I don't really know what I am asking, or what I am wanting by coming to this forum. I just feel desperate and frustrated. I love my husband, and I want a happy family with him, but he is making that nearly impossible.

He is always bringing me down with his insecurities. I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells, and I am exhausted with it. He says I am hard to live with because I get so upset and have resorted to yelling and crying, but I am an emotional wreck. I try to show him that the ONLY time I am like that is in reaction to him.

I have never cheated on him, flirted with anyone else, anything like that, but from day 1 he has never trusted me or supported me. It makes our life hell.

I know someone will say, "why did you stay if he was like that in the beginning?" At the very beginning he seemed to hide his insecurities a little better, then we were in a long distance relationship and I thought it was the distance that was making him feel that way and once we were married and together that it would subside. But it hasn't, in fact, after 11 years of marriage we are no better off. Some things have improved, but the insecurity and hurtful things that are always being said are just as bad as ever!

I have read "His Needs Her Needs" and it is wonderful. I managed to get him to read parts of it, but he had a problem with the book the second he saw the cover and it had the word "affair" on it. Even when we are meeting eachother's needs it really doesn't matter because as soon as he starts to feel insecure for some reason, I get treated like crap.

He is a good guy at heart, he is smart, fun, caring, a great dad, and I believe he wants to be a good husband. But once these things come into his head, he would say anything hurtful to me and doesn't seem to care at all about how it is harming our marriage.

Sorry for the long post. At 30 years old, mom of 2, I am too exhausted to do this anymore. I don't want to live in the constant negativity anymore, but I don't want a divorce. Don't know what to think or do. Thanks for letting me share / vent / whatever it is I am doing!

Most of the time, insecurities or jealousies are a person's natural instinct in the face of a threat. What is it your H is feeling threatened by? Do you have opposite sex friendships? Can you explain in more detail about how/what he does to be 'insecure?'

Meeting each other's needs is a great start, but it does NOT safeguard a marriage from affairs. So you can be meeting each other's needs perfectly, but one of you could still have an affair if the conditions are present to do so.

Being treated like 'crap' though, would indicate that there are anger management issues or abuse, or that you are dealing with a plethora of love busters. And that is never OK.

I would highly suggest you both read the book Lovebusters as it seems that you have many love busting behaviors in your marriage.

Does he specifically think you have had an affair, or is he just jealous in general? If he thinks you have cheated, what reason(s) does he give?

Also, does your husband have any history of brain injury? I ask because listening to the MB Radio the subject of a paranoid spouses who were convinced their mate was in an affair came up and Dr. Harley talked about how brain injury can cause paranoia, and it turned out to be applicable in that case.

I am on my phone so I won't be able to give a great reply. I will elaborate more when I am back at a computer. But since y'all were kind enough to reply, I wanted to respond a little.

I know that insecurity can be a natural instinct but there is NO threat. He has NO reason whatsoever for him to act the way he does. I don't have guy friends, in fact I really don't have friends at all, and I am, by nature, a social person. It is hard to make friends when you know you can never really do anything and be trusted. I don't flirt, I don't go out for drinks, nothing.

To explain a little more about how I get treated, this morning I woke up and got dressed like usual. Had on a loose sweater, with black jeans. (Nothing revealing by any stretch. And I saw him glaring at me. When I said "why are you looking at me like that?" His response was you sure are getting cute to go to a meeting. These are the kind of things that happen all the time that just make my heart sink....

There is so much more, but I could go on and on. And no, no brain injury.

And no, he does not think I have had an affair. In fact he will admit he knows I have NOT. It seems like in some way he thinks he is keeping me from having an affair. Which is ridiculous because I will not ever have an affair, I would leave first. I am much to honest of a person.

For us it really isn't about anyone potentially cheating, it is about how can I live like this?!

bb84, can you ask him to make up a list of things that make him uncomfortable and give it to you?

I think that you both need to start by eliminating love busters, but I want to see if there is anything you can do to make him feel more secure.

Sorry, I am new to this site, what is a love buster again? Obviously it is something that does not help the relationship in any way but....? To be honest I feel like I have done nothing but try to make him "feel more secure" for the past 12 years and I feel like all I have done is enable him to still be that way. I am tired of walking on eggshells and constantly trying to convince him of something he should already know.

I would totally understand if I dressed provocatively or flirted with people, but that is so far from who I am.

I already know all the this that make him insecure.....basically anything where he is not in control or watching over me. I am a teacher, so typically I am just in a class with teenagers all day long. So, if I have to go to a meeting or something that involves other adults, then I KNOW it will lead to a fight. I can't even be the great teacher I would like to be because if I stay after a few minutes to finish grading or give tutorials, because if I did, I must be doing something wrong. If I say I am going to run to the store, without the kids, I must be doing something wrong.

I am honestly NOT doing things to make him insecure, he just is. One day I am treated like some kind of slut, the next he's all happy go lucky, and I am just supposed to forget and move on. I am completely willing to do that, but we never really move on. It ALWAYS comes back. Sometimes a day later, sometimes a couple days, the longest we are ever good is maybe a week. Just don't know what to do anymore.

Hi bb84. Check out these two articles and see what you think:

Controlling Husband 1

Controlling Husband 2


I'd also like to point out to you that I realize you are obviously frustrated, but you come across as extremely disrespectful towards your husband. I'd suspect he has the same problem which isn't helping matters.

A love buster is disrespectful behavior that wrecks the love in a marriage. You can read all about them in the "start here first" thread at the top of the forum.


I think you are walking on eggshells because he has been controlling and disrespectful to you. But you have been the same way to him.


Then why would you work late, go to meetings or the store without his enthusiastic agreement? My husband and I don't do any of those things without the enthusiastic agreement of the other. My husband is not "insecure" but it wouldn't make sense to make him MORE insecure by doing things I know bother him.

If you are doing those things without his agreement, then you are controlling him and are fueling his insecurity.


But you are not the determiner of what makes him "insecure." HE IS. And it sounds like you are doing things that bother him.

From Lovebusters, Independent Behavior:

here

I don't treat him with disrespect at all, I treat him well and then things go down hill as soon as he begins feeling insecure again. The vicious cycle is slowly killing me. I think I am just so frustrated right now and just talking about it is making me feel even more pain.

But you are right, I don't "handle it" well at all. I yell, cuss, and I feel like I am losing my mind.

I think I am even more upset right now because just last weekend we had a big arguement, followed by him promising that he would stop bringing me down, being so negative, etc. Then just yesterday (only 2 days after all the promises) I was treated like crap all day. Now today he seems to be acting like nothing happened. How can he not understand how much pain he is putting me through?

I read the articles, and yes I can relate very much to the first lady's letter. Some of the issues are different but I feel just like her.....

A couple of questions. Are you married? How long married? Have either of you been married before and have either of you had an affair?

What exactly happened?

I don't know how to do the multi -quote response or I would.

Basically you are saying I should just never go anywhere.....which is what I am pretty much already doing. And I DON'T stay late, or really go anywhere. (The few times I do ever do ANYTHING is when I go for a little shopping with my mom and sister). This might happen once a month at most.....

Do you have kids? If so, what would you think if your child needed to stay and get a little help (I am a math teacher, so this is very common for math teachers to have to do). I ALWAYS tell my kids, "sorry I can't stay today". Believe me I don't want to stay, I would much rather be at home playing with my two little ones. But from time to time there is a need for it, and I can't do what I need to do to be a good teacher.

Also, many of the fights come from things that I have NO control over. Like a training that I have to attend or a meeting. He has to do the same things (plus much more considering he is a coach), and it is no big deal. I never make his life hell just because he HAS to do something. But a fight will start almost EVERY time I am made to do anything out of the norm for the typical day.

How have I been controlling of him? I have done nothing but support him, raise our kids, take care of the household on a constant basis, but nothing is good enough. I will agree that maybe I am disrespectful once I have been accused of being something I am not (over and over again). But I am never that way when he is being his "happy self".

I am sorry I am getting so frustrated, I really appreciate outsiders opinions. It doesn't seem like y'all are understanding the severity of the situation. I honestly feel like I am being mentally abused by him.

Yes, we have been married for 11 years. I am 30 years old, so as you can see I have been with him my whole adult life. No one has cheated. He is quite a bit older than me, but was not married before. Are age difference never really seems to be an issue, we have same interest, have fun together, get along well with others despite age.....but I do wonder if it is partly because of our age difference that he feels insecure. My issue with that is I can't change our ages, and he knew I would always be younger.....

WE understand completely. What we see here is a man who is disrespectful to his wife. And a wife who believes she is entitled to do anything whether he agrees or not. What if your husband continually did things that bothered YOU and he decided your objections were micky mouse?

Let me explain what controlling means. It means you force your spouse to do something against his will. That includes forcing him to deal with your actions. For example, if he doesn't agree with you going shopping with your mother and sister and you do it anyway, YOU are controlling him by forcing him to accept your decision. He is NOT controlling you if he asks you not to go.


First off, You ALWAYS have control over this. What bothers him about this?

It started with him criticizing the way I looked in the morning. "Why are you looking so cute..." With a horrible glare on his face. (I was wearing black jeans and a loose pink sweater.... nothing revealing or even that cute.) I had a professional development this first half of the day and then normal class the second half. I know he was only acting like that because he doesn't like me having to do anything other than my normal teaching. On any other given day he wouldn't have noticed the outfit at all.

The other thing that hurts about this is that if he did think I looked cute, a complement would have meant the world to me, instead I get a remark implying that I am dressing for some one else (who I don't know?!)

Then, throughout the day I was getting numerous text saying "what are you doing, what is this meeting anyway...." Then when I wouldn't reply right away I would get criticized for that. Knowing I was sitting there in a meeting where no one even had their phones out. There gave us a few bathroom breaks and I would respond then, but nothing was good enough.


I am sorry that I have come across so frustrated, I am. But I do love my husband and would love to have a happy, healthy relationship with him and I keep forgiving him and moving on. But how long can the vicious cycle keep going. I want to do what I can do to stop it, but in the back of mind I doubt that it is possible to stop.

How do I have control over something that is required by my job? What am I supposed to say "my husband is controlling and I can't attend anything where there are other men."?

Not trying to be a smart butt, just don't see how this can be perceived as normal behavior??? I don't really know why he acts like this in these situations. I guess just because there are women and men in the meetings. All we do is sit there and listen to someone talk, then I immediately go pick up the kids. I don't stick around and socialize afterwards.... nothing. This is why it is so hard for me to make any friends. I am never available to visit or get to know people (girl friends, not referring to guys). I feel alone. I can't talk to my family about this stuff because I don't want them to worry about us.

Thanks everyone for your feedback.

MelodyLane is right on point with this. I do understand your frustration and anger. Part of the solution though, is going to be understanding your own role in all of this. It's much easier for us to see because we're not so emotionally wrapped up in it.

Did he know what you had planned that day? It sounds like the way he handles his discomfort is to take little digs. My husband used to do this before we went through this program. He learned to be open and honest [and respectful!] when something bothers him.

My husband hates change of any type [that is his personality type] and what has changed this dramatically is the policy of joint agreement, never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse. For example, if I am going to a day meeting in another city, I always tell him as soon as I know and we discuss it. That seems to alleviate his discomfort.

I do agree with you that he is not treating you well, but I see things you can control.

Can you approach him with this program?