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Originally Posted by Rose12377
I don't know if he can get a new number, it's a phone his work provided. I did tell him about it a bit ago. Irritated me a bit because he had apparently gotten a text message from her yesterday and had left the phone in the car with me while he went in the store to see if I checked it. I didn't then, but perhaps I should of. He was testing me to see if I checked it!

He can change his # if he tells his employer what he has done and why he needs to change it. You need to pass that "test" and look at his phone EVERY DAY. Tell him you have a right to access everything about his life and will be checking EVERYTHING.

He is the one who needs to be "tested" here.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Rose12377
I don't know any of them or how to get in touch with them. She lives close to an hour away

Figure it out. Does she have a Facebook account? If so, you can expose using the Facebook exposure instructions on my exposure thread.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Rose12377
It's been exposed just to me and my cousin. I've looked for her on facebook, but I can't seem to find her. I'm still looking. I don't know her last name and she isn't on my husbands facebook friend list.

Get her full name, address and phone # from your husband. If he won't give you that, then you should plan to separate.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Rose12377
She's not married. She's single with two young kids.
How do you know that she is not married?

If you don't know her last name, you cannot know that. Nor can you know how far away from you that she lives.


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I think you know in your heart what is going on and I think you need to find out if his heart is fully dedicated to you. There are tons of ways to find out what he has been up to in terms of recovering deleted texts and google stores a ton of info so do some research and maybe do a little digging. We have one life to live and do you want to live it in this misery? You need to find out if he is giving you what you need. I know exactly how you feel TRUST me on that and I would not wish that on anyone (except the scum bag who took advantage in my situation....) I have been around a year and a half and it has been a tough struggle but I could not have made it to this point without knowing the truth and it took a lot of creative research on the net and a lot of digging. She did not make it easy on me believe me so every day you spend feeling horrible is a day less you could move on and be happy.

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I know her name now. I know where she lives and her number. He told me the truth about where she lived (an hour away) and the truth about her being single and having 2 kids. She's not married. He truly doesn't know how to uninstall the Kik app. He's very stupid with stuff like that, always has been. He said I could uninstall it but I haven't yet. And I haven't had either of us tell her it won't happen again (it was their first meeting). This is because I have learned that she is in the hospital with bacterial meningitis. Maybe I'm way too nice, but it just doesn't feel right to expose her when shes drugged up in pain in the hospital. I'll give it another week or two until she's home and then text her and delete the app.

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Originally Posted by Rose12377
I know her name now. I know where she lives and her number. He told me the truth about where she lived (an hour away) and the truth about her being single and having 2 kids. She's not married. He truly doesn't know how to uninstall the Kik app. He's very stupid with stuff like that, always has been. He said I could uninstall it but I haven't yet. And I haven't had either of us tell her it won't happen again (it was their first meeting). This is because I have learned that she is in the hospital with bacterial meningitis. Maybe I'm way too nice, but it just doesn't feel right to expose her when shes drugged up in pain in the hospital. I'll give it another week or two until she's home and then text her and delete the app.

You don't need to text her, your husband should write her a no contact letter. [I will post it below]

First off, how do you know she is single? And how do you know she is in the hospital?

Quote
Maybe I'm way too nice, but it just doesn't feel right to expose her when shes drugged up in pain in the hospital.

To WHOM will you be exposing?

it sounds to me like you are working Plan Rose. Do you want help with your marriage? It doesnt' sound like it. if you don't start taking the advice, we cannot help you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent.
here


[from SAA, pg 58]

OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.

Sincerely, XXXXX



"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by Rose12377
. He truly doesn't know how to uninstall the Kik app. He's very stupid with stuff like that, always has been. He said I could uninstall it but I haven't yet.

It should be uninstalled TODAY. It is dangerous to wait. Every minute it is on there, is another opportunity for them to contact each other. I would also put spyware on his phone that he doesn't know about. Some good ones are teensafe, flexispy.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by MelodyLane
Originally Posted by Rose12377
. He truly doesn't know how to uninstall the Kik app. He's very stupid with stuff like that, always has been. He said I could uninstall it but I haven't yet.

It should be uninstalled TODAY. It is dangerous to wait. Every minute it is on there, is another opportunity for them to contact each other. I would also put spyware on his phone that he doesn't know about. Some good ones are teensafe, flexispy.
He is not stupid; he is unmotivated. Anybody who can figure out how to use a smartphone to facilitate an affair is smart enough to take the extraordinary precautions to stop doing that. He can uninstall the app. He just doesn't want to. You are being gaslighted.


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He sent her a message saying it wouldn't happen again, it was wrong, he is with me, etc.....

Honestly he is clueless with stuff like that. I had to show him how to use the phone, he had it for months before he even learned how to use the internet on it and get the weather you tube and stuff. I've been with him for 20 years, computers and cell phones are not his thing. He's very smart, and could teach me a ton about solid works and excel, but when it comes to other tech/computer/cell stuff he is clueless. I've always been the one to purchase and set up our computers, and set up our phones, and setup/program tvs/vcrs/dvd, etc.
I honestly don't believe I'm being gaslighted here. When he gets home I will uninstall the app. I know her full name, address, number. He was never facebook friends, he hardly uses facebook. I know her facebook, I even checked out her mothers facebook page. I know she is in the hospital because my husband told me she texted him and said she was in the hospital with meningitis. I know thats a fact because I checked her mothers facebook page and she had the same info on it. She just went home on a portable IV. I'm trying to take your advice. He has answered any questions I've had. He had been texting/messaging her for a month. The first and only time they met was like a day or two before I found out about it. I had started to suspect something literally right before. If I would have checked him phone just a day or two sooner they would have never "met". I know that a month is how long they were texting because that is when he started having stomach problems (caused by guilt) and when he started getting distant. I also know because I took pictures of the mesages/texts and they all show that there was only that one "meeting" and one attempted but no show meeting. He also told me this before I showed him the pictures. I am trying to follow advice, honestly I am. I would love to put a spying thing on his phone, but the ones mentioned require money and that is very short at the moment. We just had to put groceries on our credit card. He has taken full responsibility for his actions and even when I said it was my fault because of lack of sex, too fat, too grumpy, etc, he said he is the one at fault and that I was fine and not to blame for this. Obviously we have and had some big issues (communication being the biggest), but he is the one who is to blame. Again, I want my marriage to work and I am trying to follow advice. I know you don't think so and I understand why but I know my husband. I knew right when this started (before I found out)that something wasn't "right". I sensed it then at the beginning, it just took me a month to figure it out. I'm trying.

Last edited by Rose12377; 07/06/15 11:10 AM.
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So where in all this did you actually follow our advice?

1. uninstall the app
2. send the OW a no contact letter
3. expose the affair to everyone

I am not sure what you are doing here if you refuse to follow the advice? What can we help you with?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Wow, I thought this forum was to help people?!? All you're doing is criticizing me and making me feel stupid. I'm TRYING to follow the advice!!!!!! Forgive me if I haven't been doing things instantly. I've been sick with a very bad cold/cough and so has my 4 year old. I'm uninstalling the app today after he gets home. The OW has already been sent a letter. Was I supposed to send my own because I'd really like to. I have one all typed. Should I send it? Expose the affair to everyone????? What, am I supposed to put it on a billboard in town????? I don't even know what this means. I'm not telling our parents. His mother would never shut up about it and probably blame me. His father would probably have a heart attack his heart is not good. They are VERY religious people. My mother would quite literally kill him. Literally kill him, she knows people. Absolutely NO good would come from telling a ton of people at all. Honestly, it would cause us to call it quits. We live in a smaller town and we are VERY private people. I am very painfully shy and very private and the thought of people knowing about this would quite honestly make me never leave the house at all. I would never be around anyone ever again including my very small amount of family. I honestly do not have one friend. He only has work acquaintances, not any friends he hangs out with. Thats why I started to suspect something wasn't right. Because he was going over to a co workers house more than once. (Once he actually did, the other was his "meeting" with the OW). We never go anywhere. Should I tell his grandmother who has Alzheimers and can't even remember who he is most of the time? I think this is probably a bad idea, my being here. You don't want to help me, just keep telling me I'm not following advice when I'm trying to. I'm surprised anyone gets any help here. I'd be surprised if any of you trying to "help" others on here were still actually married. I'm more stressed over trying to get help here than I am over my husband actually cheating on me. What does that say about your "help"?

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That was rude. People here are trying to help. It is frustrating to vounteer our time to help you and then have you attack us.

We are very focused because marital recovery after an affair is impossible unless Dr. Harley's plan is followed to the letter. You are confused by your emotions, understandably, so we are trying to keep u pu on track.

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Steps

1. Get evidence together to convince a jury. (Your pictures will be enough.)
2. Expose to all family and friends using the letter. This will bust up the fantasy aspect of the affair

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Don't wait until she is all better. She could be running around town and still be on home antibiotics for 6 weeks.

3. Plan A. Be the best spouse you can be but stand against the affair. Meet his needs and avoid lovebusters.

4. Read Dr. Harley's articles and q and a columns on affairs. Then on lovebusters, then emotional needs.

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I was rude???? I'm sorry, but I don't think I was rude. I'm the frustrated one here. I'm beginning to think this is some kind of weird cult. I am not confused by my emotions. I am thinking very clear right now. Again, I am the one being "attacked" here. I really appreciate all attempts to help here. That is why I am here - to get advice and save my marriage. But I really feel like I am the bad guy here, and I'm not.

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Originally Posted by Rose12377
I was rude???? I'm sorry, but I don't think I was rude. I'm the frustrated one here. I'm beginning to think this is some kind of weird cult. I am not confused by my emotions. I am thinking very clear right now. Again, I am the one being "attacked" here. I really appreciate all attempts to help here. That is why I am here - to get advice and save my marriage. But I really feel like I am the bad guy here, and I'm not.

Rose, I understand how you might feel that way. But understand that quite frankly you have no idea what you are doing. There is a proven plan of action available here that works every time it is tried. But if you attempt to deviate from it, it WILL backfire on you.


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Originally Posted by Rose12377
I was rude???? I'm sorry, but I don't think I was rude. I'm the frustrated one here. I'm beginning to think this is some kind of weird cult. I am not confused by my emotions. I am thinking very clear right now. Again, I am the one being "attacked" here. I really appreciate all attempts to help here. That is why I am here - to get advice and save my marriage. But I really feel like I am the bad guy here, and I'm not.

No one said you were the bad guy. But you said you want to save your marriage. We are giving you the steps. They must be followed exactly or you risk a false recovery. This is hard but anyone who has been through false recovery will tell you that is worse.

(Was "cult" meant to be complimentary?)

Take a breath. Then get your exposure list together.

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