Hello Jules, I feel so sorry for you. Although I only registered recently, I started reading on the forum years ago and have listened to hundereds of radio shows. Everything Dr. Harley says is not just good advice, but thoroughly researched and proven to be true. You can do the research yourself or just trust me on this one. Trusting Dr. Harley might save you a lot of time

You are not here for a walk on the beach, you are here to finish a triathlon. Untrained. Luckily the veterans are here to guide you and tell you what to do or don't.

I want to give you a glimpse in the mind of an affair partner. Although I don't consider myself an affair "partner" (I didn't know the truth), to my surprise and disgust, my mind wanted to take me down that road.

The reason I found this site (I visited many other sites, but this is the best one) was I found out the man I would have gladly spent the rest of my life with and who I wanted to be the father of my children, forgot to tell me about his wife and child (lost love, found eachother again and rekindled our love, but in between he got married).

I was devastated, disgusted and sick to my stomach, because adultery is against every moral instinct that I have. The mere thought of him betraying his wife and babyson with me left me awake many nights, feeling sick to my stomach. I informed her pastor who promised to inform her and guide her dealing with this.

As time went by, I started missing him so bad, it hurt. I found myself smiling when a memory popped up and right after that, got sick to my stomach because I would think of his wife and kid. Everytime I saw the type of car he was driving, I was trigered into thinking about him. Having a cup of coffee triggered memories of us drinking coffee together. If I drove to work, near a certain curve in the road, his name popped up in my head and triggered a smile on my face before I realized it.
My mind played tricks on me. What if he files for divorce? What if I seduce him and get pregnant? I knew he would have a hard time forgetting me and the only thing I had to do was as simple as snap my fingers and he would run to me.

This totally confused me, I never would have thought I could still feel love for an adulterer who also had betrayed me. But I did. I always kept my distance with married men, never fancied one and I never understood how married people could cheat. Never in a million years I could have imagined myself being drawn to a man who had betrayed his wife. With me.

All of a sudden I found myself totally addicted and tempted to do just the thing I never could have imagined. Thank God I never gave in and never contacted him again. But I really, really, really wanted to. Badly.

Your man knew he was married when he started his affair, so did his AP. Your man and his AP knew it would hurt you, but still continued. Expect them to experience the same as I did: they will be triggered. "Good" memories of the OW will pop up in his mind. There will be times he seems a good man on the path of recovery, but there will be times he is as crazy as all waywards get. Don't believe it when he says it is all over, get proof. Words that come out of his mouth can't be trusted. Trust actions. And most importantly, it will take a certain amount of time for your husband to get normal. He still is in the fog, he still is a heroin addict craving for his shot. He won't turn into your loving husband overnight. Follow the plan and he will, eventually. For now, remember he is a stranger/cheater/adulterer in your husbands body. He might look like the man you once knew, but he isn't. SAA is like exorcism for adulterers.

You are only at the beginning of your triathlon. It is hard, but you will make it to the finish. The advice given here is the best advice you wil get. The faster you follow it, the sooner this will be all behind you. If you don't follow all of the advice, it is more likely to get false recovery, which will only lead to more pain. If you absorb SAA and follow this plan of recovery, you will get there with as little pain as possible as fast as possible.

Also, if recovery isn't possible, this plan is designed to guide you throuhg this with as little pain as possible. Which will still be more than anyone should ever have to suffer.

Follow the plan to the letter, no short-cuts. You will regret it if you skip parts. You will have to start again if you find out (again) he and the OW are still in contact and that will cause you even more pain. Better do it one time and do it good.

Goody2hoes, what wonderful advice.

And thank you for sharing your story as the "other woman who didn't know she was the other woman." You did the right thing in spite of the pain. Strength of character matters for something in this world, and you had enough self-respect and respect for his wife and child to walk away cleanly from a situation that could not have possibly had a good ending for you.

How are things with you, jules?

hi sugarcane and indiegirl,
Im so sorry it has taken me so long to update you guys, thanks for the patience.
I was in the middle of the storm!
Everything exploded about 6 weeks ago and boy did she show her true colours, she dosent want my wh but she didnt want anyone else to have him either. I seen a shift in my husband even the language he used when talking about her changed.

We went on the trip to the uk to visit my family my wh came to but we were not like husband and wife it was all very weird and awkward! But me and the kids had a lovely time.

So this is were im at now, contact is gone, we have swapped phones a couple of times and im also keeping up with the snooping, he tells me where he is going and i check!

My dilemma is he is so quiet, with me the kids, his own family, friends, everyone really.

Is this depression or does he just not want to be here with us??
Im at the point now were i need some love from my h im running out of steam.
His sisters keep telling me im 3quarters of the way there and not to give up now they have faith that they have seen a change to.

Its like he is empty!I dont know what else i can do, wait it out or leave.

We have had sex once, before it he promised he would never hurt me again. but since then nothing.

You guys know the pattern, maybe im being played again, i dont know anymore i thought i would feel more love from him, then i tell myself to be paitent.

He knows i will not be made a fool of again, he has also seen how strong i am now and i think he resents me a little for being so strong and no longer needing or depending on him so much.
Thanks guys xxxx

hi goody2shoes
thanks for your post im only reading it now. you are right in everything you say he is behaving like an addict and completely feeling sorry for himself. my wh was never one to sit around moping but he looks miserable and that really hurts.
I dont know how it will all end but im trying my best and thats all i can do. Im keeping myself busy and so is he but not together, no matter how much i try we just find it hard being around each other. xxx

Has your WH sent her a NC letter?

Has he changed all his contact information?

Are you going into Plan B?

hi brainhurts
yes n/c letter was sent
he still has the same contact details but i have access.
i am not going into plan b just yet.

my feeling is, there has been no contact for the last 4 weeks [it got very messy towards the end]but i think he is pineing for her.
He is also moping around like he has just had a slap in the face[which is what i feel like doing].
If i find out there is still contact i will move out with the kid[if he refuses to go]

I think at the minute the thought of his family and friends judging him is killing him. Tough luck thats what happens when you cheat and lie.

xx

Jules, I haven't followed your thread all the way through, but I will just tell you that his leaving his contact information the same will doom your chances. All it takes is one contact from the OW and the affair will be back on. He should change his phone # and email address and any other method the OW used to contact him.

Having access to his cell and email will not prevent that.

Hi melodylane
He wont change his mobile phone number because of work [lame i know] his e.mails come through me and he rarely uses the computer.

To be honest i am tired of it all,we will have a good day when i get a glimpse of h then he is gone again.
I have also changed alot, meditation and excercise have really helped me [he has put on alot of weight over the last month]

I have also been doing alot of stuff around the house, we need to sell this place and split the profit between us and h's brother. We have 1 wall left to knock down and a few walls to plaster, he keeps coming up with excuses not to do it just yet. I think the reason for this is he's worried when we do sell am i going to just ask for my share and head off with the kids. He keeps looking for houses on the market that will suit us as a family! That confuses me as he is still making no effort in the marriage.

Im sure everybodys 'affair' situation is a little different but the outcome is the same, husband gets a grip and really tries or goes back to ow. The wife gets really strong and thinks 'i deserve better than this crap'or is able to follow mb's rules with the wh on board and give the marriage a chance to heal.

I dont know how to get him on board when it seems he wants to be left in his own little world.
xx

This would be a deal breaker. He can get a new phone #. As long as she can contact him, you are never safe. That is not negotiable and you shouldn't stand for it.


Strength is a choice, though. So our general advice to betrayed wives is that they stay in Plan A for 3 weeks and if the WS does not meet the conditions for recovery, they should go into Plan B. Your spouse is not doing anything.


Plan B would the logical next step. I would give him your list of conditions, which would be: change his contact information and commit to a program of recovery that restores the love in your marriage or move out. If you remain in a situation with a spouse that refuses to take the necessary steps for recovery, you are just setting yourself up for emotional and physical ailments along with the inevitable future affairs. Don't set yourself up for that.

By staying with him while he refuses to make just compensation, you are actually making it LESS LIKELY your marriage will ever recover. The reason is because you are giving him the impression you will accept him on any terms, which removes any motivation he would have to step up. And you are eroding your mental and physical health, which makes you much less attractive. You have lowered the bar SO LOW that he is just living DOWN to your expectations, making recovery impossible.

I would oblige him in this respect. If he only wants to be in his little world, he can move out for that and leave you in peace.

He's definitely not on board, I thought this is what maybe lots of people go through when the affair has ended and the wh is in some kind of depression, but obviously he is just dragging his feet. I've tried to give him space and not smoother him and let him come to terms with everything that's happened and for me to build my strength back up. I guess it's time for me to kick his [censored], I have held off because the Harley's say while they are still in withdrawal and fog try to just be 'here' some withdrawal periods can be longer than others.

He his home now in bad form and cranky! Me and the kids where laughing and joking and he's just sitting there!!
I think we are happier when he is not around......that's sad.
Xx

There is a big difference between being in withdrawal and refusing to do anything to recover the marriage. It is an expectation that most WS will be in withdrawal. That doesn't mean they don't have to do anything to recover the marriage.


So far, he is driving the ship here, and as long as that continues your marriage will stay in the ditch. You won't build strength at all; this scenario will further erode your strength. This is why Dr Harley is adamant that Plan A only lasts 3 weeks for women. It can be emotionally devastating for women and can cause lasting damage.

To put it another way, not having a plan in place is a plan to fail.

Set him down and explain to him that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell him you are willing to give him an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. end all contact with the OW for life, changing all contact information

2. no more nights apart or going out without each other - create a healthy, integrated lifestyle

3. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

4. no more opposite sex friendships

5. complete honesty about affair<s> � passing a polygraph

6. commit to the Marriage Builders program for recovery as outlined in the book Surviving an Affair.

Tell him "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on his willingness and ability to make radical changes. His lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. He is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe.

He must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now he has failed. Unless he makes a 180 degree turn in his approach to what it means to be a husband, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.

You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by taking this approach, because if he won't do these things, you will have lost nothing except a loveless, abusive marriage.

Unless you use this program to create a much better marriage than the one you had before the affair, you are likely looking at repeat affairs. So don't even think you can get away with sweeping the affair under the rug and going back to what you had before. What you had before led to the affair!

hi melodylane
you are so right he has been steering the ship for to long. saturday i gave him a talking to, i have held my tongue for so long it felt good to give him a few home truths! i didnt shout or argue, just told him how miserable he's been, that he is dragging me down and in short has been a spineless selfish twat.
he agreed and basically said he dosent know where to start with making things right between us, he has been working long hours because he thinks we are happier without him ( pure selfpity) i basically told him boo hoo! get a grip and start working for our marriage to work.

So sunday came, he was here and present for a change, even came on a family walk (this is a 1st)so we had an ok day.
sunday evening i gave him my list of what he needs to do for our marriage to work. we talked about it and he seems genuinely onboard (but we will see) he said he feels relief that he has something to follow because he feels lost!
so today is monday the start of a new week and hopefully i'll see some changes.
i feel better in myself and thats something, the sun is shining and our niece and nephew are coming over for the day so im going to enjoy some innocent laughter from the kiddo's.
thanks x

That is good news!
Now keep at it and follow the steps from SAA, so you keep on track. Do not let him get away with a couple of halfhearted efforts.

As was said, if you set the bar high, he will live up to your expectations and you will have a great marriage, or if not, you will have lost a spineless selfish twat.

Thanks happyheart
I will keep at it,its been a rollercoaster so far but im staying at the top now.
i have already told him i want our marriage to work(but only if the marriage is a happy place to be) but i dont need to be married to be happy i will do just fine on my own.

Whatever will be will be, i have faith in my future.
xx

If you want to be successful you need to follow the checklist MelodyLane posted

Recovery will not be achieved by compromise. You need to follow all the steps. If you try to meet your WH half way, you will end up with a broken marriage. You will be relegated to the secondary role of meeting those needs that he can not get met from his secret second life.