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#2855298 05/24/15 06:45 PM
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Hi everyone,

This is my first time on here. I am looking for advice as to how I should respond to my husband's emotional affair.

To the point - what should I do if he has broken some of his contact with the other woman, but not all of it? Also, he has been responsive to me, trying to spend time with me and have fun, but he won't talk about the other woman or us. He says he's "emotionally exhausted" and it seems very true; he's depressed in general about his life because of this situation, his health, and his job. The summary is, I'm seeing some improvement from him, but not remorse and not honesty. Should I move out? keep filling his love tank? live with him but distance myself? Right now I don't know what would be effective with him, and its obvious that any major argument or "drama" with me would be the last straw for him.


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Originally Posted by yourlifeagain
Hi everyone,

This is my first time on here. I am looking for advice as to how I should respond to my husband's emotional affair.

To the point - what should I do if he has broken some of his contact with the other woman, but not all of it? Also, he has been responsive to me, trying to spend time with me and have fun, but he won't talk about the other woman or us. He says he's "emotionally exhausted" and it seems very true; he's depressed in general about his life because of this situation, his health, and his job. The summary is, I'm seeing some improvement from him, but not remorse and not honesty. Should I move out? keep filling his love tank? live with him but distance myself? Right now I don't know what would be effective with him, and its obvious that any major argument or "drama" with me would be the last straw for him.

What would be the most effective is to stop enabling his affair and exposing it to everyone using the tactics on my exposure thread. The longer they are in contact, the more entrenched the affair and the harder it will be to save your marriage.

I am sure he doesn't want any "drama;" he wants to continue to have you around as an option while he pursues his affair. All you do is make yourself the less attractive option by allowing him to abuse you like this.

If you want to save this, then you need to stop enabling his affair. It greatly hinders your odds of saving this and just makes you look very unattractive.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by yourlifeagain
Right now I don't know what would be effective with him, and its obvious that any major argument or "drama" with me would be the last straw for him.

In other words, you must tolerate his cruel, abusive treatment without complaint? That should be the "last straw" for you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Are you married? How long? Any children?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I've been married 4 years, no children. I'm 24 and he's 25, we were high school sweethearts/friends since age 14. He's had an EA for almost 3 years. Our marriage has been very very hard and we've had a lot of external attacks in all kinds of forms. I also realize now that even though I was trying, I did a lot of things wrong and was not meeting his emotional needs. He got so discouraged and just checked out. He doesn't act cruel to me at all; he's very nice and flirts all the time. I can tell he's definitely trying. In the past he's been quite resistant about ending contact with her, and for the first time in the last two months I see a decrease in contact, but I don't know how to take it or respond. If I do expose the affair, what else do I do of the options I listed? how do I act?

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Originally Posted by yourlifeagain
I've been married 4 years, no children. I'm 24 and he's 25, we were high school sweethearts/friends since age 14. He's had an EA for almost 3 years.

So he has had an affair almost the entire length of your marriage. There is not much here to save. I will be honest and tell you that he is not marriage material and likely will never work out.

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Our marriage has been very very hard and we've had a lot of external attacks in all kinds of forms. I also realize now that even though I was trying, I did a lot of things wrong and was not meeting his emotional needs. He got so discouraged and just checked out.

Yes, he checked out because he is having an affair. He has not been meeting your needs because he is not faithful.

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He doesn't act cruel to me at all; he's very nice and flirts all the time.

Having an affair is as cruel as it comes. It is as abusive as physical assault or rape. He is a very cruel person.

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I can tell he's definitely trying. In the past he's been quite resistant about ending contact with her, and for the first time in the last two months I see a decrease in contact, but I don't know how to take it or respond.

Continuing his affair is not "trying." Flirting is not "trying." But the biggest problem I see here is that you ENABLE him. Why do you think you would enable such poor behavior from your husband?

Do you understand that you are a very big part of the problem here? You are an adult woman and you are old enough to know better than this.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by yourlifeagain
II'm 24 and he's 25,

A 24 year old woman is old enough to know better. It is very immature to enable such poor behavior from your husband. This is not how a grown up, mature woman behaves. Is this the type of role modeling you received from your mother? Do your families know you are enabling your H's affair? And have been doing so for YEARS?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I'd appreciate some tenderness with your comments. I can say I honestly did not understand the situation until just a few months ago and had no idea about the level of seriousness. I did not realize this was an affair. Only just now has everything come to light since I discovered emails, did reading, and received some counsel. Call me naive, but its been a huge discovery for me.

I'd like you to know, MelodyLane, that I take your advice seriously and with a lot of consideration. Having said that, I need to know on what basis you make the claims you do. Some of them I see. One that is not clear to me is why you say he's not marriage material, and not faithful. While he has not been faithful for the majority of our marriage, I am cautious of anyone who appears to make a quick judgment. Please don't feel that I am resisting you, when I am actually just looking for a patient explanation.

Also, I am committed to not remaining in this situation, but I would like to take action in a way that gives him a chance to end the affair and return to me if he truly would like to. I ask my questions from this standpoint, and not one ready to quickly discard my marriage because of my suffering. My suffering is valid and he has done wrong, but I have done wrong too; my first aim is reconciliation, and if that cannot be done, then separation and divorce. I think its important that you know where I am coming from.

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Originally Posted by yourlifeagain
I'd like you to know, MelodyLane, that I take your advice seriously and with a lot of consideration. Having said that, I need to know on what basis you make the claims you do. Some of them I see. One that is not clear to me is why you say he's not marriage material, and not faithful. While he has not been faithful for the majority of our marriage, I am cautious of anyone who appears to make a quick judgment. Please don't feel that I am resisting you, when I am actually just looking for a patient explanation.

A man who is not faithful and who has not been faithful almost your entire marriage is obviously not marriage material. One does not have to be "quick to judge" or slow to judge to be able to recognize that. I am cautious of those who seem to use no judgement or poor judgment. I hope you do not fall into that category.

As such, there is not much here to save. You have no children with this man and a very lousy history. I hope you understand that you have a very tough road ahead of you if you decide to try. With a very short history, you really should ask yourself if it is worth it. And you should only try under certain conditions. If he won't make a radical change in his approach to marriage then you absolutely should separate from him.

Quote
Also, I am committed to not remaining in this situation, but I would like to take action in a way that gives him a chance to end the affair and return to me if he truly would like to.I ask my questions from this standpoint, and not one ready to quickly discard my marriage because of my suffering. My suffering is valid and he has done wrong, but I have done wrong too; my first aim is reconciliation, and if that cannot be done, then separation and divorce. I think its important that you know where I am coming from.

In that case, what would be recommended is that you first expose his affair using the techniques on my exposure thread. After it is widely exposed, you should give him a checklist of extraordinary precautions and demand that he end all contact for life with the OW. [I will post this check list next] These are non negotiable conditions that will protect you from another affair. Additionally, he would have to commit to a program of recovery that restores the romantic love in your marriage.

If he agrees to all of this, then you have a small chance. If not, then Dr Harley would recommend that you separate from him right away and ultimately divorce.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by yourlifeagain
He says he's "emotionally exhausted" and it seems very true; he's depressed in general about his life because of this situation, his health, and his job.

Lying and cheating is emotionally exhausting and he's been doing it for three years. I have a very hard time believing this affair isn't physical given it's been going on for 3 YEARS.

If you want to try and salvage your marriage, the first thing you need to do it expose. When did you discover his affair?

Welcome to MB


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
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From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by yourlifeagain
In the past he's been quite resistant about ending contact with her, and for the first time in the last two months I see a decrease in contact, but I don't know how to take it or respond.

You do not need to Plan A. You are past that point. You need to expose and prepare to separate if he will not commit to NC with his skank. You are spinning your wheels if he refuses to end his affair. A decrease in contact is still contact. He is not serious and is probably in a sexual affair with this OW.


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Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
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3 years!


Run.


Plan B until a recovery plan is in place. But he is likely hoping that you are a permanent enabler.

As a young woman you could easily fall in love with a faithful man and Plan B would heal you from such a lengthy period of abuse.

You must be swaying on your feet and ceased to be attractive or strong a long time ago. But you can be again.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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When I got here I read some of the love bank articles and applied them incorrectly as you are doing.

A legnthy Plan A is fantastic at winning back a wayward wife, but she would not be agreeable and fun or enjoy it as your husband does. She would be devoted to her lover and very hostile and resent her husband, but it would end her affair within two years as the love bank mounted. Most women can only love one man.

What you're doing doesn't work on men. They adore having the attention of two women and can split their life into two. Men have brains which can segment things. Giving yourself as a back up option actually props up his affair. He can flit between you both, avoiding problems, making you compete. He forgets everything but the one he is with, hence the no talking rule. That probably applies to her too.

This would go on forever until you had a nervous breakdown.

It's too hard on women. Dr H recommends a 3 weeks limit on Plan A for women to prevent serious physical and mental health repercussions. When did you last eat or sleep like a normal person?

After three years of such incredibly cruel abuse from an unfaithful husband, your marital recovery (should you ever get there) would take many more years than the average three to five to complete. As soon as you feel safe in his commitment there will be three years of resentment to get through for starters. Most women only suffer this a few weeks.

Had you entered Plan B years ago you would have secured yourself against health problems, against mounting resentment and you would have forced his inadequately satisfying affair to stand alone under the gaze of disapproving exposure targets. By this point, you would be the one deciding if you wanted to undertake recovery. You would be so healed, you would probably say no.


I think you know he is likely not ever going to agree to everything on the checklist. Cheating so soon into the marriage implies that he thinks it is OK. He thinks the commitment will hold you and he may always make you compete for love.

But if there is any hope for him, it is to be found within Plan B.


Please have yourself STD tested. He has been with her for three years and they have quite obviously had sex many times and cheaters don't use protection. The fact you don't know this tells me you haven't had any spy measures put in place at all.

Expose the affair after reading the thread in MLs signature and then we can help you prepare for Plan B.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by yourlifeagain
but I have done wrong too;


We are sure you've heard all about that.

But unless you've had two affairs and made him watch, your wrongs pale in comparison to his.

He should be on blended knee in gratitude that he gets the CHANCE to do that checklist. Not talking about your faults - for heaven's sake! No excuse.

Having an affair because you're not happy is like axe murdering some one for giving you a papercut.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Ahh - I see you've only known a few months, not the duration of the A.

That's still quite long enough! Proceed with exposure and Plan B.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by yourlifeagain
I'd appreciate some tenderness with your comments.

You have to be cruel to be kind sometimes. Your WH is the one being cruel and you are in for a lot of heartbreak if you continue on in this manner.

ML is completely correct in what she has said to you. There is nothing to save here. Sorry frown


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Originally Posted by yourlifeagain
I'd like you to know, MelodyLane, that I take your advice seriously and with a lot of consideration. Having said that, I need to know on what basis you make the claims you do. Some of them I see. One that is not clear to me is why you say he's not marriage material, and not faithful. While he has not been faithful for the majority of our marriage, I am cautious of anyone who appears to make a quick judgment.

Dr Harley has said a short marriage with no kids and one of the spouses are cheating he does not have a lot of hope for.

First of all, for your WH to wander so early in the marriage says A LOT about him, period. There is no way around this. Conflicts and problems in marriage typically arise after the children come.

Secondly, recovery is HARD work, for you both. Your WH would need to change his lifestyle/boundaries. A long good marital history and children is often a good motivation for both spouses to get through recovery. That is lacking here.

You are still very young. Be glad you found this out about your WH early vs later. You do NOT want to have children with this man. I cannot emphasize that enough.


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
SusieQ #2855361 05/25/15 11:56 AM
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X 2

Cut your losses.


BW - me
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2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
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Have you read the Surviving An Affair book yet? I was just re-reading it this morning and I wish I would have absorbed more at the stage you're in and followed it a bit closer.

The ending the affair section is really good... if he has any contact it's going to fire up again. And not talking to you about it/answering questions is another bad sign, unfortunately. My husband had an emotional affair and couldn't let it go and now he's off in his own apartment and they've had sex/are dating... I'm trying to survive the "natural death process" that will be coming up but its rough.

So I am doing Plan B and I cut off communication with my husband as well.

The addiction to the mistress is hard when they are depressed. My husband had the same like midlife crisis issues. It's such a drug for them...

Sorry about your situation. Hang in there!!

Last edited by BrokenHeartedNV; 05/25/15 02:08 PM.
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