47 H: 52
H asked for divorce: 3/31/15
H Moved out: 4/7/15
H Took divorce off the table: 4/17/15
I filed for divorce: 5/18/15
I entered Plan B: 5/21/15
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I wanted to add that my H is typically a very kind and generous man, if I asked him for more money, he would give it.

I also need to say that he is the head cook at our business, along with owner, and manager. It's an extremely labor intensive stressful job. He works many long hours in a day, and is constantly pulled in many directions. I believe this had a significant amount to do with our marriage falling apart, along with what was wrong in the marriage.


M: 47 H: 52
H asked for divorce: 3/31/15
H Moved out: 4/7/15
H Took divorce off the table: 4/17/15
I filed for divorce: 5/18/15
I entered Plan B: 5/21/15
Joined: Jan 2014
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Have you exposed the affair? You need to expose to everyone, your family, husband's family, friends, and ANYONE and everyone you can get on OW's side. The experts will have more to say but that above all needs to be done.


BW-27
FWH-31
DS-6
Married several years
D-Day- 11/22/13
Plan A+Exposure
NC+Beginning of Recovery-04/2014

In Recovery and happier and more in love than ever
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Being kind in Plan A does not include not being firm and letting him know factually

the affair must end

OW must be out of his life completely, in all angles

for the marriage to survive and recover from his betrayel.

Read up on Plan A
Read up on Plan B

See a lawyer about your financial rights and consider filing for legal seperating to protect yourself from financial betrayel.








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Go into plan B (dark separation) after exposure as the other poster said. He hasn't ended the affair and you are at significant risk of health and emotional problems if you don't separate from him.

The first step is exposure and then plan for a totally dark separation.

It's tempting to see every positive interaction with him as a sign, but if he hasn't ended the affair after this length of time, he is simply giving you crumbs to placate you.



Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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Did you have a question for us?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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You have gone along with his plan to be friends while he and this POSOW are destroying your marriage. That just makes him feel at ease with his affair and the message that you are sending to Everyone else is that you are completely fine with this affair.

Exposure pleads with all friends of his and yours, requesting their help in restoring your marriage. After all, many of those friends and Family members were witness to your marriage vows, weren't they?

Exposure on the drunk skanky home wreckers side is to show that she has no respect for marital boundaries and to hold both sides accountable.

Please read the biok, "Surviving An Affair" and follow the proper instructions on how to Immediately crash their fantasy.

Quit being supportive of this home wrecking affair.

Do you have any children?

LTL

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Before doing ANYTHING, contact an attorney immediately to protect assets.

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Also, your self introspection is good, but your faikings are NOT the reason for his affair.

Most other advice instructs the Betrayed Spouse on how to remain friendly and accepting of the cheating spouses affair.

Dr. Harley, with his Marriage Builder time tested methods instructs that the best chance for a positive outcome is the shine tbe light of day on the cheating spouses despicable marriage wrecking behavior.

Read the 1st sticky post in this sub-forum that says, Read This First and also read the Exposure 101 link at the end of Melody Lane's signature in her posts.

LTL

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Originally Posted by Ginger872
He is still in deep with OW, in spite of being a mean drunk, as he said she was. I very much want my marriage back, and am willing to do the work, but I don't know which way to go at this point. Do I go dark, or continue with this positive road? Part of me feels it's time to stop pursuing, and hoping to get the response I'm looking for. I still very much love him, and want to save my marriage, but I don't know what that next step should be, or how to do it.

Ginger, sorry I missed your question and just saw this. Yes, you should stop pursuing him because it will work against you in many, many ways. First off, it will tear you down emotionally to compete for him. It will happen fast, but most women last about 3-4 weeks before they start suffering emotional and physical damage. That makes you the LESS attractive option. It is also very unattractive for a betrayed wife to pursue her husband.

You did a really good Plan A, but I would suggest you go into Plan B very soon now. You can read about that in the book Surviving an Affair. I would also do a very comprehensive exposure using the tactics outlined in my exposure thread.

It sounds like your H and the OW have successfully spun the story as: Ginger and I are ending our marriage on a happy, amicable note because we have grown apart. In the meantime, I have met a new love interest, Sally Slut. Please welcome her into the family." See, he is using your cooperative, "non judgmental" approach to justify the divorce and prop up his affair. You have unwittingly helped him in that regard.

What we would have suggested is that you be kind, polite, loving, showing him you would be willing to meet his needs if he ended his affair while objecting STRENUOUSLY and LOUDLY to his affair. You have seemed to go along with his affair with this "non judgmental" stance. It is not being judgmental to object to flagrant ABUSE and affairs *ARE* abuse.

I would also challenge your notion that you had a part in his affair. You did not get a vote. You might have contributed to the poor state of the marriage which made the affair more tempting, but you did not have a part in his decision to have an affair. Saying that to a wayward is enabling and unhelpful.

In short, you have done some good things, but you have to fight for your marriage in order to have a chance to save it. Cooperating with his destructive plans lessens your chances of reconciliation.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Please listen to Ms. MelodyLane on this. And also Jedi Knight with his advice to see a lawyer. To recap:

1) See a lawyer
2) Expose to friends and family using Melody's exposure thread. Expose to everyone on OW's side
3) Go into Plan B and protect yourself.


Also internalize the fact that you didn't cause the affair. Replace "having an affair" with "pushing you down a flight of stairs" and see if the analogy holds up. Affairs are abuse, plain and simple and the wayward spouse chooses them without your consent. If he pushed you down a flight of stairs, would you say that you did something to make him do that? No. It's the same with an affair. He chose it. You could have had the best marriage ever and he could have still chosen it.


Last edited by PigletWiglet; 05/13/15 10:23 AM.

Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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Ginger,

Please listen to these veteran posters; they will help you every step of the way. Jedi Knight's advice to immediately seek out assistance from an attorney to protect yourself financially is extremely important. Your husband may not be so generous once you begin to do the necessary things you need to do to stop the affair and save your marriage. You must protect yourself.

You have recognized your own faults in the marriage, but you are not to blame for HIS affair. You have already shown your H your willingness to improve the marriage, now it is time to stop the affair. Don't continue enabling it. This will be diffiicult, but you will find the support and help you need here. You can do this!


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Originally Posted by PigletWiglet
Also internalize the fact that you didn't cause the affair. Replace "having an affair" with "pushing you down a flight of stairs" and see if the analogy holds up. Affairs are abuse, plain and simple and the wayward spouse chooses them without your consent. If he pushed you down a flight of stairs, would you say that you did something to make him do that? No. It's the same with an affair. He chose it. You could have had the best marriage ever and he could have still chosen it.

Wise words.


Remarried 7/16
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I am waiting for a call back from a lawyer.

Would you suggest I speak directly to him, and very caring say something like this, "I love you, but you are being destructive, and the affair with the other woman must end now."


M: 47 H: 52
H asked for divorce: 3/31/15
H Moved out: 4/7/15
H Took divorce off the table: 4/17/15
I filed for divorce: 5/18/15
I entered Plan B: 5/21/15
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
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Originally Posted by Ginger872
I am waiting for a call back from a lawyer.

Would you suggest I speak directly to him, and very caring say something like this, "I love you, but you are being destructive, and the affair with the other woman must end now."

Dont speak to him until after first speaking with your attorney.
In the meantime, read the Exposure 101 thread and let us know when you have finished reading it

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I thought the most painful thing I could ever endure was the night my husband moved out, blaming me for everything that was wrong in our marriage. Turns out, I was wrong.......it's the picture of him and his new girlfriend, arm and arm together, that someone thought you would want to see, so they send it to you, and the response of someone who used to be a friend, saying "congrats to the two of you.".


M: 47 H: 52
H asked for divorce: 3/31/15
H Moved out: 4/7/15
H Took divorce off the table: 4/17/15
I filed for divorce: 5/18/15
I entered Plan B: 5/21/15
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
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Originally Posted by Ginger872
I thought the most painful thing I could ever endure was the night my husband moved out, blaming me for everything that was wrong in our marriage. Turns out, I was wrong.......it's the picture of him and his new girlfriend, arm and arm together, that someone thought you would want to see, so they send it to you, and the response of someone who used to be a friend, saying "congrats to the two of you.".

Ginger, I would wager part of the reason you get emails like this is because you have gone along with your wayward's scheme. I can't imagine the pain you have endured.

This is why we advocate exposing the affair wide and far. This way everyone knows the truth and you get support for your dilemma. If everyone thinks you have just "moved on" and are having an amicable split, no one comes to your defense or helps you fight for your marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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X2. Ginger this is not for you to fix - it is for others to support you. You are not the problem you are the victim.

The problem is waywards act brazen, the BS is apparently 'separated' - It makes it hard for people to take a stand.

Call him out. Expose to everyone that you are not 'separated' which is still married anyway. He moved out to pursue his affair. Call people on it. Do they support you or the marriage? You need to know who's going to help and who's going to hinder.



Do a strategic exposure as outlined in Melody Lanes thread.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Everyone at the restaurant knows, and either doesn't speak to him, or avoids it because they don't want to get in the middle. I've encountered some resistance from family members who don't want to get in the middle either. OW family wants nothing to do with her, she was abusive to her daughters I've been told, and her mom passed away a couple months ago.....which oddly enough, was one of the sob stories she roped him in with.


M: 47 H: 52
H asked for divorce: 3/31/15
H Moved out: 4/7/15
H Took divorce off the table: 4/17/15
I filed for divorce: 5/18/15
I entered Plan B: 5/21/15
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
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Did you read the exposure thread?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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