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Joined: Jan 2010
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If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 789 Likes: 4
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Not everyone is addicted to affairs and repeats them. He met her ONCE. Some people realize that they made a huge mistake and would anything to take it back, and would never think about doing it again. I know this is a fact. People with poor boundaries have an affair. Knowing you will expose is an extra security he won't cheat again. Every situation is unique to every newby on this forum and yet the plan to fix this works for all. You can take your time and read all of Dr. Harley's articles and books and find out for yourself that all of it is the result of years of thorough research and then expose. Or you can take the shortcut and trust the advice of the oldbies on this forum to be correct and expose now. You, like the rest of us, will come to the conclusion that exposure is a valuable tool to stop the affair and also reduce the possibility of it ever happening again. Better do it as soon as possible. Kill it now, don't be sorry later you didn't expose directly. The sooner you expose, the sooner you can start recovery.
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Joined: Apr 2010
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A few weeks ago you would have said, he only talked about meeting her, they really did not do anything, it was only a stupid conversation and he would NEVER do such a thing, right?
He took the trouble to go meet her, to kiss her (which I presume was not in your marriage vows), to fondle her, should I go on?
Don't you think he knew all along that it was wrong?
A mistake is, when I drop my car keys. Sending the car keys to China per air mail is not a mistake, it is deliberate.
He knew the entire time it was wrong and it did not stop him. What has changed? Now he really knows that it was wrong? I am sure you would have known for a fact that he would not do such a thing or you wouldn't have married him.
We understand that your husband used to be a good man.
But he needs your help in staying away from temptation.
He needs accountibility.
Letting him off the hook easy, is not helping him stay on the narrow path.
me, DH
all the children
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Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433
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Not everyone is addicted to affairs and repeats them. He met her ONCE. Some people realize that they made a huge mistake and would anything to take it back, and would never think about doing it again. I know this is a fact. Your minimization of this infidelity is the single biggest risk factor to your marriage. Believing one possesses immunity causes one not to take the necessary extraordinary precautions that prevent recurrences. The difference between "not at all" and "once" is much greater than the difference between "once" and "many times". Your WH has exhibited all the necessary potential for this thing to run amok.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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Joined: Jun 2011
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Not everyone is addicted to affairs and repeats them. He met her ONCE. Some people realize that they made a huge mistake and would anything to take it back, and would never think about doing it again. I know this is a fact. Some people don't get addicted to the OW, such as men who constantly cruise for sex. These people could care less about the women involved they are just addicted to the thrill of random hook ups. Rose, he's been contacting her for over a month and will not stop contact with her even now, when his marriage is hanging by a thread. He drove to hook up with her knowing it could destroy his marriage - you don't think that's addiction? You'd have to be a psychopath to do this to your spouse without a compelling addiction. Ordinarily people in affairs start with things that won't harm the marriage by themselves - flirting or an os friendship. But when it ramps up into stronger feelings they lose control. One of the main reasons he is unwilling to end contact is lack of exposure. It's still a fun addiction until exposure. You also need the support. People are much kinder than you think and if they aren't it's time to discover who the true friends are. Look if you are OK with doing Plan Rose and risking another Dday that's up to you. You can still come back here to do it properly later on, if it's not too late, as so very many people do when they try to take the easy way. Unfortunately many of them are too late.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
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Not everyone is addicted to affairs and repeats them. He met her ONCE. Some people realize that they made a huge mistake and would anything to take it back, and would never think about doing it again. I know this is a fact. What is actually fact is: ~ Your H has demonstrated the ability to lie to your face and carry on a SSL (secret second life) ~ Your H has demonstrated the ability to engage in marriage wrecking IB (Independent Behavior), even at yours and your child's expense You can't escape those facts, Rose.
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Joined: Oct 2007
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Wow, I thought this forum was to help people?!? All you're doing is criticizing me and making me feel stupid. I'm TRYING to follow the advice!!!!!! Forgive me if I haven't been doing things instantly. I've been sick with a very bad cold/cough and so has my 4 year old. I'm uninstalling the app today after he gets home. The OW has already been sent a letter. Was I supposed to send my own because I'd really like to. I have one all typed. Should I send it? Expose the affair to everyone????? What, am I supposed to put it on a billboard in town????? I don't even know what this means. I'm not telling our parents. His mother would never shut up about it and probably blame me. His father would probably have a heart attack his heart is not good. They are VERY religious people. My mother would quite literally kill him. Literally kill him, she knows people. Absolutely NO good would come from telling a ton of people at all. Honestly, it would cause us to call it quits. We live in a smaller town and we are VERY private people. I am very painfully shy and very private and the thought of people knowing about this would quite honestly make me never leave the house at all. I would never be around anyone ever again including my very small amount of family. I honestly do not have one friend. He only has work acquaintances, not any friends he hangs out with. Thats why I started to suspect something wasn't right. Because he was going over to a co workers house more than once. (Once he actually did, the other was his "meeting" with the OW). We never go anywhere. Should I tell his grandmother who has Alzheimers and can't even remember who he is most of the time? I think this is probably a bad idea, my being here. You don't want to help me, just keep telling me I'm not following advice when I'm trying to. I'm surprised anyone gets any help here. I'd be surprised if any of you trying to "help" others on here were still actually married. I'm more stressed over trying to get help here than I am over my husband actually cheating on me. What does that say about your "help"? Look at it this way: We see the same patterns and things here on the forum OVER and OVER again. Your H and his affair were not special or any different than what we see here every day. People who want to sweep the affair and uncomfortable things like Just Compensation,v Extraordinary Precautions and EXPOSURE under the rug don't make it. Period. I have been here many years and I have never seen it. Not only do they not make it, they usually end up in a FR (false recovery), only to be BURNED again - enduring much more pain and suffering. It is much easier to pretend this whole thing was an "one-time" thing caused by having an "unhappy marriage" and just move on to the needs-meeting part of the program. That won't work! We don't yell at people to get off the train tracks because it's fun, Rose. It's because we've been in your place and we've seen it time and again here on the forum.
Last edited by SusieQ; 07/08/15 10:36 AM.
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Joined: Oct 2007
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Reposting for emphasis: The fact that he is too dumb to delete an app is a very telling sign - he is unmotivated. He could take it to anyone, a phone store, call customer support. Any local pre-teen can do it (heck I'll bet you 4 yo could figure it out).
Do you see the danger in a man who is not actually making an effort to prevent contact? He is doing minimal actions to get you off his back. I could buy the whole excuse of not being able to do something that is technologically complicated - I am challenged in that area myself. But he can't uninstall an app for heaven's sakes? Come on. I predict a WH not only who doesn't take steps to protect you or your M, but a WH who does not make efforts to fix your M by meeting your needs, avoiding lovebusters or setting aside adequate UA time.....despite his excuses that he strayed since he wasn't gettting his needs met in this marriage. This is typical for a lazy WS who can't even be bothered to implement a simple extraordiary precaution.
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Joined: Oct 2007
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Rose, you are going to have to set aside your own plan (Plan Enable Wayward Husband) and start listening to us. I predict that it will take getting BURNED again for you to start taking this program seriously.
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