Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 3 of 4 1 2 3 4
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 30
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 30
Hi- so for those who haven't read my other post.
The quick recap is that my husband took a job in another state 1000 miles away. We agreed and executed me staying back in our home state to allow for our kids to finish the school year, sell the house, pack the house etc. We were apart 5 months.

8 weeks after I got to our new home/state....I caught my husband having an affair. He began the affair before ever even coming to the interview for the new job. It was at that point a 6 week long phone affair which turned physical upon him coming to the area for his interview. The affair continued the entire 5 months he moved and continued for the 2 months after I got here. So in so many words he moved us here for his affair, although he will swear it was coincidence and not like it looks, and naively enough I believe him that he didn't move us here for his affair but know that I am probably being stupid to believe this.

My gut reaction is/was I don't want to lose my marriage. However, as I process through this a bit I am uncertain if I want to save the marriage and when I voice that to him he is getting unreasonably upset.

I feel like the affair I can work past BUT I don't know if I can or want to work past the fact that he left me in sheer hell to pack a 3000 sq ft house, raise our kids, sell the house and move it etc. During this time he came home only once, despite me begging, then he never called the kids. Literally we argued about how he wasn't calling the kids and saying good night. Meanwhile he would screen shot those text and send them to his mistress and they would talk s**t about me.

So I am just not sure if he is the sort of person I want to be with. I feel like he did the unthinkable during a time we needed him most and that I had to do the impossible and made it happen. Then he brings me to a very unstable life and is actively having an affair.

So I want time. I want to live apart for a little bit and take time to process if he is even a person I like let alone want to stay married to. He is getting very upset at me saying this and is beginning to threaten lawyers and stuff.

I am a SAHM and he is a six figure salary so I have zero finances. I asked him to sign an agreement for child support and he went ballistic threatening attorney.

On a side note- this affair comes on the heels of many years of me voicing how I was unfulfilled in the marriage and voicing my unhappiness. Begging him to go on a date etc with me and him rejecting me. So i feel like if anyone was feeling void and vulnerable to an affair it was me---but I upheld my end of the bargain.



Thoughts/advice?

Last edited by nomoreaffair; 08/31/15 02:26 PM.
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 30
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 30
I should add, that according to him there has been zero contact with the OW and he has no desire to ever see her again etc. But as far as I know there's been zero contact and he is voicing and has actions to show he wants to fix the marriage and make us whole again.

Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
U
Member
Offline
Member
U
Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 3,197
You should stay on one thread. Creating multiple threads makes it difficult to follow your story and provide appropriate advise.

Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 30
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 30
Thanks. I wasn't sure if it was easier to start new one since it is a different topic

Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 30
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 30
I posted this on another thread and was told I should keep it posted here. I don't know how to delete my other thread but am posting here now like I was told to do.


Hi- so for those who haven't read my other post.
The quick recap is that my husband took a job in another state 1000 miles away. We agreed and executed me staying back in our home state to allow for our kids to finish the school year, sell the house, pack the house etc. We were apart 5 months.

8 weeks after I got to our new home/state....I caught my husband having an affair. He began the affair before ever even coming to the interview for the new job. It was at that point a 6 week long phone affair which turned physical upon him coming to the area for his interview. The affair continued the entire 5 months he moved and continued for the 2 months after I got here. So in so many words he moved us here for his affair, although he will swear it was coincidence and not like it looks, and naively enough I believe him that he didn't move us here for his affair but know that I am probably being stupid to believe this.

My gut reaction is/was I don't want to lose my marriage. However, as I process through this a bit I am uncertain if I want to save the marriage and when I voice that to him he is getting unreasonably upset.

I feel like the affair I can work past BUT I don't know if I can or want to work past the fact that he left me in sheer hell to pack a 3000 sq ft house, raise our kids, sell the house and move it etc. During this time he came home only once, despite me begging, then he never called the kids. Literally we argued about how he wasn't calling the kids and saying good night. Meanwhile he would screen shot those text and send them to his mistress and they would talk s**t about me.

So I am just not sure if he is the sort of person I want to be with. I feel like he did the unthinkable during a time we needed him most and that I had to do the impossible and made it happen. Then he brings me to a very unstable life and is actively having an affair.

So I want time. I want to live apart for a little bit and take time to process if he is even a person I like let alone want to stay married to. He is getting very upset at me saying this and is beginning to threaten lawyers and stuff.

I am a SAHM and he is a six figure salary so I have zero finances. I asked him to sign an agreement for child support and he went ballistic threatening attorney.

On a side note- this affair comes on the heels of many years of me voicing how I was unfulfilled in the marriage and voicing my unhappiness. Begging him to go on a date etc with me and him rejecting me. So i feel like if anyone was feeling void and vulnerable to an affair it was me---but I upheld my end of the bargain.



Thoughts/advice?

ps- according to husband he has had zero contact with her and has no desire to have contact with her. I obviously can't prove this but that is what he is telling me

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by nomoreaffair
So I want time. I want to live apart for a little bit and take time to process if he is even a person I like let alone want to stay married to. He is getting very upset at me saying this and is beginning to threaten lawyers and stuff.

I am a SAHM and he is a six figure salary so I have zero finances. I asked him to sign an agreement for child support and he went ballistic threatening attorney.

On a side note- this affair comes on the heels of many years of me voicing how I was unfulfilled in the marriage and voicing my unhappiness. Begging him to go on a date etc with me and him rejecting me. So i feel like if anyone was feeling void and vulnerable to an affair it was me---but I upheld my end of the bargain.

These are all very valid points. No one here would criticize you if you decided not to save your marriage. We are here to help if you decide you do want to save it. It is very unlikely that any judge would not force him to continue to pay your bills, give you alimony and child support. I would not ask him to sign anything until you have consulted with an attorney.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by nomoreaffair
I should add, that according to him there has been zero contact with the OW and he has no desire to ever see her again etc. But as far as I know there's been zero contact and he is voicing and has actions to show he wants to fix the marriage and make us whole again.

You should completely ignore his "words" and only go by what you can verify. Words mean nothing. ALL waywards say they have "no desire" to see their affair partner again. All alcoholics say they have "no desire" to drink again. ..........until they do.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 789
Likes: 4
G
Member
Offline
Member
G
Joined: Jun 2015
Posts: 789
Likes: 4
How did you find out about his affair? You need to know the anatomy of the affair. One ugly fact about affairs - there's always more then when you first discovered. Can you dig into his phone records to see if there has been a previous affair? My guess is either he dd it before or the affair started earlier.

Also, him going ballistic is a sign the affair isn't over yet. He is probably still in contact and definately still addicted.

And you should see a lawyer.

You are on a nasty emotional rollercoaster. Don't act on emotions, act on good sense. On this forum you get sensible support. The plan is to help you recover and prepare for the future. Wether or not you want to divorce, the first steps are the same: gather as much info as possible and kill the affair. Snoop and expose.

A person havving an affair is like an alien/alcoholig/druggie. It is like your husband is posessed. The plan "surviving an affair" is like exorcism. If the affair is killed, you might get your real husband back. If you follow the marriagebuilders plan, he will be a better husband then before. That is the only way you can overcome the affair, if he takes responsibility and applies MB principles.

It is not an easy road, nor a short one.

Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 30
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 30
I found out about his affair because she texted him one day when I had his phone...the text was enough of a text to let me know that this was not a wrong number and that the affair had been going on for 7 months-which meant it started before he moved us here. frown

I have dug and dug. No evidence or admitting to a prior affair. I do believe this is "it".

I have exposed the living sh*t out of it. I even took the liberty of exposing it to all her friends and family for her smile including her husband smile

All of our friends, neighbors, family knows etc.

I love him dearly and never pictured my life without him but I am now operating not out of emotion but out of "integrity" and really questioning if this is the type of person I want to devote my world too.

Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 30
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 30
Oh and he is saying that he is going "ballistic" because I have given up and am basically having him sign divorce papers. I am trying to explain that I just want a little bit of security if things don't work.

If I have to fight a divorce etc I want it to be back in my home state where I have support and he is making it known that he will fight me leaving with the kids.

Right now, since my new state doesn't have jurisdiction, he can't stop me from returning. I want to stay and give it a shot but then I will lose my ability to leave if he fights it. So I just want him to sign the papers showing that he has some trust and integrity and is going to do the right thing if we don't work out. Basically give me a little bit of a pillow to rest on right now. Otherwise, I have to pack up and leave....

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Are you meeting with a lawyer?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 13
K
Junior Member
Offline
Junior Member
K
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 13
I learned the hard way that a wayward spouse, in the fog will tell you anything you want to hear. Until the fog has lifted you are well served to remember that your spouse DOES NOT have your interests in mind.

Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 30
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 30
I have met with an atty at this point. frown

UGH how...how do you work past such hurt and betrayal and why?

I can't figure out why not just start fresh with someone who hasn't betrayed you, done the unthinkable to you?

Why stay in a situation where someone stooped to such lows??

I can't get the thought out of my head what happens the next time when he is "not himself" and will he then do the same thing?

It sucks that you can make the decision to be right and good and someone can wreck your world in the blink of an eye.

So disrespectful...

Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Aug 2011
Posts: 1,433
Originally Posted by nomoreaffair
I have met with an atty at this point. frown

UGH how...how do you work past such hurt and betrayal and why?

I can't figure out why not just start fresh with someone who hasn't betrayed you, done the unthinkable to you?

Why stay in a situation where someone stooped to such lows??

I can't get the thought out of my head what happens the next time when he is "not himself" and will he then do the same thing?

It sucks that you can make the decision to be right and good and someone can wreck your world in the blink of an eye.

So disrespectful...
Why try to recover? Because you can still have a romantic, fulfilling marriage with your spouse. Those of us who have recovered know this is true. If you think that all of those who fall into affairs are somehow different than the rest of the human race, you are mistaken. Everyone has the potential to have an affair if they don't take precautions to prevent them. You will burn through the entire male population of the world trying to find someone who will never betray you under any possible condition. So, the reason to recover with your present WH is simply this - he represents your best chance for future happiness. Unfortunately, he also represents your most likely source of future pain. Intimacy comes with vulnerability. That is why you should look to MB principles to help you rebuild your marriage into one where you will feel safe and happy.


me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 552
Z
Member
Offline
Member
Z
Joined: Oct 2011
Posts: 552
You need to move away from there no matter what. It sounds like you're considering staying there to work on the marriage? Let me guess...he is telling you that you can work things out in your new location. NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

You're going to have to move away from there no matter what!

This guy doesn't sound like he's committed to you and your kids right now. He's desperately trying to protect himself...his job...his new home...his mistress (most likely based on his behavior) and the status quo which sounds like it's been pretty great for him up to now.

Get out of there! leave him and let him follow you. Go soon so that he's unable to prevent you legally. He has NO foot to stand on here. Tell him "this is what it will take to keep me in the marriage" no ifs ands or buts.

I'm so sorry. I know how awful this is and the resentment can be a real killer. He needs to be on hand and knee, doing everything you need to feel safe again.

You are within your rights to end your marriage. Start thinking about what will help you heal. You need help and you need it now. If he isn't being helpful, get the space you need.

#2865242 09/06/15 07:18 PM
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 30
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 30
I am struggling with whether to stay in my marriage or go. After fighting for my marriage for 8 years and getting rejected over and over again my husband did the unthinkable and at the most unthinkable time.

I'm angry and beside myself that he moved us to his affair town. That he kissed me goodbye knowing he was going to meet her for sex especially upsetting know thag I constantly begged for more sex so I gladly would have rocked his world.
I'm upset that he completely abandoned me and the kids and left us to do the impossible so he could come ahead and start the new job. He literally left U.S. and meanwhile had his mistress in the new town keeping him good company.
I'm angry that he was screen shotting my text messages that I would send to him pleading with him to come home and help a bit or call his kids etc. He would send them to her and they would berate me something vile. He sent nude pics to her. Something I've tried to do with him for years and he wouldn't. He told her he loved her and didn't love me. He says its all lies and he never meant any of it.
I'm angry that I gave my career up to support him growing in his and then shortly after moving here I learn that he had a mistress here.

He's done everything right since then and if he's being honest says he hasn't spoken to her. But he wants a firm committment from me now and I'm not sure I want to be with him. He's worried I'm going to go out and meet guys etc. So he's keeping a tight leash on me out of fear. He is doing lots of good things but im angry.

How do you/why did you decide to stay instead of going. Instead of allowing yourself a relationship that they hadn't betrayed you.

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Is his affair over?

Has he done everything on this list?
From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2865250 09/06/15 09:14 PM
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
Has he given you just compensation?

What is Just Compensation?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2865252 09/06/15 09:31 PM
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 30
N
Member
OP Offline
Member
N
Joined: Aug 2015
Posts: 30
Hi yes all those items have been done with the exception of moving. Working on that one.

i think he is doing a pretty good job of attempting Just compensation

Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,433
Likes: 4
How many months have you been in recovery?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



Page 3 of 4 1 2 3 4

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 1,352 guests, and 57 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5