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Joined: Nov 2011
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Originally Posted by twelvexman
Thanks to everyone who has replied so thoughtfully (and quickly). Just to respond to a few comments...


Originally Posted by twelvexman
At our first counseling session, the therapist strongly recommended to my wife that she put her communications with Ed on a hiatus for at least two weeks.

I probably should have clarified this - we have only had one counseling session so far, and it was mostly about personal history and information gathering. The texting thing did not really come out until near the end of the visit. I'm not sure how vividly it came across, but I don't think there will be any room for doubts left at our second session. Even so, the therapist initially recommended an indefinite hiatus based on what she did hear. It was softened to two weeks only after my wife objected to it (and forever has to start with two weeks, anyway). Bear in mind that I am still trying to figure out the best way to deal with things, and I'm still learning about what is the best approach to take. I've already learned a lot here today!


Originally Posted by unwritten
Originally Posted by twelvexman
Marriages should be integrated. If you want freedom and independence, than remain single. Married couples should be integrated and share the details of their lives. This is not 'hovering' or 'smothering' this is instead a relationship with intimacy and extraordinary care.

There also should be no secrets. No secret passwords or email accounts, etc. The only reason to have secrecy is because you have something to hide. Clearly, your wife DOES have something to hide, an affair.

You are seeing the affects of your faulty theory that married people should have the freedom to have OS friendships and have secrets from each other.

Here's the thing: She's not really hiding her affair from me at all, since shortly after it began. As far as I can tell, she has told me exactly what she has been feeling all along - and we have always shared all of our passwords, etc. That has not changed. I really don't think that she is sugarcoating anything. I'm not sure if that should make things easier or harder for me to handle, but I'm assuming that such transparency is the exception, rather than the rule. She has also told me numerous times that she is committed to making our marriage work. That is probably why I have been hesitant to be a total hard-a$$ about the situation (although, now, I'm seeing that this might still not be the best way for me to approach it).

As for OS friendships, my wife doesn't have a lot of friends, in general - but she does not have any close female friends to speak of. She has always told me that, historically, she does not really like women and has always found it much easier to get along with men, from a platonic friendship perspective. In eighteen years, this has never presented a single problem in our relationship, until now. Is the idea here that men and women simply cannot safely have platonic opposite-sex friendships when they are married, no way, no how?


Originally Posted by unwritten
Also, affairs start when one person fills the needs of another person. MANY opposite sex friendships where there were 'good intentions' turned into affairs, because the friends filled each others needs and therefore fell in love.

I think that is definitely related to what happened here - but I refuse to believe that this situation is my fault, or that I forced her into this. She could have handled the situation in other ways that didn't involve infidelity. At the end of the day, I can't "make" her do anything. She has to own whatever she does. And, as her husband, I think I deserve a passing shot at working things out in our marriage, at the very least.

Originally Posted by unwritten
Originally Posted by twelvexman
Ed has also told her that, if the two of them were in a relationship, he would guard her very carefully and watch her like a hawk, to the point that no other man could even get anywhere near her.

This is attractive to women. Ed is telling her, 'if you were my woman I would protect you from preying scumbags, I would protect you from destroying you life, I would not just sit back and watch you do it.' You may see this as some weak form of jealousy, I can tell you that most women see it as chivalry and protection. What you are doing now is showing her that you do not care about her.

That approach has been already been recommended to me. In fact, it was one of the things that we did touch on in our first therapy session, and it was the counselor who suggested to me that my way of handling the situation could be appearing as weak or indifferent to my wife. The fact is that I have tried asserting myself several times, but the usual result is that my wife becomes enraged and threatens to leave, claiming that "she can't take the pressure anymore". Given the severity of the situation and what I have read here, I suppose that I should expect that sort of a reaction, but I really don't want her to leave, and I had always assumed that if she were to leave, she would just make a beeline for Ed. That seems counterintuitive to what I'm trying to do, but I guess that's a good question to ask here - do you think that is what would happen if she actually left? Or not? Should I just not care about how she reacts in the event that such a thing occurs?

I'm going to honestly consider everything that I have read here so far. There is a lot for me to digest. The support and advice is most definitely appreciated.

One thing you need to understand in life is that you cant control others.
Youre trying to manipulate her into staying by agreeing not to expose her affair.
Appeasement with an addict NEVER works.
You need to expose this affair and bring it into the light of day.

Joined: Jun 2011
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Your situation reminds me a great deal of wifedivorcing's. His wife had been of formerly good character but was targeted by a serial cheat who had been a playah for years. She was done and had filed for a D but WD did such a stellar Plan A and never quailed once when she hit him with wayward fury. He kept going like the terminator.

The more angry exposure makes them, the better your chances.


Originally Posted by wifedivorcing
I just sent out FB IM and called my father law,� He said he was going to call her.� Wife is calling my phone and sent this text,

"you crazy mother f****...you better not come home..

how do I handle this

Originally Posted by wifedivorcing
She called me screaming and yelling at me that there will never be a chance and not to come home, she said she hates me and she will never forgive me, she was screaming at the top of her lungs, I have never heard her act like this, she continued to yell, I just told her that I did this to save our marriage. I never yelled etc.. she was furious she told me not to come home and i'm harrasing her etc.. what do I do now, WOW


Originally Posted by wifedivorcing
Now she told me that I'm not sleeping in the bed with her. I politely told her I will be sleeping in the bed. She said no. She then told me she F hated me. She stated why do I have to sleep somewhere else, she said she had to sleep somewhere else all weekend. I told her that you made that choice, you didn't have to , she said yes I did , I didn't want to be around you, She flipped me off. She even told me that I'm delusional.

She spilled something in the kitchen, the rice I made and I hear a huge slam, She damn near knocked the frig through the wall. I try to help she tells me to get the F away from her, She is crying uncontrollably, I give some tissue she slaps it com my hand and states I hate you, I want you out of here. I go back into the living room while she throws her tantrum. She comes over to me saying I hate ,I hate you, she then hits me in the head twice. I told her to stop hitting me. She said go ahead call the cops, I don't care if I go to jail. She went into the sunroom slamming the doors. I went to the bedroom.

Is this going to be a long night. I've seen drug addicts going through withdraws and my wife seems like she is 10 times worse. God help me. I need some advice here...


Originally Posted by wifedivorcing
She ask me if I believe it was right for telling everyone are business, I told her this. I had no reason hiding your affair and I didn't believe that is the right thing to do hide it. She did talk alot and was waiting for my response. She was like well. I simply said I was just listening to you, I like to listen to you talk. It frustrated her. She then went on about how no one is going to like her anymore. I just said our whole lives don't get judged by one mistake, but as long as we do the right thing together to fix them. I gave her some money to get herself a pedicure and manicure, she asked me what color and I told her get her favorite color blue on her toes and pink on her fingers..she then left a little upset, because I wont budge.



Originally Posted by wifedivorcing
My wife is going to stop the divorce Monday, she has agreed to the no contact letter for life. She is looking for another job. She told me she now knows why men and women can't be friends and how important no contact is. She said the affair is over with. He did try calling her last night she showed me. She has agreed to be transparent, open and honest. I told this is not an overnight process.

My wife told me she was so glad I never gave up on her and that I fought for her. She said she never stopped loving me and she wanted to come home.

The affair was started by OM asking my WW out for drinks . When they went out she said she had her rings on.

I'm so glad I exposed this affair. Thank you MB friends.



Originally Posted by wifedivorcing
my wife has been showing me a lot of remorse and telling me she is sorry, crying in my arms. She has been giving me a ton of emotional needs. She has told me several times on how she is so glad I fought for her and how I never gave up on her. She has told me the man I have become is amazing and she said she is scared still and wants me like this forever. I understand her feelings.�

someone had told me here on MB that your wife will not remember any of the stuff she had told me. I had said something to her she told me during the fog and she said I never said that. I just ok. It kind of made me laugh inside.

He achieved this in a MONTH. After they threw everything at him and even had him committed. He just kept going.

Your counsellor can't take this sort of no nonsense approach - and if she did it wouldn't matter to your wife. You are the one who loves her aren't you?

It needs to be you doing this, outside of an office, with your wife not knowing what to expect. But being won over in spite of herself.

These academic conversations with the counsellor are pretty cute, but they are also pretty useless. Dr H would have counselled you alone, knowing she is beyond reason and knowing she will disrupt any attempt on your part to win her back unless she gets to keep the affair too.

OMs other affair has lasted FIVE years without interference! He knows what he is doing.

Don't be like the guy who sat there doing nothing for two years and THEN called Dr H asking if it was too late to expose.

Dr H said it was hopeless at this point - two years being an enabler and proving to your wife you're too timid to protect her? How do you come back from that?






Last edited by indiegirl; 05/27/15 07:34 AM.

What would you do if you were not afraid?

"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.

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