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Who is the OW? Is she married?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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OW is a 23 year old single girl who has been sexually abused her whole life and suicidal....he was abused too so they have a special connection. He calls her the sister he never had.

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Yeah it's always that girl. Pro victim.

Hugs to you my dear.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

indiegirl #2855417 05/25/15 04:57 PM
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Thanks so much. I'm suffering quite a bit. I don't know how anyone survives.

indiegirl #2855418 05/25/15 04:57 PM
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As far as practical actions go you don't need to decide about the marriage.

You still need exposure - it gets you healing support as well as tackling the affair.

You also need to protect yourself from the abuse of contact - getting an IM and changing contact details aka Plan B.

I ended up divorcing but as Dr H promised, Plan B makes it hurt less.

So as far as following the plans go it's the same. Heal yourself first, decide later.

The plans keep all options open.


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by yourlifeagain
Thanks so much. I'm suffering quite a bit. I don't know how anyone survives.


It does not last forever. I was on the floor howling myself not long ago and these days I am very happy. Stick around.

Please take care of yourself. Eat bites of easy things to keep down (bananas, nuts). Nap if you can't actually sleep.

Exposure should be done asap. Read MLs exposure thread in her signature. Then we can get you quickly into a Plan B.


Last edited by indiegirl; 05/25/15 05:01 PM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by yourlifeagain
. He calls her the sister he never had.


puke



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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You do not need to Plan A. You are past that point.

I am unsure of this, because i feel like I didn't do plan A very well, and part of the time I was trying to do the 180 (do you know what that is?), which is like the opposite of Plan A. I feel like Plan A maybe didnt get a fair shot. I went in between being cold, angry, distant, happy, close, loving, crowding, emotional, nagging, silent, and everything else, but in a clustered way...I didn't know how to handle this at first. Also, i don't know if of all the things I tried, that i did any of them long enough or consistently enough. To make things more complicated, part of the time I was essentially doing half of the 180, and half of "filling his love bank" at once, due to what he's told me and what I've read of his needs. He feels both crowded by me and ignored by me. Like, wow. what to do, huh. so for the areas he felt one way i did one thing, and vice-versa.




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Black_Raven - About a day or so after he first met this girl he told me about her and they became friends, largely in front of me and at work (he met her at work, but neither works there anymore). But, the point is, I didn't understand how heightened and important it was for a while. And then when I started to feel uncomfortable, I thought I was in the wrong. I REALLY did. I thought there was something wrong with me, and I tried so hard to change the way I felt about it. It wasn't until about October of last year that I started to actually accept that it wasn't me, it was them. This was HUGE for me. Sorry if I'm stupid as hell, but its the truth. And now I know. Doubt i'll make that mistake again...

Brokenhearted - no, I haven't read Surviving An Affair...I've read "Love must be Tough," and I am starting "Not just friends."

On a different note, can anyone give me advice about spyware? He uses google cromes incognito browsing almost exclusively on an android phone.


indiegirl #2855445 05/25/15 09:15 PM
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Originally Posted by indiegirl
As far as practical actions go you don't need to decide about the marriage.


So as far as following the plans go it's the same. Heal yourself first, decide later.

The plans keep all options open.

What did you mean by this? Sorry, I don't fully understand.

Also, in reference to your earlier statement, I uncovered 7 months worth of emails by accident back in february, and there was NOTHING in them about sex or anything physical. Does this mean something? I found a ton of alarming (very alarming) gushing from her, and almost nothing from him on those lines. He told her like twice that he missed her, that was it. Most of the emails were from her, and were by far the longest from her. does this mean that they're not having sex? Does this mean that he's not into her the same way she's into him? several emails where she gushed to him he didnt respond even when she asked for one from him.

anyway, no I've been having chest pains, nausea and poor sleep for the last 6+months, and have been hurt almost the whole time since it started. But the good news is, tonight two friends offered me a place to stay! That made me feel better than i thought it would. Now I just need to figure out how to get out of our apartment lease if he refuses to pay for it. we have a joint bank account.

Last edited by yourlifeagain; 05/25/15 09:18 PM.
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Originally Posted by yourlifeagain
Black_Raven - About a day or so after he first met this girl he told me about her and they became friends, largely in front of me and at work (he met her at work, but neither works there anymore). But, the point is, I didn't understand how heightened and important it was for a while. And then when I started to feel uncomfortable, I thought I was in the wrong. I REALLY did. I thought there was something wrong with me, and I tried so hard to change the way I felt about it. It wasn't until about October of last year that I started to actually accept that it wasn't me, it was them. This was HUGE for me. Sorry if I'm stupid as hell, but its the truth. And now I know. Doubt i'll make that mistake again...

You are not stupid. Society in general supports the notion that opposite sex friendships in marriage are perfectly acceptable, and a spouse that does not go along with this arrangement is 'insecure' or has jealousy or trust issues.

I always tell my kids to trust their instinct. Jealousy is just that, an instinct. It is a natural reaction to a threat to your marriage. You SHOULD have felt uncomfortable with that, and that is obvious now of course. Because she was a threat to your marriage from day 1.

Now when I hear someone refer to a woman as 'secure' or 'confident' because they are OK with their spouse having OS friendships, I respond 'a secure confident woman can just as easily (more actually!) be the victim of infidelity, one does not deter the other.' Which of course is true, and we see it on here all the time.

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Originally Posted by yourlifeagain
Brokenhearted - no, I haven't read Surviving An Affair...I've read "Love must be Tough," and I am starting "Not just friends."

I would suggest putting down all other books for now and focusing on SAA. It is a blueprint to how to survive infidelity, written by Dr Harley who has specialized in this area for over 40 years. You CAN NOT find a better book to read right now in your life.

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Originally Posted by yourlifeagain
Originally Posted by indiegirl
As far as practical actions go you don't need to decide about the marriage.


So as far as following the plans go it's the same. Heal yourself first, decide later.

The plans keep all options open.

What did you mean by this? Sorry, I don't fully understand.

What I think Indie is trying to say, is that many posters are telling you that there is not much to save in your marriage. Even if you disagree with that, you don't have to make that decision right now, today. The steps to follow for an affair are the same at this juncture. You expose the affair, demand your husband end his affair and commit to a plan of recovery, if he is unwilling enter a dark separation (Plan B) providing him with the opportunity to work on the marriage once he has fully ended his affair and is willing to meet your requirements for recovery. AT ANY MOMENT in this plan, now, in the middle of Plan B, even in the middle of recovery if that should happen, if you choose to divorce, you can. Nobody would ever fault you for divorcing in this situation. You should just put one foot in front of the other right now and work the plan.

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Originally Posted by yourlifeagain
Also, in reference to your earlier statement, I uncovered 7 months worth of emails by accident back in february, and there was NOTHING in them about sex or anything physical. Does this mean something? I found a ton of alarming (very alarming) gushing from her, and almost nothing from him on those lines. He told her like twice that he missed her, that was it. Most of the emails were from her, and were by far the longest from her. does this mean that they're not having sex? Does this mean that he's not into her the same way she's into him? several emails where she gushed to him he didnt respond even when she asked for one from him.

This doesn't mean anything. It is unlikely to say the least, that he has carried on an affair with her for this long, and is willing to throw away a marriage, just because she is into him and he is not into her...wouldn't you say? That just doesn't make sense.

Either way, the plan remains the same.

unwritten #2855462 05/26/15 05:18 AM
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Originally Posted by yourlifeagain
Quote
You do not need to Plan A. You are past that point.

I am unsure of this, because i feel like I didn't do plan A very well, and part of the time I was trying to do the 180 (do you know what that is?), which is like the opposite of Plan A. I feel like Plan A maybe didnt get a fair shot. I went in between being cold, angry, distant, happy, close, loving, crowding, emotional, nagging, silent, and everything else, but in a clustered way...I didn't know how to handle this at first. Also, i don't know if of all the things I tried, that i did any of them long enough or consistently enough. To make things more complicated, part of the time I was essentially doing half of the 180, and half of "filling his love bank" at once, due to what he's told me and what I've read of his needs. He feels both crowded by me and ignored by me. Like, wow. what to do, huh. so for the areas he felt one way i did one thing, and vice-versa.


You don't need to Plan A well. That's more for men. Besides I can tell you have done enough because he is cake eating and wants to spend time with you. I would just make sure his last memory of you is attractive and strong. At this point it means saying no more cake eating with a Plan B letter.

There is no way to be successful with a cake eating man. You've done well. Too well and are making yourself ill.




Originally Posted by yourlifeagain
Black_Raven - About a day or so after he first met this girl he told me about her and they became friends, largely in front of me and at work (he met her at work, but neither works there anymore). But, the point is, I didn't understand how heightened and important it was for a while. And then when I started to feel uncomfortable, I thought I was in the wrong. I REALLY did. I thought there was something wrong with me, and I tried so hard to change the way I felt about it. It wasn't until about October of last year that I started to actually accept that it wasn't me, it was them. This was HUGE for me. Sorry if I'm stupid as hell, but its the truth. And now I know. Doubt i'll make that mistake again...


We've all been there done that.

Originally Posted by yourlifeagain
anyway, no I've been having chest pains, nausea and poor sleep for the last 6+months, and have been hurt almost the whole time since it started. But the good news is, tonight two friends offered me a place to stay! That made me feel better than i thought it would. Now I just need to figure out how to get out of our apartment lease if he refuses to pay for it. we have a joint bank account.


You need to get into Plan B quickly. You will achieve nothing in your grave. I'm quite serious, I've been here just a few years and already know someone who died young of heart problems, Dr H is quite right.

Please stop messing around with those affair books you mentioned. There are very few people who understand the science and psychology of affairs like Dr H. I've never seen him make a mistake about this stuff.

Originally Posted by unwritten
What I think Indie is trying to say, is that many posters are telling you that there is not much to save in your marriage. Even if you disagree with that, you don't have to make that decision right now, today. The steps to follow for an affair are the same at this juncture. You expose the affair, demand your husband end his affair and commit to a plan of recovery, if he is unwilling enter a dark separation (Plan B) providing him with the opportunity to work on the marriage once he has fully ended his affair and is willing to meet your requirements for recovery. AT ANY MOMENT in this plan, now, in the middle of Plan B, even in the middle of recovery if that should happen, if you choose to divorce, you can. Nobody would ever fault you for divorcing in this situation. You should just put one foot in front of the other right now and work the plan.



Exactly.

I think plan b is urgently needed, you can expose from within Plan B.




What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

indiegirl #2855463 05/26/15 05:25 AM
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http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787

This thread tells you how to Plan B correctly.


Plan B completely healed my pain. You don't actually need him for that. After a few weeks withdrawal the intense pain ebbs. Just a few months in I realized I had a whole world of men out there to choose from. By the time WH showed up on my doorstep I wasn't interested. Plan B gives the power back to you.

If he is serious about the marriage he can end Plan B at any time - commit to full recovery - and it stops you from propping up the affair.

Right now he is enjoying having his cake and eating it too. That always continues until the BW becomes unattractively haggard or hospitalized.



Last edited by indiegirl; 05/26/15 05:30 AM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

indiegirl #2855466 05/26/15 05:34 AM
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YLA, there is an amazing woman underneath all this pain. Remember her? Do you think it's time we looked after her and stopped her running around after a pair of dummies hopped up on their affair like crackheads?



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by yourlifeagain
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You do not need to Plan A. You are past that point.

I am unsure of this, because i feel like I didn't do plan A very well, and part of the time I was trying to do the 180 (do you know what that is?), which is like the opposite of Plan A. I feel like Plan A maybe didnt get a fair shot.

I would agree with your assessment that you have not done a good Plan A, for 2 reasons: you have not exposed and you have been in contact with him too long. Plan A is 2 parts, exposure and telling your husband you will meet his needs in the future if he ends his affair.

I would expose this affair and give him an opportunity to end his affair immediately, with full accountability. If he won't do that, you should go into Plan B right away.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Mel, she has chest pains and physical symptoms of the stress, should she go into Plan B first rather than remaining in Plan A to face him down during exposure?

I know you've advised someone to expose from within Plan B in the past (for different reasons though) or do you think she can handle him in the angry stage?


What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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