MelodyLane, Sugarcane, skd, thanks as always for thr practical info!

Update: WH is not moving out, he's at home and hasn't said what his plans are re staying or leaving. He Didn't even mention it, and I didn't bring it up because it was a very emotionally draining day and night--WH told our DS23 last night about the marital breakdown and that it was adultery. WH has left it open for both sons to get more information on details from me, if they like. Would be better for DS to speak to their dad on these matters or does it matter?

I see the value of the text stick and polygraph, but WH is still very resistent. He did show me the final text between his first love, which he took a screen shot of and it was quite final but still not what I need from him. We talked about his contact with her and he still insists it was done only for him to get closure, and not to start an affair.

I asked WH for his first love's spouses name and he gave it to me, quite willingly! I was shocked, it was way too easy. What do you folks make of that? Alas, the spouse has a very common name and I tried to google search, phone book look up and came up with nothing for contact info or numbers. Any suggestions here? I do know the first love's mothers name, but she is elderly and unhealthy; Should I consider contacting her?

I am not giving up on our marriage, yet, but separation is what I need right now, so I have clarity on what I want to do and WH has the time alone to figure out his future on his own. We keep talking about what went wrong, how things could have been different, etc., but it's getting old and very draining.

WH plans to talk to his parents today or tomorrow and contact our church elders as well, with the intention of telling all. These two events will bring him to his knees but he is determined to see it through and take what is coming.

We are both one day at a time. I need to slow down a bit, as I can feel the stress affecting me. I start a new job on Monday, on top of everything else, and I need to focus on that.

MB counselling is still an option for us, would I attempt that before the separation?

Did you read this?

Did you check Facebook?

He should not even know about the text retrieval stick or any other truth revealing spy software.

It is VERY telling that he is resistant to taking a polygraph test. Don't you see that too?

LTL

bird, you are making strategic mistakes that will be hard to fix in the future. Right now, YOU need to be exposing the affair to your family and friends. NOT YOUR HUSBAND. This needs to be done by you without warning. YOU need to speak to his parents TODAY. Please go read my exposure thread and follow the instructions.


Of course. Can you find the OW on Facebook? I am very concerned tqht you are not being very proactive and are giving your WH and the OW time to pre-empt you. You need to step this up and get this affair exposed TODAY.


Yes, you are wasting time and I am very concerned that you are not following our advice. Now is the time to get the affair out into the open and discuss affair proofing measures such as full transparency. You should also insist on his taking a polygraph and giving you his phone so you can retrieve his deleted texts.

Bird, please follow the advice here. It is critical to your recovery. We can't help you if you don't take the advice. Expose the affair TODAY. YOURSELF.

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These exposures should be done BY YOU, not him. YOU need to tell the kids about the affair and give them all the correct information. It is not a decision that is up to your husband.

Mam, you need to start taking control here and stop leaving your life in the hands of a selfish, reckless wayward husband. If you continue to allow him to drive the boat, you will end up crashed on the rocks. Your husband only has his own selfish interest at heart.

When my XH 'confessed' he readily gave me the first and last name of Fat Slag edition 1. It was only much later that I found out that both were invented names, not even close.

I am listening to you all! My sister clued me in as well, to all the red flags.

It is darn hard to track down people, but I am thinking of all friends and family connected to OW and remembered an acquaintance of WH who used to be married to OWs sister i called him and he knew OWs spouse from years ago and gave me OWs husbands place of work. He also told me he hasnt had contact with his exs (also OWs family ) for years, but said they are all whack jobs. He was cheated on for many years by the ex before he knew what was going on and it still grieves him.

So I called a number off the internet and asked for OWs spouse by name. They asked me what the call was about and I said it was a personal matter, mistake. She wouldnt give his number to me (he works out of a different branch I guess) but took my number to give it to him. I only gave her my first name. I hope I didnt screw this up

Please help, thnx

Can you find his workplace email address?

Can you find anybody's address in that organisation? If they all read joe.bloggs@company.com, then you can work out his own email address.

Send him an email to that workplace address saying that you need to talk to him about your husband and his wife.

I ended up calling FIL and telling him I suspect WS might be having an affair, and our marriage is in serious trouble. WH respects his dad but not his mom and it didn't occur to me to call him until a little while ago! I asked FIL to call his son. I get confused with all the information presented in these posts; did I handle it right?

I'm not getting any more info from social media; these people don't seem to be on facebook, linked up, instagram, etc. Most of the phone numbers I called didn't answer, etc. I am losing my patience! Its like they don't exist! But I will keep trying....

I also called my DS23 and asked him if he could contact his dad because I don't believe he is being completely honest and could be/ is having an affair as we we speak. He said no, he did not want to be caught up in between us. He said he would still keep in contact with him and encourage him to be completely transparent with our clergy and leave nothing on the table.

I've decided to tell WH I am making an appointment on Monday for a polygraph and he can say yes or no; if he says no then I will plan for separation within 2 weeks from that day. If he is honest and passes, then it will have been a great 'date' lol If he fails, then I was right all along.

Sugarcane, I tried for a bit to look for an email address but couldn't find anything online. He is a Union Rep and I imagine they keep stuff like pretty private. BUT I will keep looking. Thanks for the suggestion!

Folks, I read the post about polygraph and printed out some questions suggestions. I also printed from online other ideas for questions. Can I get suggestions from anyone here for questions relating to my situation or should I start a new post elsewhere?

I would call him RIGHT BACK right now and tell him you KNOW about the affair and give him your evidence. Why tell him you "suspect" an affair if you know the truth? That does not help you, your H, and will only confuse your FIL. If you :"suspect" an affair, you should not be telling anyone in the first place. You should only expose if you KNOW it for a fact.

So, go call him back.

Who else is on your list? It is critical that you expose to everyone on the same day so it hits the affairees like a tsunami. Doing a little trickle here and a little trickle there will avail you nothing and will greatly diminish the effectiveness of exposure.


Good! Keep trying and don't give up. Do you have the OW's home phone #? If so, call there, disguise your # using *67 and ask for her husband. Tell him all about the affair.


I don't understand why you are being so VAGUE? Why are you purposely confusing people? Call your son and tell him the FACTS. We told you to do this.

HE NEEDS TO GET THE TRUTH FROM YOU. Stop passing the buck, Mam.


Perfect!

Is he on linkedin?

Write out all your questions and require him to answer them TWO DAYS before the test. Based on his answers, you will then decide with the tester what 3 questions to ask him.

Mam, now is not the time to be cagey and vague. You need to follow the talking points on my exposure thread when you expose. DID YOU READ MY THREAD?

Say to them: H is having an affair with OW [give the name] According to H, this affair has gone on for XXX years. They met and had sex at a hotel on XX-XX-2015. She is also married. I am telling you to ask you to use your influence to persuade him to end his affair and work on recovering our marriage.

I just googled "name of my workplace + union rep", and among lots of other stuff, the name of one of our union reps came up, with his full job title.

Union reps exist so that members can contact them. I'd be very surprised if the reps at that organisation do not have a publicly available email address.

Have you googled "his name + name of organisation"?

Are you saying I should LIE to FIL and DS? I only know that WH/OW called each other, met in a public place and texted.

Just to clarify, Mel: the facts that bird has are confessions to several affairs 20 years ago, plus one text message and a confession from her H that he contacted this current woman, an ex girlfriend and they met. The one text that was saved shows that whatever relationship they were having was being brought to a close.

Therefore, the requests to friends and family for help need to say that her H has had several affairs, and recently contacted an ex girlfriend to start another affair. He has now decided he wants to leave the marriage, please help etc.

The exposure to her husband needs to say that bird's H and his wife, who dated 30 years ago, met each other recently. The WH is saying that they did not pursue a relationship, but the fact that this woman agreed to meet her husband gives cause for concern, especially since the WH now wants to leave the marriage. You do not know how far this relationship met, but you do know that they met without telling their spouses.

(This latter conversation would be much easier to have if you can get the other husband to call you, and speak on the phone. It would make the explanation easier, and you can quickly find out whether he knows any more than you do, and you can ask him to keep his wife away from your husband, and to inform you if he comes across any more past or future contact. )

MelodyLane, with all due respect, I am trying my darnest to find and contact people. I also have other responsibilities to look after, as we all do and this is important but I also need to shower lol