No, I mean, he knew her number. She didnt change it.
There is nothing I could have done differently

Serial cheaters are not your "typical" cheater. Recovering from any affair is difficult. Recovery with a serial cheater is even more difficult and there is more to resent. Personally, I would never try to recover with a serial cheater. The price is too high for the BS IMO.

I divorced my serial cheating husband and I am very happy I did. Everyone has to make his/her own decisions but I am very happy to no longer be married to a man who never learned anything a***EDIT*** about his marriage, his wife or his children. He knew what he stood to lose and he didn't care.

You should still expose the affairs so you can have family support and don't feel like you have to hold your tongue. Being truthful is always better. Sorry for your pain.

Welcome to MB

PM,

You wrote, Side question: is exposure worth it if you're not trying to save the marriage?

In one of Dr Harleys radio shows he mentioned how one of the benefits of exposure is that it provides support for the betrayed spouse, as opposed to keeping quiet and suffering in silence. Do you have the contact info. For these various OW your WH is in contact with?

You should not have to maintain this horrible secret for your WH, you have no obligation to lie for him.

Gamma

He doesn't and that he walked out on his family re-enforces that. You should expose and prepare for Plan B and even D. Speak to an attorney so you understand your rights. Your WS will either come at you with anger or pity parties to manipulate you.

Thanks for the quick replies guys. You know how hard it is to post and then have to wait... 😏

I've already started sending out my exposure note:
I'm dropping you a note to let you know that Travis left the kids and I last night after confessing to at least two affairs.
One seems to have been a few months long. (A LXXX from Denver, whom he apparently went to high school with), the other, lasting several years with XXX XXX
I am unsure who else he might have been dating though would not be surprised to find there are many others.

Obviously the kids and I are pretty devastated having learned that our family wasnt as happy as we'd thought. 😔
We need the support and prayers.


So far, I've sent it to his family, mine, mutual friends and church family.

And I'm calling my lawyer as soon as I finish this post.

You don't mention OWH. What happened to him?

Are you exposing both OW? It's a good idea to run them off away from your children.

If you are filing, make it a feature of visitation that he cannot bring them around members of the OS.

Could you tell us what happened last night? Did he walk out, out of the blue, telling you about his affairs on the way out, or did you discover the information by yourself? How do you know about the burner phone?

What did he say about where he was going, and why? Is he planning a life with OW? Do you know whether she's left her H? Do they have kids?

Did he tell you where he would be living?

Has he said anything about supporting you and the kids? Have you checked your bank account to see whether he has withdrawn money? Have you transferred any money to a separate account?

Your exposure letter mentions 2 women, but this first post of yours suggest that there were more than 2. What do you know about the number of women? Do you know who they are (apart form the two named in the exposure letter)?

How did you send your letter - by email, or by Facebook?

SugarCane makes a great point about checking on the money.

You should move funds straight away in any case, but if he was planning a confession and walkout (rather than getting caught) you will have to be very quick indeed.

Please don't minimize adultery by calling it dating. I know your exposure message was rushed but going forward call it cheating, affairs, etc.

You said there were other women in addition to the EA/PA with your former friend so there is at least three affairs here.

When you some time, please answer Sugar_Cane's questions.

The solution to this is that, after this happened 5 years ago, his life would have been so open and transparent, and your marriage so integrated, that he could not have conducted an affair without your knowing about it. After all, as this was a physical affair, he had to have met her sometimes, as well as calling her on that phone.

Where and when did he meet her? Does he travel in his job? Does she? Did they take the day of work and go to a hotel? Does OW live near your home?

My H's affair continued over and over, through many D Days, and what made it possible was that we never changed the conditions that made the affair possible - his travelling job, and then later when he gave up travelling, the EA part of the affair was facilitated by a desk-based job with the same organisation, after I did not expose and ask for their help. Had I done that, he might have been sacked - which would have been the best thing for me - but more likely, he would have had his calls and emails monitored, and faced a disciplinary procedure. (They didn't work together, but she was a client of his organisation, and he used his private office space, and the company landline, mobile phone and email, to keep in contact several times a day. He must have wasted hundreds of thousands in pounds of work time (when he was not doing his work), and in international phone calls, which were long, hot and steamy.)

The only cure for that was for him to give up work altogether, by accepting early retirement, and by not having a mobile phone or portable PC.

It's not easy, but extraordinary precautions are called extraordinary for a reason.

I am sorry you are back and in such a painful situation.

You can recover with a serial cheater under certain circumstances. That he is hat in hand and fully committed to a recovery plan of your choice (MB) and that you make it absolutely impossible for him to ever cheat again (through the methods already posted to you).

It does not sound like he is hat in hand or remorseful at all. There is no way for a woman to recover with a man with that attitude, even from a single affair much less years of affairs.

I wouldn't send out any more copies of that exact letter. I think it could do with rewriting. I would draft it here first, and get feedback, before sending any more copies. You should read the Exposure 101 thread pinned at the top of this forum. It shows that different letters should be sent to his and your sides, from those sent to her side, and a different one again if you need to do a workplace exposure. You can leave out the part that asks for help in supporting your marriage if you are sure you are done, but I think those 101 letters are better templates.

(I also think that you need to get the grammar correct in a written communication: "Travis left the kids and me", not "the kids and I". The skanky whore will read those messages, and you do not want to give her anything to laugh at.)

Have you spoken to his parents (as opposed to writing to them)? I think you should, and also, speak in person to OWH. Do not send messages or leave voicemail messages, unless you know his mobile number. Voicemail to a landline can be easily intercepted, and speaking as a BS, this isn't the kind of message I would want to get by FB. You can send a FB message or an email saying that you need to speak to him urgently. Try sending an email to his work email address, so that the message is not easily seen by his wife.

Have you told your children about the affair?

From my reading of your old threads in 2010 you were told to:
~ expose YOURSELF to OWH (he had been exposed to by the waywards and seemed to think the "EA" was "no big deal".

~ still had same contact info (same phone number and email) and "blocking" was being used which we told you was not adequate

~ Your WH was still on FB.

I see that I personally told you that these couple of things alone would keep your WH foggy and triggered.

As far as I can see you were in disagreement with that advice and then stopped posting on those threads.

If you were to recover with your WH, you would probably have to move away from the OW, in addition to properly exposing this time and setting up EPs so that a SSL and cheating would be IMPOSSIBLE for your WH.

One of the things you have to consider before deciding between 'personal recovery' and 'marital recovery' is how far you want to be responsible for your spouse.

I just get a very strong sense from you PM, and correct me if I'm wrong, that you want your husband to do the heavy lifting, the hard work; to protect you from a false recovery. That is totally MB and not an unreasonable expectation at all. If it's someone who has never had an affair.

However if he is going to be the main person holding himself accountable, just don't try recovery. Accept he needs a babysitter and since that's not cool with you, decide he's history and just move on.

Both this thread and your last one are peppered with references to HIS driving the recovery bus. The WS should never be the one to do exposures, or to decide what they do about Facebook or their contact details. Everything you referred to doing was 'us' and 'we' and 'I agree with DH'. Those calls were non negotiable. They were yours to make and enforce. Even now instead of insisting on what your recovery standards are going to be, you talk about how he won't do it right this minute. Who cares? Those are your standards to put forward and insist on. If you don't want to do that, you don't want to do recovery.

Its why I didn't recover myself. I don't want to watch someone's weak side either. He had you convinced that in his situation, he wasn't really addicted and could decide to stop and not contact her. He could live within reach of her/spend nights away from you (whichever one made the PA possible) and still keep himself on track. That's not how affairs work. They are lifelong addictions.


If you need your husband to take the lead, have complete self control and make you feel safe and protected, recovery is quite possibly not for you. Sure lots of WHs are hat in hand and do whatever it takes to make their BWs feel safe - but that tends to mean agreeing to her having a very tight hold on where he is and what he's doing.

PM, when you expose, be sure and include the OW's full name.

merging threads.

Really, I just wondered how likely it was that a serial cheat would ever recover.

No one has given a testimony of one that has. (Well other than early retirement, which would be hard at 40 in the States) So, I guess I call an attorney tomorrow.

Do you have any evidence that he is a serial cheat though? It sounds like there's only his confession to go on, and we shouldn't break the golden rule of never believing a word that a wayward spouse says.

Doesn't add up. A serial cheat is only interested in casual hookups and attention. He doesn't fall in love and therefore wouldn't dream of leaving his family. This guy has left after a very long running affair for love or for pressure from OW.

A serial cheats SSL remains secret. He wouldn't want even a hint of it to get out. They would never admit it.

There's a chance he views her as easier to cheat on, but he still wouldn't want her finding out about the other women - yet he's told you?

Thinking of the serial cheats ive known on these forums - they simply don't move out. Especially if they have a sweet deal where they are getting away with it and the BW is convinced they are in recovery.

No, she's told him what to say. You came close to embarrassing her last time and destroying her in the eyes of people she loves because you were fighting for your M. She only narrowly escaped exposure.

I have seen many occasions of WS admitting to many casual hook ups to protect their OP. If you don't care enough to fight, the OP is safe.

That is not always true Indie. My serial cheating ex was not like that and there have been other serial cheaters mentioned on the forum over the years that don't fit that mold either.