I would really be interested to hear from those who did work through the affair that didn't move, even though the AP was in close proximity. How did it go?

What is your support system there?

Zip zero zilch. I had stayed behind to allow kids to finish the year out at school, pack and sell our house etc. I was only here 8 weeks before I discovered the affair and in that 8 weeks I was busy with a new house unpacking and water leak so hadn't socialized much.

I did start a new job that I love a few days before finding the affair.

Why? We are here to help you make correct decisions based on Dr. Harley's expertise, not to garner personal opinions from those who didn't follow his plan. [from people with no expertise] What typically happens when a couple does not move away from the affair partner is that the affair resumes. Surely you don't want that to happen? Your H moved to this area so he could have an affair. He and the OW are only 30 minutes away from each other and can meet each other with ease. Why would you want to take that chance?

People don't stay posting here for long if they will not take the advice of Dr Harley, so you are unlikely to hear from anybody who "worked through the affair" and still lives near the OP.

I can think of stories where the couple stayed near OP and had a miserable time. Their marriage never began to enter recovery. When the BS complains about that here, and is told to repeatedly move, they stop posting.

It's the same whenever someone claims that they are unable to follow Dr Harley's recommendations. They post here giving reason after reason why they cannot move house, change jobs, expose or do a proper Plan B.

We give Dr Harley's advice.

They tell us that they cannot do whatever.

We insist that they must.

They give us reasons why they can't.

We insist that they must.

Eventually they stop posting.

Sometimes they come back to tell us that things got worse than when they left, and that they wish they had followed the advice.

I can see some or all of this in your future.

I can think of a handful of cases where the WS remained in contact with OP via work. The BS posted here to say that they had arrangements in place for the WS to report all contact (at meetings, for example), and the WS was under strict orders not to speak to OP.

The BS was taking it on trust that they were informed of all contact, and that none of this contact involved direct conversation. None of us posters could see how that situation, with constant triggers and reminders, and constant fear of the other shoe dropping, qualified as any kind of recovery.

We can't point you to a recovered marriage where there is a continuing risk of contact with OP.

Recovering from an affair is hard enough without triggers. Essential part of the plan is no contact with the affair partner. Affairs are like addictions and waywards suffer from withdrawl. Everytime the wayward spouse sees the affair partner, withdrawl kicks in again.

If your alcoholic husband lived next door to a bar, you would want to move. Perhaps he can recover without moving, but would you risk it? Your husband doen's want to move too far away from the bar yet, because the addiction is still there.

Lots of victims of adultery have experienced false recovery. You don't want to be one of them.

Investigate your husband, waywards cannot be trusted. Install spyware on his phone, GPS on his car. Have him tested for STD's.

Depends what you mean by 'work through'. My XH dumped the fat slag the moment I confronted him with my evidence. I did not know about MB at that time so failed to do a proper exposure and neither did we move but I did a terrific plan A and thought we were in recovery.

Several months later when I was out of town for a few hours they arranged to meet up. The affair would have resumed if I had not returned early and found him missing. The addiction of an affair is incredibly intense. Unless you are prepared to handcuff yourself to him, this is going to happen to you too.

I certainly didn't mean it like that and you are 100% right. I'm subconsciously looking for a reason or way to stay only because of the fact that we just moved. If we had been in our old town there would be no question of moving or not. It just seems like such an impossible task to relocate so quick after just buying a house and moving here.

Okay but yes I know- and you are calling me out, thank you, on my denial.

So how far is far enough away to move? A few hours? Out of country

Is it not the same that they will if they want find a new woman???

Std test were all negative thank goodness

Talk to me about spyware. What's a good one. He just got a new Samsung Galaxy so we are now on android system.

Is there a certain phone that's better to track then another? Educate me here.

One thing about our situation is that all the times he met her, he was exactly where he said he would be. So even if I would have tracked him, the location wouldn't have thrown up any flags.

Ie he said he had a client meeting in city x. He indeed went to city x--- but clearly it wasn't a client he was meeting.

That was each time. So tracking his location wouldn't have done any good. He was where he said he would be but then she was meeting him for sex.


Okay and while we are talking honestly here's my dilemma (besides the obvious). We moved here for his job/affair. We have a high schooler who was very well rooted back home. The move was sheer devastation. He hasn't transitioned well to the new area and then having his parents on the verge of divorce at a time when he needed us the strongest is killing him.

So I'm torn with how to handle him. He doesn't want to have to change schools again, which I respect.

All of our family moving back to our hometown isn't an option at this point so the move will need to be to a different area.

So how do you handle this?? My son is my only apprehension to the move really.

The way I see it- he can stay with friends back home and finish this year out while I try to get us to some stability. Or he can stay in the new high school that he's not doing good at and rip him to a new school at the end of the year.

But then that's where my question of time frame comes in? How long for the move--- if we move in the next 6-9 months is that acceptable? And chances are I would have to go ahead of my family leaving ws in this area with the kids for a few months and "hope" he doesn't wrong me again.

That is an excellent idea.


ASAP. Keep in mind that every day you live there is an opportunity for the affair to resume. Hope is not a plan.


And you have hit on the very reason you must move. It is much, much too easy to conduct his affair when he is 30 minutes away.

Try to get at least 4 hours away.

Also, he needs a new job where he doesn't have any travel. He has used his job against you so it must go.

Do your kids know about the affair?

Prisca- they don't. They know mom and dad are in a bad spot but don't know why. Our oldest isn't stupid so I'm sure he's got an idea but we haven't directly told him.

4 hours and yes the travel thing with his jobs is an issue. He is in a field where travel is expected.

I would be sure and tell any children over age 4 about the affair. They probably know things and are confused. If you don't tell them the truth and give them moral guidance, they will assume you condone adultery. Giving them false explanations for the source of tension in your home just teaches them that dishonesty is acceptable. Kids can handle the truth, they can't handle lies. Lies and illusions don't make kids happy or secure, it just makes them confused and vulnerable to false explanations your WH might give them.


And you do understand that travel jobs are an invitation to affairs, right? Your marriage can't recover unless this is changed.

Please do not continue to leave your children, especially that older Son, in a perpetual state of chaotic confusion.

Obviously, he knows there is a Marital Rift.

Once you Honestly explain to him why and what is happening, then he will see the need to escape from the affair location. A Child that age still wants there Parents to stay together. He does not need the confusion.

Seriously, I am begging you to clear things up for him. He is Sooo lost right now, seeking understandable reasons why a new move would be necessary.

LTL

You are right and after getting my surviving an affair book and reading it l day long, I am realizing how he is owed a bit more truth. More so then just saying mom and dad have a big problem right now.

After researching it a little bit - I think the most honest yet not too graphic explanation is going to sound something like dad moved us here to be with his girlfriend and we want our marriage to work and that can't possibly happen if we don't move away from here.

My children literally cried with relief when I told them about their father's philandering. They sensed the tension between us and thought they were the reason. Children are very ego-centric and think that the world revolves around them. So it is only natural for them to also think the problems are their fault.

Absolutely. But I would tell him everything you know about the affair, especially the OW's name. He needs to know who the enemy of his family is. Any child 4 and over should be told.

When two people get Married, like Daddy and me, that means that they make a promise to each other to never date anyone else except Mommy. Well, your Dad had us move here so he could date Suzy The Skank, which has hurt your Moms heart more than you will ever know.

If you see your Dad with anyone else, even if he tells you to not say anything about it, or even if he says she is just a friend, please do not help him in lying and cheating and let me know right away.

LTL

P.S.
The WHOLE Truth. Not a minimized version of it.

Then, let them absorb it for a while and ask them how they feel about it.