My story...
My husband and I have been married for 26 years. We have two sons 23 and 21 yrs Our oldest lives across country and our youngest is still home. My husband came to me a few days ago and revealed he had an affair for two years that ended 20 years ago. He said he ended the affair; at that time we moved to another city, as my husband took a job transfer. He said part of the reason was to start over and get away from what he had done. I asked him why he didn't tell me about the affair back then and he said he didn't want to break up the family and our children were so young. He also wanted to make sure we were looked after physically and allow me to be a stay at home mom. So this continued for the next 20 years and now our youngest son is on the verge of leaving home.

This revelation was enough for one day. He went to work yesterday, as he always does and I stayed home and contemplated my future. I am completely devastated... But this is nothing new, as I will explain...

Our marriage started out rocky. We dated long distance and had a lovely wedding. Three months into marriage, my husband told me he had to leave because he'd had an affiar that had started before we married. He told me the affair was over I was shocked, devastated! We separated, I moved back home in another city. He went on his merry way while I picked up the pieces. I was madly in love with him and missed him desparately. I decided to wait a year before considering divorce. I didn't hear from him and then coinincidently, about a year later, he came around to me, wanting to reconcile. He ended up moving to my city, with me, where we stayed and our two sons were born. Life seemd ok but not great; we fought alot; he worked and drank alot, while i stayed home with the babies. Unknown to me, he was unfaithful, having not just the one affair mentioned already, but a 'one night stand' and another affair. These women were all from his place of work.

He confessed to the other liasons yesterday, and has said he has nothing else to hide. He said he has been suicidal and almost took his life a few months ago, even writing a letter to me about everything. He didn't go through with it because he knew of the great pain it would cause me and his boys, and that he wants life, no matter how hard it will be.

He says he had told me about all the affairs but I don't know if I can or should, believe him. I asked if I could look at his cell phone and he said yes, he has nothing to hide. He says he has been 'faithful' for the last 20 years but for me, his keeping these secrets for so long, I almost feel more betrayed with this revelation than with all the affairs. We are living together in the family home. He had said he would move out if I wanted him to, but I am in such shock and do not want any change for now. Plus our son who lives with us doesn't have a clue of whats going on and I don't want him to know what is happening, just yet.

Strange as it seems, I love my husband. He has not expressed how he feels about me, but he has indicated he wants to look after me financially and that the family home is mine to live in. He is worried about our sons and his parents. For all the trauma this confession is causing, he knew he had to tell me, in order for the healing for him and me to begin. We are both numb, in shock.

I read most of the basic information from the website yesterday and tried to use some of the advice in dealing with my husband in our conversations yesterday. I even hugged him for the first time in months and before we went to sleep, he thanked me for listening. Maybe there is hope for us!?

I have left out many details, but can provide more information, whatever will help. Any and all advice is appreciated.

Bird,

Do you know who these OW are and have their husbands been told?

You may also want to get a polygraph for your WH. This will help you eliminate the possibility there have been other affairs.

Gamma

I only know the names of the OWs and they were co workers of my WH. I do not know if they were married. Why would I need this information? The comment about the polygraph scares me; are you saying that I should assume my husband is lieing about not having anymore affairs in the last 20 years?

Yes, of course you should assume he is lying. He can have affairs multiple times, including while you were pregnant and giving birth, and lie to your face for 20 years... it would be naive to think he is suddenly full of honesty.

You have a serial cheater with decades of liar entitlement. If you want to recover, the bar has to set so high it's practically in space. Are you willing to expect that?

Bird,

If your WH is serious about his honesty he will gladly take the polygraph. If you don't know if these OW were married or not then you don't have the basic facts either.

Your WH should also make his apologies to the BHs of these OW.

Gamma

Thanks for the replies...

Alis, how high do I set the bar? I don't know where to start...

Gamma, you are saying my WH should contact these people from 20-25 years ago and tell them he is sorry? I am so confused. Where on MB can I find the step by step on how to where to go now that my WH has confessed? I didn't think it was healthy to ask for details, that it wouldn't benefit or help our marital crisis, but I am new at this and need all the help I can get

bird,

Contacting these people from 20-25 years ago should not be done. It is not something that Dr harley, the founder of Marriage Builders, recommends. Doing so would be a distraction from the very serious problem facing you in your own marriage today, and for the future.

This is what Dr Harley recommends you to do:



The first point, "The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse" means that your husband needs to give you the identities of all the women involved. If he doesn't, you cannot know whether he is still in contact with them or not. For all you know, one or more might still be working with him.

The third point, "The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse" isn't necessary with affairs that ended 20 years ago - if indeed you can be sure that they all ended, and there has been no recent contact.

What you will be doing, by trying to contact the husbands of these women from 20 years ago, is focusing your attention on the long dead affairs - in a sense, bringing something back to life that died a long time ago. What you really need to focus on is your marriage, and on overcoming the unhappiness that these revelations have brought, and building an entirely new marriage from the failed marriage that you have long lived with.

Asking your husband to take a polygraph is a good idea, because you will never know if he is telling you the whole truth about these women's identities, and about the affairs being long dead, without one. Focusing on their marriages, though, is focusing on the wrong thing. It is pointless and won't help your marriage one iota.

Thank you SugerCane, I appreciate your comments

I totally never thought about your point that these women could have followed him to our current city. That said, my husband has told me the names of two women he had affairs with 20 years ago when we lived in another city plus the name of a woman who 'tempted' him( but he says they did not have affair) in the current city we live in. I will need to contact the 3rd woman and confirm the story. He also had a ONS 20+ years and didn't give her name,but I need to get her info as well.

Yeah, my life is a mess, what can I say?

I have read the EP and many of the requirements I already intuitivelly want to do follow but some I don't know if I have the energy. But I know I need to do these things to keep my sanity and start the recovery, whether we stay married or not. At this point, I don't know if my husband wants to work on marriage. He is planning to confess his infidelity to our clergy and next, tell our 2nd son (living at home). Then next will be his parents and our 1st son.

We will be talking again tonite once he is home from work and hopefully, make some progress.

Also, H doesn't know I am seeking advice on a forum. I want to show him what I'm doing, as part of being honest with him, but am not sure if it would help. What should I do?

Don't tell him ANYTHING about this place. We will need to talk to you about spying on him, and other actions that if he reads about them (even on other people's threads), will ruin their effectiveness.

You don't know that he is being honest with you yet, and there are red flags that he might even be planning to leave the marriage. He is not your friend yet. Do not let him know about this forum at all.

This suicide business from a few months ago is deeply troubling. Most men who had a series of affairs many years ago do not feel like taking their lives over them, years later. His other statements signify depression, also.

He needs to see a doctor. Can you get him to go?

SugarCane, H told me he feels almost schizophrenic, like he has two personalities, questioning out loud how he's been able to live this lie for 20 years. H feels he has dark memories from his childhood, of something terrible happening ie abuse He is very scared but he wants to live and deal with the consequences. I told him today he needs personal counselling and he agreed. I need to look after myself. I also told H I need personal counselling and possibly joint counselling, to see what to do with the marriage. He agreed to these also. I am thinking of getting legal separation to protect and secure what little assets our marriage has. H said Our home is mine to live in. I am also unsure if he should stay in the marital home or leave. He has no where to go and in such a fragile place.

bird68,

Your husband doesn't need counseling and your marriage doesn't need counseling.
Your focus should be on following Dr. Harley's plan and checklist which SugarCane posted to you.
It's very difficult to live a secret second life and I suspect your husband has had more affairs than what he confessed to you.
What prompted his confession? Did he get caught in an affair and is he worried someone will be contacting you?

Hi bird, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry for the reasons that have brought you here. i want to assure you that you can save this and end up with a fantastic, affair proof marriage if you will follow this program. If you are willing to strictly follow this program, instead of your own plan, you have a great chance of having what we have.

First off, I would put aside all the counseling. Counseling is a distraction at a time that your marriage is on life support. All of your energy and actions should be devoted to saving your marriage now. Counselors have no earthly ideas how to save marriages so they will just be a needless distraction.

I would also strongly urge you not to separate right now. You can't save a marriage if you are not together.

I would start by scheduling a polygraph. It is critical that you get all of the information about his affairs and I doubt he has told you everything. You need the full truth in order to recover. You also need to all the facts so you will know who to keep out of your lives. The best way to get the truth is to first schedule the test. Two days before the test, hand him a list of questions. The questions should be about facts about his affairs, names, occurrences, places, dates, etc. From his answers, you can help the tester determine the appropriate 3 questions.

The next steps are described in this article by Dr Bill Harley,, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders:

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

Here Polygraph Testing

Sugarcane, thank you so much! At first I didn't want to look at the list but something made me read it and then I have started the process by looking through the last two months of WH cell phine records. I found a program online that searchs phone numbers and signed uo and just this morning The program found the number of WH first love from 30 years ago. I immediately called WH and had to grag it out and he finally confessed that he called her and met with her in a public place to find out if she had any feelings for him. She said no and that he needed to move on. Then WH told me she texted him to wish him well. I asked why I had not seen her number on his cellphone and he told me he had erased the texts!

I told WH that in order for us to move on in our relationship, even if we divorce, that I need complete transparency and honesty. I asked WH if he would ever contact her in the future and he said 'I don't know' and then the discussion got
heated with both of us accusing each other of 'have truths' and then both of us agreeing wehave kept secrets from each other over the years and how hurtful this has been.

I then asked if he would take a polygraph and he said no, not a chance.
WH had to go as he was at work but I said we would need to continue talking later.

Should My next step be to contact the ex girlfriend? What else should I be doing at this point?

bird, when did he initiate this contact with the ex? Was this recent? Do you realise that when he says "he called her and met with her in a public place to find out if she had any feelings for him", what he means is that he called and asked her to meet him in a bar, and tried to find out if they could have an affair? And do you realise that by agreeing to meet him at all, even before he asked this question, she must have been open to the idea of an affair?

If your boyfriend from 30 years ago called and begged you meet him, however public the place, wouldn't you know what he wanted to ask you, and would you go? Why would anyone go to a meeting like that, and then say no to the proposition? You need to count on the fact that she did not say no. She went to that meeting because she was as interested as he was, and something happened there. She did NOT say no.

I would not do the following right away, because I think it will tip off your H, and he will cover his tracks with any other women - but do it soon.

I would contact the ex without telling him, but be prepared for the fact that he has probably already contacted her and begged her to back up his story. Be prepared also that if they went to a hotel, or if they later continued their affair, she will already be in defiant mode and will laugh in your face.

Don't expect this woman to help you, but if you have the guts for it, ring her and ask her what happened. Don't, whatever you do, threaten to tell her husband that she met up with yours, but do a search and find out who she is married to, and tell him - later. How dare she meet your husband, even if it was to say no!!

All that is for later, however. For now, your husband has just informed you that he deleted texts - and you can bet that there are a lot more, with other women - and he refuses to take a polygraph.

He is a serial cheat who cheated quite recently (with this ex, however far that went - it was an attempt to hook up), and who refuses to give you the transparency which is your only hope of recovering this marriage.

You need to prepare to separate. I'm going to leave it to others to walk you through those steps, as I cannot post any more now - but you need to separate. You are not safe from him, and he is preparing actively to cheat again. I'm so sorry.

Sugarcane, in answer to your question, I requested WH see a doctor for STDs as well as he has physical symptoms that are very troubling. He was agreeable. He also said he was open to personal counselling, particularly for his childhood issues, as well as marital counselling, but I have my doubts if he will go forward with it, at least not in the very near future. Right now his concern (and mine) is to reveal our marital crisis to family and then our clergy. WH told our DS21, who lives at home, about his affairs etc. last night and now he has to tell our DS23 tonite. I confided in close friends of ours yesterday morn about the situation and I have their support, whatever happens.

Jedi Knight, I first read your questions yesterday and didn't think much of them. But as the day wore on, my gut feeling started to nag me. And thats when I purchasd the cell phone ID program and started searching his records. As I mentiond in another post, I found the number of WH first love and just now confronted WH with the information.

I posted very quickly, then looked back and noticed that MelodyLane advised you not to separate, but that was before the post today about his refusal of a polygraph, and the recent contact.

If she posts again today, make sure she is aware of the contact and of my advice. I don't want to see you getting different advice from different posters - MB advice is MB advice and should always be the same, no matter who posts to you.

The STD thing is just yuk, and you need to stay away from him with a ten-foot pole. You need to be tested also, by the way. His willingness to be tested is good, and you MUST follow it through immediately, but it is also a sign that he fears he could have contracted something - and there is only one way he could have done that.

Since he has been suicidal, I am not going to say that he should not go for individual counselling - but seeing a psychiatrist for medical treatment would be much more effective. There is nothing that can be done about his childhood issues today. They need to be left in the past. The danger is that he will use the fact that he is in counselling to deflect attention from his affairs and from his current behaviour, and from the need for extraordinary precautions in the future. Generally speaking, individual counselling when in an affair is navel gazing and time-wasting.

However, since he has agreed to marriage counselling, get him to talk to Dr Harley's son Steve, for Marriage Buildings coaching. Do not go anywhere near any other type of marriage counselling. Traditional marriage counsellors will allow him to pull the wool over their eyes, as he continues contacting other women while "communicating" with you about the problems in your marriage, and blaming the affair on those problems. Don't go near any traditional marriage counsellor!

Sugarcane, thank you for providing much needed clarity. Imtold WH that I needed absolute transparency and he doesn't get it. He says the reason he didn't tell me about the ex girl is because he knew I would react this way. This has been his pattern of behaviour throughout our marriage and he admits he has had issue with lieing all his life, way before I came into the picture. I feel used and beyond betrayed. Is ther hope for a human like this? I leave that in God's hands

At this point, I do whats needed for me

It seems that the confession might have been prompted by the STD symptoms, which he knows will affect you, too.

You are looking at the tip of a very big iceberg, I'm sorry to say.

Jedi Knight, in reply to why I think he confessed about the old affairs, I do believe it's possible he confessed to me first because he was scared his first love ( who supposedly told him to take a hike) would or still will contact him. I posted about that situation to Sugarcane.

How do I use the feature to get quotes into my replies? Thanks

Sugarcane, is your story on the forums? I want to know about your experiences, thanks

Sorry, Jedi Knight, I meant to say WH is scared the first love would contact ME, not him!

Sugarcane, I am prepared for the worst; I can handle it, as it will be my choice. I have been lied to and deceived for many years; the not understanding why I was treated the way WH treated me over those years ( angry outbursts, blame, mind games, etc) did a number on my health and made me confused about whom I was as a person and thats what hurt the most at D-Day.

I can hold my head up for the things I have done well; faithful wife and the best mother our two sons could ever have. I wasn't perfect and I have my own demonsto address, but I truly believe the healing has begone. I am eternally grateful that the lies iof the past have and will continue to be revealed. I have my life, a bit of sanity, friends and family who will be loving and supportive when they hear the story.

I am going to phone my twin sister now and tell her.

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That's all good, but what are you going to do about his refusal to take a polygraph?

bird, he erased the texts because he is lying. If those texts could have exonerated him he would have kept them. But he is in luck because the texts are easily retrieved and you can read them. I would buy this text recovery stick here. and read his texts.

]
Your next step should be to schedule a polygraph test and order the text retrieval stick. If he won't help you get the truth, you should plan to separate in 2 weeks.

Yes, Sugarcane, I agree, if he was transparent , he would have not erased texts. We did talk since that conversation and he said he did keep the final text from her, to show me if I needed to see it. He took a screen shot and has it for me. I dont understand why he didnt tell me off the top.

Again, I have the OW phone number. I am dieing to call her but advised in previous post to wait. How can I do complete exposure if I dont call her? Or am I missing something?

Yup, I highly doubt he will do polygraph test. It is completely foreign and implausible in his mind. He doesnt believe in them and has heard about mistakes using them. What argument can I use to convince him of their value?

I think we will be physically separating as early as tonite, if WH can see his parents and they let them in the house. WH then said he will stay there til he can find place of his own.

I need direction on separating ie finances, contact, etc, if someone can tell me please!!

Contacting her has nothing to do with exposure.

However, my post earlier today neglected the aspect of exposing to her husband. You are correct that this should be done right away.

You must be careful only to give the facts that you have, which are the she agreed to meet your husband, and you do not have any evidence of what happened at that meeting, or subsequently. You can't really accuse her of having an affair with your husband - not on the evidence that you have so far.

You need to contact him without warning you husband that you are doing so. Do you know his name? You need to get through to him directly. If you can find his work email address, you could contact him there, asking him to call you. What you must not do is leave a message on the house landline. If his wife gets any wind of the fact that you are trying to contact him, she will spin the story first of how your husband contacted her (true), and she had to tell him to sling his hook (we don't know whether that actually happened).

What caused the decision for you to separate tonight? Is your H more anxious to do that than you were, initially? He seems very keen to get out of the house. Why is that? It seems to me like an admission that he wants to keep his secret second life going, and he has no intention of staying married to you, now that you know and will not let him do that.

Sorry, Sugarcane, I reread my post and need to clarify about the symptoms: they are not in relation to STD but to do with his bowel and gut issues that hes had for a long time but have gotten worse in the last couple years. He's scared he has cancer; his dad has colon cancer!

Calling the OW is the least of your worries for now. i would focus on getting the text retrieval stick, scheduling a polygraph and THEN exposing the affair. You can also expose the affair to the OW's family and friends. Maybe after all that is done, it might be helpful to call her.


Let him know he will need to pass one in order to stay married to you. Because if he won't, that will be evidence that he is still lying [which he is] and will be an indicator that your marriage will never work. There is no point in moving forward if he is still lying. [which he is]

A polygraph is giving him an opportunity to come clean and prove his truthfulness.


Give him a chance FIRST to do the things I mentioned. If he won't do them, then ask him to move out.

So, just to be sure I understand, it's not okay to call OW but to contact her husband? WH has told me his name several times , and darn it if I can't remember it!!

I will ask WH why he wants to move out. We are sleeping in separate bedrooms, but I know WH and DS are not getting along and it might be less stress on DS to not see his father around for a bit. It was very hard on DS to hear the truth about his dad last night. DS said to me that he is now the 'head of the house' and he is moody and stressed today

MelodyLane, The closest city that does polygraph is 1.5 hrs away; another deterent to WH getting it done. If it was me, I would fly a 1000 miles to get it done, if it meant saving the marriage. But I don't believe he wants to save the marriage!

Should I tell WH I want to contact the OW husband?

Sorry if im asking repeat questions; so much info to read and absorb. Very stressful!

That should be fine! I would get it set up for him. It is worth it.


No. Have you read the exposure thread? I would read it and create a plan to expose. Let your husband find out from others.

It is ok to call the OW, but do so AFTER your exposure. You want your exposure to be a big surprise to the cheaters.


He wants to move out so he can continue his affair. You don't need to ask because he won't tell the truth any way.

You don't expose to her...she knows what was said or done. If you are searching for answers...do you really think she will tell you the truth? She absolutely will not which will only frustrate you more. The absolute truth would have only been uncovered if you could see the texts. If they can't be recovered by the suggested methods, then he went to great lengths to make sure they couldn't be recovered.

MelodyLane, Sugarcane, skd, thanks as always for thr practical info!

Update: WH is not moving out, he's at home and hasn't said what his plans are re staying or leaving. He Didn't even mention it, and I didn't bring it up because it was a very emotionally draining day and night--WH told our DS23 last night about the marital breakdown and that it was adultery. WH has left it open for both sons to get more information on details from me, if they like. Would be better for DS to speak to their dad on these matters or does it matter?

I see the value of the text stick and polygraph, but WH is still very resistent. He did show me the final text between his first love, which he took a screen shot of and it was quite final but still not what I need from him. We talked about his contact with her and he still insists it was done only for him to get closure, and not to start an affair.

I asked WH for his first love's spouses name and he gave it to me, quite willingly! I was shocked, it was way too easy. What do you folks make of that? Alas, the spouse has a very common name and I tried to google search, phone book look up and came up with nothing for contact info or numbers. Any suggestions here? I do know the first love's mothers name, but she is elderly and unhealthy; Should I consider contacting her?

I am not giving up on our marriage, yet, but separation is what I need right now, so I have clarity on what I want to do and WH has the time alone to figure out his future on his own. We keep talking about what went wrong, how things could have been different, etc., but it's getting old and very draining.

WH plans to talk to his parents today or tomorrow and contact our church elders as well, with the intention of telling all. These two events will bring him to his knees but he is determined to see it through and take what is coming.

We are both one day at a time. I need to slow down a bit, as I can feel the stress affecting me. I start a new job on Monday, on top of everything else, and I need to focus on that.

MB counselling is still an option for us, would I attempt that before the separation?

Did you read this?

Did you check Facebook?

He should not even know about the text retrieval stick or any other truth revealing spy software.

It is VERY telling that he is resistant to taking a polygraph test. Don't you see that too?

LTL

bird, you are making strategic mistakes that will be hard to fix in the future. Right now, YOU need to be exposing the affair to your family and friends. NOT YOUR HUSBAND. This needs to be done by you without warning. YOU need to speak to his parents TODAY. Please go read my exposure thread and follow the instructions.


Of course. Can you find the OW on Facebook? I am very concerned tqht you are not being very proactive and are giving your WH and the OW time to pre-empt you. You need to step this up and get this affair exposed TODAY.


Yes, you are wasting time and I am very concerned that you are not following our advice. Now is the time to get the affair out into the open and discuss affair proofing measures such as full transparency. You should also insist on his taking a polygraph and giving you his phone so you can retrieve his deleted texts.

Bird, please follow the advice here. It is critical to your recovery. We can't help you if you don't take the advice. Expose the affair TODAY. YOURSELF.

]
These exposures should be done BY YOU, not him. YOU need to tell the kids about the affair and give them all the correct information. It is not a decision that is up to your husband.

Mam, you need to start taking control here and stop leaving your life in the hands of a selfish, reckless wayward husband. If you continue to allow him to drive the boat, you will end up crashed on the rocks. Your husband only has his own selfish interest at heart.

When my XH 'confessed' he readily gave me the first and last name of Fat Slag edition 1. It was only much later that I found out that both were invented names, not even close.

I am listening to you all! My sister clued me in as well, to all the red flags.

It is darn hard to track down people, but I am thinking of all friends and family connected to OW and remembered an acquaintance of WH who used to be married to OWs sister i called him and he knew OWs spouse from years ago and gave me OWs husbands place of work. He also told me he hasnt had contact with his exs (also OWs family ) for years, but said they are all whack jobs. He was cheated on for many years by the ex before he knew what was going on and it still grieves him.

So I called a number off the internet and asked for OWs spouse by name. They asked me what the call was about and I said it was a personal matter, mistake. She wouldnt give his number to me (he works out of a different branch I guess) but took my number to give it to him. I only gave her my first name. I hope I didnt screw this up

Please help, thnx

Can you find his workplace email address?

Can you find anybody's address in that organisation? If they all read joe.bloggs@company.com, then you can work out his own email address.

Send him an email to that workplace address saying that you need to talk to him about your husband and his wife.

I ended up calling FIL and telling him I suspect WS might be having an affair, and our marriage is in serious trouble. WH respects his dad but not his mom and it didn't occur to me to call him until a little while ago! I asked FIL to call his son. I get confused with all the information presented in these posts; did I handle it right?

I'm not getting any more info from social media; these people don't seem to be on facebook, linked up, instagram, etc. Most of the phone numbers I called didn't answer, etc. I am losing my patience! Its like they don't exist! But I will keep trying....

I also called my DS23 and asked him if he could contact his dad because I don't believe he is being completely honest and could be/ is having an affair as we we speak. He said no, he did not want to be caught up in between us. He said he would still keep in contact with him and encourage him to be completely transparent with our clergy and leave nothing on the table.

I've decided to tell WH I am making an appointment on Monday for a polygraph and he can say yes or no; if he says no then I will plan for separation within 2 weeks from that day. If he is honest and passes, then it will have been a great 'date' lol If he fails, then I was right all along.

Sugarcane, I tried for a bit to look for an email address but couldn't find anything online. He is a Union Rep and I imagine they keep stuff like pretty private. BUT I will keep looking. Thanks for the suggestion!

Folks, I read the post about polygraph and printed out some questions suggestions. I also printed from online other ideas for questions. Can I get suggestions from anyone here for questions relating to my situation or should I start a new post elsewhere?

I would call him RIGHT BACK right now and tell him you KNOW about the affair and give him your evidence. Why tell him you "suspect" an affair if you know the truth? That does not help you, your H, and will only confuse your FIL. If you :"suspect" an affair, you should not be telling anyone in the first place. You should only expose if you KNOW it for a fact.

So, go call him back.

Who else is on your list? It is critical that you expose to everyone on the same day so it hits the affairees like a tsunami. Doing a little trickle here and a little trickle there will avail you nothing and will greatly diminish the effectiveness of exposure.


Good! Keep trying and don't give up. Do you have the OW's home phone #? If so, call there, disguise your # using *67 and ask for her husband. Tell him all about the affair.


I don't understand why you are being so VAGUE? Why are you purposely confusing people? Call your son and tell him the FACTS. We told you to do this.

HE NEEDS TO GET THE TRUTH FROM YOU. Stop passing the buck, Mam.


Perfect!

Is he on linkedin?

Write out all your questions and require him to answer them TWO DAYS before the test. Based on his answers, you will then decide with the tester what 3 questions to ask him.

Mam, now is not the time to be cagey and vague. You need to follow the talking points on my exposure thread when you expose. DID YOU READ MY THREAD?

Say to them: H is having an affair with OW [give the name] According to H, this affair has gone on for XXX years. They met and had sex at a hotel on XX-XX-2015. She is also married. I am telling you to ask you to use your influence to persuade him to end his affair and work on recovering our marriage.

I just googled "name of my workplace + union rep", and among lots of other stuff, the name of one of our union reps came up, with his full job title.

Union reps exist so that members can contact them. I'd be very surprised if the reps at that organisation do not have a publicly available email address.

Have you googled "his name + name of organisation"?

Are you saying I should LIE to FIL and DS? I only know that WH/OW called each other, met in a public place and texted.

Just to clarify, Mel: the facts that bird has are confessions to several affairs 20 years ago, plus one text message and a confession from her H that he contacted this current woman, an ex girlfriend and they met. The one text that was saved shows that whatever relationship they were having was being brought to a close.

Therefore, the requests to friends and family for help need to say that her H has had several affairs, and recently contacted an ex girlfriend to start another affair. He has now decided he wants to leave the marriage, please help etc.

The exposure to her husband needs to say that bird's H and his wife, who dated 30 years ago, met each other recently. The WH is saying that they did not pursue a relationship, but the fact that this woman agreed to meet her husband gives cause for concern, especially since the WH now wants to leave the marriage. You do not know how far this relationship met, but you do know that they met without telling their spouses.

(This latter conversation would be much easier to have if you can get the other husband to call you, and speak on the phone. It would make the explanation easier, and you can quickly find out whether he knows any more than you do, and you can ask him to keep his wife away from your husband, and to inform you if he comes across any more past or future contact. )

MelodyLane, with all due respect, I am trying my darnest to find and contact people. I also have other responsibilities to look after, as we all do and this is important but I also need to shower lol

No, she is not asking you to lie. I think Mel might have misremembered those details. See my post above. Only tell people what you know for a fact - but you do know for a fact that your H has had several affairs, and he contacted that woman for a hook-up, (closure my eye), and she agreed to meet him.

I called the OW and asked for her H and she asked whose calling and I said an old friend. She is suspicious and wanted to know if I wanted to leave a message I said 'no biggy, I would try later' I think she is suspicious of something now!!! I am sooo not good at these things.

I suggest that you do not take that tone with people who have taken time away from their jobs and families (in Mel's case, on the national holiday; I'm in the UK so I'm not caught up with that, but I have been to work all day and then for a date with my husband, and here I am posting to you, after midnight) to try and help you, unless you want to see people vanish from your thread.

I found OWH full title and full name! Now to keep digging for email & ph number

I am sorry, I am so frustrated and feel like I am being blasted for not doing enough. My apologies to MelodyLane, I will be more considerate of your voluntary sacrifice to help poor people like me. Thank you so much, I do appreciate your help!!

Please I do need all your help, MelodyLane and everyone who has given freely; do not stop helping. Even though I can't keep up with all this flow of information, I am trying and have actually made some progress today. Keep fighting for the rights of us betrayed souls!!

This is something that can't be put off. You have a small window of opportunity to complete this job and then it is gone. Did you read the exposure thread? Are you asking people for help?

If you called me and told me that you "suspected" my son was having an affair, I would hang up on you. It is very important that you are more factual or people won't take you seriously. Explain to them why you believe your husband has been unfaithful just as sugarcane described.

You are not good at them, and neither are you listening to me, because I specifically warned you about leaving a message on his voicemail that would tip her off. Calling the house and speaking to her was just as bad as doing that. I warned you that she would be spinning the story to her H, and that is what she is doing now, as well as keeping him away from the phone.

You've tipped off your husband, now, too. The first thing OW will do is contact him to find out if you could have called her H, and now they will both be spinning this story about you, the crazy wife who thinks an innocent meeting over coffee was an affair.

Don't let it stop you trying to contact him directly, but please, be a lot more strategic. You can call the house again if you know for certain that she is out and he is in - but how can you know that?

Keep trying to find a workplace email address, or his personal mobile number.

OW in my case lived in another country, and all I had was her first and surname, both of which are insanely common in their country of origin. When I googled, I got a ton of stuff on other people with those names. But within 5 minutes, I found one document that tied her to my H, and it showed her mobile number and her H's mobile number, and workplace email and landline numbers for both of them, as well as their home address and home landline. The document was the minutes of a meeting, and it contained all the contact details for all the attendees. The nature of the meeting told me that she was the Mrs X that I was looking for.

It is not hard to find anyone these days. Many workplaces post their employees' contact details, and often photographs, on the website. They give a public face to their internal structures these days. Just keep looking for him.

That's not her fault. I told her to call the OW house, disguising her # and ask for the OWH.

Bird, where do these people live? How far away?

How do I change what info shows up when people dial my cell number? I have Iphone 5 I want to call back OW and if her H isn't home yet, leave a message with a fake name and say I'm an old high school friend. Could this work?

SugarCane, they live in the same city, not sure where. We are 100,000 population

Sorry - I'm reading and posting too fast, having come in late and tired.

Sorry for the confusion on your thread, bird. I'll leave you in in Mel's expert hands until morning!

Did you read my post about dialing *67 to disguise your #? I would try that and practice calling your other phone to make sure it works on your phone.

MelodyLane, yes I've been using *67, that's how I found out the OWs cell number, from WHs cell phone records. When you dial it here, you get a message saying ' your number will not be shown to the recipiant' or something like that. But I will try calling both of my phones to make sure its working! Thanks

Thanks

Thanks everyone for your advice. I won't be posting while I take some time to focus on myself and what I need to do. Please be assured I have the loving support of family, friends and my clergy to guide me, as well as the wisdom that comes from above, from my loving Heavenly Father