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I just found out a little over 2 weeks ago that my husband cheated on me. We've been married for 16 years and together for 20. Have 3 kids. Apparently there hasn't been enough sex lately for him. He was texting/sexting this woman for about a month, starting right around our anniversary and around 2 1/2 weeks ago had sex with her. A woman he never met before. Anyway, we've been trying to work it out. I've been checking his phone to see if he's still texting her, but of course he knows how to delete texts. He has the Kik app on his phone still. I asked him the other day why he deleted a new kik friend request off it, but still kept the conversation between him and the other woman. He actually got mad at me for going into his Kik! Said he didn't delete it, he doesn't know how to delete anything on kik. Which could be true, he is very very horrible at phone and computer stuff. He said he hasn't heard from her since the day after they had sex. Well, curiosity got the best of me yesterday and I opened his kik app. There was a new message he hadn't read yet from her, it just said "Hey". Of course, its now marked as read so I don't know if he will see it. Do I confess that I checked his phone and that there is a message? Or do I wait a few days and see if there's anything else? See if he's still talking to her? He said he would tell me if he heard from her. But, if I checked it he wouldn't get the notification so he wouldn't know right? I'm kicking myself for opening the conversation up.
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Sorry you're here, Rose. You can only recover from this if your husband is willing to be transparent from now on. Secrets have no place in successful marriages. The following checklist needs to be implemented, or your marriage will be susceptible to another affair:
From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67
The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.
These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.
Checklist for How Affairs Should End
_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
Remarried 7/16
Thanks MB!
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Hi Rose, welcome to Marriage Builders. I would do more than "confess" you checked his phone. I would DEMAND that he get a new phone # and delete that app. He should eliminate every venue he used to contact this woman. You should have full access to absolutely everything.
Telling you about contact completely misses the point. The OW should not be ABLE to contact him. EVER. It is up to him to shut off all access and up to you to hold him accountable.
Have you contacted this woman's husband and family to tell them about the affair? I would do that immediately. Everyone should be told about the affair.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I don't know if he can get a new number, it's a phone his work provided. I did tell him about it a bit ago. Irritated me a bit because he had apparently gotten a text message from her yesterday and had left the phone in the car with me while he went in the store to see if I checked it. I didn't then, but perhaps I should of. He was testing me to see if I checked it! I never checked his texts because I know he knows how to delete them. He wasn't even aware that I checked his Kik app since he never did. I don't know what to think about that. He said he wasn't mad at me. I'm mad because he said he would tell me if she contacted him. Apparently she's in the hospital with meningitis!!! Now I'm scared. The kids and I have been sharing drinks with him. I'm not really sure what the symptoms of that are. He had a sore throat for a couple days, then has had a cough for almost 2 weeks. Now my 4 year old has a cough and a slight fever. It just gets worse and worse. After a bit has gone by I will demand that he delete the app. Right now I want to know whats going on with that woman so I can be sure my kids are going to be ok. Gosh, do I just observe them or take them in to the doctor?
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Are you prepared to follow the Marriage Builders plan?
Remarried 7/16
Thanks MB!
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This affair is still active.
Unless the affair has been exposed far and wide and all avenues of eliminated this OW poses an extreme danger to your marriage and your family.
You realize this, Rose, right??
Last edited by SusieQ; 06/29/15 01:29 PM.
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Yeah, I'm gonna print off that checklist
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He has the Kik app on his phone still. I asked him the other day why he deleted a new kik friend request off it, but still kept the conversation between him and the other woman. He actually got mad at me for going into his Kik! You are being gaslit, here. This is exactly how a person with a SSL (secret second life) behaves. Look at what Dr Harley says about it: One of the most common smoke-screens used by unfaithful spouses is to express shock that their spouse would be so distrusting as to ask questions about their secret second life. They try to make it seem as if such questions are an affront to their dignity, and a sign of incredible disrespect. They figure that the best defense is a good offense, and so they try to make their spouses feel guilty about asking too many questions. Think about it, why would your WH be upset if there was nothing to hide?
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Yeah, I'm gonna print off that checklist First things first: Who has this been exposed to?
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Have you contacted this woman's husband and family to tell them about the affair? I would do that immediately. Everyone should be told about the affair. Did you see this question??
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She's not married. She's single with two young kids.
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She has a family and some friends though. They should be informed.
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I don't know any of them or how to get in touch with them. She lives close to an hour away
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Rose:
Who has this been exposed to?
Please be specific. If it's no one, then tell us that.
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I don't know any of them or how to get in touch with them. She lives close to an hour away Can you look for her FB page? Copy and save her friend's list for safe keeping NOW. Today.
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Do NOT mention exposure or anything about MB to your WH right now, BTW.
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It's been exposed just to me and my cousin. I've looked for her on facebook, but I can't seem to find her. I'm still looking. I don't know her last name and she isn't on my husbands facebook friend list.
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It's been exposed just to me and my cousin. I've looked for her on facebook, but I can't seem to find her. I'm still looking. I don't know her last name and she isn't on my husbands facebook friend list. Exposure cannot be skipped. This affair is still ON and it is because you haven't exposed it yet. Read this ASAP: Exposure 101 Then come back and we can discuss your exposure plan.
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I would also get a GPS on your WH's car and spyware on his phone ASAP.
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Rose, this is very fixable but passivity and trying to "talk" the wayward out of the affair and convince him to do the right thing doesn't work.
I sent my sister here in 2009. She was very much like you, she was very "nice", wringing her hands and hoping that her WH would do the right thig on his own. I kept redirecting her to do what the forum (Thank you MelodyLane!) was advising her to do. She was able to kill the affair and save her marriage.
You are going to have to be proactive, follow each step and it's not going to be comfortable or easy. Being nice and passive doesn't work when dealing with affairs and waywards..
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I don't know if he can get a new number, it's a phone his work provided. I did tell him about it a bit ago. Irritated me a bit because he had apparently gotten a text message from her yesterday and had left the phone in the car with me while he went in the store to see if I checked it. I didn't then, but perhaps I should of. He was testing me to see if I checked it! He can change his # if he tells his employer what he has done and why he needs to change it. You need to pass that "test" and look at his phone EVERY DAY. Tell him you have a right to access everything about his life and will be checking EVERYTHING. He is the one who needs to be "tested" here.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I don't know any of them or how to get in touch with them. She lives close to an hour away Figure it out. Does she have a Facebook account? If so, you can expose using the Facebook exposure instructions on my exposure thread.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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It's been exposed just to me and my cousin. I've looked for her on facebook, but I can't seem to find her. I'm still looking. I don't know her last name and she isn't on my husbands facebook friend list. Get her full name, address and phone # from your husband. If he won't give you that, then you should plan to separate.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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She's not married. She's single with two young kids. How do you know that she is not married? If you don't know her last name, you cannot know that. Nor can you know how far away from you that she lives.
DDays - six months of them THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders. We never knew that it could be this good! 
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I think you know in your heart what is going on and I think you need to find out if his heart is fully dedicated to you. There are tons of ways to find out what he has been up to in terms of recovering deleted texts and google stores a ton of info so do some research and maybe do a little digging. We have one life to live and do you want to live it in this misery? You need to find out if he is giving you what you need. I know exactly how you feel TRUST me on that and I would not wish that on anyone (except the scum bag who took advantage in my situation....) I have been around a year and a half and it has been a tough struggle but I could not have made it to this point without knowing the truth and it took a lot of creative research on the net and a lot of digging. She did not make it easy on me believe me so every day you spend feeling horrible is a day less you could move on and be happy.
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I know her name now. I know where she lives and her number. He told me the truth about where she lived (an hour away) and the truth about her being single and having 2 kids. She's not married. He truly doesn't know how to uninstall the Kik app. He's very stupid with stuff like that, always has been. He said I could uninstall it but I haven't yet. And I haven't had either of us tell her it won't happen again (it was their first meeting). This is because I have learned that she is in the hospital with bacterial meningitis. Maybe I'm way too nice, but it just doesn't feel right to expose her when shes drugged up in pain in the hospital. I'll give it another week or two until she's home and then text her and delete the app.
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I know her name now. I know where she lives and her number. He told me the truth about where she lived (an hour away) and the truth about her being single and having 2 kids. She's not married. He truly doesn't know how to uninstall the Kik app. He's very stupid with stuff like that, always has been. He said I could uninstall it but I haven't yet. And I haven't had either of us tell her it won't happen again (it was their first meeting). This is because I have learned that she is in the hospital with bacterial meningitis. Maybe I'm way too nice, but it just doesn't feel right to expose her when shes drugged up in pain in the hospital. I'll give it another week or two until she's home and then text her and delete the app. You don't need to text her, your husband should write her a no contact letter. [I will post it below] First off, how do you know she is single? And how do you know she is in the hospital? Maybe I'm way too nice, but it just doesn't feel right to expose her when shes drugged up in pain in the hospital. To WHOM will you be exposing? it sounds to me like you are working Plan Rose. Do you want help with your marriage? It doesnt' sound like it. if you don't start taking the advice, we cannot help you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My advice is to write a final letter in a way that the victimized spouse would agree to send it. It should begin with a statement of how selfish it was to cause those they loved so much pain, and while marital reconciliation cannot completely repay the offense, it's the right thing to do. A statement should be made about how much the unfaithful spouse cares about his spouse and family, and for their protection, has decided to completely end the relationship with the lover. He or she has promised never to see or communicate with the lover again in life, and asks the lover to respect that promise. Nothing should be said about how much the lover will be missed. After the letter is written, the victimized spouse should read and approve it before it is sent. [from SAA, pg 58] OW, I want you to know that out of respect and love for my wife and children, I have come to realize that I must never see or talk to you again. My relationship with you was a cruel indulgence that BS did not deserve. While I cannot completely repay BS for the pain I caused her, I will do my best to become the husband she has been missing. I care a great deal for my family and I would not want to do anything to risk their happiness. I will not make any further contact with you and I do not want you to make any contact with me. Please respect my desire to end our relationship.
Sincerely, XXXXX
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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] . He truly doesn't know how to uninstall the Kik app. He's very stupid with stuff like that, always has been. He said I could uninstall it but I haven't yet. It should be uninstalled TODAY. It is dangerous to wait. Every minute it is on there, is another opportunity for them to contact each other. I would also put spyware on his phone that he doesn't know about. Some good ones are teensafe, flexispy.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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. He truly doesn't know how to uninstall the Kik app. He's very stupid with stuff like that, always has been. He said I could uninstall it but I haven't yet. It should be uninstalled TODAY. It is dangerous to wait. Every minute it is on there, is another opportunity for them to contact each other. I would also put spyware on his phone that he doesn't know about. Some good ones are teensafe, flexispy. He is not stupid; he is unmotivated. Anybody who can figure out how to use a smartphone to facilitate an affair is smart enough to take the extraordinary precautions to stop doing that. He can uninstall the app. He just doesn't want to. You are being gaslighted.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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He sent her a message saying it wouldn't happen again, it was wrong, he is with me, etc.....
Honestly he is clueless with stuff like that. I had to show him how to use the phone, he had it for months before he even learned how to use the internet on it and get the weather you tube and stuff. I've been with him for 20 years, computers and cell phones are not his thing. He's very smart, and could teach me a ton about solid works and excel, but when it comes to other tech/computer/cell stuff he is clueless. I've always been the one to purchase and set up our computers, and set up our phones, and setup/program tvs/vcrs/dvd, etc.
I honestly don't believe I'm being gaslighted here. When he gets home I will uninstall the app. I know her full name, address, number. He was never facebook friends, he hardly uses facebook. I know her facebook, I even checked out her mothers facebook page. I know she is in the hospital because my husband told me she texted him and said she was in the hospital with meningitis. I know thats a fact because I checked her mothers facebook page and she had the same info on it. She just went home on a portable IV. I'm trying to take your advice. He has answered any questions I've had. He had been texting/messaging her for a month. The first and only time they met was like a day or two before I found out about it. I had started to suspect something literally right before. If I would have checked him phone just a day or two sooner they would have never "met". I know that a month is how long they were texting because that is when he started having stomach problems (caused by guilt) and when he started getting distant. I also know because I took pictures of the mesages/texts and they all show that there was only that one "meeting" and one attempted but no show meeting. He also told me this before I showed him the pictures. I am trying to follow advice, honestly I am. I would love to put a spying thing on his phone, but the ones mentioned require money and that is very short at the moment. We just had to put groceries on our credit card. He has taken full responsibility for his actions and even when I said it was my fault because of lack of sex, too fat, too grumpy, etc, he said he is the one at fault and that I was fine and not to blame for this. Obviously we have and had some big issues (communication being the biggest), but he is the one who is to blame. Again, I want my marriage to work and I am trying to follow advice. I know you don't think so and I understand why but I know my husband. I knew right when this started (before I found out)that something wasn't "right". I sensed it then at the beginning, it just took me a month to figure it out. I'm trying.
Last edited by Rose12377; 07/06/15 11:10 AM.
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So where in all this did you actually follow our advice?
1. uninstall the app
2. send the OW a no contact letter
3. expose the affair to everyone
I am not sure what you are doing here if you refuse to follow the advice? What can we help you with?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Wow, I thought this forum was to help people?!? All you're doing is criticizing me and making me feel stupid. I'm TRYING to follow the advice!!!!!! Forgive me if I haven't been doing things instantly. I've been sick with a very bad cold/cough and so has my 4 year old. I'm uninstalling the app today after he gets home. The OW has already been sent a letter. Was I supposed to send my own because I'd really like to. I have one all typed. Should I send it? Expose the affair to everyone????? What, am I supposed to put it on a billboard in town????? I don't even know what this means. I'm not telling our parents. His mother would never shut up about it and probably blame me. His father would probably have a heart attack his heart is not good. They are VERY religious people. My mother would quite literally kill him. Literally kill him, she knows people. Absolutely NO good would come from telling a ton of people at all. Honestly, it would cause us to call it quits. We live in a smaller town and we are VERY private people. I am very painfully shy and very private and the thought of people knowing about this would quite honestly make me never leave the house at all. I would never be around anyone ever again including my very small amount of family. I honestly do not have one friend. He only has work acquaintances, not any friends he hangs out with. Thats why I started to suspect something wasn't right. Because he was going over to a co workers house more than once. (Once he actually did, the other was his "meeting" with the OW). We never go anywhere. Should I tell his grandmother who has Alzheimers and can't even remember who he is most of the time? I think this is probably a bad idea, my being here. You don't want to help me, just keep telling me I'm not following advice when I'm trying to. I'm surprised anyone gets any help here. I'd be surprised if any of you trying to "help" others on here were still actually married. I'm more stressed over trying to get help here than I am over my husband actually cheating on me. What does that say about your "help"?
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That was rude. People here are trying to help. It is frustrating to vounteer our time to help you and then have you attack us.
We are very focused because marital recovery after an affair is impossible unless Dr. Harley's plan is followed to the letter. You are confused by your emotions, understandably, so we are trying to keep u pu on track.
Last edited by apples123; 07/06/15 12:41 PM.
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Steps
1. Get evidence together to convince a jury. (Your pictures will be enough.)
2. Expose to all family and friends using the letter. This will bust up the fantasy aspect of the affair
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Don't wait until she is all better. She could be running around town and still be on home antibiotics for 6 weeks.
3. Plan A. Be the best spouse you can be but stand against the affair. Meet his needs and avoid lovebusters.
4. Read Dr. Harley's articles and q and a columns on affairs. Then on lovebusters, then emotional needs.
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I was rude???? I'm sorry, but I don't think I was rude. I'm the frustrated one here. I'm beginning to think this is some kind of weird cult. I am not confused by my emotions. I am thinking very clear right now. Again, I am the one being "attacked" here. I really appreciate all attempts to help here. That is why I am here - to get advice and save my marriage. But I really feel like I am the bad guy here, and I'm not.
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I was rude???? I'm sorry, but I don't think I was rude. I'm the frustrated one here. I'm beginning to think this is some kind of weird cult. I am not confused by my emotions. I am thinking very clear right now. Again, I am the one being "attacked" here. I really appreciate all attempts to help here. That is why I am here - to get advice and save my marriage. But I really feel like I am the bad guy here, and I'm not. Rose, I understand how you might feel that way. But understand that quite frankly you have no idea what you are doing. There is a proven plan of action available here that works every time it is tried. But if you attempt to deviate from it, it WILL backfire on you.
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
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I was rude???? I'm sorry, but I don't think I was rude. I'm the frustrated one here. I'm beginning to think this is some kind of weird cult. I am not confused by my emotions. I am thinking very clear right now. Again, I am the one being "attacked" here. I really appreciate all attempts to help here. That is why I am here - to get advice and save my marriage. But I really feel like I am the bad guy here, and I'm not. No one said you were the bad guy. But you said you want to save your marriage. We are giving you the steps. They must be followed exactly or you risk a false recovery. This is hard but anyone who has been through false recovery will tell you that is worse. (Was "cult" meant to be complimentary?) Take a breath. Then get your exposure list together.
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1.I have evidence. 2.I will not tell any more of my family, I value my privacy and sanity too much for that. There is no fantasy aspect of the affair. It was not a love affair. It was an I'm not getting my needs met and I'm mad and frustrated at you and our relationship and lack of communicating and tired of not feeling wanted affair. 3. I am trying to be the best spouse I can, etc. 4. I'm reading the articles.
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Great! In the articles you will discover that All affairs are about fantasy and lack of boundaries. Yes, you should work on meeting needs and being in love, but none of that forced home into the affair. You are not to blame for his poor boundaries.
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Please understand I am typing on my phone and long, flowery replies are not feasible.
Also understand that the last 3 days were a holiday so me people are swamped at work. You will likely get more response later.
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1.I have evidence.
2.I will not tell any more of my family, I value my privacy and sanity too much for that. There is no fantasy aspect of the affair. It was not a love affair. It was an I'm not getting my needs met and I'm mad and frustrated at you and our relationship and lack of communicating and tired of not feeling wanted affair.
3. I am trying to be the best spouse I can, etc.
4. I'm reading the articles. #2 will likely be what keeps you from recovering. You don't want to hear it but it's the truth. Most people don't make it Rose. MOST! Why would you skip steps and stack the deck against yourself so heavily?
Last edited by FightTheFight; 07/06/15 01:14 PM.
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
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1.I have evidence. 2.I will not tell any more of my family, I value my privacy and sanity too much for that. There is no fantasy aspect of the affair. It was not a love affair. It was an I'm not getting my needs met and I'm mad and frustrated at you and our relationship and lack of communicating and tired of not feeling wanted affair. 3. I am trying to be the best spouse I can, etc. 4. I'm reading the articles. If you won't follow the advice, then what did you need from us? If you won't expose the affair, you are essentially ENABLING IT and nothing we tell you can overcome your enabling. You will have doomed your chances of recovery. Affairs thrive on secrecy so if you are going to help keep it a secret, you are only enabling it. This is not a blogging forum. We all have our own families and careers and have taken time out of our schedules to offer you free advice. We don't have to help you. If you won't follow the advice, there is nothing we can do to help you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And yes, you are very rude. If you don't follow the advice and are rude to VOLUNTEERS, you aren't going get much help here. I certainly don't volunteer my time to people who don't listen and are rude. You don't have to follow the advice, but you also don't have to waste valuable time that could be spent on others who are interested in saving their marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Please understand I am typing on my phone and long, flowery replies are not feasible.
Also understand that the last 3 days were a holiday so me people are swamped at work. You will likely get more response later. Just want to point out that she has had numerous responses with the correct advice. She doesn't need more responses, she needs to follow the advice she has been given. Until that happens, this can't move forward.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I will not tell any more of my family, I value my privacy and sanity too much for that. There is no fantasy aspect of the affair. Then be prepared for repeat affairs and the end of your marriage. If by some miracle your marriage doesn't end in divorce, it will only be a crippled version of what it was before the affair. The plan works if you follow it.
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1.I have evidence. 2.I will not tell any more of my family, I value my privacy and sanity too much for that. There is no fantasy aspect of the affair. It was not a love affair. It was an I'm not getting my needs met and I'm mad and frustrated at you and our relationship and lack of communicating and tired of not feeling wanted affair. 3. I am trying to be the best spouse I can, etc. 4. I'm reading the articles. Hi Rose, I am very worried for you that somehow you are buying into your husband's minimizing what really happened here. Fantasy aspect of the affair? I'm not sure what you mean. All affairs are fantasy. Yes your husband did and does have the fantasy aspect (it takes longer than this to come out of the fog, so believe me, your husband is NOT your partner again yet, and certainly not until all of the the checklist is completed). I didn't expose at first either. Therefore, I got to go through D-Day all over again six months later. Affairs are addictive Rose, and while the wayward spouse may mean well for a couple of minutes, extraordinary precautions must be put into place so that any contact is IMPOSSIBLE. Once I discovered the false recovery, I sure did expose, and almost a billboard too (not only did I tell everyone friends and relatives on all of our sides, but I also mailed a one page condensed exposure with a photo to all of the OWs neighbors up and down her street. I included my phone number and asked them to call me if they ever saw my husband on their street again). There will be no recovery if your husband's affair is not killed dead first. This will not happen unless you do every single thing on the checklist, including exposure. All of us valued our privacy and our sanity Rose. None of us WANTED to expose. It stinks all around, but I can say that after I exposed, I got such support and care from so many around me, that I don't know why I waited! Plus, exposure has a wonderful side-benefit of showing us who is an enemy of marriage. I am sorry for the pain that you are going through. Please listen to us and squelch this affair DEAD. Now if you've read this far, GO BACK through your thread and take the ACTIONS that MelodyLane, Prisca, and Susie and others have posted for you.
DDays - six months of them THANK YOU God and Marriage Builders. We never knew that it could be this good!
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Rose,
A single OW with children is a very dangerous one. They love to replace the "old" wife. I wish you could see that sweeping this under the rug is going to burn you.
The fact that he is too dumb to delete an app is a very telling sign - he is unmotivated. He could take it to anyone, a phone store, call customer support. Any local pre-teen can do it (heck I'll bet you 4 yo could figure it out).
Do you see the danger in a man who is not actually making an effort to prevent contact? He is doing minimal actions to get you off his back.
And you are willing to hide it all for him too. Sorry, but expect him to resume this or another affair. It is no secret she is an hour away - he didn't want you to find out in your small town.
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Effective Marriage Counseling, p. 44 When a couple gives a coach the right to direct them toward recovery, and are willing to follow the coach�s orders, the couple will see rapid improvement�if the
coach�s plan actually works.
When I coach a couple, I let them know from the beginning that I expect them to follow my assignments. If they fail to follow them, I focus on their failure rather than on the marital problems themselves, until they comply. We have here the plan that works - Dr. Harley's. We can help people by motivating them to follow the plan. Of course, they can volunteer to follow the plan or skip it, and they can give up after starting. But if they aren't following it, the best thing we can do for them is to focus on that fact.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Rose,
we understand that you are in shock here and hurting.
The thing is, that your marriage is in very grave danger and I am not talking about what happened, I am talking about what is going to happen.
Affairs are like drug addiction. Once you have tasted heroine, you want more. Your husband had had a taste of exciting sex with a new person in secret, which had him hooked. His faith did not stop him, the thought of losing his dear wife and lovely family did not stop him. That is what affairs do.
Every drug addict wants to stop doing drugs after their last shot wears off and they feel horrible. But after a short time, they long for that high. That is exactly what will happen with your husband.
He will want to do the good thing, but his addict mind, will drive him to the other woman. He will shut his good mind off by saying: "I just want to know that her health is ok", "I will just see her one last time to say goodbye" and so on. And then they will meet and BAM, the affair is on again.
You know how it is when you are on a diet. You know that you should be eating healthy vegetables, but you eat the mars bar once you are in the supermarket.
That is why you should expose. You should not expose to the entire town, but you should expose to the people who can have an influence on him. His christian parents are a very good start. Once the light of day shines on his affair, he will start looking at it with different eyes and see it for what it is.
If he is good at excel and could install kik, he would be able to remove it if he was motivated. He figured out how to meet this whore, right? He can if he wants to.
P.S. he was never testing you, that is just a crappy lie to throw you off track.
me, DH
all the children
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http://lmgtfy.com/?q=how+to+uninstall+kikBut this is a distraction from the most important step of the plan: exposing the affair far and wide.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Not everyone is addicted to affairs and repeats them. He met her ONCE. Some people realize that they made a huge mistake and would anything to take it back, and would never think about doing it again. I know this is a fact.
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Rose, I know you want to believe your WH is the exception to the rule. But if it was a horrible mistake that he regrets terribly, why would he be mad at you for checking his phone? Why would he continue to delete texts without telling you? Why would he not want to be completely transparent so as to restore your trust in him?
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Not everyone is addicted to affairs and repeats them. He met her ONCE. Some people realize that they made a huge mistake and would anything to take it back, and would never think about doing it again. I know this is a fact. How do you know 'some people' pertains to your WH? How do you know that he is not one of the vast majority of people who are addicted to the A?
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Not everyone is addicted to affairs and repeats them. He met her ONCE. Some people realize that they made a huge mistake and would anything to take it back, and would never think about doing it again. I know this is a fact. WE know for a fact that the affair should be exposed. If you won't do that, we can't help you.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Not everyone is addicted to affairs and repeats them. He met her ONCE. Some people realize that they made a huge mistake and would anything to take it back, and would never think about doing it again. I know this is a fact. Dr Harley knows this too Rose. But you still need to follow the steps. Not all affairs are addictions, of course, just like not all people who get drunk every weekend are alcoholics. I have treated many "alcoholics" who simply made a decision in my office to stop drinking. Even though they were suffering the physical effects of years of drunkenness, from that day forward they never had another drink. And they told me that they had almost no craving for liquor after they stopped drinking. I don't consider these people to be addicts. From my perspective their drinking was always something they could have stopped any time they wanted because they were never addicted. The proof was in the fact that they actually stopped cold turkey and suffered no withdrawal symptoms. Another proof was that they were able to avoid alcohol for the rest of their lives. I have known some of them to have remained sober for over 20 years.
Cigarette users can be the same way. Rush Limbough claims that after years of smoking he simply gave it up one day, and has never smoked since. I know of many like Rush who, in my judgment, were never addicted to nicotine. That's why they were able to give up smoking with relative ease.
Affairs can be the same, particularly when a spouse is not in love with his lover. Many affairs are one-night-stands, where a spouse has sex only once with someone who happens to be available. Even when it is repeated, a relationship of sexual convenience without the feeling of love is relatively easy to stop when it is exposed. That's because a relationship without love is usually not an addiction, although it is still devastating to the other spouse when it is discovered.
But it's difficult to know whether or not a relationship is an addiction until a husband has left his lover for good. A husband may claim that he does not love his cohort, as a way to deflect attention from the relationship. Then when everything is back to normal, he gets back together with her. Addicts are notorious liars, and sincerity is their specialty.
An alcoholic that I once counseled told his wife that he had simply made the decision to give up drinking. He was convincing for two years. But one day, he was rushed to the hospital for drinking automobile window washer fluid. It seems he had been adding blue food coloring to gin, and stashing it away in a window washer fluid container. Unknown to him, his brother had filled the container with the real thing, and he just about killed himself drinking it. From that day on, his wife knew he was an addict, and he voluntarily admitted himself into treatment.
In your case, your husband is most certainly addicted because he loves the other woman, and he had so many of the withdrawal symptoms when he tried to leave her. So let's look at ways that addicts must be treated to help them overcome their addiction. Having owned and operated chemical dependency treatment programs, I am well aware of the most successful methods.
To be on the safe side I usually treat most affairs as if they are an addiction. If I'm right, we get to the root of the problem without wasting valuable time. If I'm wrong, going through the steps necessary to avoid seeing the former lover, which should be done whether or not it's an addiction, is simply easier to do.
Last edited by FightTheFight; 07/06/15 03:59 PM.
Me (42)
Her (43) - feuillecouleur
DS(11)
DD(7)
Married: June 24, 2000
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Not everyone is addicted to affairs and repeats them. He met her ONCE. Some people realize that they made a huge mistake and would anything to take it back, and would never think about doing it again. I know this is a fact. We don't hear from those people here because they follow the plan on their own without arguing.
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Not everyone is addicted to affairs and repeats them. He met her ONCE. Some people realize that they made a huge mistake and would anything to take it back, and would never think about doing it again. I know this is a fact. Which has nothing to do with whether or not you should expose the affair. The affair should always be exposed. You came here with this question "Don't know what to do." The people who have answered you have been helping people in your situation for years and their answer was "expose the affair." Now you know what to do. What more do you want? If you want to skip this step, you're inviting heartache and misery. We care about the people who come to this board for help, so we don't let them skip the most important steps. We will continue to talk about it until you do it.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Not everyone is addicted to affairs and repeats them. He met her ONCE. Some people realize that they made a huge mistake and would anything to take it back, and would never think about doing it again. I know this is a fact. People with poor boundaries have an affair. Knowing you will expose is an extra security he won't cheat again. Every situation is unique to every newby on this forum and yet the plan to fix this works for all. You can take your time and read all of Dr. Harley's articles and books and find out for yourself that all of it is the result of years of thorough research and then expose. Or you can take the shortcut and trust the advice of the oldbies on this forum to be correct and expose now. You, like the rest of us, will come to the conclusion that exposure is a valuable tool to stop the affair and also reduce the possibility of it ever happening again. Better do it as soon as possible. Kill it now, don't be sorry later you didn't expose directly. The sooner you expose, the sooner you can start recovery.
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A few weeks ago you would have said, he only talked about meeting her, they really did not do anything, it was only a stupid conversation and he would NEVER do such a thing, right?
He took the trouble to go meet her, to kiss her (which I presume was not in your marriage vows), to fondle her, should I go on?
Don't you think he knew all along that it was wrong?
A mistake is, when I drop my car keys. Sending the car keys to China per air mail is not a mistake, it is deliberate.
He knew the entire time it was wrong and it did not stop him. What has changed? Now he really knows that it was wrong? I am sure you would have known for a fact that he would not do such a thing or you wouldn't have married him.
We understand that your husband used to be a good man.
But he needs your help in staying away from temptation.
He needs accountibility.
Letting him off the hook easy, is not helping him stay on the narrow path.
me, DH
all the children
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Not everyone is addicted to affairs and repeats them. He met her ONCE. Some people realize that they made a huge mistake and would anything to take it back, and would never think about doing it again. I know this is a fact. Your minimization of this infidelity is the single biggest risk factor to your marriage. Believing one possesses immunity causes one not to take the necessary extraordinary precautions that prevent recurrences. The difference between "not at all" and "once" is much greater than the difference between "once" and "many times". Your WH has exhibited all the necessary potential for this thing to run amok.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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Not everyone is addicted to affairs and repeats them. He met her ONCE. Some people realize that they made a huge mistake and would anything to take it back, and would never think about doing it again. I know this is a fact. Some people don't get addicted to the OW, such as men who constantly cruise for sex. These people could care less about the women involved they are just addicted to the thrill of random hook ups. Rose, he's been contacting her for over a month and will not stop contact with her even now, when his marriage is hanging by a thread. He drove to hook up with her knowing it could destroy his marriage - you don't think that's addiction? You'd have to be a psychopath to do this to your spouse without a compelling addiction. Ordinarily people in affairs start with things that won't harm the marriage by themselves - flirting or an os friendship. But when it ramps up into stronger feelings they lose control. One of the main reasons he is unwilling to end contact is lack of exposure. It's still a fun addiction until exposure. You also need the support. People are much kinder than you think and if they aren't it's time to discover who the true friends are. Look if you are OK with doing Plan Rose and risking another Dday that's up to you. You can still come back here to do it properly later on, if it's not too late, as so very many people do when they try to take the easy way. Unfortunately many of them are too late.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Not everyone is addicted to affairs and repeats them. He met her ONCE. Some people realize that they made a huge mistake and would anything to take it back, and would never think about doing it again. I know this is a fact. What is actually fact is: ~ Your H has demonstrated the ability to lie to your face and carry on a SSL (secret second life) ~ Your H has demonstrated the ability to engage in marriage wrecking IB (Independent Behavior), even at yours and your child's expense You can't escape those facts, Rose.
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Wow, I thought this forum was to help people?!? All you're doing is criticizing me and making me feel stupid. I'm TRYING to follow the advice!!!!!! Forgive me if I haven't been doing things instantly. I've been sick with a very bad cold/cough and so has my 4 year old. I'm uninstalling the app today after he gets home. The OW has already been sent a letter. Was I supposed to send my own because I'd really like to. I have one all typed. Should I send it? Expose the affair to everyone????? What, am I supposed to put it on a billboard in town????? I don't even know what this means. I'm not telling our parents. His mother would never shut up about it and probably blame me. His father would probably have a heart attack his heart is not good. They are VERY religious people. My mother would quite literally kill him. Literally kill him, she knows people. Absolutely NO good would come from telling a ton of people at all. Honestly, it would cause us to call it quits. We live in a smaller town and we are VERY private people. I am very painfully shy and very private and the thought of people knowing about this would quite honestly make me never leave the house at all. I would never be around anyone ever again including my very small amount of family. I honestly do not have one friend. He only has work acquaintances, not any friends he hangs out with. Thats why I started to suspect something wasn't right. Because he was going over to a co workers house more than once. (Once he actually did, the other was his "meeting" with the OW). We never go anywhere. Should I tell his grandmother who has Alzheimers and can't even remember who he is most of the time? I think this is probably a bad idea, my being here. You don't want to help me, just keep telling me I'm not following advice when I'm trying to. I'm surprised anyone gets any help here. I'd be surprised if any of you trying to "help" others on here were still actually married. I'm more stressed over trying to get help here than I am over my husband actually cheating on me. What does that say about your "help"? Look at it this way: We see the same patterns and things here on the forum OVER and OVER again. Your H and his affair were not special or any different than what we see here every day. People who want to sweep the affair and uncomfortable things like Just Compensation,v Extraordinary Precautions and EXPOSURE under the rug don't make it. Period. I have been here many years and I have never seen it. Not only do they not make it, they usually end up in a FR (false recovery), only to be BURNED again - enduring much more pain and suffering. It is much easier to pretend this whole thing was an "one-time" thing caused by having an "unhappy marriage" and just move on to the needs-meeting part of the program. That won't work! We don't yell at people to get off the train tracks because it's fun, Rose. It's because we've been in your place and we've seen it time and again here on the forum.
Last edited by SusieQ; 07/08/15 10:36 AM.
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
Reposting for emphasis: The fact that he is too dumb to delete an app is a very telling sign - he is unmotivated. He could take it to anyone, a phone store, call customer support. Any local pre-teen can do it (heck I'll bet you 4 yo could figure it out).
Do you see the danger in a man who is not actually making an effort to prevent contact? He is doing minimal actions to get you off his back. I could buy the whole excuse of not being able to do something that is technologically complicated - I am challenged in that area myself. But he can't uninstall an app for heaven's sakes? Come on. I predict a WH not only who doesn't take steps to protect you or your M, but a WH who does not make efforts to fix your M by meeting your needs, avoiding lovebusters or setting aside adequate UA time.....despite his excuses that he strayed since he wasn't gettting his needs met in this marriage. This is typical for a lazy WS who can't even be bothered to implement a simple extraordiary precaution.
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Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Member
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Member
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449 |
Rose, you are going to have to set aside your own plan (Plan Enable Wayward Husband) and start listening to us. I predict that it will take getting BURNED again for you to start taking this program seriously.
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