How many kids do you have?
If you just have the teenage daughter she could decide where to live if you divorced.
since she is 15 though, and if you suspect for any reason she would not live with you I would stick around until she is 18. you dont want your wife bringing weird boyfriends around her if you divorced.

Explorer, it sounds like there have been some gaps in your recovery plan - which is good news because you can explain this and close it up.

Exposure - was this done right first time to everyone including your kids? Your wife should know and expect that any affair she ever has will never get the cover up treatment from you. You will not help her have affairs by helping her to cover them up.

In addition to that waywards act strangely towards their children and are not careful about clues. Your kids need direction and reassurance at this confusing time.

I doubt you have done exposure because if you had you'd know how helpful and beneficial it is.

Counselling?!! No MBer goes to marriage counselling. It's a huge talking shop distraction from the job of recovery. Now she's a counsellor herself?

PoJA - every decision has two enthusiastic votes. You did not approve of counselling this kid, so why on earth did it happen?

Boundaries - she should know that intimate conversation about personal matters should never, ever, ever happen between either of you and a non relation member of the opposite sex. However inappropriate, because that's what CAUSES inappropriate affairs.

By the way, bravo for the no nonsense way you told him to buzz off.

The way you handled this really stands out to me. In all that you said to your wife, you never brought your own feelings on the subject into the conversation! You never told her that her contact with the boy was bothering you or hurting you.

Marriage Builders would actually say that you should complain about how her behavior affects your feelings. You strike me here as relying solely on your "Giver" and ignoring your "Taker," to use Dr. Harley's terms. THAT'S NOT GOOD!! That's a recipe for disaster in marriage.

You don't really need to try to lecture or educate your wife or persuade her that she is "wrong" to be developing a relationship with the kid. You need to let her know that it hurts you for her to be counseling someone of the opposite sex, that it will always hurt, and that you will not let yourself be subjected to it. This is actually more important than persuading her that she is wrong. It's also a lot more achievable.

I know you said you guys have been doing Marriage Builders perfectly up till now, but it doesn't sound that way to me. I suspect you do a lot of capitulating and sacrificing. I could be wrong. It doesn't sound like you know how to negotiate or to respectfully complain. I'm sure life has been pretty happy for you, but I'm equally sure that a lot has been lacking and you (and she) could be a lot happier.

Don't get me wrong - your wife's behavior is disgraceful and needs to be reported to the police. But YOU need to stand up for YOU.


That doesn't make any sense at all, and I can't believe anybody familiar with Marriage Builders would say that. Knowing the truth does not mess up teenagers! Where in the world would you get this idea? You certainly didn't get it from Marriage Builders, and I doubt you got it from any other reputable professional source. Knowing the truth does not mess up children; having the truth hidden from them is what messes up children. So if you hide the truth from her YOU are messing up your daughter.

So when will you be telling her?

I have posed as her and talked with him. After trying to "bait" him slightly - with no interesting results - I told him it was me.

He offered up everything, he's scared I'll come after him. After I got everything I needed from him I assured him there was no risk of that happening.

For what it's worth, convos were about how much he liked our family, how messed up his is, etc. No secret meeting talk or "let's get together" stuff.

It seems to me that both your wife and this kid are a bit too scared about being 'caught' for their conversations to be so vanilla. If I were 15 I would not think anything was wrong with a conversation like that, and wouldn't think I was getting 'caught' because I wasn't doing anything.

You only know he offered up what he offered up. You don't know he offered up everything.

So what is being done to resolve the problem here? Have you obtained the spy stick I recommended? Have your wife and the boy agreed to end contact? I don't understand your plan.

So in other words, he offered up nothing. I don't know why you believe any of this. You have to use a variety of spy methods or its too easy for them to deny. It was definitely worth trying to bait him but there was always the chance he was onto you and playing along. That's why you need more than one method.

If he really was scared of you he wouldn't have continued talking to your wife after you told him not to, so that doesn't add up either.

In fact nothing about this kid rings true. I work with teens who have very troubled home lives and they are hardly ever this keen to share when it's genuine. Especially not with girls or women. If they are, it's dangerous for them to confide in an untrained and unrelated adult taking an interest for no apparent reason. It's dangerous for both parties due to the likelihood of sex abuse or false allegations. It requires training.

If the conversations were truly innocent she would never have deleted them. The content they admit to is inappropriate anyway. no teenage boy should be discussing his feelings with a grown woman.

I would feign belief for now, but insist this stops as it bothers you. Then continue snooping as it is unlikely to stop.

If it was that easy for them to stop, and he was 'scared of you' it would have stopped already.