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I am seeking some input and advice; what did you do; would you do it different now?

My spouse had a 7 month affair (however only saw her 6 times); the affair was in my backyard (meaning the places they met are all within a 15 minute radius of my house). We moved here for his job 3 months ago--which means that yes the affair started before we ever moved here. I am not sure it matters but according to their relationship he told her he was moving here for her and that were going to leave their spouses together. The first time they met in person was for his interview here (met at a hotel 3 blocks from our now home). The affair continued even after we moved here. Both said they loved each other. He swears it was all a lie and he had no intentions of ever leaving me and that he didn't move us here for her. He has cut all ties to her and is acting as if he is fully committed to making our marriage work.

So now, here I am with an affair in my marriage, I desperately want to save my marriage and am faced with the decision of do we stay in the same area as the affair or relocate?

input and advice; what did you do; would you do it different now?

Being that we literally just moved here from 1000 miles away....it will be a giant financial devastation for us to have to sell our house; pay for a new move, find jobs etc but if that is what is needed to truly save our marriage I will do it.


Can't seem to find many articles or anything on whether it is better to stay in the same area, relocate, or does it matter??

Thanks

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Yes, you need to move. He did move there for the affair. He is lying about that. Go home. And expose the affair if you haven't alre.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

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Oh yes I have definitely exposed the affair smile
Even called her husband and family to let them know too.

I believe him, probably stupidly and naively, when he says he will never talk to her again but can't get past the thought of do we need to move? Having a hard time with that one.

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Great job with exposure!

Is he working in the same place?

You need to get away from the triggers; not moving make recovery difficult plus a relapse is easier. I urge you to read all the articles here on immediately , then read Suviving an Affair.

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Originally Posted by nomoreaffair
Oh yes I have definitely exposed the affair smile
Even called her husband and family to let them know too.

I believe him, probably stupidly and naively, when he says he will never talk to her again but can't get past the thought of do we need to move? Having a hard time with that one.

I'm sorry for the reason you find yourself here. The betrayal of an affair is one of the most painful things you will ever experience.

Do you have the book "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Willard Harley? If not, you should buy a copy and make sure it's his most recent version as it has checklists in it and chock full of a very helpful plan of recovery. It's very successful IF all the steps are followed. The pathway to recovery from an affair is very narrow.

Here's what Dr. Harley states needs to happen to recover from an affair:

Originally Posted by Dr. Harley, Surviving an Affair
From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.


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Think of him as an addict. He doesn't have control over himself where this woman is concerned. He needs the added barrier of space.

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Even though moving could be a big financial blow, that's what Dr. Harley would strongly advise you to do. All the conditions that made the affair possible need to be eliminated, to include moving far away from the affair partner.

Affairs are so incredibly painful that anything a couple can do to protect the marriage is worth any bother it might be.

If you stay in that area, the very proximity of the OW will be a constant source of temptation for your H and a trigger for you.



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Thanks for the responses. That's how I feel but he is making me feel guilty about ripping our family out of here. Dragging our finances through the mud and moving us to who the hell knows where. He has a great job here with amazing potential not only with his job but other companies within the area. This was supposed to be our last move - we have moved a lot for his career.
I feel like he poisoned it all by bringing us here and having this affair here. One of the meetings (sex) occurred when he left work for 3 hours telling me he was going to meet a client and instead met her at a hotel. So clearly he (in my eyes) is even willing to leave work - a detail I have no ability to do anything other than believe him that it's a client etc). He never even left work to come meet with me or the kids. And not that it matters but I'm a sex starved wife. Constantly asking for sex and not getting it. Not a new thing this is a several year long thing.
So he didn't need to go anywhere for it. I would have gladly given it.

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He ruined things by having an affair. He will be amazed at how a divorce will screw up the finances. If he wants total control, he can be single.

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You have moved a lot for his carreer, but the last move was for his affair. I would think the next move should be for your marriage.

He is making you feel guilty because it is hard to cut the affair (addiction) loose.

If you stay, you will be triggered when you pass the hotel where they met. Every time tou are triggered, you will feel the pain of betrayal and it will cost you your marriage. He also will be triggered, and remember moments with OW. That will fuel the addiction of the affair.

If you haven't already, you should read Surviving an Affair. That is your plan to recovery. Start with the checklist LongWayFromHome posted.

The plan has two objectives. First, to end the affair/addiction and make sure nothing like that will ever happen again. Second, to make you fall in love with each other again, to create the best possible marriage.

Do you have access to his phone and/or other devices to check is there's contact? Is your husband willing to do what it takes to reccover your marriage?

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Originally Posted by nomoreaffair
Thanks for the responses. That's how I feel but he is making me feel guilty about ripping our family out of here. Dragging our finances through the mud and moving us to who the hell knows where. He has a great job here with amazing potential not only with his job but other companies within the area. This was supposed to be our last move - we have moved a lot for his career.
I feel like he poisoned it all by bringing us here and having this affair here. One of the meetings (sex) occurred when he left work for 3 hours telling me he was going to meet a client and instead met her at a hotel. So clearly he (in my eyes) is even willing to leave work - a detail I have no ability to do anything other than believe him that it's a client etc). He never even left work to come meet with me or the kids. And not that it matters but I'm a sex starved wife. Constantly asking for sex and not getting it. Not a new thing this is a several year long thing.
So he didn't need to go anywhere for it. I would have gladly given it.

Did you look through the checklist? The path to recovery is very narrow. If your marriage is to survive his infidelity, you and your husband will need to make some radical changes in your marriage.

Dr. Harley defines "survival of the marriage" very specifically as a marriage that is better than the pre-affair marriage. The "new" marriage will need to be romantic, passionate, and safe. Otherwise, your marriage will simply be a crippled version of the marriage you had before the affair.

Read through the checklist yourself first. Make sure you have done everything you are supposed to do: exposure to all your friends and family, her friends and family, and to the workplace. Then do a brief (no more than three weeks) Plan A.

If your husband will not commit to lifelong transparency and to becoming a really terrific husband, to doing his part to make the marriage wonderful, then go into Plan B.

Plan B is to protect yourself from the emotional trauma you will continue to suffer from a man who is subjecting you to guilt because you want to move away from where the OW lives. ( faint) Moving away is only the first step in recovery. There are many more. Recovery from an affair is possible, but it will take a great deal of effort on both of your parts. The first thing your H needs to do is to stop making you feel guilty for the consequences the entire family is going to suffer because he had an affair.

Please get the book "Surviving an Affair." It is the best book I have ever read on the subject. The book has a PLAN, a plan that will work if you follow it.


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Great analogy. Yes we need to move for our marriage.

I ordered the book today, can't wait to get it!!!

Yes I have access to all his stuff. He is very apologetic and voicing all the right things. I believe we can work this out but know we have a lot of hurdles to overcome.

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Oh and yes thank you - I did look through the checklist.

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So for plan a am I understanding that one of us should be moving out of the house for a short period of time?

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He should leave for Plan B. For plan A, you should be the best spouse possible while standing firm against the affair and the circumstances that led to it (all the things in the checklist).


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Originally Posted by nomoreaffair
So now, here I am with an affair in my marriage, I desperately want to save my marriage and am faced with the decision of do we stay in the same area as the affair or relocate?

Yes, you need to move.

Quote
Being that we literally just moved here from 1000 miles away....it will be a giant financial devastation for us to have to sell our house; pay for a new move, find jobs etc but if that is what is needed to truly save our marriage I will do it.

It will be a greater devastation when you are divorced from an ongoing affair. You missed the bullet once. I would not take that chance again.


Quote
Can't seem to find many articles or anything on whether it is better to stay in the same area, relocate, or does it matter??

Thanks

Originally Posted by Dr Bill Harley
In spite of career sacrifices, friendships, and issues relating to children's schooling, I am adamant in recommending that there be no contact with a former lover for life. For many, that means a move to another state. But to do otherwise fails to recognize the nature of addiction and its cure.

<snip>

We don't know if R.J. still sees his lover, but he says he has broken off all contact. In many cases where a person is still in town, that's hard to prove. But one thing's for sure, if he ever does see his lover, it will put him in a state of perpetual withdrawal from his addiction, and make the resolution of his marriage essentially impossible. In fact, one of the reasons he is not recovering after three months of separation may be that he is not being truthful about the separation.

Entire article at: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5060_qa.html

Quote
How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. He must certainly not work with his former lover and should probably live in some other city or state. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.




"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by nomoreaffair
So for plan a am I understanding that one of us should be moving out of the house for a short period of time?

No. You are not in Plan B.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Your WH should not be making you 'feel guilty' for any of the consequences of his affair. You are not 'ripping your family out of there.' He moved his wife and family 1000 miles to live in close proximity to his mistress. And now that he has been discovered he is blaming YOU for wanting to move away from the mistress??? That is not remorse or guilt, that is a selfish attempt to preserve the status quo. At the least it is an attempt to try and sweep this under the rug with no concern for the further anguish it will cause you.

Moving is 100% necessary for recovery, given the fact that moving there as a whole is itself a trigger. If he is not willing to do this I would prepare for separation.

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I would let him have a polygraph. He has probably had more affairs. If you have been sex starved for so long and he is willing to go to great lengths to have it with another woman, this does not sound good.

Get the information first and then decide if you want to save your marriage.


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He does work in the same job; but they didn't work together. He just used his job once as the "reason" and instead of meeting a client like he said he went to meet her. This happened before I found the affair.

She lives an hour away....he never once went to her town. She always drove to our town!!


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I would really be interested to hear from those who did work through the affair that didn't move, even though the AP was in close proximity. How did it go?


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What is your support system there?

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Zip zero zilch. I had stayed behind to allow kids to finish the year out at school, pack and sell our house etc. I was only here 8 weeks before I discovered the affair and in that 8 weeks I was busy with a new house unpacking and water leak so hadn't socialized much.

I did start a new job that I love a few days before finding the affair.

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Originally Posted by nomoreaffair
I would really be interested to hear from those who did work through the affair that didn't move, even though the AP was in close proximity. How did it go?

Why? We are here to help you make correct decisions based on Dr. Harley's expertise, not to garner personal opinions from those who didn't follow his plan. [from people with no expertise] What typically happens when a couple does not move away from the affair partner is that the affair resumes. Surely you don't want that to happen? Your H moved to this area so he could have an affair. He and the OW are only 30 minutes away from each other and can meet each other with ease. Why would you want to take that chance?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by nomoreaffair
I would really be interested to hear from those who did work through the affair that didn't move, even though the AP was in close proximity. How did it go?
People don't stay posting here for long if they will not take the advice of Dr Harley, so you are unlikely to hear from anybody who "worked through the affair" and still lives near the OP.

I can think of stories where the couple stayed near OP and had a miserable time. Their marriage never began to enter recovery. When the BS complains about that here, and is told to repeatedly move, they stop posting.

It's the same whenever someone claims that they are unable to follow Dr Harley's recommendations. They post here giving reason after reason why they cannot move house, change jobs, expose or do a proper Plan B.

We give Dr Harley's advice.

They tell us that they cannot do whatever.

We insist that they must.

They give us reasons why they can't.

We insist that they must.

Eventually they stop posting.

Sometimes they come back to tell us that things got worse than when they left, and that they wish they had followed the advice.

I can see some or all of this in your future.

I can think of a handful of cases where the WS remained in contact with OP via work. The BS posted here to say that they had arrangements in place for the WS to report all contact (at meetings, for example), and the WS was under strict orders not to speak to OP.

The BS was taking it on trust that they were informed of all contact, and that none of this contact involved direct conversation. None of us posters could see how that situation, with constant triggers and reminders, and constant fear of the other shoe dropping, qualified as any kind of recovery.

We can't point you to a recovered marriage where there is a continuing risk of contact with OP.


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Recovering from an affair is hard enough without triggers. Essential part of the plan is no contact with the affair partner. Affairs are like addictions and waywards suffer from withdrawl. Everytime the wayward spouse sees the affair partner, withdrawl kicks in again.

If your alcoholic husband lived next door to a bar, you would want to move. Perhaps he can recover without moving, but would you risk it? Your husband doen's want to move too far away from the bar yet, because the addiction is still there.

Lots of victims of adultery have experienced false recovery. You don't want to be one of them.

Investigate your husband, waywards cannot be trusted. Install spyware on his phone, GPS on his car. Have him tested for STD's.

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Originally Posted by nomoreaffair
I would really be interested to hear from those who did work through the affair that didn't move, even though the AP was in close proximity. How did it go?


Depends what you mean by 'work through'. My XH dumped the fat slag the moment I confronted him with my evidence. I did not know about MB at that time so failed to do a proper exposure and neither did we move but I did a terrific plan A and thought we were in recovery.

Several months later when I was out of town for a few hours they arranged to meet up. The affair would have resumed if I had not returned early and found him missing. The addiction of an affair is incredibly intense. Unless you are prepared to handcuff yourself to him, this is going to happen to you too.


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I certainly didn't mean it like that and you are 100% right. I'm subconsciously looking for a reason or way to stay only because of the fact that we just moved. If we had been in our old town there would be no question of moving or not. It just seems like such an impossible task to relocate so quick after just buying a house and moving here.

Okay but yes I know- and you are calling me out, thank you, on my denial.

So how far is far enough away to move? A few hours? Out of country smile

Is it not the same that they will if they want find a new woman???

Std test were all negative thank goodness

Talk to me about spyware. What's a good one. He just got a new Samsung Galaxy so we are now on android system.

Is there a certain phone that's better to track then another? Educate me here.

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One thing about our situation is that all the times he met her, he was exactly where he said he would be. So even if I would have tracked him, the location wouldn't have thrown up any flags.

Ie he said he had a client meeting in city x. He indeed went to city x--- but clearly it wasn't a client he was meeting.

That was each time. So tracking his location wouldn't have done any good. He was where he said he would be but then she was meeting him for sex.


Okay and while we are talking honestly here's my dilemma (besides the obvious). We moved here for his job/affair. We have a high schooler who was very well rooted back home. The move was sheer devastation. He hasn't transitioned well to the new area and then having his parents on the verge of divorce at a time when he needed us the strongest is killing him.

So I'm torn with how to handle him. He doesn't want to have to change schools again, which I respect.

All of our family moving back to our hometown isn't an option at this point so the move will need to be to a different area.

So how do you handle this?? My son is my only apprehension to the move really.

The way I see it- he can stay with friends back home and finish this year out while I try to get us to some stability. Or he can stay in the new high school that he's not doing good at and rip him to a new school at the end of the year.

But then that's where my question of time frame comes in? How long for the move--- if we move in the next 6-9 months is that acceptable? And chances are I would have to go ahead of my family leaving ws in this area with the kids for a few months and "hope" he doesn't wrong me again.

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Originally Posted by nomoreaffair
The way I see it- he can stay with friends back home and finish this year out while I try to get us to some stability. Or he can stay in the new high school that he's not doing good at and rip him to a new school at the end of the year.

That is an excellent idea.

Quote
But then that's where my question of time frame comes in? How long for the move--- if we move in the next 6-9 months is that acceptable? And chances are I would have to go ahead of my family leaving ws in this area with the kids for a few months and "hope" he doesn't wrong me again.

ASAP. Keep in mind that every day you live there is an opportunity for the affair to resume. Hope is not a plan.

Quote
One thing about our situation is that all the times he met her, he was exactly where he said he would be. So even if I would have tracked him, the location wouldn't have thrown up any flags.

And you have hit on the very reason you must move. It is much, much too easy to conduct his affair when he is 30 minutes away.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by nomoreaffair
ISo how far is far enough away to move? A few hours? Out of country smile

Try to get at least 4 hours away.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Also, he needs a new job where he doesn't have any travel. He has used his job against you so it must go.

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So I'm torn with how to handle him. He doesn't want to have to change schools again, which I respect.
Do your kids know about the affair?


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8 kids ...
What to do with an Angry Husband

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Prisca- they don't. They know mom and dad are in a bad spot but don't know why. Our oldest isn't stupid so I'm sure he's got an idea but we haven't directly told him.

4 hours and yes the travel thing with his jobs is an issue. He is in a field where travel is expected.

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Originally Posted by nomoreaffair
Prisca- they don't. They know mom and dad are in a bad spot but don't know why. Our oldest isn't stupid so I'm sure he's got an idea but we haven't directly told him.

I would be sure and tell any children over age 4 about the affair. They probably know things and are confused. If you don't tell them the truth and give them moral guidance, they will assume you condone adultery. Giving them false explanations for the source of tension in your home just teaches them that dishonesty is acceptable. Kids can handle the truth, they can't handle lies. Lies and illusions don't make kids happy or secure, it just makes them confused and vulnerable to false explanations your WH might give them.

Quote
4 hours and yes the travel thing with his jobs is an issue. He is in a field where travel is expected.

And you do understand that travel jobs are an invitation to affairs, right? Your marriage can't recover unless this is changed.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

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Originally Posted by nomoreaffair
Prisca- they don't. They know mom and dad are in a bad spot but don't know why. Our oldest isn't stupid so I'm sure he's got an idea but we haven't directly told him.

4 hours and yes the travel thing with his jobs is an issue. He is in a field where travel is expected.

Please do not continue to leave your children, especially that older Son, in a perpetual state of chaotic confusion.

Obviously, he knows there is a Marital Rift.

Once you Honestly explain to him why and what is happening, then he will see the need to escape from the affair location. A Child that age still wants there Parents to stay together. He does not need the confusion.

Seriously, I am begging you to clear things up for him. He is Sooo lost right now, seeking understandable reasons why a new move would be necessary.

LTL

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You are right and after getting my surviving an affair book and reading it l day long, I am realizing how he is owed a bit more truth. More so then just saying mom and dad have a big problem right now.

After researching it a little bit - I think the most honest yet not too graphic explanation is going to sound something like dad moved us here to be with his girlfriend and we want our marriage to work and that can't possibly happen if we don't move away from here.

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Originally Posted by LearnedTooLate
Originally Posted by nomoreaffair
Prisca- they don't. They know mom and dad are in a bad spot but don't know why. Our oldest isn't stupid so I'm sure he's got an idea but we haven't directly told him.

4 hours and yes the travel thing with his jobs is an issue. He is in a field where travel is expected.

Please do not continue to leave your children, especially that older Son, in a perpetual state of chaotic confusion.

Obviously, he knows there is a Marital Rift.

Once you Honestly explain to him why and what is happening, then he will see the need to escape from the affair location. A Child that age still wants there Parents to stay together. He does not need the confusion.

Seriously, I am begging you to clear things up for him. He is Sooo lost right now, seeking understandable reasons why a new move would be necessary.

LTL


My children literally cried with relief when I told them about their father's philandering. They sensed the tension between us and thought they were the reason. Children are very ego-centric and think that the world revolves around them. So it is only natural for them to also think the problems are their fault.


3 adult children
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Now remarried, thank you MB
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Originally Posted by nomoreaffair
You are right and after getting my surviving an affair book and reading it l day long, I am realizing how he is owed a bit more truth. More so then just saying mom and dad have a big problem right now.

After researching it a little bit - I think the most honest yet not too graphic explanation is going to sound something like dad moved us here to be with his girlfriend and we want our marriage to work and that can't possibly happen if we don't move away from here.

Absolutely. But I would tell him everything you know about the affair, especially the OW's name. He needs to know who the enemy of his family is. Any child 4 and over should be told.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by nomoreaffair
You are right and after getting my surviving an affair book and reading it l day long, I am realizing how he is owed a bit more truth. More so then just saying mom and dad have a big problem right now.

After researching it a little bit - I think the most honest yet not too graphic explanation is going to sound something like dad moved us here to be with his girlfriend and we want our marriage to work and that can't possibly happen if we don't move away from here.

When two people get Married, like Daddy and me, that means that they make a promise to each other to never date anyone else except Mommy. Well, your Dad had us move here so he could date Suzy The Skank, which has hurt your Moms heart more than you will ever know.

If you see your Dad with anyone else, even if he tells you to not say anything about it, or even if he says she is just a friend, please do not help him in lying and cheating and let me know right away.

LTL

P.S.
The WHOLE Truth. Not a minimized version of it.

Then, let them absorb it for a while and ask them how they feel about it.

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Hi- so for those who haven't read my other post.
The quick recap is that my husband took a job in another state 1000 miles away. We agreed and executed me staying back in our home state to allow for our kids to finish the school year, sell the house, pack the house etc. We were apart 5 months.

8 weeks after I got to our new home/state....I caught my husband having an affair. He began the affair before ever even coming to the interview for the new job. It was at that point a 6 week long phone affair which turned physical upon him coming to the area for his interview. The affair continued the entire 5 months he moved and continued for the 2 months after I got here. So in so many words he moved us here for his affair, although he will swear it was coincidence and not like it looks, and naively enough I believe him that he didn't move us here for his affair but know that I am probably being stupid to believe this.

My gut reaction is/was I don't want to lose my marriage. However, as I process through this a bit I am uncertain if I want to save the marriage and when I voice that to him he is getting unreasonably upset.

I feel like the affair I can work past BUT I don't know if I can or want to work past the fact that he left me in sheer hell to pack a 3000 sq ft house, raise our kids, sell the house and move it etc. During this time he came home only once, despite me begging, then he never called the kids. Literally we argued about how he wasn't calling the kids and saying good night. Meanwhile he would screen shot those text and send them to his mistress and they would talk s**t about me.

So I am just not sure if he is the sort of person I want to be with. I feel like he did the unthinkable during a time we needed him most and that I had to do the impossible and made it happen. Then he brings me to a very unstable life and is actively having an affair.

So I want time. I want to live apart for a little bit and take time to process if he is even a person I like let alone want to stay married to. He is getting very upset at me saying this and is beginning to threaten lawyers and stuff.

I am a SAHM and he is a six figure salary so I have zero finances. I asked him to sign an agreement for child support and he went ballistic threatening attorney.

On a side note- this affair comes on the heels of many years of me voicing how I was unfulfilled in the marriage and voicing my unhappiness. Begging him to go on a date etc with me and him rejecting me. So i feel like if anyone was feeling void and vulnerable to an affair it was me---but I upheld my end of the bargain.



Thoughts/advice?

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I should add, that according to him there has been zero contact with the OW and he has no desire to ever see her again etc. But as far as I know there's been zero contact and he is voicing and has actions to show he wants to fix the marriage and make us whole again.

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You should stay on one thread. Creating multiple threads makes it difficult to follow your story and provide appropriate advise.

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Thanks. I wasn't sure if it was easier to start new one since it is a different topic

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I posted this on another thread and was told I should keep it posted here. I don't know how to delete my other thread but am posting here now like I was told to do.


Hi- so for those who haven't read my other post.
The quick recap is that my husband took a job in another state 1000 miles away. We agreed and executed me staying back in our home state to allow for our kids to finish the school year, sell the house, pack the house etc. We were apart 5 months.

8 weeks after I got to our new home/state....I caught my husband having an affair. He began the affair before ever even coming to the interview for the new job. It was at that point a 6 week long phone affair which turned physical upon him coming to the area for his interview. The affair continued the entire 5 months he moved and continued for the 2 months after I got here. So in so many words he moved us here for his affair, although he will swear it was coincidence and not like it looks, and naively enough I believe him that he didn't move us here for his affair but know that I am probably being stupid to believe this.

My gut reaction is/was I don't want to lose my marriage. However, as I process through this a bit I am uncertain if I want to save the marriage and when I voice that to him he is getting unreasonably upset.

I feel like the affair I can work past BUT I don't know if I can or want to work past the fact that he left me in sheer hell to pack a 3000 sq ft house, raise our kids, sell the house and move it etc. During this time he came home only once, despite me begging, then he never called the kids. Literally we argued about how he wasn't calling the kids and saying good night. Meanwhile he would screen shot those text and send them to his mistress and they would talk s**t about me.

So I am just not sure if he is the sort of person I want to be with. I feel like he did the unthinkable during a time we needed him most and that I had to do the impossible and made it happen. Then he brings me to a very unstable life and is actively having an affair.

So I want time. I want to live apart for a little bit and take time to process if he is even a person I like let alone want to stay married to. He is getting very upset at me saying this and is beginning to threaten lawyers and stuff.

I am a SAHM and he is a six figure salary so I have zero finances. I asked him to sign an agreement for child support and he went ballistic threatening attorney.

On a side note- this affair comes on the heels of many years of me voicing how I was unfulfilled in the marriage and voicing my unhappiness. Begging him to go on a date etc with me and him rejecting me. So i feel like if anyone was feeling void and vulnerable to an affair it was me---but I upheld my end of the bargain.



Thoughts/advice?

ps- according to husband he has had zero contact with her and has no desire to have contact with her. I obviously can't prove this but that is what he is telling me

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Originally Posted by nomoreaffair
So I want time. I want to live apart for a little bit and take time to process if he is even a person I like let alone want to stay married to. He is getting very upset at me saying this and is beginning to threaten lawyers and stuff.

I am a SAHM and he is a six figure salary so I have zero finances. I asked him to sign an agreement for child support and he went ballistic threatening attorney.

On a side note- this affair comes on the heels of many years of me voicing how I was unfulfilled in the marriage and voicing my unhappiness. Begging him to go on a date etc with me and him rejecting me. So i feel like if anyone was feeling void and vulnerable to an affair it was me---but I upheld my end of the bargain.

These are all very valid points. No one here would criticize you if you decided not to save your marriage. We are here to help if you decide you do want to save it. It is very unlikely that any judge would not force him to continue to pay your bills, give you alimony and child support. I would not ask him to sign anything until you have consulted with an attorney.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Originally Posted by nomoreaffair
I should add, that according to him there has been zero contact with the OW and he has no desire to ever see her again etc. But as far as I know there's been zero contact and he is voicing and has actions to show he wants to fix the marriage and make us whole again.

You should completely ignore his "words" and only go by what you can verify. Words mean nothing. ALL waywards say they have "no desire" to see their affair partner again. All alcoholics say they have "no desire" to drink again. ..........until they do.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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How did you find out about his affair? You need to know the anatomy of the affair. One ugly fact about affairs - there's always more then when you first discovered. Can you dig into his phone records to see if there has been a previous affair? My guess is either he dd it before or the affair started earlier.

Also, him going ballistic is a sign the affair isn't over yet. He is probably still in contact and definately still addicted.

And you should see a lawyer.

You are on a nasty emotional rollercoaster. Don't act on emotions, act on good sense. On this forum you get sensible support. The plan is to help you recover and prepare for the future. Wether or not you want to divorce, the first steps are the same: gather as much info as possible and kill the affair. Snoop and expose.

A person havving an affair is like an alien/alcoholig/druggie. It is like your husband is posessed. The plan "surviving an affair" is like exorcism. If the affair is killed, you might get your real husband back. If you follow the marriagebuilders plan, he will be a better husband then before. That is the only way you can overcome the affair, if he takes responsibility and applies MB principles.

It is not an easy road, nor a short one.

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I found out about his affair because she texted him one day when I had his phone...the text was enough of a text to let me know that this was not a wrong number and that the affair had been going on for 7 months-which meant it started before he moved us here. frown

I have dug and dug. No evidence or admitting to a prior affair. I do believe this is "it".

I have exposed the living sh*t out of it. I even took the liberty of exposing it to all her friends and family for her smile including her husband smile

All of our friends, neighbors, family knows etc.

I love him dearly and never pictured my life without him but I am now operating not out of emotion but out of "integrity" and really questioning if this is the type of person I want to devote my world too.

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Oh and he is saying that he is going "ballistic" because I have given up and am basically having him sign divorce papers. I am trying to explain that I just want a little bit of security if things don't work.

If I have to fight a divorce etc I want it to be back in my home state where I have support and he is making it known that he will fight me leaving with the kids.

Right now, since my new state doesn't have jurisdiction, he can't stop me from returning. I want to stay and give it a shot but then I will lose my ability to leave if he fights it. So I just want him to sign the papers showing that he has some trust and integrity and is going to do the right thing if we don't work out. Basically give me a little bit of a pillow to rest on right now. Otherwise, I have to pack up and leave....

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Are you meeting with a lawyer?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



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I learned the hard way that a wayward spouse, in the fog will tell you anything you want to hear. Until the fog has lifted you are well served to remember that your spouse DOES NOT have your interests in mind.

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I have met with an atty at this point. frown

UGH how...how do you work past such hurt and betrayal and why?

I can't figure out why not just start fresh with someone who hasn't betrayed you, done the unthinkable to you?

Why stay in a situation where someone stooped to such lows??

I can't get the thought out of my head what happens the next time when he is "not himself" and will he then do the same thing?

It sucks that you can make the decision to be right and good and someone can wreck your world in the blink of an eye.

So disrespectful...

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Originally Posted by nomoreaffair
I have met with an atty at this point. frown

UGH how...how do you work past such hurt and betrayal and why?

I can't figure out why not just start fresh with someone who hasn't betrayed you, done the unthinkable to you?

Why stay in a situation where someone stooped to such lows??

I can't get the thought out of my head what happens the next time when he is "not himself" and will he then do the same thing?

It sucks that you can make the decision to be right and good and someone can wreck your world in the blink of an eye.

So disrespectful...
Why try to recover? Because you can still have a romantic, fulfilling marriage with your spouse. Those of us who have recovered know this is true. If you think that all of those who fall into affairs are somehow different than the rest of the human race, you are mistaken. Everyone has the potential to have an affair if they don't take precautions to prevent them. You will burn through the entire male population of the world trying to find someone who will never betray you under any possible condition. So, the reason to recover with your present WH is simply this - he represents your best chance for future happiness. Unfortunately, he also represents your most likely source of future pain. Intimacy comes with vulnerability. That is why you should look to MB principles to help you rebuild your marriage into one where you will feel safe and happy.


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You need to move away from there no matter what. It sounds like you're considering staying there to work on the marriage? Let me guess...he is telling you that you can work things out in your new location. NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

You're going to have to move away from there no matter what!

This guy doesn't sound like he's committed to you and your kids right now. He's desperately trying to protect himself...his job...his new home...his mistress (most likely based on his behavior) and the status quo which sounds like it's been pretty great for him up to now.

Get out of there! leave him and let him follow you. Go soon so that he's unable to prevent you legally. He has NO foot to stand on here. Tell him "this is what it will take to keep me in the marriage" no ifs ands or buts.

I'm so sorry. I know how awful this is and the resentment can be a real killer. He needs to be on hand and knee, doing everything you need to feel safe again.

You are within your rights to end your marriage. Start thinking about what will help you heal. You need help and you need it now. If he isn't being helpful, get the space you need.

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I am struggling with whether to stay in my marriage or go. After fighting for my marriage for 8 years and getting rejected over and over again my husband did the unthinkable and at the most unthinkable time.

I'm angry and beside myself that he moved us to his affair town. That he kissed me goodbye knowing he was going to meet her for sex especially upsetting know thag I constantly begged for more sex so I gladly would have rocked his world.
I'm upset that he completely abandoned me and the kids and left us to do the impossible so he could come ahead and start the new job. He literally left U.S. and meanwhile had his mistress in the new town keeping him good company.
I'm angry that he was screen shotting my text messages that I would send to him pleading with him to come home and help a bit or call his kids etc. He would send them to her and they would berate me something vile. He sent nude pics to her. Something I've tried to do with him for years and he wouldn't. He told her he loved her and didn't love me. He says its all lies and he never meant any of it.
I'm angry that I gave my career up to support him growing in his and then shortly after moving here I learn that he had a mistress here.

He's done everything right since then and if he's being honest says he hasn't spoken to her. But he wants a firm committment from me now and I'm not sure I want to be with him. He's worried I'm going to go out and meet guys etc. So he's keeping a tight leash on me out of fear. He is doing lots of good things but im angry.

How do you/why did you decide to stay instead of going. Instead of allowing yourself a relationship that they hadn't betrayed you.

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Is his affair over?

Has he done everything on this list?
From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67

The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.

These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.


Checklist for How Affairs Should End

_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.

_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.

_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:

_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).

_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).

_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).

_____Spend leisure time together.

_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.

_____Avoid overnight separation.

_____Allow technical accountability.

_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2865250 09/06/15 09:14 PM
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Has he given you just compensation?

What is Just Compensation?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2865252 09/06/15 09:31 PM
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Hi yes all those items have been done with the exception of moving. Working on that one.

i think he is doing a pretty good job of attempting Just compensation

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How many months have you been in recovery?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2865257 09/06/15 09:56 PM
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FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2865261 09/06/15 11:08 PM
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Stop starting new threads with the same information. The advice will be the same no matter how many threads you start. You are just wasting posters time having to re read your story every time.

You have already been given advice. Where are you in your plans to
move? What are you doing to continue to snoop since your WH shows signs of continuing his A further underground?

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1 month...just found out one month ago

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Originally Posted by nomoreaffair
1 month...just found out one month ago
You found out about the affair 1 month ago?


FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.



BrainHurts #2865594 09/09/15 03:43 PM
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That's sad. I hate the people who give in to this behaviour. I'm sorry to hear this, as I am just starting to see problems I didn't see before. I'm not sure where this is coming from, but my heart tells me something's wrong:( have u talked this through. Yet?

lefty41 #2865596 09/09/15 03:54 PM
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Originally Posted by lefty41
That's sad. I hate the people who give in to this behaviour. I'm sorry to hear this, as I am just starting to see problems I didn't see before. I'm not sure where this is coming from, but my heart tells me something's wrong:( have u talked this through. Yet?
lefty, please start your own thread in this forum. Just click the link for "Surviving an Affair", and create a new topic.


BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
SugarCane #2869788 11/13/15 05:52 PM
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Let me start this post by saying--- I locked myself out of this account and had to open a new account and posted under that account BUT alas have found my log in info for my old account. SO I am copying/pasting the exact post.

SECOND--this one is important because you all told me this was going to happen and I didn' t listen or believe you smile Naive smile

THIRD- Update, as of this week my house is on the market, so the title of those post could really be changed. Now that I have learned all the truth from the OW regarding the affair, there is no way I am staying in this state.

My husband had a long term affair, 6 months. We have been reeling from the devastation of all of this. He was extremely vile and vicious in his affair. I found out about the affair 3 months ago and for the past 3 months he has been lying and lying and lying about the details/specifics of the affair.

Well... a few days ago out of the blue the mistress contacts me and begins sending screen shots of all their relationship details. It is during this time I learn just how vile my husband was. Pages and pages worth of emotional details about how her body is the best he has ever felt or seen, how much he loves her, and can't wait to move out/kick me out of the house so they can be together, how he has never felt so good blah blah blah etc.
It is also now been brought to my attention, that he didn't just have an affair with her..... him, his mistress, and a THIRD girl joined in. So now I am now dealing with the devastation that my husband had two mistresses/affairs.... and a threesome as an affair.... I am so so sick to my stomach and can't get the images out of my head of what that threesome looked like. I have been sent all the nitty details about the threesome frown and made the mistake of reading them......


As an FYI since the affair was busted 3 months ago, there has been ZERO contact between he and either affair partner. Full disclosure to all friends and family has been done and I even took the liberty of telling the affair partners friends and family. Since I found the affair 3 months ago my husband has continually professed how much he wants us to work will do anything it takes etc.

BUT... he did lie over and over about what exactly the affair relationship was. He lied about never having sex or inappropriateness with anyone else in our marriage etc.. now I find out the second partner/threesome partner.. He lied saying he never told her he loved her or that he was leaving his family for her. He now claims they are all lies and never meant any of it.

So, I am beside myself. How do you process not only one affair....but a threesome affair frown is it possible to recover from this...... how?!?!?

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Originally Posted by nomoreaffair
He does work in the same job; but they didn't work together. He just used his job once as the "reason" and instead of meeting a client like he said he went to meet her. This happened before I found the affair.

She lives an hour away....he never once went to her town. She always drove to our town!!

I have since learned this is a lie. They met much more than he told me AND he would drive over an hour to pick her up, drive her back to our town, and then over an hour back to drop her off!! Ouch double ouch

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Originally Posted by nomoreaffair
Since I found the affair 3 months ago my husband has continually professed how much he wants us to work will do anything it takes etc.

He was willing to do anything to get you off his back. He has never been willing to do what it takes to save your marriage. The first step of which is to tell you the entire truth.

Do you actually KNOW for sure he is not still in contact with her? She sounds like a bunny boiler who is not going to let him go without a fight. I am sure that is why she contacted you. She is hoping you will leave so she can take your place.

The lesson here is never take the WORD of wayward seriously, because it means nothing. What matters are actions and anything you can prove.

The OW very probably gave you this information in the hopes you would leave him. I would strongly suggest you pack and move out of state. You can move elsewhere and just rent a place until your house sells. But you are not safe living there.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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