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My wife and I have been together for eighteen years total, and married for the last fifteen. We have always had what I would consider to be a strong (but not perfect) marriage. We both lead a very full and active life together, and have no children.

About a month ago, my wife met a man at a social function ("Ed") who is an acquaintance of another very good mutual friend. At the time, I had noticed that Ed and my wife had hit it off, and they appeared to be having quite a bit of fun at the event. Typically, I am not a jealous person, mainly because I trust my wife very thoroughly, so it did not bother me at the time. She has had other close platonic male friends, and because they have never left any doubt about their intentions, I've always been comfortable with them. I don't like to hover or smother, and I've always believed that my wife also likes things that way. Ed lives several hours from our home, so it is not like he would ever be a frequent visitor - well, at least not in person.

Over the course of the next three weeks or so, I began to notice that my wife and Ed had begun texting each other very frequently. By frequently, I mean every day, all throughout the day, and sometimes on the order of dozens or even hundreds of exchanged texts. My wife has always been an honest person, sometimes brutally so. When I asked her about what was going on, she explained that she had developed strong feelings for Ed, but was now conflicted, because the feelings that she had for him had become stronger than her feelings for me. She openly admitted that what she was doing could most likely be considered an emotional affair, and by her own standards, inappropriate behavior - but that she did not have any idea how to stop doing it. At the same time, she stated that she still loves me and would trust me much more in a relationship than she would trust him. From what I have heard about Ed, he is divorced, lives alone, and has a history of pursuing other women who are either married or otherwise unavailable. In fact, he is supposedly trying to end a different five-year-long affair with another married woman who has been pursuing him, but refuses to commit to him (and he frequently asks my wife for advice about how to handle those matters). My wife has also stated that she is not physically attracted to most men (something that she has told me throughout our marriage), and that she is not sure whether that would ever be the case with Ed, but she seems to doubt it. What I have read about emotional affairs tells me that most EAs will become PAs, if they are allowed to continue, so while I want to believe what my wife is telling me, I'm not sure that I can. I do not snoop on her texts without her knowledge - we have always had the same passwords on our email and Facebook accounts, so theoretically, either one of us could "check up" on the other at any time. However, it has gotten to the point where my wife has become clearly self-conscious about the frequency of texting between her an Ed. She keeps her phone in her purse most of the time, and doesn't usually keep it out in the open without having turned it off completely. She doesn't seem to be very comfortable having me hold on to her phone when her hands are full or she is occupied, presumably because a text from Ed could arrive at any time. She tells me that she does this mainly because "she does not want to upset me". My wife has gone so far as to bring a charging cord with her when we go out to a restaurant or bar, if her battery level is low when we leave the house (she never used to do this). She has told me that Ed occasionally says things to her that "cross the line", such as declaring his love for her, and telling her that he will "wait forever" to be with her. She admitted to having shared intimate details of our own life together with him, and I also know for a fact that he has made derogatory statements to her about me (despite having told both of us that he is only interested in being a good friend to both of us, and would support any efforts that we make to strengthen our marriage). Needless to say, all of that comes across as totally disingenuous to me now - and, one of the most painful aspects of the situation is that my wife says nothing to defend me when Ed puts me down. As much as she claims to not want to hurt my feelings, it almost seems as though she is more concerned about protecting Ed's. My impression is that my wife is not in love with Ed - she is only in love with his words, and whatever persona he has portrayed to her in three weeks of his nearly non-stop texts. She eats those words like candy, and it almost seems like he is seen by her as a hero who can do no wrong. She is falling for words on a screen. They have only spent actual time together for a couple of hours at the social event where they met a month ago. I have tried to explain to her that anyone could say these things to her over and over again in constant text messages, from the safety of a four-hour distance, without every really meaning any of them. For her, it seems to be more about the quantity of communication right now, rather than the quality. I feel worthless and insignificant.

My wife and I have very recently initiated marriage counseling, and she has told me that whe wants very much to makes things work out. My belief is that our marriage needs to come first, before everything else - and I've always thought that she has been on the same page about that - but she does not want to give up her friendship with Ed, nor is she convinced that it should be necessary for her to do so. She maintains this crazy, Utopian notion that, somehow, the three of us could get past all of this together and grow to share a great friendship - or, as she puts it, "I don't want to lose either one of you" - but, under the circumstances, I don't know if that would even be possible. I have asked her to imagine that the situation were reversed, and if she would be able to handle the presence of a female who was playing the same role in my life as Ed is presently playing in hers - and she has stated that she would not stand for it. Ed has also told her that, if the two of them were in a relationship, he would guard her very carefully and watch her like a hawk, to the point that no other man could even get anywhere near her. So, there is clearly a double standard at play here - and I am the only one who is being expected to suck it up for the same behavior that nobody else would be willing to tolerate. At times, it looks and feels almost like my wife is addicted to Ed. At our first counseling session, the therapist strongly recommended to my wife that she put her communications with Ed on a hiatus for at least two weeks. That lasted about a day or so. She admitted to me shortly thereafter that she simply could not stop texting him, and has continued to communicate with him ever since.

To some degree, I can understand why my wife feels the way that she does. I have suffered from depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember, and have managed things on my own via counseling and medication. Unfortunately, the particular medicine that I had been prescribed for many years had the undesired effect of muting my personality and libido to a great degree. My wife (who has also received extensive counseling through the years, for problems of her own) would often tell me that she has felt neglected and alone, despite the fact that we have been virtually inseparable for almost our entire time together, and that too many things have been distracting me. I agree that this had been the case at times - but I also think that she is exaggerating the situation. There has to be some reason why she had chosen to remain with me for eighteen years. Even at my worst, I still have had many great qualities as a husband and friend that oftentimes feel have been minimized or overlooked. I've been steady, dependable, loyal and faithful, a solid provider, and a very good lover (and my wife will readily acknowledge all of these things to me). Fortunately, I have changed doctors and switched to a new drug regimen that has allowed me to improve my own self and boost my personality to an even greater degree. In short, I'm a work in progress, but still a great catch even now, and always have been. And, deep down, I believe that my wife is sincere about her depth of feelings for me - but she says that it is hard for her now because she does not feel the level of passion and emotional connection that she wants to have with me. Still, I'm struggling to understand how that could have driven her to establish an emotional connection with another man while still remaining married to me - nor am I convinced that anything she does is my "fault", or that my issues justify her behavior. At the end of the day, isn't this a choice that she made with her own volition? Am I unreasonable for feeling that a marriage is something that comes before anything else (including outside friendships, if need be), and that when two people make a vow to one another, they should expect to encounter obstacles along the way, and always work together to fix things, no matter how long it takes or how much effort is required? I've never been a fan of having to give things up in a relationship; we aren't here to control one another - but, in this case, I don't see how my wife and I could ever stand a chance of getting anywhere in our marriage, unless she makes a total, unmitigated, clean break from Ed. And, unless she also agrees about the importance of doing so, feeling forced to make such a decision would only cause her to resent me.

If you have read this far, I thank you (it's a long piece - I apologize for that). Obviously, there is still a lot at stake here, and I'm not ready to give up - not even close. I truly believe that my wife is being totally sincere when she tells me about what is happening, and that her desire is to come to a resolution as soon as we can. I consider her candor throughout this to be a positive thing, as she has chosen not to hide everything from me. But, I am also eager to hear any opinions on the matter, and welcome any words of advice or encouragement. I could certainly use them right about now.

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Welcome to MB.

You do not understand how addictive affairs are. Your wife is addicted to her OM just like a drug addict is addicted to their drug of choice. You need to fight for your marriage and protect your wife like she is becoming an addict. This means you do not enable her or make it easy for her to shoot up, which is what you are currently doing.

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Originally Posted by twelvexman
Ed has also told her that, if the two of them were in a relationship, he would guard her very carefully and watch her like a hawk, to the point that no other man could even get anywhere near her.

This is attractive to women. Ed is telling her, 'if you were my woman I would protect you from preying scumbags, I would protect you from destroying you life, I would not just sit back and watch you do it.' You may see this as some weak form of jealousy, I can tell you that most women see it as chivalry and protection. What you are doing now is showing her that you do not care about her.

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Originally Posted by twelvexman
About a month ago, my wife met a man at a social function ("Ed") who is an acquaintance of another very good mutual friend. At the time, I had noticed that Ed and my wife had hit it off, and they appeared to be having quite a bit of fun at the event. Typically, I am not a jealous person, mainly because I trust my wife very thoroughly, so it did not bother me at the time. She has had other close platonic male friends, and because they have never left any doubt about their intentions, I've always been comfortable with them. I don't like to hover or smother, and I've always believed that my wife also likes things that way. Ed lives several hours from our home, so it is not like he would ever be a frequent visitor - well, at least not in person.

I know it is commonplace in society to encourage this unconditional trusting attitude, and this theory that being jealous or protective is somehow weak or insecure. But jealousy is a natural instinct. It is an instinct that one gets when there is a threat. You should be jealous and protective of your wife, when there is a threat to her or your marriage.

Marriages should be integrated. If you want freedom and independence, than remain single. Married couples should be integrated and share the details of their lives. This is not 'hovering' or 'smothering' this is instead a relationship with intimacy and extraordinary care.

There also should be no secrets. No secret passwords or email accounts, etc. The only reason to have secrecy is because you have something to hide. Clearly, your wife DOES have something to hide, an affair.

You are seeing the affects of your faulty theory that married people should have the freedom to have OS friendships and have secrets from each other.

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Also, affairs start when one person fills the needs of another person. MANY opposite sex friendships where there were 'good intentions' turned into affairs, because the friends filled each others needs and therefore fell in love.

Just because all of your wifes past OS friends were open with their intentions, did not in any way shape or form make your marriage safe from an affair.

OS friendships are a threat to marriage. Again, you are finding this out first hand.

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Originally Posted by twelvexman
From what I have heard about Ed, he is divorced, lives alone, and has a history of pursuing other women who are either married or otherwise unavailable. In fact, he is supposedly trying to end a different five-year-long affair with another married woman who has been pursuing him, but refuses to commit to him (and he frequently asks my wife for advice about how to handle those matters).

This guy sounds like a scumbag who preys on neglected married women. You need to protect your wife and run this guy off.

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Originally Posted by twelvexman
My wife and I have very recently initiated marriage counseling, and she has told me that whe wants very much to makes things work out. My belief is that our marriage needs to come first, before everything else - and I've always thought that she has been on the same page about that - but she does not want to give up her friendship with Ed, nor is she convinced that it should be necessary for her to do so. At our first counseling session, the therapist strongly recommended to my wife that she put her communications with Ed on a hiatus for at least two weeks. That lasted about a day or so. She admitted to me shortly thereafter that she simply could not stop texting him, and has continued to communicate with him ever since.

You need to ditch the marriage counseling. Most traditional marriage counselors have no idea how to recover a marriage from an affair. CLEARLY this counselor is one of them.

Marriage counselors in general do not understand the addictive nature of an affair. Putting her contact with OM on 'hiatus' is ridiculous, your wife herself stated that she cannot stop texting him (because she is addicted). To end her affair she would need to end *all contact for life.* Getting this kind of marriage wrecking counseling advice is only going to make things worse, not better.

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The first thing you should do is read the Exposure 101 thread and prepare to expose this affair far and wide. This is a KEY element to ending an affair/addiction.

Exposure is not something you ask or share with your wife, it is something you plan and do on your own without her knowledge.

Affairs thrive on secrecy, once they are exposed they often crumble, especially a short lived emotional affair. Destroying the affair is the first step you need to take to protect your wife and your marriage.

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It's sort of good that your Wife has been so open with you, but it's also VERY troubling that she sees that you are NOT doing everything in your power to protect your and her marriage, especially while the POSOM brags about how he would.

Which person "Seems" like they are showing her more care and protection?

Read the 1st Sticky thread and all of the links.

Learn how to bust up this affair.

The longer you delay, the more entrenched it will become.

Someone will soon post the Checklist about how to end an affair and the EP's that will be required.

BUT..... The actions MUST be done by You.

There is NO bargaining with hern. Bring the exposure hammer down and solicit friends and family to bond together to protect your marriage.

Don't Delay.

LTL

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Originally Posted by twelvexman
I've never been a fan of having to give things up in a relationship; we aren't here to control one another - but, in this case, I don't see how my wife and I could ever stand a chance of getting anywhere in our marriage, unless she makes a total, unmitigated, clean break from Ed. And, unless she also agrees about the importance of doing so, feeling forced to make such a decision would only cause her to resent me.

Hi Tman, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. You are about to lose your wife to this man because she is deeply in love and deeply addicted to him. You and your wife have left your front door wide open for this type of event because of your belief that it is ok to "trust" each other to have opposite sex friendships. If you look around this forum, Surviving an Affair, you will see thousands upon thousands of other couples who experienced affairs becauae of this belief. This is how all affairs happen. Your marriage was an affair waiting to happen. It was just a matter of time and that day has arrived.

But you have a chance to save this if you will follow these steps and change your paradigm about affairs and marriage in general. The first big shift that has to happen is your concern about her "resentment" if you demand that she end her affair. Her "resentment" is not the risk here. The risk is YOUR RESENTMENT. And the longer you allow this to go on, the worse it will be. Her resentment will fade once the source of her addiction is gone and the fog clears away. Yours will take much, much longer and may not ever happen if you are not diligent.

You must understand your wife's mindset right now. She has the same mindset as a falling down drunk. When her affair ends, the fog will fade and she will appreacite you if you fight for your marriage. If you are complacent, that will be interpreted as a lack of caring. The point I am getting to, is that you need to stop worrying about "resentment" and start fighting for your marriage if you want to stay married.

That means you need to do everything in your power to run this dirtbag OFF. OM who exploit married women are dirtbags and cowards as a rule. It usually does not take much to run them off. Their affair is in the early stages, so you have a small window of opportunity to kill this affair if you will take it. But every passing day, that opportunity gets smaller and smaller because the longer you allow this to go on, the more entrenched the affair. The more entrenched the affair, the harder it will be to bust it up.

If you want to save this, go read the Exposure 101 thread in my signature. We can help you kill the affair. And once it is killed, we will help you create a fantastic, affair proofed marriage.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by twelvexman
I truly believe that my wife is being totally sincere when she tells me about what is happening, and that her desire is to come to a resolution as soon as we can. I consider her candor throughout this to be a positive thing, as she has chosen not to hide everything from me. But, I am also eager to hear any opinions on the matter, and welcome any words of advice or encouragement. I could certainly use them right about now.

Your wife is playing you and it is not a positive thing.

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From what I have heard about Ed, he is divorced, lives alone, and has a history of pursuing other women who are either married or otherwise unavailable. In fact, he is supposedly trying to end a different five-year-long affair with another married woman who has been pursuing him, but refuses to commit to him (and he frequently asks my wife for advice about how to handle those matters).

Scumbag Ed is playing your wife and it is not a positive thing. Your wife thinks she is his life coach helping him end his 5 yr affair crazy She is addicted to him like a crackhead. Lots of psychobabble going on here.

Ed is a flaming POS. If you want to salvage your marriage you need to run this loser off. Expose the affair [and what a scumbag he is given his other affair(s)] and confront him. You are spinning your wheels until this guy is out of the picture.

Welcome to MB


BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011




Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Originally Posted by twelvexman
At our first counseling session, the therapist strongly recommended to my wife that she put her communications with Ed on a hiatus for at least two weeks. That lasted about a day or so. She admitted to me shortly thereafter that she simply could not stop texting him, and has continued to communicate with him ever since.

Unfortunately, most marriage counselors have no earthly idea how to save marriages. Your wife can't stop because she is hopelessly addicted. Can you imagine a substance abuse counselor telling a crack head to "put the crack on hiatus for 2 weeks?" That would be reckless advice that would not work.

Exposure is your best weapon and let me explain why. Affairs thrive on secrecy. They are fantasy relationships that crumble when reality is shown in. Exposure has the effect of bringing in a crowd of onlookers to watch the crack heads get high. It is no fun to get stoned when your family and friends are watching. Seeing yourself through the horrified eyes of others is a huge wake up call. IT takes all the fun out of being a crack head when everyone is watching!

Your counselor is probably not educated in infidelity and can be expected to give destructive advice that will be very hard to overcome. For example, when your fogged out wife suggests that she wants to have you both, what if the counselor agrees? The counselor will have validated your wife's crazy thinking and it will make it all that much harder to save your marriage. We have to deal with the reckless advice from marriage counselors on this forum all the time.

Don't do that to your marriage. The advice we are giving you comes from Dr. Bill Harley, clinical psychologist and author of Survivng an Affair. It is the very best plan out there. Many of us here have saved our marriages using these tactics. And just about every saved marriage on this forum attributes it to exposure.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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TXM,

You wrote, Ed has also told her that, if the two of them were in a relationship, he would guard her very carefully and watch her like a hawk, to the point that no other man could even get anywhere near her. So, there is clearly a double standard at play here

This is textbook OM create an imaginary and perfect world for your WW to occupy at some future date. Overstate his achievements, run down his past romances as inferior to the one he has with your WW, and especially run you the BH down.

My guess is that he is a narcissistic user, please save your WW from this low life.

Also find out who else the OM has had affairs with and inform the BHs' they can do some of the butt kicking for you.

Gamma

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Thanks to everyone who has replied so thoughtfully (and quickly). Just to respond to a few comments...


Originally Posted by twelvexman
At our first counseling session, the therapist strongly recommended to my wife that she put her communications with Ed on a hiatus for at least two weeks.

I probably should have clarified this - we have only had one counseling session so far, and it was mostly about personal history and information gathering. The texting thing did not really come out until near the end of the visit. I'm not sure how vividly it came across, but I don't think there will be any room for doubts left at our second session. Even so, the therapist initially recommended an indefinite hiatus based on what she did hear. It was softened to two weeks only after my wife objected to it (and forever has to start with two weeks, anyway). Bear in mind that I am still trying to figure out the best way to deal with things, and I'm still learning about what is the best approach to take. I've already learned a lot here today!


Originally Posted by unwritten
Originally Posted by twelvexman
Marriages should be integrated. If you want freedom and independence, than remain single. Married couples should be integrated and share the details of their lives. This is not 'hovering' or 'smothering' this is instead a relationship with intimacy and extraordinary care.

There also should be no secrets. No secret passwords or email accounts, etc. The only reason to have secrecy is because you have something to hide. Clearly, your wife DOES have something to hide, an affair.

You are seeing the affects of your faulty theory that married people should have the freedom to have OS friendships and have secrets from each other.

Here's the thing: She's not really hiding her affair from me at all, since shortly after it began. As far as I can tell, she has told me exactly what she has been feeling all along - and we have always shared all of our passwords, etc. That has not changed. I really don't think that she is sugarcoating anything. I'm not sure if that should make things easier or harder for me to handle, but I'm assuming that such transparency is the exception, rather than the rule. She has also told me numerous times that she is committed to making our marriage work. That is probably why I have been hesitant to be a total hard-a$$ about the situation (although, now, I'm seeing that this might still not be the best way for me to approach it).

As for OS friendships, my wife doesn't have a lot of friends, in general - but she does not have any close female friends to speak of. She has always told me that, historically, she does not really like women and has always found it much easier to get along with men, from a platonic friendship perspective. In eighteen years, this has never presented a single problem in our relationship, until now. Is the idea here that men and women simply cannot safely have platonic opposite-sex friendships when they are married, no way, no how?


Originally Posted by unwritten
Also, affairs start when one person fills the needs of another person. MANY opposite sex friendships where there were 'good intentions' turned into affairs, because the friends filled each others needs and therefore fell in love.

I think that is definitely related to what happened here - but I refuse to believe that this situation is my fault, or that I forced her into this. She could have handled the situation in other ways that didn't involve infidelity. At the end of the day, I can't "make" her do anything. She has to own whatever she does. And, as her husband, I think I deserve a passing shot at working things out in our marriage, at the very least.

Originally Posted by unwritten
Originally Posted by twelvexman
Ed has also told her that, if the two of them were in a relationship, he would guard her very carefully and watch her like a hawk, to the point that no other man could even get anywhere near her.

This is attractive to women. Ed is telling her, 'if you were my woman I would protect you from preying scumbags, I would protect you from destroying you life, I would not just sit back and watch you do it.' You may see this as some weak form of jealousy, I can tell you that most women see it as chivalry and protection. What you are doing now is showing her that you do not care about her.

That approach has been already been recommended to me. In fact, it was one of the things that we did touch on in our first therapy session, and it was the counselor who suggested to me that my way of handling the situation could be appearing as weak or indifferent to my wife. The fact is that I have tried asserting myself several times, but the usual result is that my wife becomes enraged and threatens to leave, claiming that "she can't take the pressure anymore". Given the severity of the situation and what I have read here, I suppose that I should expect that sort of a reaction, but I really don't want her to leave, and I had always assumed that if she were to leave, she would just make a beeline for Ed. That seems counterintuitive to what I'm trying to do, but I guess that's a good question to ask here - do you think that is what would happen if she actually left? Or not? Should I just not care about how she reacts in the event that such a thing occurs?

I'm going to honestly consider everything that I have read here so far. There is a lot for me to digest. The support and advice is most definitely appreciated.

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Originally Posted by twelvexman
[/quote]
As far as I can tell, she has told me exactly what she has been feeling all along - and we have always shared all of our passwords, etc. That has not changed. I really don't think that she is sugarcoating anything. I'm not sure if that should make things easier or harder for me to handle, but I'm assuming that such transparency is the exception, rather than the rule

Just wanted to point out that she is not being transparent. She is hiding her phone from you. Your wife is not the exception, she is the rule. And lets just say she included you in each and every one of her love messages to her boyfriend, it doesn't make the affair any less destructive. IT doesn't make her any less a cheater. Being honest about being bad does not negate the bad act.

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She has also told me numerous times that she is committed to making our marriage work. That is probably why I have been hesitant to be a total hard-a$$ about the situation (although, now, I'm seeing that this might still not be the best way for me to approach it).

And many falling down drunks "promise" to get sober. They say this all the time to placate their spouse or get him off her back. But you can't go by the words of an addict. You must go by her actions. The biggest mistake betrayed spouses make is they don't understand that an addict will say anything to protect his addiction. That is your wife's goal. Her goal is not your marriage, it is her affair. Look at her actions, not her words.

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As for OS friendships, my wife doesn't have a lot of friends, in general - but she does not have any close female friends to speak of. She has always told me that, historically, she does not really like women and has always found it much easier to get along with men, from a platonic friendship perspective. In eighteen years, this has never presented a single problem in our relationship, until now. Is the idea here that men and women simply cannot safely have platonic opposite-sex friendships when they are married, no way, no how?

Do you see the result of her opposite sex friendship? IT was just a matter of time and now that time has come.

A man played chicken every day for 18 years and finally got hit by a car. Would you conclude that playing chicken was dangerous or would you defend it by saying you didn't get hit for 18 years?


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I think that is definitely related to what happened here - but I refuse to believe that this situation is my fault, or that I forced her into this. She could have handled the situation in other ways that didn't involve infidelity. At the end of the day, I can't "make" her do anything. She has to own whatever she does. And, as her husband, I think I deserve a passing shot at working things out in our marriage, at the very least.

I so agree it is not your fault. You might have a passing shot if you take action. IF you won't take action, I have no hope for your situation. I say that as someone who has been here for 14 years and seen it all.

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Originally Posted by twelvexman
That approach has been already been recommended to me. In fact, it was one of the things that we did touch on in our first therapy session, and it was the counselor who suggested to me that my way of handling the situation could be appearing as weak or indifferent to my wife. The fact is that I have tried asserting myself several times, but the usual result is that my wife becomes enraged and threatens to leave, claiming that "she can't take the pressure anymore". Given the severity of the situation and what I have read here, I suppose that I should expect that sort of a reaction, but I really don't want her to leave, and I had always assumed that if she were to leave, she would just make a beeline for Ed. That seems counterintuitive to what I'm trying to do, but I guess that's a good question to ask here - do you think that is what would happen if she actually left? Or not? Should I just not care about how she reacts in the event that such a thing occurs?

I would suggest you are not asserting yourself effectively. We can show you how to assert yourself in a more strategic, effective way. Your way was not effective because it inflicted no damage on the affair. What happens 99% of the time is the affair crumbles once it is exposed and the BS [betrayed spouse] demands the affair end. Almost all WS's threaten to leave if you interfere with the affair. What you are doing is fueling the affair by keeping it a secret.

And lets say she did get angry enough to move out and move in with OM [very unlikely]. The affair would fall apart much faster because there are so many problems. 95% of affairs crumble within 2 years becuase the very traits that made them possible, deceit, selfishness and thoughtlessness make their way into the affair. Just ask yourself what kind of man has an affair with a married woman? A scumbag, thats who. He is just using her and will toss her aside at the first sign of trouble.

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I'm going to honestly consider everything that I have read here so far. There is a lot for me to digest. The support and advice is most definitely appreciated.

I hope that you do. The advice we have given you is a tried and true process that has saved many marriages here. IT is hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler. I hope you rethink that path.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by twelvexman
The fact is that I have tried asserting myself several times, but the usual result is that my wife becomes enraged and threatens to leave, claiming that "she can't take the pressure anymore".

Just think about this for a minute. If your wife wanted to leave, she would leave. She is telling you this in order to scare you into submission; to scare you off from interfering with her affair. And it has worked. If she truly wanted to leave, she would do that.

Interference with her affair is her greatest fear. You shouldn't allow it to become your greatest fear.

If she did leave, her life would be devastated, wrecked. Especially if she went to the OM. If she went to the OM, the affair would be quickly ruined and she would be ostracized by her family and his. She is unlikely to do that, though.

Last edited by MelodyLane; 05/26/15 06:49 PM.

"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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A hiatus for two whole weeks, huh? What a strong stance to take against adultery! This is why counsellors are ineffective. It they stood their ground against angry waywards and their browbeaten spouses they couldn't pay the rent.

It's imperative that you do though. An affair is an addiction that people cannot be counselled or coaxed out of. She is going to get angry back when you insist. That's OK, you're going to keep your cool, be steady and tell her You have a say in the arrangement.

The alternative is being the guy who is OK with being in a triangle. Would you want that? Someone who doesn't care about you being faithful? So unjealous it's uncaring?

That's not you, so stop acting like it. On some level, the non addicted part, she judges you for it.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by twelvexman
Ed has also told her that, if the two of them were in a relationship, he would guard her very carefully and watch her like a hawk, to the point that no other man could even get anywhere near her. So, there is clearly a double standard at play here - and I am the only one who is being expected to suck it up for the same behavior that nobody else would be willing to tolerate. .


You need to stop being the sucker, because this man is a professional vulture. He doesn't care about your wife but he knows how to APPEAR protecting and caring while he gets into her pants.

Please put aside shallow concerns of how you will look jealous, or ruin her fun and sort this out. Your first step should be to expose the affair far and wide. Do you have his details so you can expose him?


Have you read the exposure thread in Melody Lanes signature?



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
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Exposure is your best weapon and let me explain why. Affairs thrive on secrecy. They are fantasy relationships that crumble when reality is shown in. Exposure has the effect of bringing in a crowd of onlookers to watch the crack heads get high. It is no fun to get stoned when your family and friends are watching. Seeing yourself through the horrified eyes of others is a huge wake up call. IT takes all the fun out of being a crack head when everyone is watching! .



It would be easy to run him off this way, he considers her meat and not worth much trouble. It would also open her eyes a lot and get rid of the 'everyone is friends' and painful ideas she has.

It has to be strong enough so she realizes she can never contact him again. It will need weeks of withdrawal and you must then make it impossible for him to reappear after he dumps her.



What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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You put a frog in a pot of boiling water and it's going to immediately jump out. But if you put a frog in a pot of cool water and slowly turn up the heat the frog will complacately sit their until it's too late.


You've been sitting in cool water and the heat is rising. And how do you know your wife's other OS friends weren't more then friends?

Jump out of the pot and set up an exposure. Exposure is your wake up too.


BW 58
WH 61
married 35 years
2 adult children
2 grandchildren

"Love anything and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one...It will not be broken, it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable...The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from dangers and perturbations of love is Hell" c.s. lewis
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