I am seeking some input and advice; what did you do; would you do it different now?

My spouse had a 7 month affair (however only saw her 6 times); the affair was in my backyard (meaning the places they met are all within a 15 minute radius of my house). We moved here for his job 3 months ago--which means that yes the affair started before we ever moved here. I am not sure it matters but according to their relationship he told her he was moving here for her and that were going to leave their spouses together. The first time they met in person was for his interview here (met at a hotel 3 blocks from our now home). The affair continued even after we moved here. Both said they loved each other. He swears it was all a lie and he had no intentions of ever leaving me and that he didn't move us here for her. He has cut all ties to her and is acting as if he is fully committed to making our marriage work.

So now, here I am with an affair in my marriage, I desperately want to save my marriage and am faced with the decision of do we stay in the same area as the affair or relocate?

input and advice; what did you do; would you do it different now?

Being that we literally just moved here from 1000 miles away....it will be a giant financial devastation for us to have to sell our house; pay for a new move, find jobs etc but if that is what is needed to truly save our marriage I will do it.


Can't seem to find many articles or anything on whether it is better to stay in the same area, relocate, or does it matter??

Thanks

Yes, you need to move. He did move there for the affair. He is lying about that. Go home. And expose the affair if you haven't alre.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Oh yes I have definitely exposed the affair
Even called her husband and family to let them know too.

I believe him, probably stupidly and naively, when he says he will never talk to her again but can't get past the thought of do we need to move? Having a hard time with that one.

Great job with exposure!

Is he working in the same place?

You need to get away from the triggers; not moving make recovery difficult plus a relapse is easier. I urge you to read all the articles here on immediately , then read Suviving an Affair.

I'm sorry for the reason you find yourself here. The betrayal of an affair is one of the most painful things you will ever experience.

Do you have the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley? If not, you should buy a copy and make sure it's his most recent version as it has checklists in it and chock full of a very helpful plan of recovery. It's very successful IF all the steps are followed. The pathway to recovery from an affair is very narrow.

Here's what Dr. Harley states needs to happen to recover from an affair:

Think of him as an addict. He doesn't have control over himself where this woman is concerned. He needs the added barrier of space.

Even though moving could be a big financial blow, that's what Dr. Harley would strongly advise you to do. All the conditions that made the affair possible need to be eliminated, to include moving far away from the affair partner.

Affairs are so incredibly painful that anything a couple can do to protect the marriage is worth any bother it might be.

If you stay in that area, the very proximity of the OW will be a constant source of temptation for your H and a trigger for you.

Thanks for the responses. That's how I feel but he is making me feel guilty about ripping our family out of here. Dragging our finances through the mud and moving us to who the hell knows where. He has a great job here with amazing potential not only with his job but other companies within the area. This was supposed to be our last move - we have moved a lot for his career.
I feel like he poisoned it all by bringing us here and having this affair here. One of the meetings (sex) occurred when he left work for 3 hours telling me he was going to meet a client and instead met her at a hotel. So clearly he (in my eyes) is even willing to leave work - a detail I have no ability to do anything other than believe him that it's a client etc). He never even left work to come meet with me or the kids. And not that it matters but I'm a sex starved wife. Constantly asking for sex and not getting it. Not a new thing this is a several year long thing.
So he didn't need to go anywhere for it. I would have gladly given it.

He ruined things by having an affair. He will be amazed at how a divorce will screw up the finances. If he wants total control, he can be single.

You have moved a lot for his carreer, but the last move was for his affair. I would think the next move should be for your marriage.

He is making you feel guilty because it is hard to cut the affair (addiction) loose.

If you stay, you will be triggered when you pass the hotel where they met. Every time tou are triggered, you will feel the pain of betrayal and it will cost you your marriage. He also will be triggered, and remember moments with OW. That will fuel the addiction of the affair.

If you haven't already, you should read Surviving an Affair. That is your plan to recovery. Start with the checklist LongWayFromHome posted.

The plan has two objectives. First, to end the affair/addiction and make sure nothing like that will ever happen again. Second, to make you fall in love with each other again, to create the best possible marriage.

Do you have access to his phone and/or other devices to check is there's contact? Is your husband willing to do what it takes to reccover your marriage?

Did you look through the checklist? The path to recovery is very narrow. If your marriage is to survive his infidelity, you and your husband will need to make some radical changes in your marriage.

Dr. Harley defines "survival of the marriage" very specifically as a marriage that is better than the pre-affair marriage. The "new" marriage will need to be romantic, passionate, and safe. Otherwise, your marriage will simply be a crippled version of the marriage you had before the affair.

Read through the checklist yourself first. Make sure you have done everything you are supposed to do: exposure to all your friends and family, her friends and family, and to the workplace. Then do a brief (no more than three weeks) Plan A.

If your husband will not commit to lifelong transparency and to becoming a really terrific husband, to doing his part to make the marriage wonderful, then go into Plan B.

Plan B is to protect yourself from the emotional trauma you will continue to suffer from a man who is subjecting you to guilt because you want to move away from where the OW lives. ( ) Moving away is only the first step in recovery. There are many more. Recovery from an affair is possible, but it will take a great deal of effort on both of your parts. The first thing your H needs to do is to stop making you feel guilty for the consequences the entire family is going to suffer because he had an affair.

Please get the book "Surviving an Affair." It is the best book I have ever read on the subject. The book has a PLAN, a plan that will work if you follow it.

Great analogy. Yes we need to move for our marriage.

I ordered the book today, can't wait to get it!!!

Yes I have access to all his stuff. He is very apologetic and voicing all the right things. I believe we can work this out but know we have a lot of hurdles to overcome.

Oh and yes thank you - I did look through the checklist.

So for plan a am I understanding that one of us should be moving out of the house for a short period of time?

He should leave for Plan B. For plan A, you should be the best spouse possible while standing firm against the affair and the circumstances that led to it (all the things in the checklist).

Yes, you need to move.


It will be a greater devastation when you are divorced from an ongoing affair. You missed the bullet once. I would not take that chance again.




Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html


From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.

No. You are not in Plan B.

Your WH should not be making you 'feel guilty' for any of the consequences of his affair. You are not 'ripping your family out of there.' He moved his wife and family 1000 miles to live in close proximity to his mistress. And now that he has been discovered he is blaming YOU for wanting to move away from the mistress??? That is not remorse or guilt, that is a selfish attempt to preserve the status quo. At the least it is an attempt to try and sweep this under the rug with no concern for the further anguish it will cause you.

Moving is 100% necessary for recovery, given the fact that moving there as a whole is itself a trigger. If he is not willing to do this I would prepare for separation.

I would let him have a polygraph. He has probably had more affairs. If you have been sex starved for so long and he is willing to go to great lengths to have it with another woman, this does not sound good.

Get the information first and then decide if you want to save your marriage.

He does work in the same job; but they didn't work together. He just used his job once as the "reason" and instead of meeting a client like he said he went to meet her. This happened before I found the affair.

She lives an hour away....he never once went to her town. She always drove to our town!!