Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 59
J
julesm Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 59
5 weeks ago i found out my husband was having an affair i want to tell you guys my story but dont know if this is the right spot or if im posting in the right location!!!


hurt@soconfused
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by julesm
5 weeks ago i found out my husband was having an affair i want to tell you guys my story but dont know if this is the right spot or if im posting in the right location!!!
Of course it is, and you are! Please go ahead.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Jul 2013
Posts: 810
How long have you been married?

Do you have any children?


DDays - six months of them
THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders.
We never knew that it could be this good! smile
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jun 2013
Posts: 1,391
How long have you been married?

Did you discover with whom your Wayward Husband is having this affair with?

Is this the 1st time you suspected an affair?

How has your marriage been prior to this timeframe?

Do you have any children and if so, what are their ages?

Do they work together?

How do they maintain contact with each other?

Do you feel that you want to try to save your married?

You must be capable of taking serious actions to destroy the affair. Are you willing to do that?

Have you read the top post in this sub-forum entitled, "Surviving An Affair"?

Read that topic thread and all of the links to understand how and why you will be requested to take certain actions.

LTL

Joined: May 2015
Posts: 59
J
julesm Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 59
we have been together 16 years married for 6 and have 2 children.i found out about the affair 4 weeks ago and went straight to this website for advice. i found break up messages and we talked and talked and cried!
after a week of knowing he broke down (which i have never seen before) and told me he loves me but is not 'in love ' with me this hurt so much. i read about the withdrawl from affairs and have tried to be really strong.its been 4 weeks now and although he seems to becoming more like the man i love again. but will he every love me or am i wasting my time and tears!!!!


hurt@soconfused
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by julesm
but will he every love me or am i wasting my time and tears!!!!

You would be wasting your time and tears if you don't have a plan for recovery. Have you read the Marriage Builders plan for recovery?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: May 2015
Posts: 59
J
julesm Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 59
i have been with my husband for 16 years, we have 2 children and have been through some tough years together we have always been a good 'team'. in 2013 we moved to a small cottage that needed alot of work, we worked well together even when we were stressed out. xmas 2013 he lost his dad, we got through that and still had a good xmas and new year in our building site of a house. we worked very hard in 2014 to finish the house before our daughters communion in may, we did it after very long evenings of bloody hard work and had a big family celebration. then he went back to working long hours and over the summer we drifted apart, 1st it was never having time to do anything together, then our sex life became non existant ( me pulling away because of lack of time together) we both knew our marriage was in trouble. winter 2014 i knew something else was going on his personality changed even family noticed it. xmas and new year was terrible he was so distant.just before easter this year he started coming home early and getting involved with home life and going on days out with the kids and seemed more relaxed but i still couldnt rest i eventually found 'break up' meassages on his phone, it all came out. he had been having an affair from october 2014 - march 2015, only a coffee and meet ups at first then turned more serious just before christmas he spent 5 nights with her over that time. we talked and looked at your website and decided to try and move forward. 1 week after i found out he broke down and said he loved me but was not 'in love ' with me. he wants to stay and the affair has ended but we are 4 weeks on from that break down and i still feel no real affection for me although he is starting to be more like the man i knew before all this. will he ever love me again or am i wasting my time and my love?????


hurt@soconfused
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Did you read Melody Lane's posts? Have you exposed his affair at all and have you done anything on the checklist she posted?

How have you confirmed that the affair is over? What kind of snooping are you doing to confirm this?

Joined: May 2015
Posts: 59
J
julesm Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 59
i have read it, its hard at the minute because im trying to be strong and let his feelings for me come back. somedays i think we are really connecting better than we ever have, then other times i think my god how will we ever get through this!! frown


hurt@soconfused
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Welcome to MB and I'm sorry for your pain.

MB has a specific plan to recover marriages after an affair. But you have to follow a PLAN and not just blog about feelings.

Are you interested in following a plan and recovering your marriage?

Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,527
Likes: 9
Originally Posted by julesm
bloody hard work
You must be British!


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 59
J
julesm Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 59
i have exposed is affair to his sister and couple of close friends, ive checked his phone and e.mails even though i know he could delete from them if need be. he told me she sent 2 text messages the week after he broke it off, her ranting and raving at him but did not show me them! he promised me he wouldnt respond after reading the 'withdrawl' from an affair but who knows, this is why i am so confused. we have tried making love he can satisfy me but not himself and that makes me wonder if really he wants to be with her. he says its because he loves me but fell out of 'love' and still feels guilty about what he did to me!


hurt@soconfused
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 59
J
julesm Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 59
i am!


hurt@soconfused
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by julesm
i have exposed is affair to his sister and couple of close friends, ive checked his phone and e.mails even though i know he could delete from them if need be. he told me she sent 2 text messages the week after he broke it off, her ranting and raving at him but did not show me them! he promised me he wouldnt respond after reading the 'withdrawl' from an affair but who knows, this is why i am so confused. we have tried making love he can satisfy me but not himself and that makes me wonder if really he wants to be with her. he says its because he loves me but fell out of 'love' and still feels guilty about what he did to me!

The first thing that must happen is that he ends all contact with her. That means he gives you his phone and/or gets a new phone so she can no longer contact him. We don't care if he tells you that he doesn't respond because that makes absolutely no difference. As long as she is free to contact him, the affair is active.

The REASON he has fallen out of love with you is because he is in love with the OW. He is just saying th4e same things that ALL cheaters say. He is high on the fog on the affair. His feelings will NEVER come back as long as they are in contact.

So first thing is to demand that he end his affair. He has to get a new phone # and email address.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
you have to DO the things on this list, starting with him NEVER having contact with her ever. EVER.

Originally Posted by MelodyLane
From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jul 2008
Posts: 2,964
Jules,

One very important question does the OW have a husband, OWH, or boyfriend.

Before the OW cuts off contact, copy all of her facebook, linked in and other contact lists.

Gamma

Joined: May 2015
Posts: 59
J
julesm Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 59
No she is divorced with children. I have no contact details for her I don't even know her name he doesn't want me to contact her. I think this is unfair but he wants to forget about it!


hurt@soconfused
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 59
J
julesm Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
J
Joined: May 2015
Posts: 59
I am interested in a plan, he just wants to forget what happened because he's ashamed. I have told him if he doesn't fully get on board with building our marriage up I will go back to England with the kids in the summer to be around my family for support.


hurt@soconfused
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
Originally Posted by unwritten
How have you confirmed that the affair is over? What kind of snooping are you doing to confirm this?

Page 1 of 10 1 2 3 9 10

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,027 guests, and 52 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5