|
|
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 350
Member
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 350 |
I'm still just getting the machine, and leave a number to call back.
M: 47 H: 52
H asked for divorce: 3/31/15
H Moved out: 4/7/15
H Took divorce off the table: 4/17/15
I filed for divorce: 5/18/15
I entered Plan B: 5/21/15
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I'm still just getting the machine, and leave a number to call back. Ginger, in the meantime, I would get your exposure plan together and start exposing and making plans to go into Plan B. You need the book Surviving an Affair, which can be downloaded on kindle for PC [amazon.com] or purchased in any bookstore. Here are a couple of links that describe Plan B: What Are Plan A and Plan B? HOW TO PLAN B CORRECTLY
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197 |
I'm starting to get scared. Two people have now told me since last night that she will take him for everything she can get. I also just found out that they are living in a house not far from our home. She lost her home because of the court case against her mortgage, so I imagine he is paying for it. What are you scared of? Whether you expose or not, the relationship is happening, which means whatever leverage she has due to the fact that she is an employee, she has no matter WHAT you do. If he faces some sort of civil suit regarding his poor choice, that is a result of him having an affair with an employee, not a result of your actions to try to save your marriage. It just confirms your need to seek an attorney's help to protect yourself against the liability.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197 |
I've also been told he does not seem happy, he's quiet, distant, and making poor choices at the restaurant. It is common for people involved in an affair to feel lost and depressed. Affairs are immoral and destructive acts and they therefore do not make a person feel good and happy about their life. We always liken the affair fog and addiction to that of an alcoholic. It is similarly comparable in this way. Getting falling down drunk every night, physically and mentally hurt, destroying your family, suffering consequences like DWI and loss of reputation, and all the other things that can come with being an alcoholic, feel BAD not good. But it is an addiction so you keep going back, despite that. Same with affairs.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 350
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 350 |
I have read about plan B, and plan to do that now. I'm so worried for him.....us. I honestly think he may feel trapped.
When I contact her friends/family, can I express my concern that she is using him financially?
I am going to get grief from family, I've already been called a manipulator by his brother, for doing things that will effect the business. He thinks I'm trying to hurt him, and make him lose the business. This is my biggest fear!
M: 47 H: 52
H asked for divorce: 3/31/15
H Moved out: 4/7/15
H Took divorce off the table: 4/17/15
I filed for divorce: 5/18/15
I entered Plan B: 5/21/15
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 350
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 350 |
Do I include H parents in the exposure?
M: 47 H: 52
H asked for divorce: 3/31/15
H Moved out: 4/7/15
H Took divorce off the table: 4/17/15
I filed for divorce: 5/18/15
I entered Plan B: 5/21/15
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
Do I include H parents in the exposure? Yes of course. All close friends and relatives should be included.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2011
Posts: 11,239 |
I have read about plan B, and plan to do that now. I'm so worried for him.....us. I honestly think he may feel trapped.
When I contact her friends/family, can I express my concern that she is using him financially?
I am going to get grief from family, I've already been called a manipulator by his brother, for doing things that will effect the business. He thinks I'm trying to hurt him, and make him lose the business. This is my biggest fear! I wouldn't say she is using him financially. Just stick to the facts and explain that she is having an affair with your husband.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 350
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 350 |
Unwritten......thank you for the info on his current state of mind. I don't understand, if it makes them feel this way, why do they not get out? I just can't wrap my head around this.
M: 47 H: 52
H asked for divorce: 3/31/15
H Moved out: 4/7/15
H Took divorce off the table: 4/17/15
I filed for divorce: 5/18/15
I entered Plan B: 5/21/15
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 350
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 350 |
I have a question. I like to know facts before I do anything major, it's just the way I've always been.
What are the stats on exposure? Are there success stories, and if so, what percentage?
M: 47 H: 52
H asked for divorce: 3/31/15
H Moved out: 4/7/15
H Took divorce off the table: 4/17/15
I filed for divorce: 5/18/15
I entered Plan B: 5/21/15
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I have read about plan B, and plan to do that now. I'm so worried for him.....us. I honestly think he may feel trapped.
When I contact her friends/family, can I express my concern that she is using him financially?
I am going to get grief from family, I've already been called a manipulator by his brother, for doing things that will effect the business. He thinks I'm trying to hurt him, and make him lose the business. This is my biggest fear! Your biggest fear should be divorce, which is exactly where you are headed RIGHT NOW. She will be able to use him financially if the affair continues. Exposure will put great pressure on the affair to end. It is no guarantee, but exposure always makes the affair less desirable and sometimes kills them immediately. In your case, I don't think it will kill it immediately because this has gone on so long, but it will inflict great great damage and hasten its death.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I have a question. I like to know facts before I do anything major, it's just the way I've always been.
What are the stats on exposure? Are there success stories, and if so, what percentage? Almost all of us who are in recovered marriages attribute it to exposure. I would say it is about 50/50. HOWEVER, in your case it is much less because you have allowed this to go on for so long. The longer you wait the more entrenched the affair becomes. However, it is your BEST CHANCE at saving this. What are the stats of saving a marriage when you DON'T EXPOSE? This is the plan you have followed, so how has that worked for you?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I have a question. I like to know facts before I do anything major, it's just the way I've always been. Since this is how you have always been, what are the stats of your current path?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 350
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 350 |
I have no idea, ML. I'm literally in a confused fog myself. This isn't normal for me.
M: 47 H: 52
H asked for divorce: 3/31/15
H Moved out: 4/7/15
H Took divorce off the table: 4/17/15
I filed for divorce: 5/18/15
I entered Plan B: 5/21/15
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 350
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 350 |
I could just kick myself.....the phone rang, and I just immediately answered it in a rush, and it was H. I wish I hadn't done that.
M: 47 H: 52
H asked for divorce: 3/31/15
H Moved out: 4/7/15
H Took divorce off the table: 4/17/15
I filed for divorce: 5/18/15
I entered Plan B: 5/21/15
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
I could just kick myself.....the phone rang, and I just immediately answered it in a rush, and it was H. I wish I hadn't done that. There is no reason you shouldn't speak to him now. You are not in Plan B yet. Are you reading the advice in our posts?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
There are no guarantees, but if you can put aside your emotions and follow a plan, it will give you the greatest chance at recovery. Can you follow a plan?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 350
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 350 |
Yes. I'm trying my best, I am. This is the most difficult thing I've ever been through,
M: 47 H: 52
H asked for divorce: 3/31/15
H Moved out: 4/7/15
H Took divorce off the table: 4/17/15
I filed for divorce: 5/18/15
I entered Plan B: 5/21/15
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Yes. I'm trying my best, I am. This is the most difficult thing I've ever been through, We understand completely!! That is the beauty and value of this forum. We can help you walk through this. We have been through this ourselves and are not crippled by emotions. [as we all were when we went through it!] So if you can follow a plan, you will have the best chance at recovery.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985 Likes: 1 |
Here are the most important steps right now:
1. plan your exposure and get it done
2. read the links about Plan B, download the book Surviving an Affair and start preparing to go into a dark Plan B next week
Plan B is a total separation where you send him a love letter giving him a path back. You will tell him that he may not contact you unless he ends his affair and cuts off all contact with the OW. [that means she will have to leave the job] You would not allow him to contact you during this time. It might takes months for that to happen, but in the meantime, you go about your life.
3. get legal protection so he doesn't wipe you out financially
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
700
guests, and
55
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
|
